Quiet

[Marc]

I haven't had much to say on the forums since my last big post speaking of how I left my wife. And this next period of my life has been so calm that I lost any urge to consciously seek "spiritual" things, such as meditation, reading spiritual texts, and interpreting all my dreams. I had some recurrent dreams I had to work through but after that I found myself unemployed and playing hours a day of Assassins Creed on my computer. I had the job I really wanted come to me and went through three interviews. I knew I was perfect for the job and maybe even a bit overqualified. My interviews went better than well, but then I was turned down.

I could find no other jobs that fit me and almost despaired, but then I had one last windfall from my deceased father. It was enough to make me last through the summer until school started without needing work. I knew it was divine timing as I have always been taken care of by the creator. I usually get depressed without work and when I was with my wife she always made me feel like s*** if I enjoyed my time while being unemployed. I was thinking this time would be pretty hard, but then realized that I was supposed to be unemployed this season. I wanted a job to live off of and was instead presented with free money.

So then I didn't know what to do with my time. I'm an introvert so as I mentioned before I started following all my desires without restraint and found myself playing tons of video games (Assassins Creed 1-4) and watching tv shows (Dexter and Game of Thrones). Without structure to my life all spiritual practices of mine fell away. I also talked with people from time to time and had good conversations about nature and energy. I started realizing how pointless all my spiritual and theoretical seekings were and found myself caring little about chakras, aliens, astral travel, etc... I only cared about nature and what applied to me right now in life. I liked assassins creed, because I got to experience my shadow, the Assassin. I got to see how much I enjoyed fighting, killing, stealth, and violence. I've always been trying to be the positive loving man, but failed to understand that I must embrace my more brutal tendencies within my shadow.

I used to fight my addiction to video games but I had no reason to this time. I fully accepted my desire for them. I accepted the dark style and violence I loved in them. I accepted it all. Through this I feel that this has been such a great spiritual experience and I have learned so much about myself by letting go of the "spiritual" and just allowing my desires to rule and observing where they take me. I care little about aliens and most of what this site talks about incessantly and just find my self simply sitting in aware silence-- quiet.

Sometimes we need talk of aliens and extra-dimensionals to fill our head to lift us out of the mundane world we live in, but sometimes all we need is to just live aware of ourselves and only think about the simple truth inside of the seeming 'mundane' existence of everyday life. You won't find me commenting on much here these days as very little of it has any practical application for me. I find more inspiriration walking through the woods and playing random video games. I mean no disrespect to the forum, but I feel that I must share my quiet experience here, as maybe someone else might benefit from it.