Reverting to the orange ray

[Brittany]

Having a friend pass away recently has made me realize how much of what I perceived to be "love" is actually "attachment." After Chuck's death I started getting paranoid every time I didn't hear from one of my friends for a few days. They must be dead, too. I had a serious freak-out in which I was SURE one of my friends had died, when he was perfectly fine and oblivious to my paranoia.

I eventually realized how distorted this train of thought was, and dug deep into this fear to realize that my true fear was that of abandonment. I use my friends and loved ones for self-validation. "Many people like me, therefore I must be a good person." If all my friends were to disappear, I would be left with only my own impression of myself, which is obviously still not one of confidence. Therefore that which I feel towards my friends is often an entirely selfish love, in which I see them as possessions which ornament my self-image. I feed from them, using their praise to sustain myself because I'm still not at the point of being able to look in the mirror and be okay with what I see. If that isn't reverting to orange ray, I don't know what is.

Finally I understand why I've experienced such tightness in my solar plexus for over a year now. It's actually a relief, to have the truth out there, so I can start working on the issue with less delusion. This means loving my friends because of who they are, not because of what they do for me. "Loving without expectation of anything in return." Other selves are capable of supporting me along my journey, but only I can choose to cross the threshold of self-acceptance and stand full in the light. It also means allowing myself to be myself around my friends instead of putting on a mask out of fear of rejection. This is much, much harder than I expected it to be, but at long last I think I'm discovering what true friendship actually is.