I've found myself in something of a tremendous funk lately. Ever since the earthquake in Japan, my mood has plummeted to a suicidal low. On one hand, Japan is very near and dear to my heart. It always felt like my home away from home, even though I've never been there in this lifetime. My husband and I were planning on vacationing there next year, and I've been feeling my heart swell with joy at the thought of finally being able to see and touch all of the places I've only seen in picture books and vague, distant memories. Now it's likely that most of that is gone. The country is scarred, and it is a wound that feels as if it was carved into my own flesh. I send as much love and light as I can gather to my dear brothers and sisters in Japan every day.
On the other hand, the hurt seemed to dig deeper than my own thoughts of Japan. I felt as if I was thrust into a channel of despair, as if I had a direct link to all of the pain the planet has been going through. I felt as if the weight of the world was literally crashing down on my shoulders, and it dug me into the bed. I didn't want to get up or do anything. I found myself irritable, prone to random fits of crying and suicidal thoughts. I became something of a recluse, barely leaving the house or talking to anyone.
Walter, my husband, has been my Godsend through all of this. He forced me to talk about my feelings instead of trying to keep it all to myself, and he comforted me without judgment. I always feel like such a burden to people when I get like this. I feel like I have it too good to have any right to be depressed, and I should just suck it up and get on with it, but sometimes having a shoulder to lean on makes a world of difference. Walter has been there with me through so much crap...I don't know what I would do if he wasn't in my life.
Part of me feels like I want to start a riot. I want to run out into the streets and yell "No! We will not stand for this corruption any longer! We want change!" I want to start tearing down walls with my bare hands...make a revolution. Another part simply wants to crawl into bed and not come out. I find the company of most other people overwhelming at this point. I just want to be alone in silence. I guess I don't know what I want anymore, besides peace on earth, and peace and quiet.