I need someone to talk to

[NeoIcebreaker]

I'm not sure if I want to do this but I don't have anyone to talk to. I have no friends because I am a very shy person and it takes a lot for me to put myself out there and to make myself vulnerable for I have been dealing with alot of painful issues here these past 15 years, but more so in these last couple of months. I don't usually share anything with others but I see a lot of love on this forum and I feel I'm in the right place to pour my being out and not be judged. 15 years ago when my youngest brother was born my mother started talking about very strange things. She said she heard demons and people looking at her through the mirror. All I saw was my mom screaming at people or things that wern't there. We took her to doctors but nobody could say what was wrong or was able to help. She would recieve meds but when she got home she threw them away. I wanted to help her so bad, but I didn't know what was wrong I just saw pain and sorrow. I would hear her screaming in the middle of the night and I would cry in my pillow and ask god for help but I saw no changes and I questioned god for the longest time. I didn't want to stop believing and I never have stopped, but it was hard. This went on for years in the same cycle. She would go off and we would take her to the doctor, they would give her pills, she would get better for a short while and then throw away the meds, and then we were back where we started. Going to the doctor was expensive and I don't know how she did it but when she was out in public she would be just fine, I loved those moments when my mom would show happiness and smile but as soon as we got back home it was the same screaming and talk of demons and witches. That went on for a while until the stories of demons turned to stories of parasites and how they were eating at her. My father bless his soul never once left her but stayed there at her side and I respect him very much for that. In november it finally got to the point that she was breaking dishes and screaming at the walls, so we took her to the crisis center but some how that escapes my logic she would act normal in front of the doctors and they said that unless they saw that she was a danger to herself or others they could not help us. She left after that to a place that she won't say where. God bless her, she would say when I was younger that voices in her head would to do bad things but by the strength of her will she would not do it and even though I would say things about her under my breath I love my mother for having the love to not do what the voices told her to do. I barely talk to my mom now but not by choice. I realize she is still dealing with the pain but she is in a new location, with a job, and she says she is making friends so I'm hopeing by gods will she will find peace and not be tortured any longer. I must say though that this isn't over and I know that I will see her face once more. The one thing that kept me going was my search for truth and how god loves us. I remember when I read the Urantia book paper 1 and I read about gods love that I broke down in tears because it wasn't told to me that way. I havn't read that book in 5 years. The things I read from the Ra transcripts and the words I have read from those on this forum here lately have really touched me and have had me asking questions about how there is a reason for everything even pain and suffering and of Unity and how we are all one being. I still don't know enough in my opinion to know fully why I was put on this earth or why I have the family that I have but I feel I can understand the pain of those in simular situations. I'm going to school to learn psychology but I'm not sure what is to occur in 2012 but if nothing happens, then I will be there to help those in mental and emotional pain and if we all go in an instant due to harvest...well I don't know much about harvest and graduation but I know I've made my choice about being STO. I'm sorry if this isn't a good place to be doing this but I thought that I just have to get this off my chest and I wanted for it to be with those who are feeled with love and who will not judge me or my family. I have learned so much from you all and because of you all, I now know what gods love is. He has shown me by using you all as an example. Because I have witnessed that love I will carry it with me always and I will share it with those I hope to help in the future. Thank you for being you and thank god for working in mysterious ways, and for leading me to where I'm at today. I now understand that god has never left my side but has been behind me waiting for me to turn around. (I don't know why I put it like that but it sounds right). I feel much better now.

Thank you and God Bless

[Ens Entium]

Well i must commend you on your openess and courage to speak about all that so openly with people you don't know.

Most importantly though, you're most welcome! this is a great community with loving souls and i'm sure, even if not directly, support and encouragement will come your way. Personally, i'm willing to be a friend and to help as i can, i may not be able to offer as much understanding, love or wisdom as others here.. but i do offer my intent.

I was touched by your compassion for your mother. I certainly hope things improve for her. You can think of it this way, kind and compassionate souls such as yourself are in those situations because that is where those qualities are most needed. Simply by being a person who responds more positively than negatively to it you are being a gift to your mother.

As for you experience of it, i can't really imagine how tough it must be, i would say, though, that it's a test. One that asks that you see through how it all looks so that you can weather the storm so that eventually the terror, fear, grief, doubt and sadness fall away until there is sorrow (that doesn't affect you) from which love may be offered. We are all learning and perfecting this. You seem to be doing great at this already.

I would add that, a key thing that could help is to understand your mother's inner and outer circumstance from a view absent apparentnesses. I have no firsthand information here but my idea of that view is to look at it as a matter responsibility- the level of responsibility your mother is accepting.

Responsibility is the willingness to admit cause.

And about the shyness... well, introversion is the result of focusing your attention on yourself. Put your attention on others and what they might like to be offered in an interaction and on their condition etc.

I offer the above since it seemed there was a heaviness associated with what you said, i offer it in the spirit of help. I in no way want this to seem as though i'm being preachy, heheh..

Blessings for your future . And,, take care

[alanea]

Bless your heart and those in your family. Your poor Mother and what a childhood you had. There is Love to hold unto. SO glad you felt you could let it all out here, it is such a comfort to do that.

[Confused]

I'm sorry if this isn't a good place to be doing this...

Neo, this is the best place in the whole earth that I know of personally, to be doing what you did with that lovely, beautiful and wonderful post of yours.

Yes, there was deep pain underlying the post, but it is that pain that really what makes us into divine from just human (imho).

Rest in the peace and the power of god, dear Neo, and know that probably god has chosen you to make the gradation towards revealing more of your divine nature, rather than only the human nature. I can see from your resolve that you already know that deep inside of you, somewhere.

When the hour of glory comes unexpectedly upon you, on that day will shine the light of the ONE on the hidden chapters, and you would probably see why things went the way they did. God is there for you, Neo, and we are there for you. And most importantly, I believe, you are there for us

[kycahi]

Neo, you need lots of hugs and listening to, but here we are on a forum where we write stuff out. :-/

The LOO says we live these lives for the experiences of them. Book reading and movie watching aren't nearly as useful to the One as full, 100% experience. Obviously, you have had some very dramatic experiences that pierced all the way to your heart. On behalf of the One, thanks! Now you want to recover from them, no small challenge.

Your mom also had and is still having experiences aplenty too, and her experiencing what she did provided the awful experiences that you got.

I drew two conclusions about her from reading your post, both of which can be incorrect: First, her behavior reads like the mental illness called schizophrenia. The doctors probably figured that out and gave her pills, but those have dreadful side effects. They stop the voices but they also shut down living a life. It must be something like wrapping the patient in 50 layers of gauze. They don't see, hear or think very well and can't do much. That's why they stop taking them.

The other conclusion, after reading that she behaved darn well when she got outside of the house, is that the house itself, or its near environment, can be a factor. Some people with schizophrenia are affected by high-voltage transmission lines that cross the country on those high tower structures. Some are even affected by regular house wiring and work hard to remove it from their walls. If that isn't the issue, read the Law of One Book Four (I think) where Ra describes cleaning a house of negative influences using salt and garlic.

But enough of this geeky stuff. You need love, understanding and respect. I can offer this kind, but I hope you can meet with like-minded people in your area where you can share common stories and know that you (plural) are not alone. Where to find? Google searching can turn up something. I just searched using the words "support for children of mentally ill parents" and got good looking stuff.

Jessica is among the 23 per cent of Australian children who live with a parent with a mental illness and witness mood swings, hallucinations, self harm and depression on a daily basis. Often they are the sole carer for a mother or father crippled with illnesses that, despite the efforts of mental health groups, are shrouded in shame and silence.

This looks good: http://www.schizophrenia.com/family/FAQoffspring.htm

Also you can visit a mental health clinic or hospital and look for notices of meetings.

Here's hoping that you get relief, from this community and others closer to home.

We all care here.

[Unbound]

We seek within.

[Monica]

Oh Neo, what a heart-wrenching story! Thank you for having the courage to share your story! What a difficult childhood you must have had!

I can relate somewhat. I grew up in a highly abusive home, and have a sister who is schizophrenic.

I believe schizophrenia is a disorder in which, for whatever karmic reason, the veil has thinned, but only in the areas of the brain in which negative conduits prevail.

Thus, the schizophrenic perceives entities and realities who may be real, in some other dimension that the rest of us don't normally see.

When I tripped on LSD, the first time I saw heaven...the 2nd time I saw hell. Demons...dimensions I wasn't supposed to have access to. But because the floodgates had been artificially opened by the drug, I did.

For reasons unknown, schizophrenics have access to realms better left unexplored.

It is to your mom's credit that she was able to resist the voices' urgings to do bad things.

Drugs shut down these gateways, but at a cost.

I am convinced that there are other ways to shut them down, without the side effects.

Are you currently in contact with your mom?

Neo, right now my suggestion is to focus on your own healing. YOU have been traumatized! Focus on healing yourself. THEN, if appropriate, any suggestions as to how you might help your mom, will be apparent.

Blessings to you and your family! You have friends here. We love you and are here for you!

[Brittany]

No need to apologize for being honest...that's what we're all here for! These guys have helped me through numerous awkward crisis without batting an eye. I would also say feel free to PM or email me if you ever need to talk, and I'm sure most of the other people on here would say the same thing.

Believe it or not, I really know where your mom is coming from. I've never really told the full story on here, as I find it embarrassing, but I think it might help.

Being an empath and a clairsentient, I was always on about touchy feely things...feeling things that weren't there, feeling other people's emotions, etc., but it wasn't to the point that it really interfered with my life. Then, somewhere around my sophomore year of high school I pretty much went bananas. I saw all kinds of horrible pictures in my head on a regular basis. I saw myself hurting people I loved, and I heard voices telling me to do awful things.

However, I did not hallucinate in the clinical sense of the word. The things I saw I saw only in my mind, and the voices I heard sounded the same as my own thoughts...I didn't actually perceive them with my ears. I was an intelligent person, and I realized that if other people knew about this stuff they would think I was nuts, but when I went to the doctor on various occasions I wasn't displaying any of the symptoms that actually qualify as schizophrenia or similar disorders.

I did a few stints in the mental hospital, and after that pit of horror I REALLY didn't want anyone to know about my...issues. I lost two boyfriends to it because I was honest with them about it and they couldn't handle a "crazy girlfriend." So I did my best to hide it when I was in pubic, but I could never stuff it down forever. It would always burst out, usually in front of the people I loved the most...my parents, and eventually the man who would become my husband. I suppose it was because I trusted them. I felt like they could see past the insanity and realize I was still a person underneath it all. When I look back it seems horrible that I took it all out on them, but the few pubic breakdowns I did have led to all kinds of bad situations.

I would argue with these voices constantly. At times I perceived them to be demons, at times part of myself. For a while my personality actually split. I would go into periods where I would act like a little girl or an angry man. And the entire time I was trying to reason it away in my head...to convince myself that I could calculate it like a math equation. Most people who have severe mental disorders don't even realize anything is wrong, but I spent hours studying the DSM, trying to figure out what was wrong with me.

Due to this, the doctors accused me of faking it. The fact that I knew so much about mental disorders made them think I was just looking for symptoms to mimic, and the fact that I was able to separate reality from delusion didn't fit in with their pre-made lists of symptoms. They made me feel like a terrible person, but I still couldn't control it. The voices would go on and on, day in and day out. I would get compulsions to do things- throw that object, stab that person, scream at the top of your lungs...it was like I was a puppet and someone was yanking my strings. And the entire time I fought with all my strength to keep it in, to resist, limiting it to erratic outbursts that always happened in the same situations around the same people. I didn't do it because I was trying to hurt them, I did it because I loved them and I felt like they could protect me. Only later did I realize how much pain I had caused.

That is what I am getting from the situation with your mom...I think she realizes what is happening, but also realizes that she can't control it. She doesn't want to hurt you, but she doesn't want to end up in a mental hospital where they don't understand concepts like psychic attack. The pills the put you on are HORRIBLE. They turn your thoughts to mush, make you gain massive amounts of weight, cause tics and muscle spasms (I still have them to this day even though I went off the stuff years ago), make you nauseous, give you all kinds of digestion problems, and there's always the chance it can *increase* suicidal and psychotic behavior, which was what happened to me. I was never more psychotic than when I was on that stuff...there were times I could barely walk it messed me up so bad. I stopped talking...I just about stopped thinking altogether. I just sat and stared at the wall and drooled. I would not wish those pills on my worst enemy, and I honestly can't blame her for throwing that crap away. It's poison.

But then...you still have the situation and next to no resolution. Perhaps that is why she left...she doesn't want to hurt you further. It's possible a complete change of lifestyle could flush out a lot of the thought-forms that were likely focal points for the attacks she was experiencing.

Eh...I guess I shouldn't act like I *know* what's going on when I've never met your mom...it just sounds awfully familiar. All I can say is that the people who stuck by me through all of it, even the very worst parts, made a profound difference in my life. If I hadn't of had people who were willing to look through all of that BS and still see me, I probably would have killed myself years ago, or I'd be locked up in a padded room somewhere. It is their support that gave me the strength to begin the long journey out of that dark tunnel...and it can be done, my friend. Even if the hallucinations don't stop, they can be managed if one is truly willing to work at it. They can still live a relatively normal life.

I'd say just give as much love and support as you can right now. If there is one pill that can actually cure a broken mind, it is love. I will keep you in my prayers.

(sorry if I'm rambling or seem preachy...sometimes I don't know when to shut it. X( )

[kycahi]

(sorry if I'm rambling or seem preachy...sometimes I don't know when to shut it. X( )

Not at all, ahktu, it was smooth reading and reached me deeply. I'm privileged to read your story, so thank you.

You seem to be using your smart part to control the wild(?) part, just like the guy in A Beautiful Mind.

I have to wonder if those like him and you could help science if you submitted to some brain scan while the separate parts go active. This thought may be due to my appreciating Dr. Daniel Amen, who does SPECT scans on many patients.

[Brittany]

John Nash...yes, his genius was extraordinary.

I *have* had a brain scan...it showed some abnormalities, but they really couldn't pinpoint exactly what my deal is. They were really good at coming up with fancy ways of saying "we have no clue." Aside from the signs of a lot of head trauma (a tale for another time, perhaps) parts of it seemed overactive. The doctor said the part of my brain that is usually affected by Alzheimer's is so overactive that I'll most likely never have to worry about even coming close to getting it. There also seemed to be a random hole in my brain. I was relieved when they explained that the technology renders parts of the brain that are not active as holes...not that there was an actual hole in my brain!

[NeoIcebreaker]

Thank you all for your responses to my post. I debated with myself for awhile before posting but I came to the conclusion that from what I've heard about 4D and how all is known, I thought it would be good to release the pain and to help those in pain. I fell any love, wisdom, and understanding we give to each other on this forum and off is greatly appreciated, no matter how small. I also believe that when the game of life finally flashes to us "Thank you for Playing", all will be known and there will be shown that there was and is a reason for everything that has happened in our lives. Everything you all have said, I believe, have shown a lot of light on the issue and I thank you for what wisdom you have to share for it truly helps. I am still in contact with my mother but rarely, but me and my family believe she has a lot to work through but with time all will be made well. Ahktu I thank you for shareing your story and please don't feel embarrassed about telling your story for it helps. I've learned here lately that we should not be worried about what others might think of us. Judgement is futile for time changes everything and even one moment of time can change us drastically. A lot of what you said sounds a lot like what my mom has said to me when I was younger and her behavior was a lot like what you described, even about the pills. Please all don't be worried about being preachy or how others might judge you. We should just be ourselves. "OH LORD HELP US CAST AWAY OUR FEARS SO THAT WE CAN TRULY BE OURSELVES AND THAT WE MAY BE EVERYTHING YOU DESIRE US TO BE. AMEN"

wow I didn't think I had that much room to write. I wrote it out in letter format and its late so this is really more of a stream-of-consciousness thing. Thank you all for your kind words for they truly help and I hope my words helped as well.

God bless and Adonai

[Brittany]

I also believe that when the game of life finally flashes to us "Thank you for Playing", all will be known and there will be shown that there was and is a reason for everything that has happened in our lives.

This is awesome.

[Eddie]

Every life is divine. Each experience of each life--even a Hellish one--adds to the growth, and increases the understanding and magnificence of, the Creator.

Powerful catalyst provides great potentiation, and therefor, great ability for spiritual work and accomplishment. It is hard for us to imagine this, from our temporary perch here in 3rd density, but there are countless intelligent entities out there in the Universe, who would give anything to take the place of any one of us, even of a tortured soul like your mother. They exist in states in which they perceive no separation from the Creator; they have little catalyst, and little chance for spiritual work. How they would love to shoulder a great burden, and aid in the Creator's growth! But they cannot.

Your mother is blessed. She chose to incarnate into a path of hard duty, to lift a great spiritual weight. She has the chance to accomplish much. Our own Ahktu is modest, but she is a fine example of what may be done, and what may be shared. Love permeates the Logos and it is always there to be harnessed. We are here to help in any small way that we can. You need never feel ashamed or confused; every experience, every emotion that you have, is vicariously relished by that great portion of the divine Host that is unable to do so for itself. Every breath you take strengthens the Creator.

Welcome.

[Brittany]

Eddie, I could just listen to you talk all day. Words are like a symphony for you, and you have the conductor's mind- both analytical and passionate.

[AnthroHeart]

Eddie, you put the situation so wonderfully. Each time I think life is hard, I can remember that there are many out there who would desire to be where I am.

[Eddie]

We may properly visualize ourselves as the nerve endings of God. Everything exists; but mostly, only in potentiation. Nothing is realized until it is realized. Nothing is realized until we perceive the possibility, and create it via our intent.

We are the means by which the Creator realizes that which is to be realized. The Divine ray of creation extends from the Creator, outward, passing through those with progressively less perception of unity (Logos -->Sub-Logos-->Sub-Sub-Logos, etc), until it reaches us. We are the forefront of Creation. We are the interface between Intelligent Energy and Intelligent Infinity. For oh, so many incarnations, we have pushed ahead, plunging into intense separation, into duality, having intense experiences of every kind. But, by and by, comes a time when Creation is breathed back into the Creator.

Perhaps the first step in turning back toward the Creator is when we perceive that we are, directly, co-creators, and we have the ability to create, not just subconciously, but consciously. We are surrounded by Love (it is, after all the first distortion of Unity, and it is what sustains Creation), and we have a choice to perceive that love, and create in its image. Enormous spiritual work is accomplished when we discern that we may create in Love and Joy rather than in Darkness and Chaos. This is why we are here, in Earth School; to discern what we are, and what miraculous things we may do.

In order to do this we must separate Essence from Personality. We are born with an Ego, which is supposed to be just a tool to help us cope with the harshness of third-density space/time. But the Ego holds on to each experience, glues it on; the sum of the coating of such experiences makes up that thing we call Personality. It is easy, however, for too many things to be added, and soon that coating becomes a heavy burden, and it is dark and opaque. The thicker that cloak becomes, the harder it is for us to see that we are in Creation, surrounded and permeated by the Creator.
We are like a Caddis-fly larva, that surrounds itself with stones, sticks and mud; soon the miracle within becomes obscured from the miracle without.



So we must learn to release those impediments, to reveal the divine being within. Releasing is not the same as denying or stifling; denial is only another cloak added to an already burdensome costume. Releasing is accomplished when we realize that each experience is just that; an experience, formed by us, and given by us as a gift to the Creator. It has served its use, and may be blessed and released. The more we release, the more we lessen our burden, and the thinner becomes the veil that separates us from the Creator.

How do we do this? Meditation is the simplest expedient. It assists release and thins the veil. Much is written about this in the Law of One (especially the introduction to book one), and in other works in the LLResearch library. I urge all of you to look into these works, and into the practice of meditation, if you do not already do so. Success may come at varying rates, but the Journey is its own Destination, and its own Reward. Joy awaits you.

[Brittany]

Like I said...a symphony.

[Ens Entium]

Great post Q'u.. i meane Eddie! Haha

You're intense!

[Eddie]

Neo (and all else here ), this podcast was a great help to me, and may be to you. I've listened to this probably 40 or more times. (Lynn, please be sure to listen to this one again, at a quiet time when you may concentrate on the message.)

Hatonn Speaks

[Confused]

Neo (and all else here ), this podcast was a great help to me, and may be to you. I've listened to this probably 40 or more times.

Hatonn Speaks

Thanks, Eddie.

[Eddie]

I wish to say one more thing here.

Most of us need someone to talk to.

Time grows short. Carla is frail. 2012 approaches.

Those of you, you lost wanderers, you brilliant fountains of light, you beloved, who wish to meet your brothers and sisters, please join us in Kentucky over Labor Day Weekend.

We have been apart too long.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
p.s. Most of the planets will be visible along the ecliptic just before sunrise this week (assuming clear skies). Please pay attention to the implication.

[kycahi]

Smarty-pants Eddie, has to show off his blue ray. I, for one (of many), am glad you do, sir!

I can't help but think that Don would be serious friends with you, and wish he lived long enough to see how the Law of One has found so many kindred souls. He hoped for it and wanted it, but I think he had no idea that it would go far enough, let alone this far.

[Confused]

He hoped for it and wanted it, but I think he had no idea that it would go far enough, let alone this far.

Truth is power. And it breaches through, in spite of the most severe resistance, as it cares for no personalities.

May that eternal truth protect all of us and strengthen our walk. And I wish all going to L/L a very happy time.

Much love and enjoy on behalf of me as well, please, for I may never be able to make it there in this incarnation.

[Eddie]

I can't help but think that Don would be serious friends with you, and wish he lived long enough to see how the Law of One has found so many kindred souls. He hoped for it and wanted it, but I think he had no idea that it would go far enough, let alone this far.

When the Ra channelings were happening, I lived close enough to attend without much inconvenience...but was unaware of LLResearch. How I would have loved to be there.

We'll all reunite in time/space......

[Ens Entium]

He hoped for it and wanted it, but I think he had no idea that it would go far enough, let alone this far.

Truth is power. And it breaches through, in spite of the most severe resistance, as it cares for no personalities.

May that eternal truth protect all of us and strengthen our walk. And I wish all going to L/L a very happy time.

Much love and enjoy on behalf of me as well, please, for I may never be able to make it there in this incarnation.

You've said it beautifully and so there's not much i can do but second what you said.

I'm sure they would be honoured to be in the presence of a beacon of love and light such as yourself confused.

[Confused]

You've said it beautifully and so there's not much i can do but second what you said.

I'm sure they would be honoured to be in the presence of a beacon of love and light such as yourself confused.

Thank you so very much, EE. The love behind your words blesses me. Thank you very much