Facing the Shadow

[Hototo]

Right now, "my shadow self" as close as I can explain it to be, is a very devout christian woman with some of the same physical body complex distortions as I do. I'm strongly against christianity in my physical presence and I have a revulsion to some of the body complex distortions that she has. That being said. She and I have an immediate telepathic connection that borders on the subconcious.

I know she isnt "my shadow self" but I can see "my shadow self" in her. Meaning that my shadow self manifest through her, at times, just as my higher self can manifest through her or anyone else my higher self wants. At times.

She, to me, represents a lot of the things that I deny in myself. And I have been her co-worker for a year and a half.

She isn't a shadow self in person, but her willingness to serve allows her to be a instrument to my shadow self when I am in doubt about myself.

So. Can I ever directly and in full view, view my shadow self. Yes I can, but not while connected to this reality. But while in this reality, I can know that at times she may be my shadow self, and at times she is just an ordinary person.

But I do know that If, while she is in my presence. I start to push strongly against my own internal self / shadow self / hate myself. She will very quickly distance from me and go "odd" or "remote".

Unlike other people that I come across.

It is, due to the nature of reality, difficult to say for me at least where my shadow self begins and where the world ends, and vice versa. But I do know that I can maintain a push against my shadow self indefinently and it will never show and I will experience "only pleasant non revulsive things" or I can try to accept that everyone is beautiful, even the things I hate about myself when shown to me in the form of a another self.

So what is the shadow self. It is that one person in the whole cosmos that you most push away from you, and in circles of appearance similarity to that one person.

Usually it is the self.

[volicon]

I understand now. Thank you for your sharing, Not Sure.

[ChickenInSpace]

Not Sure, thank you.

In this I recognize the person I've projected my shadow self through and in the process given, as clear as possible, forgiveness to myself and the shadow self.

And if this person reads its mail, might become wiser but probably more confused.

I find that sometimes a person more than anyone around you manifest the things you dislike about yourself and has distilled this down to a fine art. This was the case with this person. I know there may come more. The quicker identification of such projection/manifestations the quicker one can forgive and go on. At least, that's how it seems to me.

All in all it's a minor detail but one that has to be lived through to a varying degree.

[Hototo]

*nod*

[volicon]

Guys, I think I have more information relevant to my problem.

First, a brief explanation. In the past, I used to use visualization. Every once in a while I would lie on bed at night before sleeping, and visualize my body glowing in different ways, in different places, just for fun. At times I would imagine breathing in light and breathing out darkness, thinking it symbolizes my wounds. At times I would just imagine breathing in, each time my entire body blowing brighter. Or I would use that light, directing them to my hands, then expanding to my arms, to my shoulders, chest, legs etc. And the thing is, I actually feel sensations! The area where I focus the light on would heat up, and it feels really good! I remember at times I would expand the light into the head and I actually feel lightheaded, like a sense of bliss. Or that time where I have my entire body glow in vertical direction, and after a while I actually feel like my spine is actually being stretched, lol. Good times.

Anyway, as you guys have suggested, I may have blockages in the two rays above the root. I have never done the visualization technique I described with colors other than black, white and yellow before, so I tried just that moments ago.

First, I did what I used to, breathing in light and out the dark. After a while, the familiar heat returned subtly. Then, I focused on my crotch, at the base of my spine, and shone it with red. And soon enough, it heated up, and not only my root heated up, so did all of my legs! Now in my past visualization sessions, my experience is that only the area where I focus on would heat up, and when I move my focus away, it will cool down. And now I just focus on that one point in my base and even my legs heat up! It was remarkable!

I left it glowing for a while, enjoying the sensation. Then I attempted to move it up, trying to turn it into orange. And guess what? I COULDN'T. After a long time, I still felt my legs and my crotch burning (not that I am complaining, it felt wonderful!), but the part of my torso that contains the belly button doesn't have any sensation. I kept visualizing the red light pushing through it, but nothing happens.

And something even stranger happened! After a while, the torso below my nipples and above that senseless part, where I assume the yellow ray is, started to heat up! And SOON, my chest, where I assume the green ray is, also started to heat up! My entire body from the neck down was burning in this blissful coktail of an oh-so-great fire, yet, the part above the root didn't feel anything!

So I think I indeed have a blockage, in the orange ray. I'm not sure what that actually means. Do you guys have any leads as to how I will deal with that?

[AnthroHeart]

When my chakras were activated, I felt more pressure and sensations of movement than heat. I remember when I could tune up crystals with my 3rd eye. Now I don't feel it anymore. I suppose it's my energy field taking a long break. I used to hold Mother Earth in my heart chakra, and feel a shift.

[reeay]

On a certain level, particular issues are unique to certain energy centers, and on another level, particular issues are connected to many energy centers. There is great value in working with one energy center then to go further to working with multiple centers.

I use visualization (imagination) and creative tools to work through issues. Ra mentions the use of visualizations as a way to work with issues rather than thru external actions (session 49, #8). The context of this passage may be a bit different but I think it may be a useful point to consider. For example, I have a disagreement with somebody. I may choose to act upon my emotions and lash out. Or perhaps I may choose to use visualization as a way to understand why I am so emotionally charged up about this situation... then maybe talk to that person later to have an honest discussion of what happened.

Whatever aspects of your self you are having issues with (this could be one's lighter, the darker, and the vast shades of grey parts of self), one may hold a dialogue in one's imagination. Say the issue is around an aspect of my self that is fearful and doubtful about myself. Thru visualization I may talk to this part of self to better understand who she is, what she needs/desires, why she needs what she needs, and so forth. If another part of my self interferes and barges into this dialogue, I will say, I would love to hear your perspective bc it is very important, let me first talk to ___ and then we may talk. e.g.,a harsh critic self barges in and starts to complain about the fearful/doubtful self. The objective is to increase understanding with each fragmented part of self, and thus begin to accept and forgive each part of self. As a personality, we are all whole. It's merely fragmented and needs to be integrated together. Each part of self has its own needs, and each part of self is there for a reason. Therefore visualization is a way to get in touch with these deep needs. Even the darker shadow parts of self has very legit reasons for its being the way it is.

I've used creative tools such as writing plays (dialogue between two conflicting parts of self) and stories, or drawing, making symbolic masks, or even used dance/movement to explore one part of self. By using visualization and creative tools, you are going from making something very internal to something more external. Both these experiences are critical in working with all the fragmented pieces of self. When reading thru or reflecting upon this entire process the goal would be to take responsibility for each aspect of self, knowing that there are reasons for its existence and its issues. I guess this is the journey of self-compassion and ownership of that which is unacceptable or shameful. Another thing is taking responsibility for one self. Not the kind of defeated self-responsibility that leads to kicking oneself for being an idiot or something... but to be able to acknowledge that it's part of me and I'm going to work with this.

The body is part of the psyche too so using it as a marker is highly helpful. You could use it as a way to gauge the intensity of the issue you are working with by checking bodily sensations prior, during, and after using exercises. The somatic (bodily) sensations may move around, which may indicate that there is something more to explore.

I personally 'see' color visualization in my mind's eye that helps me to see the energy centers w/ blockage. For me that is another barometer rather than the work itself.

The most helpful visualization is to first create an imaginative place of safety before deciding to 'plunge' into work. Also a visualization of a soothing/nurturing internal figure may be highly useful, so that this soothing part of self is available when becoming overwhelmed by high emotional charge. This soothing figure can be someone from real life, someone made up, a fictional character that one felt was very loving. This is the hallmark of any deep work - SAFETY! I wrote it in caps bc this is so important.

Safety building:
Breathing work
Relaxation techniques (muscle relaxation, visualizing light of protection & healing)
Visualization of a safe place that induces relaxation
Having social support and people to process what happens

Working with someone is also helpful bc another's perspectives may illuminate things that we may miss when working alone.

[GentleReckoning]

GentleReckoning: Reading those wise advices of yours, sure you did good! I have a question. This Tulpa, you perceive her as a real person, right? But she is visible to you or only you, or is she visible to everyone else?

Hah, Tulpa's are only in *your* consciousness although there have been reports of people on certain drugs being 'aware' of another entity where the tulpa would be.

As far as mine goes, the tulpa project in and of itself was a disaster, and has been put on hold until I have taken better care of my lower chakras. Due to my massive curiosity for all things related to perception I will undoubtedly attempt this again at some point in the future.

[volicon]

Gemini Wolf, thank you for your sharing. My guess is that each has their own unique sensation to energy. Mine is like burning, heat, and when I visualize my body enlarging and deflating in rhythm with the light's glowing, I literally feel the body being subtly enlarged and deflated. Or perhaps I'm just young, LOL.

GentleReckoning, thanks for clearing that up. We share similar curiosity, I guess, because I too will definitely checking this tulpa thing out when I have gained more experience in arcane arts. It sounds fun!

rie, thank you. I will take notes of those techniques, and try them out in my next sessions. I used to have similar ideas but didn't have them as clearly as you put it.

[Ankh]

So I think I indeed have a blockage, in the orange ray. I'm not sure what that actually means. Do you guys have any leads as to how I will deal with that?

A technique which I use, is to focus on that ray which is blocked, and wait. Then I started to receive visions and memories of experiences which made it blocked. If visions come, it is a sign of a blockage. So whatever these images are, working with them, is what helps to unblock this ray.

And in regards to what you said about visualization - awesome! Visualization is a tool of an adept.

And in regards to what you said about using thought to activate your body - I have used it too, but even more recently. I belive it is a great way to get to know the body and how it works. For instance, I focus on a particular part which feels tense in the body, and firstly I feel energy releases, and shiver in delight. After a while, if there are no visions with which I can work with, I proceed to just this simple focus of this tense part, and after a while I feel how there is a spiraling, and the energy is beginning to flow more freely through this part. I have been thinking about this lately, and thought of acupuncture... That it might be the same thing, only done with the mind instead of needles? And also, what Ra said here is intriguing:

Imagine the body. Imagine the more dense aspects of the body. Proceed therefrom to the very finest knowledge of energy pathways which revolve and cause the body to be energized. Understand that all natural functions of the body have all aspects from dense to fine, and can be transmuted to what you may call sacramental.

[volicon]

Thank you, Ankh! I will keep this in mind in tonight's session. I will try to be more patient with it, and try it out longer.

[volicon]

Hey guys. In the last few days, I've paid close attention to those conflicting feelings of mine, and I came to a few conclusions.

One of the basis of my ideal relationships is TRUST. I crave someone I can trust completely. Which leads to the desire to be totally transparent to that someone, including the exposure of all my vulnerabilities. Someone around whom I don't have to even bother about putting up guards. Someone to be completely open with. Someone to surrender completely to. Someone that I don't HOPE to not hurt me, but someone I KNOW will not hurt me.

And I desire not a shelter, but an EQUAL. Not a savior, but a partner. Not someone to hide behind, but to stand side by side. To trust, and be trusted; to open, and be opened; to accept, and be accepted; to protect, and be protected. To love, and be loved.

So going from the root up, my thought hierarchy of those fantasies is: TRUST > TRANSPARENCY > VULNERABILITY.
Being vulnerable is the manifestation of my desire to trust. And since I have repressed and denied my sexual desires so many times, because all the subjects do not share mutual affection with me, such denial and repression pushed the desire down into darkness, mutating it to its dark extreme reactions of the desire to be tortured and raped. Since I repressed violently my desire to be vulnerable - to be submissive, it has reacted violently into the desire to be dominated, violently. Which is rape and torture.

I cannot resolve that conflict until I have someone who share mutual affection with me. And I can never be anything to anyone before being such myself first. To be accepted, I must first accept myself. Be vulnerable, be honest, be open first, to myself. Be totally transparent, be totally honest with myself. To trust that I will not hurt myself, punish myself with shame and guilt, that I will accept myself no matter what. That I will not be someone for myself to be wary of, that I am my own ally, not my own nemesis. That I will love myself unconditionally.
And until I have been those things to myself, I can never be so to anyone else.

So, for now, I will continue working on those energy visualizations - a balanced energy system can't hurt - and to practice loving myself and accepting myself. As for the fantasies, I think I understand it now. And with understanding, I believe I will soon reach acceptance for it. Thank you for your support in the last few days - it helped greatly and I really appreciate it! I hope to be of service and to return the favors soon.

[Aloneness]

Hey guys. In the last few days, I've paid close attention to those conflicting feelings of mine, and I came to a few conclusions.

One of the basis of my ideal relationships is TRUST. I crave someone I can trust completely. Which leads to the desire to be totally transparent to that someone, including the exposure of all my vulnerabilities. Someone around whom I don't have to even bother about putting up guards. Someone to be completely open with. Someone to surrender completely to. Someone that I don't HOPE to not hurt me, but someone I KNOW will not hurt me.

And I desire not a shelter, but an EQUAL. Not a savior, but a partner. Not someone to hide behind, but to stand side by side. To trust, and be trusted; to open, and be opened; to accept, and be accepted; to protect, and be protected. To love, and be loved.

So going from the root up, my thought hierarchy of those fantasies is: TRUST > TRANSPARENCY > VULNERABILITY.
Being vulnerable is the manifestation of my desire to trust. And since I have repressed and denied my sexual desires so many times, because all the subjects do not share mutual affection with me, such denial and repression pushed the desire down into darkness, mutating it to its dark extreme reactions of the desire to be tortured and raped. Since I repressed violently my desire to be vulnerable - to be submissive, it has reacted violently into the desire to be dominated, violently. Which is rape and torture.

I cannot resolve that conflict until I have someone who share mutual affection with me. And I can never be anything to anyone before being such myself first. To be accepted, I must first accept myself. Be vulnerable, be honest, be open first, to myself. Be totally transparent, be totally honest with myself. To trust that I will not hurt myself, punish myself with shame and guilt, that I will accept myself no matter what. That I will not be someone for myself to be wary of, that I am my own ally, not my own nemesis. That I will love myself unconditionally.
And until I have been those things to myself, I can never be so to anyone else.

So, for now, I will continue working on those energy visualizations - a balanced energy system can't hurt - and to practice loving myself and accepting myself. As for the fantasies, I think I understand it now. And with understanding, I believe I will soon reach acceptance for it. Thank you for your support in the last few days - it helped greatly and I really appreciate it! I hope to be of service and to return the favors soon.

Hi volicon, I certainly can relate to most of what you've explained here and I would like to thank you for sharing.
A couple of years ago I came to the conclusion that I wasn't even capable of giving nor receiving everything I sought in a partner because I was so out of touch with my own being. Now I take a few moments each day to be with myself, relax and enjoy my body. It's fun. Trust is still a delicate issue but I trust myself more than I ever did before so that's a good thing. I wish you well on your journey, you seem to be on a more positive path which is just delightful.

[βαθμιαίος]

Hi volicon,

You were asking about blockages. I was reading session 87 and I came across this exchange:

87.21 Questioner: What was this root cause?

Ra: I am Ra. The root cause of blockage is the lack of the ability to see the other-self as the Creator, or to phrase this differently, the lack of love.

[Ankh]

Thank you for shining your light, volicon! It was bright and beautiful, and I enjoyed it a lot.

As in regards to being totally transparent (honest?) and trusting other-selves, Ra said:

The best way of service to others is the constant attempt to seek to share the love of the Creator as it is known to the inner self. This involves self knowledge and the ability to open the self to the other-self without hesitation. This involves, shall we say, radiating that which is the essence or the heart of the mind/body/spirit complex.

I've always found the above quote fascinating. This openness without hesitation requires a great self knowledge, and it seems like you are on your way already.

Self knowledge...:

However, the instrument has become more mentally and spiritually able to greet this entity with love thereby reducing the element of fear which is an element the entity counts as a great weapon in the attempt to cause cessation, in any degree, of the Ra contact.

Any distortion, be it physical, mental, or spiritual in complex nature, may be accentuated by the suggestion of one able to work magically; that is, to cause changes in consciousness. This entity has many physical distortions. Each in the group has various mental distortions. Their nature varies. The less balanced the distortion by self-knowledge, the more adeptly the entity may accentuate such a distortion in order to mitigate against the smooth functioning and harmony of the group.

The above is said to L/L group, but my understanding is that it may be applied to anyone. Love is an element which reduces fear, and self-knowledge is the tool which reduces any distortions.

[volicon]

Thank you, Aloneness, βαθμιαίος and Ankh. I've had quite a few synchronicities over the past years that eventually led me back to a core problems: lack of self-understanding, self-acceptance and self-love, and also the inability to see other-selves as myself. It is THE core message of the Conversations with God series, and I believe also is that of The Law of One: There is naught but You. I find many, many teachings in CWG in resonant with LOO, and both act perfectly as reminders for me on this journey of growth.
Those are the core issues, and these conflicting fantasies are yet another reminding nudge for me. In the end, I find myself grateful for having them, because they showed me where my problems are. "I [God] have sent you nothing but miracles." and "Love is the answer." It is great to read those words, and even greater to actually experiencing it!

[Aaron]

Hey guys. In the last few days, I've paid close attention to those conflicting feelings of mine, and I came to a few conclusions.

One of the basis of my ideal relationships is TRUST. I crave someone I can trust completely. Which leads to the desire to be totally transparent to that someone, including the exposure of all my vulnerabilities. Someone around whom I don't have to even bother about putting up guards. Someone to be completely open with. Someone to surrender completely to. Someone that I don't HOPE to not hurt me, but someone I KNOW will not hurt me.

And I desire not a shelter, but an EQUAL. Not a savior, but a partner. Not someone to hide behind, but to stand side by side. To trust, and be trusted; to open, and be opened; to accept, and be accepted; to protect, and be protected. To love, and be loved.

So going from the root up, my thought hierarchy of those fantasies is: TRUST > TRANSPARENCY > VULNERABILITY.
Being vulnerable is the manifestation of my desire to trust. And since I have repressed and denied my sexual desires so many times, because all the subjects do not share mutual affection with me, such denial and repression pushed the desire down into darkness, mutating it to its dark extreme reactions of the desire to be tortured and raped. Since I repressed violently my desire to be vulnerable - to be submissive, it has reacted violently into the desire to be dominated, violently. Which is rape and torture.

I cannot resolve that conflict until I have someone who share mutual affection with me. And I can never be anything to anyone before being such myself first. To be accepted, I must first accept myself. Be vulnerable, be honest, be open first, to myself. Be totally transparent, be totally honest with myself. To trust that I will not hurt myself, punish myself with shame and guilt, that I will accept myself no matter what. That I will not be someone for myself to be wary of, that I am my own ally, not my own nemesis. That I will love myself unconditionally.
And until I have been those things to myself, I can never be so to anyone else.

So, for now, I will continue working on those energy visualizations - a balanced energy system can't hurt - and to practice loving myself and accepting myself. As for the fantasies, I think I understand it now. And with understanding, I believe I will soon reach acceptance for it. Thank you for your support in the last few days - it helped greatly and I really appreciate it! I hope to be of service and to return the favors soon.

You just helped me understand a very similar catalyst. I'm similar to you and experience the same catalyst but with different fetish details. In my case it wasn't influenced by any sexual experience in this lifetime either.

Thank you!!

[Jade]

This is an enlightening turn of conversation, I struggled with my shadow self as well before I recognized it in an other-self and began working to resolve it. If I may, volicon (how brave you are!) use your words to illumine something dear:

I have a problem with it though. Would a thought form I create be an independent, sentient, conscious, self-aware entity capable of free will? That would be like abusing, raping and torturing my own child!! Or can I split out a part of myself for the role? Would that split become self-aware?

Consider, if you will, that your human 3D body is the child of your higher self. Your higher self has made the decision to bequeath a portion of itself to 3D earth, so you should think of treating it no worse or different than your own child, or a young-aged other-self. Just because you've been here longer doesn't mean you deserve any less love, sympathy, happiness, completeness of being.

Much love and light to everyone, others' bravery is always very inspiring. Facing the shadow self is one of the darker paths to tread, but it still leads towards the same destination as all other paths of self awareness, enlightenment (and enlovenment!)

[volicon]

@Bring4th_Aaron: I'm glad I was helpful! May you succeed in dealing with the shadow <3

@Guenivere: Thank you for the kind words! Treating myself adequately has always been a problem of mine. I have no trouble treating people nicely, but I find me treating myself like dirt. Only recently did the situation started to improve, although slowly. So yeah, I was reminded that the solution is not to focus exclusively on the self, but to include the self to the list of those who I should take care of.

[Horuseus]

Do not look for the Shadow. Look for the beliefs which have cast the blocks within your light that have formed them.

[volicon]

Do not look for the Shadow. Look for the beliefs which have cast the blocks within your light that have formed them.

Thank you for your advice Horuseus. For me, Shadow isn't synonym with Evil. I see them as un-illuminated parts of ourselves, denied, ignored, shamed, forgotten. They are kept locked away, unaired, repressed, and therefore over time, they mutated, turning from natural things into demons. Basically, I am recollecting lost fragments of myself, cleaning them up, and reintegrate them. I cannot do that if I keep denying them; it's like hoping to see the light while unwilling to move away the hands that's been blinding the eyes all along. So yes, I HAVE to look for my shadows, lighten them, and welcome them back to myself. That's how I unblocked some blockages in my life before. Denial does not work for me; never has.

[BrownEye]

Denial is belief. Just look to understand belief and seek out the harmful or non useful beliefs. You call this a shadow when it is really just a thought form. By transmuting the thought form to a useful belief it becomes healthy integration.

[volicon]

Thank you, BrownEye. I understand now.