07-21-2013, 09:40 AM
Since awakening, resolving this issue has been one of my most important achievements. The years prior, I was filled with contempt and utter hate for my wife whom had put me through the ringer so to speak over the prior 5 years. I was left broke, homeless, and alone so I was forced to live on my parents living room floor for a year.
During those prior years of damage, there was one moment that will always stick with me though I don't hold it against myself anymore. It mainly scares me as I've always felt as if there was a darkness within me. This was made evident another time also. I was 21 or 22 maybe. My wife and a couple friends were drinking. I must have blacked up but from what my friend told me, our other friend was picking on me a little by play wrestling. He was 6'1 probably around 250lbs. Me being 5'6 and around 180lbs at the time, was no match. My friend could see I was getting angry then all of a sudden, he said I turned into someone else and I started throwing this 250lbs man around like a rag doll to which he promptly stopped.
Fast forward to about 4 years ago. My wife was in the deepest parts of her drug addiction/depression. I at the time started to disconnect from her as I was simply tired of trying to help her. I went out drinking with some friends. I finally somehow drove myself home after 8 solid hours of drinking. My wife sick to death from wondering where I was started drilling me on where I was. the last thing I remember, I reheated a hamburger.
The next thing I know, I hear a banging on the front door and the police coming in asking if everything was ok. I guess I was still a little out of it at that time so I puffed up and it's none of your f'n business. I guess he could see the state I was in, said "ok lets start over". My wife went upstairs with our daughter, grabbed some stuff and left. I just fell to the ground balling my eyes out because of the hell that I was being put through with her and her issues. He talked a little with me and left shortly after that.
As I walked around, I could not believe what I saw. I completely wrecked our house. There were plates broken everywhere. Broken windows, Tables tossed over, and I even managed to rip one of those old 1920's style swinging kitchen doors right off of its hinges. I mean I literally pulled or kicked the steel right out of this solid oak door. I wound up with a toenail half off of my big toe.
After my wife and I talked, she said it looked like I was possessed. My eyes were completely dilated black. She said that right as the cop banged on the door, I grabbed two knives as if I was about to attack whoever walked through that door. She said she yelled at me which is where she could see me snap back into reality. I'm pretty sure it was alcohol induced psychosis but ever since then, I've often wondered if there was a darker side to me. Sometimes I had felt that I would have no problem ripping someones throat out and not even being concerned over doing so.
Fast forward to this past year. Once I began this path, I started to realize the utter ridiculousness of getting angry at anything. If you think about it, becoming angry, especially angry enough to use such a powerful word such as hate accomplishes absolutely nothing. It not only forces one down into a never ending vicious pit of despair, it radiates to others thus amplifying these negative emotions by bringing other selves to your level.
Though my work isn't completely finished as there are still little issues here and there that will annoy me, I have made an amazing transformation in a relatively short period of time. There are other transcripts that show the need to sometimes let those emotions out just enough to give you that little insight as to what else needs work. I have found that simply taking a deep breath, smiling, and realizing the insignificance of getting angry over such a minute event in the grand scheme of things and for that I'm eternally grateful.
During those prior years of damage, there was one moment that will always stick with me though I don't hold it against myself anymore. It mainly scares me as I've always felt as if there was a darkness within me. This was made evident another time also. I was 21 or 22 maybe. My wife and a couple friends were drinking. I must have blacked up but from what my friend told me, our other friend was picking on me a little by play wrestling. He was 6'1 probably around 250lbs. Me being 5'6 and around 180lbs at the time, was no match. My friend could see I was getting angry then all of a sudden, he said I turned into someone else and I started throwing this 250lbs man around like a rag doll to which he promptly stopped.
Fast forward to about 4 years ago. My wife was in the deepest parts of her drug addiction/depression. I at the time started to disconnect from her as I was simply tired of trying to help her. I went out drinking with some friends. I finally somehow drove myself home after 8 solid hours of drinking. My wife sick to death from wondering where I was started drilling me on where I was. the last thing I remember, I reheated a hamburger.
The next thing I know, I hear a banging on the front door and the police coming in asking if everything was ok. I guess I was still a little out of it at that time so I puffed up and it's none of your f'n business. I guess he could see the state I was in, said "ok lets start over". My wife went upstairs with our daughter, grabbed some stuff and left. I just fell to the ground balling my eyes out because of the hell that I was being put through with her and her issues. He talked a little with me and left shortly after that.
As I walked around, I could not believe what I saw. I completely wrecked our house. There were plates broken everywhere. Broken windows, Tables tossed over, and I even managed to rip one of those old 1920's style swinging kitchen doors right off of its hinges. I mean I literally pulled or kicked the steel right out of this solid oak door. I wound up with a toenail half off of my big toe.
After my wife and I talked, she said it looked like I was possessed. My eyes were completely dilated black. She said that right as the cop banged on the door, I grabbed two knives as if I was about to attack whoever walked through that door. She said she yelled at me which is where she could see me snap back into reality. I'm pretty sure it was alcohol induced psychosis but ever since then, I've often wondered if there was a darker side to me. Sometimes I had felt that I would have no problem ripping someones throat out and not even being concerned over doing so.
Fast forward to this past year. Once I began this path, I started to realize the utter ridiculousness of getting angry at anything. If you think about it, becoming angry, especially angry enough to use such a powerful word such as hate accomplishes absolutely nothing. It not only forces one down into a never ending vicious pit of despair, it radiates to others thus amplifying these negative emotions by bringing other selves to your level.
Though my work isn't completely finished as there are still little issues here and there that will annoy me, I have made an amazing transformation in a relatively short period of time. There are other transcripts that show the need to sometimes let those emotions out just enough to give you that little insight as to what else needs work. I have found that simply taking a deep breath, smiling, and realizing the insignificance of getting angry over such a minute event in the grand scheme of things and for that I'm eternally grateful.
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