How I Really Feel

[Oldern]

It takes courage to write all that down, Tenet.
If you do not mind, I would like to offer some advice, while addressing one particluar point of yours. Which is this:

"Similar patterns have emerged in my interactions with people in this forum over the years. I mention this only to show that it is part of a larger pattern that started looooong before I ever started participating here. And while I do admit to sometimes being antagonistic- there have been times where I feel that the anger being directed at me is way out of proportion to anything I actually said. Again- not unique to this forum but part of a larger pattern of my life."

I am not sure if you would consider me as part of that anger, but I remember our argument a few days ago. While I do admitted that I was "riled up", I instantly sensed that you reacted to that in a way how people react when they have triggered something inside. The trigger went off, and we could return to the flow of discussion a few hours later, yet that trigger is not something to easily ignore.

I do not believe in coincidences, Tenet, and that is why I am writing this to you. What I experienced regarding your style and thinking is VERY similar to my own arguing/posting habits on a few other forums, way way back the line. I am not saying that I became a better person since then, but I definitely got tired of that type of activity. It is just too hard to keep up with. Too much knowledge. The ego gets really big with all the logical fallacies, styles, factual errors and all that jazz. That is an artificial wall, and a wall not worth maintainng.

In the past on this forum, I had two or three encounters when I had problems with certain individuals. I have since then came to love them all. That three person is Pickle, Shin'Ar and you. All three times I had to have inner discussions with myself about what exactly is my problem, and how (or why) I should deal with it. With Pickle, it was about his approach to all this in a way more active manner than I do. Which triggered within me my own built-up guilt for maybe, maybe not doing all I can. With Shin'Ar, the long posts, the certainty that there are spiritual dangers out there is what got me. Then I had to realize that my position of "nothing can hurt us, really" might be the one that is a non-balanced view of all this.

~~~~ And with that, I am back to you. So, I think that too much knowledge without that tiny bit of wonder can be really detrimental. You sound like someone who sees every possibility, who, upon waking up, is ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN that nothing will come that will leave you surprised. Except if it is some sad tragedy or some twisted bad news. Which is way less than ideal.

I do not know the specific solution to all that. All I know is that I actually felt the same way for 2-3-4 years. Those years, my mind was sharp, my reasoning skills were gawdlike, my ability to discern other individual's flaws were surprising, and I kept it all in check. Which made me a lot of enemies, folks that still up to this point think of me as someone that I am really not. Interestingly, Law of One was the thing that moved me out of my comfort zone.

For you, I do not know what will bring the wonder back. Yoga? That is just a practice, when approached analytically. QiQong? Same. A new hobby? A good tv show, some anime or manga? A new personal project? Anything that makes you go to bed at the end of the day like someone who is eager for the next day to come. You can find that. Maybe it is hidden behind a logical paradox or two, but I am absolutely sure that you can find it.

(Also: one more thing, that is meditation-related. When doing chakra clearing, make sure to reach back to EVERYTHING that you might keep holding up. I have done such flashbacks several times, and I am surprised that stuff still keeps coming up, from places that I do not even remember. But we clean it up, digest and accept, then move on. With an embrace.)

I hope some of this was actually helpful.