04-21-2010, 01:28 AM
Oh wow. That's a tough one! I'm not sure what the best course of action would be. Maybe in some cases it might be better to come clean, while in others it might be better to continue the white lies. I know some would say that it's always better to be totally honest, and, ideally, that might be true, but unfortunately when people are so locked up in their thinking, hearing something they consider 'radical' often causes them pain. Do we protect them from the pain by being dishonest, or do we contribute to their catalyst by being honest? I wish I knew the answer to that. I don't. All I can suggest is that you ask for guidance in each individual situation. Your guidance might be different from one time to the next.
When I was about 17, my mom was terrified that I might start smoking pot and begged me to tell her if I ever did. We weren't close at all. I lived in an abusive household. (Well my mom wasn't the abuser but neither did she show any love, only because she wasn't capable of it.) So it's not like I ever confided in her about anything else! She got my sister to tell me about the birds and the bees, so it was rather absurd that she would expect me to confide in her about my party life!
But, she kept insisting, so, finally, I relented and told her that I'd been getting high for over 2 years. It wasn't a big deal to me, and I figured if it was that big a deal to her, I might as well accommodate her wishes!
Well, she totally flipped out! She was devastated! She cried for days. You'd think I'd just admitted to being a mass murderer or something!!
The sad thing is that she went to her grave believing I'd done something horrible. Despite my best efforts to explain the relative benignness (is that a word?) of pot, she just never got it. I was a druggie, as far as she was concerned!
So, later, after I'd been married for several years and she had the audacity to ask me if I engaged in xyz sexual practices, I told her it was none of her business.
And it wasn't.
I really don't think I owed her an explanation of what I did at parties when I was 17, any more than I owed her an explanation of what I did in the bedroom at 25. Those were all details of my private life that didn't concern her.
The fact that she thought it concerned her, did not obligate me to confide in her. I realized, after her inability to handle the knowledge of a teenager in the 70s acting like, well, like a teenager in the 70s, indicated to me that her main objective wasn't getting close to me, as it was in looking for something to judge me with.
This was my experience with my mom, who might have been totally different than your parents. Your parents might have entirely different motivations for wanting to know more details about your life. I'm just sharing what happened to me, and it might not apply in your case! So just discard if it doesn't resonate!
Do your parents seem genuinely interested in your life? When they ask how the evening went, do they seem like they really want to know, or is it like when strangers say, "How are you?" and you know they don't really want to know? (We've all experienced a stranger saying "How are you?" and we say, "really awful" and they smile and nod and say, "That's nice.")
Another factor to consider is timing. Maybe you could be honest with them at some point, but not necessarily now. Sort of like a delayed honesty...? Right now they still consider you their responsibility. They still have the power to curtail your social activities, right? And you seem pretty certain that they wouldn't understand. You might want to weigh out the pros and cons both ways, and decide if it's really going to serve them by opening up something you know will cause a lot of discord. Maybe you could make a mental note to tell them after you have moved out, have a steady job, and have shown them that you are a responsible adult. Then, their learning of your previous partying might just seem like the follies of youth, and they might just take it in stride. Hearing an adult recount what they did in their youth is vastly different from a youth confessing to current 'indiscretions.'
Whatever you decide, I hope everything works out for the good of all!
When I was about 17, my mom was terrified that I might start smoking pot and begged me to tell her if I ever did. We weren't close at all. I lived in an abusive household. (Well my mom wasn't the abuser but neither did she show any love, only because she wasn't capable of it.) So it's not like I ever confided in her about anything else! She got my sister to tell me about the birds and the bees, so it was rather absurd that she would expect me to confide in her about my party life!
But, she kept insisting, so, finally, I relented and told her that I'd been getting high for over 2 years. It wasn't a big deal to me, and I figured if it was that big a deal to her, I might as well accommodate her wishes!
Well, she totally flipped out! She was devastated! She cried for days. You'd think I'd just admitted to being a mass murderer or something!!
The sad thing is that she went to her grave believing I'd done something horrible. Despite my best efforts to explain the relative benignness (is that a word?) of pot, she just never got it. I was a druggie, as far as she was concerned!
So, later, after I'd been married for several years and she had the audacity to ask me if I engaged in xyz sexual practices, I told her it was none of her business.
And it wasn't.
I really don't think I owed her an explanation of what I did at parties when I was 17, any more than I owed her an explanation of what I did in the bedroom at 25. Those were all details of my private life that didn't concern her.
The fact that she thought it concerned her, did not obligate me to confide in her. I realized, after her inability to handle the knowledge of a teenager in the 70s acting like, well, like a teenager in the 70s, indicated to me that her main objective wasn't getting close to me, as it was in looking for something to judge me with.
This was my experience with my mom, who might have been totally different than your parents. Your parents might have entirely different motivations for wanting to know more details about your life. I'm just sharing what happened to me, and it might not apply in your case! So just discard if it doesn't resonate!
Do your parents seem genuinely interested in your life? When they ask how the evening went, do they seem like they really want to know, or is it like when strangers say, "How are you?" and you know they don't really want to know? (We've all experienced a stranger saying "How are you?" and we say, "really awful" and they smile and nod and say, "That's nice.")
Another factor to consider is timing. Maybe you could be honest with them at some point, but not necessarily now. Sort of like a delayed honesty...? Right now they still consider you their responsibility. They still have the power to curtail your social activities, right? And you seem pretty certain that they wouldn't understand. You might want to weigh out the pros and cons both ways, and decide if it's really going to serve them by opening up something you know will cause a lot of discord. Maybe you could make a mental note to tell them after you have moved out, have a steady job, and have shown them that you are a responsible adult. Then, their learning of your previous partying might just seem like the follies of youth, and they might just take it in stride. Hearing an adult recount what they did in their youth is vastly different from a youth confessing to current 'indiscretions.'
Whatever you decide, I hope everything works out for the good of all!