Death, the final Veil

[Fang]

I've always "known" of the impermeability of the self but that's what scared me so much when I was younger (and still does at times). I wasn't afraid of dying but I was afraid of death and having to go "heaven" which in my visions was a white, endless, eternal void. It took me an exceptionally long time to get over my phobia of eternity and I still deal with it at times. I guess this is where my approach starts to differs from most, I would have loved to for there to be no "creator" and all just be completely deterministic chemical happenings sprouting from a convoluted origin that didn't matter (and not had the philosophical inclination to explore even the ramifications of that).

I even used to pray to God, that upon my death he destroy my soul so I experience neither heaven nor hell regardless of if I had been the best servant of Christ the world had ever seen, just that I may finally escape existing, not because of dissatisfaction with previous experience but because the thought of experiencing eternity scared the pants off me. I just wanted to die, die forever. I thought maybe if there was no god I could just take my life now, but I could never shake my "belief" so I never went through with that obviously and am very happy I didn't.
If the Ra Material and all spiritual teachings and attitudes ever were just completely false I'd actually be pretty happy about it. And aside from all that, the important thing is we are human now and have the opportunity to embrace that, which I can't deny the Ra Material has helped me do.

This is how I know that my current approach to life is not a defence mechanism to the prospect of eventual death, as I was (and am) very willing to embrace death in the sense of "ceasing to be".

these days though I'm happy to live out the rest of my days, I don't want to leave this place any time soon. As for eternity, I try not to think about it lol