greatest challange. and appologies

[Avocado]

Before I get into this post I want to explain where I am coming from. This past year has been difficult for me. I've probably aged more this year than any in my life because it has felt like, more or less, a constant stream of adrenaline and cortisol, but it has been especially difficult recently. I'm sorry if I have ever been unloving on the forum to you. If I did hurt you it was unintended and not on purpose.

This forum, to me, is a place where I can feel harmony and love without worrying about judgement. It's unique. The problems arise when I get confused about the Ra material/relationships. I simply don't believe in STS/STO. I've tried but it just feels like I don't believe it. Our differences don't matter though when we are coming from a place of love and embracing others as ourselves. At some point I think I will use the forums to study the LOO and participate in the LOO specific forum in the process, but for now I am just healing and dealing with some very basic lessons through direct experience. Which brings me to the thing about speaking...

This is perhaps my greatest challenge. It is one that I knew that I was going to have to face at some point, even when I was a young child. My throat closes very rapidly in some situations and is difficult to open. When ever I meet new people this happens, or with people I don't know well, or with people I am not comfortable around or when I am not comfortable being myself.

I don't use masks any more. You either get me, some watered down nervous version of me who barley speaks, or anywhere in between. When my throat closes the creative, unthinking, free flowing voice shuts down and I also find it difficult to simply think of things to say. I could go in to further detail but I don't think that explaining my neuroses would be helpful or appropriate.

It just deeply saddens me that this is such a great challenge. I want to get a job because I know this will help me learn the lesson. I just feel like I will have a panic attack my first day. It saddens me because I had no idea it was going to be this painful when I faced this fear.

I made a list of self-optimization so I can empower myself as far as my consciousness extends. Like going to bed early and working on oneiromancy.

I hope I may understand what beliefs are keeping me from remaining comfortable in the face of strangers. I learned about cacao shamanism and it's use as a spiritual and psychoactive-therapeutic healer, not unlike MDMA. It's good for your heart, physically and meta(phopric/physically). I will be getting some and drinking it ceremonially. I will report back with how it goes. My intention is to understand and change my beliefs through love.

Podcast 334 – “The Alchemy of Cacao”

Thanks for reading.
.:peace and love:.