The Mission

[Ankh]

And I also want to mention that it doesn't matter anymore if I die tomorrow, or by some other reasons never reach this goal. Because I remember, and that is all which is important. There is a clear air around my path now, as to knowing where to go - and, all else is up to the intelligent infinity. The outcome of this plan never mattered in the first place.

Great post, Ankh!

I'm so happy that you have gained this sort of understanding and insight into the purpose motivating your incarnation here. Like you write above, it must come as such a relief.

I have sought similar. While I have a strong hunch that I am serving roughly within the parameters intended before incarnation, there is still an intense pull to discover something more, something... else, you might say. I don't' know to what extent the desire stems from something real, or is rather a certain narrative that I've adopted and superimposed over my actual pre-incarnational goals, but it is there nevertheless.

I've felt though that to be in harmony with ones pre-incarnational plan, like you describe, would necessarily bring a level of peace, calm, and certainty. Which wouldn't mean I suddenly have all the answers, or am no longer confused by life, or am free from suffering. But I would have that bedrock of knowing that, no matter how the storms blow, there is no longer any self-doubt – I am doing what I came here to do, and to be.

As it now stands, there are waves of the most intense and (as I internally perceive these things) cruel catalyst that just absolutely inundate me. On the outside I go about my business and the duties of my day, but on the inside there is a concentration of raw, energetic pain, like an injury that's been reactivated. It is complex energy field with emotions of being lost, feeling inadequate to the task, feeling alone in a threatening and cold world that will... I don't know... crush me alive. It is a life-sized ball of dread/anxiety/terror/fear, and there is a crying out for relief or escape, but there is literally no "place", inner or outer, to go.

I don't know it's source, but I wonder if understanding and knowing my purpose her would ameliorate the intensity of this inner terror because I would experience that "clear air around my path" you describe.

At any rate, the seeking continues. Thanks for all your own hard work through the valleys and trenches of sorrow, dear Ankh. I hope your feet grow stronger in this walk. : )

Thank you, dear one.

You know, just because one knows the path, does not mean that one can walk it? Unfortunately...

I do my best, but sometimes I have to laugh at that path... This "clear air around my path" is not there anymore. And it's funny, because I thought that if anything, than this one would always be there with me. I've been through many metaphysical experiences, which never lasted, but in this case, I really thought that this "clear air" would stay with me... It didn't.

So, nowdays, I am equally lost as before understanding or knowing this path. It feels like standing in front of the Mount Everest, and knowing that your pre-incarnative plan was to clumb that rock, but in real life you are in no way prepared to do it because of your fitness, physical ability etc. So you are just standing there, looking up, and laughing, thinking "yeah, right!" =)

So, my experience, my brother, in regards to what you are saying here: "it must come as such a relief" - kill that Buddha.

But in regards to what you are saying here: "While I have a strong hunch that I am serving roughly within the parameters intended before incarnation, there is still an intense pull to discover something more, something... else, you might say." - my humble opinion is that if you feel that there is still something more or else that you feel that you are intended to do, then there probably is...