Facing the Shadow

[Aaron]

Hey guys. In the last few days, I've paid close attention to those conflicting feelings of mine, and I came to a few conclusions.

One of the basis of my ideal relationships is TRUST. I crave someone I can trust completely. Which leads to the desire to be totally transparent to that someone, including the exposure of all my vulnerabilities. Someone around whom I don't have to even bother about putting up guards. Someone to be completely open with. Someone to surrender completely to. Someone that I don't HOPE to not hurt me, but someone I KNOW will not hurt me.

And I desire not a shelter, but an EQUAL. Not a savior, but a partner. Not someone to hide behind, but to stand side by side. To trust, and be trusted; to open, and be opened; to accept, and be accepted; to protect, and be protected. To love, and be loved.

So going from the root up, my thought hierarchy of those fantasies is: TRUST > TRANSPARENCY > VULNERABILITY.
Being vulnerable is the manifestation of my desire to trust. And since I have repressed and denied my sexual desires so many times, because all the subjects do not share mutual affection with me, such denial and repression pushed the desire down into darkness, mutating it to its dark extreme reactions of the desire to be tortured and raped. Since I repressed violently my desire to be vulnerable - to be submissive, it has reacted violently into the desire to be dominated, violently. Which is rape and torture.

I cannot resolve that conflict until I have someone who share mutual affection with me. And I can never be anything to anyone before being such myself first. To be accepted, I must first accept myself. Be vulnerable, be honest, be open first, to myself. Be totally transparent, be totally honest with myself. To trust that I will not hurt myself, punish myself with shame and guilt, that I will accept myself no matter what. That I will not be someone for myself to be wary of, that I am my own ally, not my own nemesis. That I will love myself unconditionally.
And until I have been those things to myself, I can never be so to anyone else.

So, for now, I will continue working on those energy visualizations - a balanced energy system can't hurt - and to practice loving myself and accepting myself. As for the fantasies, I think I understand it now. And with understanding, I believe I will soon reach acceptance for it. Thank you for your support in the last few days - it helped greatly and I really appreciate it! I hope to be of service and to return the favors soon.

You just helped me understand a very similar catalyst. I'm similar to you and experience the same catalyst but with different fetish details. In my case it wasn't influenced by any sexual experience in this lifetime either.

Thank you!!