what did you learn today?

[Plenum]

well, today I learnt I had to forgive myself for a whole 'year' of life, which happens to be 1995.

I had just turned 18, gotten out of high school, started university (what you guys call 'college') and was basically a fish out of water.

little social skills, facing the 'real world' for the first time, having discovered a little metaphysics and being confronted with my sheer ignorance of how things worked in reality ... travelling long distances (both a bus and train required) to get to my campus, the cold, experimenting with my diet ... this was a horrendous year for me in terms of psyche and confidence.

I was totally shaken and confused. The entire year, I truly did not want to 'be there'; I never harbored any thoughts of 'ending it', not even in the most despairing periods, but the attitude of not wanting to be present pervaded my psyche. And it left a stamp.

after this period, whenever I had difficulties or was faced with life-confronting stresses, this 'emotion' or attitude was triggered from that year. I had learnt to approach things with the attitude of a victim - 'I don't like it, so I don't want to be here'. I felt that I couldn't change things or influence the outcome that well.

this whole year of my life had to be forgiven, and the corresponding hold it has on me hopefully should be released.

- -

the past is not truly left behind until it is understood for what it was, accepted, and integrated.

I hadn't really appreciated the subterranean effects that this one year of life had on me until a dream brought this to light.