Honesty

[Ali Quadir]

Thank you all for the honest replies. Yes, I realize that I have the habit of seeing myself as the victim. I think it is an attempt to hide all the hate I have for various aspects of myself…blaming them on someone else. I have got to realize that until I can square with myself I’m not going to be able to fix any other relationship. In the end I am the only one who can make or break myself, no one else. How I respond is always up to me.

See, you're already in the know... Remember back when you didn't know? You were holding on to a bit of wood in a torrent. Now you already know you're holding the wheel!

So all things considering, you're in great shape. The step from there to here can easily be replicated to get to the next level. No one knows the path, but the next step is usually clear.

For some reason I have always had the notion in my head that I need to be perfect. Everyone else is excused, but for some reason I’m not allowed to make mistakes. Where does that come from?

Everyone has a partly negative self image, some more some less. But it's pretty much universal. We put conditions on self worth. If I do this or that I will gain or lose self worth. We even put those conditions in the external, if many people tell me I am worthy, then I am worthy. But if you don't feel it inside, you'll always need more.

Again I'm speaking from experience, in my family being smart and academic converted to worth. Which is why I've developed this outrageous professor persona. Which benefited and trapped me. Maybe it was impressed upon you to make no mistakes. Which has benefited you and trapped you.

Seeking perfection must have acquired you success in some areas. And if you're uncertain about your work, polishing it is a calming and successful strategy.

However, self worth is a given. You give it yourself. The rules you've put in place for it are not useful if you never feel bad about yourself or if you never feel good about yourself. Reward yourself for little rights. And coach yourself when you detect little wrongs. Don't excuse, but reward or change. On the whole your average feelings of self worth should be large. It's okay to love yourself without reasons. It will make you less dependent on other peoples approval. This alone will cause people to seek your approval. Which you can then give and feel good about.

I wonder if it is just another factor in my attention-seeking problem. Did I perhaps create a poor self image in hopes of garnering pity? A façade that eventually developed into a full-blown, very real self hatred?

I'm just a third (or fourth ) opinion of course, but I would consider it the other way round. Your low self image would cause approval seeking behavior. A sign of approval of someone makes you feel more at ease.

I just don’t understand WHY I want attention so much. I don’t WANT to want it, but I find myself engaging in the same self-destructive behaviors over and over again, all somehow related to getting some kind of attention.

And there's the good news. This is squarely inside your realm of control. Like smoking or drinking it's simply a habit to kick. If you're dead serious you do want to engage the bad behaviors or you would not do it. You want the pay off, the high of the drug. But that's an addiction. Wean yourself off it.

I'm not different. I believe no one is. We all just developed our own methods of feeding our hungers.

I am not much of a people person. The majority of the time I am content with solitude and would generally prefer to be left alone. Then I have this totally conflicting behavior that brings in the kind of attention that makes me generally want to be alone in the first place. 

To go back to the wolf pack. Maybe you express your desire for attention in a way that attracts "low value" people. Everyone is priceless of course. But some people don't exactly fix you up they more sort of use you and run off. A pro tip, needy behavior (automatically giving everyone that comes around a higher status than yourself) attracts low value people and repels high value people. While status retaining behavior repels low value people and attracts high value people. Most people if you ask a short interested question listen for the answer. And walk off instead of clinging to this initial success. Will seek you out later on because they feel you don't need their approval they will value your approval more and seek it. Then live with abundance in mind, desire people to succeed and they will lift you with their desire for you to succeed.

Sure, my childhood had some bumps in it, but everyone’s does. I do not think the roots end there. There is something buried so deep in there, and I just can’t quite put my finger on it.

Oh I'm sure there must be something terribly terribly wrong with you so deep on the inside that the rest of us can't see it. You're different. Something like being cursed by the gods. Or having some extremely nasty karmic debt.

It's not there... Its an excuse, you are free.

I had the beast inside. The thing if I did not contain it and suffer from it would destroy the world (mine anyway). The thing that made me less of a human. The thing that made me damned. The thing that ultimately was my own bs projections to excuse myself from the fact that I was not kicking my behind hard enough to actually improve my situation.

So yeah I was damned in a way.

But I cannot keep denying the effects of these behaviors. I realize I am hurting myself and all there is to do is break the cycle once and for all. Still, knowing the cause would probably help a lot with dealing with the effect.

The cause? Lets go back in time.

Millions of years ago, mammals decided to band together, many ears hear more than two, and many eyes see more than two. Many voices sound much louder and scarier to predators. But to do this you need cohesion. A social structure. Which required hierarchy. And which requires individuals to instinctively understand and obey the hierarchy.

Through physical posture, other body language and vocal communication we developed a flawless hierarchy that would get the smartest strongest in the alpha position and weed out the weaker subjects...

All would be well, but we developed a brain and emotion reinforcing thoughts started messing with the system.

Right now you can have a great body a great mind and sensitive emotions and still talk yourself down to omega level. Or you can be sitting in a wheel chair deformed all over and still end up hanging out with beautiful and wonderful people.

So think smart, reinforce your strengths and develop the skills to cover your weaknesses.

It's the natural path to success.

I have been denying this problem for years on end, assuring everyone, including myself, that I have no need for such antics. I’ve fabricated so many justifications for my actions, but now it’s at the point where I have nothing to do but look at the truth and realize that that’s all there is. I don’t like what I see, but seeing the real thing is better than wallowing in all the fake emotions created to mask the truth. At least operating from this perspective I have a foundation I can start building on, and I want to build a positive, peaceful house on this foundation, not one of those haunted hotels.

Your kingdom come. Your will be done... In heaven as it is on earth...
That's what this prayer is about isn't it?

You are the creator in your life. You are able to change your life. The question is not so much where am I? But where do I want to go? Don't look into your past so much that you forget to imagine your future.

Namaste