12-27-2013, 09:27 PM
So, being paid more than $16 or so an hour always hit my limit of feeling guilty and uncomfortable.
I've determined that this is a result of not feeling valued in any of the various circles that I participate in. So, this would seem to be a yellow ray distortion.
This sits on top of a distortion that I'm not worthy of being loved physically. And of course, I'm not worthy of receiving pleasure from another person because I have never seen someone display signs of enjoying my attention.
The assumption here is that family will always be there for me, and so they are more or less left out. Their treatment of me changes only as I move to fit their perceptions of success or not.
So, the yellow ray distortion fit right on top of the orange ray distortion. When I perceived that I was being valued by any group of people I would begin sabotaging my standing in the group or activity. This was an unconscious action as it only occurred to me much later that this had been a recurring pattern in my life. This of course is to my benefit in that it forced me to deal first with my issue of not perceiving me contributing love/light to others in one on one relationships.
Friends have come forward recently as I communicate honestly with them saying that I have had a large impact on their lives, but as I had no way of seeing that in the moment the distortion persisted.
I like to think that if I was really good at sex this particular distortion would vanish in wave after wave of orgasmic energy. >:}
So, perhaps the orange ray distortion created the yellow ray distortion as I used to enthusiastically engage any new activity that caught my fancy.
I could simply experiment and see if abundance energies (crystals/affirmations/visualizations/meditations/etc) could alleviate it, because I'm already getting great feedback from every female that I spend more than 10 seconds with.
It's fairly debilitating, as if I accept generosity from others I simply begin spending money and engaging in destructive behavior.
I've determined that this is a result of not feeling valued in any of the various circles that I participate in. So, this would seem to be a yellow ray distortion.
This sits on top of a distortion that I'm not worthy of being loved physically. And of course, I'm not worthy of receiving pleasure from another person because I have never seen someone display signs of enjoying my attention.
The assumption here is that family will always be there for me, and so they are more or less left out. Their treatment of me changes only as I move to fit their perceptions of success or not.
So, the yellow ray distortion fit right on top of the orange ray distortion. When I perceived that I was being valued by any group of people I would begin sabotaging my standing in the group or activity. This was an unconscious action as it only occurred to me much later that this had been a recurring pattern in my life. This of course is to my benefit in that it forced me to deal first with my issue of not perceiving me contributing love/light to others in one on one relationships.
Friends have come forward recently as I communicate honestly with them saying that I have had a large impact on their lives, but as I had no way of seeing that in the moment the distortion persisted.
I like to think that if I was really good at sex this particular distortion would vanish in wave after wave of orgasmic energy. >:}
So, perhaps the orange ray distortion created the yellow ray distortion as I used to enthusiastically engage any new activity that caught my fancy.
I could simply experiment and see if abundance energies (crystals/affirmations/visualizations/meditations/etc) could alleviate it, because I'm already getting great feedback from every female that I spend more than 10 seconds with.
It's fairly debilitating, as if I accept generosity from others I simply begin spending money and engaging in destructive behavior.