Choosing sadness

[Billy]

Only recently have I been making a conscious effort to make positive change in my life in order to live more beautifully. I can sincerely say I want happiness/want to be happy. For the longest time however I was stuck in unhealthy patterns of thought and was unwilling to make positive change regardless of oppurtunity. I'm still afflicted with such thought patterns but they are significantly weaker. I suppose I'm wondering why someone would choose sadness over happiness? I used to feel as though my pain was what gave me worth as a human being and without it I would be worthless. I'm sure theres much more to it than that but I'm hard pressed to think of a fuller answer. Any help is greatly appreciated.