Distortion watch

[GentleReckoning]

So, the yellow ray distortion fit right on top of the orange ray distortion. When I perceived that I was being valued by any group of people I would begin sabotaging my standing in the group or activity. This was an unconscious action as it only occurred to me much later that this had been a recurring pattern in my life. This of course is to my benefit in that it forced me to deal first with my issue of not perceiving me contributing love/light to others in one on one relationships.


So, perhaps the orange ray distortion created the yellow ray distortion as I used to enthusiastically engage any new activity that caught my fancy.

yeah, orange ray and yellow ray fit snugly together. Issues with one (say, self worth in orange ray), leads to the impediments and self-sabotage that you referred to in your more group oriented activities.

its probably best to examine the orange ray issues a bit more closely.

at its heart, it goes to questions of - 'do I have a right to love others?'. This may sounds like a strange question, but underpinning that question are certain belief patterns around what is permissible (as in permissions given to the self) regards certain activities. When we don't give ourself the right (permission) to engage in certain activities, our mind will find a way to route the energies around it, despite how much we might 'want it' on a conscious/desire level, the baseline attitudes or permissions have been denied aforehand.

"do I have a right to love others" ... often behind such a statement is a feeling of having been rejected by individuals of the other sex in early experiences. This could be rejection by the mother (she withheld love and affection from you - simple things like physical hugs and kisses on the cheek), or a tense relation with a sister (and she held back any sense of friendship from you), or early experiences dating, where you might have made a few attempts, but were either rejected or laughed at by someone you found quite pretty and attractive (maybe one of the more 'popular' girls). Anyway, it could be any of these things.

after those initial experiences, which were most likely quite hurtful (rejection by the opposite sex always is!), the more sensitive individual can choose to insulate themselves from such situations, and never put themself in a similiar event where rejection by the opposite sex is even a vague possibility. So one 'blocks' or denies the permission to interact in any real way, even though the conscious mind recognises the desire and the value of a deep relationship with the other sex.

so this statement - "do I have the right to love others ..." becomes quite relevant in that context. If, at the deepest level, one fears rejection by a person of the opposite sex, then one is denying oneself the ability to truly love, because the fear of rejection is the deeper belief pattern. - ie, I will never be hurt again, I will never put myself in such a situation of vulnerability ever again.

It's fairly debilitating, as if I accept generosity from others I simply begin spending money and engaging in destructive behavior.

yes, I can imagine. But, as you've been astute enough to observe, it is feedback from the self regards certain belief patterns. And under the system of Free Will, we are most assuredly endowed with the ability to pick, choose, change, chop, and alternate whatever belief patterns suits our fancy. So even deep rooted patterns, if exposed to the light of the antiseptic sun, can be changed once they are recognised for the maladaptions that they are.

there indeed are healthy (free flowing) belief patterns, and also belief patterns that are constricted and lead to a smelly marshland of the self (a repetitve ocd-like consciousness).

we absolutely have the right to pick and choose how our mind is constructed.

I engaged in sexual activity at a young age. After this activity came to light I felt as though I had done so heinous a sin that I began to dedicate my life to my family's beliefs. As the sins of the 'flesh' were preached just about every Sunday I quickly adopted the idea that feeling aroused was apparently a terrible sin.

This created a situation where I was completely unable to interact positively with anyone that I was attracted to.

Even though I doubted this set of beliefs midway through high-school I was unwilling to abandon my family as I had had a storied happy childhood. So, I simply made friends that my parent's would approve of and forced myself to fall in love with someone that fit the mold more or less. However, as I had forced myself to avoid looking anywhere that would cause me arousal, the relationship had a fairly quick, abrupt end. Interestingly enough I was beginning to heal in this relationship even though it was only 4 months long. Since then, I've learned to fall in love with people by gazing into their eyes, but I still have difficulty being in the moment enough to let my body do what it needs to to become aroused. (aka, gazing at another body, visualizing, I dunno what people do)