Suicide (selfish?)

[Jade]

It's just a set of experiences for the person and those around him, not any different than pretty much anything else. STS is still service, if the person can't handle his incarnation and does himself the service of ending it, it's still a service from the Creator to the Creator and also a catalyst for growth.

I think my mom hates me. It probably would be better on her if I weren't here to live with.

But I'm not suicidal. I just couldn't leave my dogs behind.

I like your post Minyatur.

Lately, Gem, I have been going through a lot of what you have - feeling hatred from a parent. My dad (and my aunt) have been on a campaign against me for a few years now and it ramped up the past few months. I didn't live with him, but his name was on the deed of the house we were renting (from my grandma) so he felt as if he had more control over me than he did. (They wanted to kick us out so they can sell the house for $$ so they bullied and threatened us incessantly until we left)

This is what I'm slowly trying to integrate and accept: They are mirroring the deepest part of our deepest hatred for ourselves. We all have demons we haven't forgiven ourselves for. Imagined or real, intentional or accident, we have done things that hurt others, and we are remorseful. They give us the opportunity to see those parts of ourselves that we need to grow to love more. When a parent or other family member is one's worst enemy, I think it is a deep and difficult lesson to learn in self-love. How can I love myself if the person who is supposed to love me most of all hates me? Ugh. For the first half of my life, it was my mother who was the more obvious offender, who treated me as if I were throw-away. Drugs were involved there too, drugs and pain, as with my dad and aunt - we have all these sick people who aren't adjusting properly to the frequency change and are acting out on the safest subjects available - people like you and me, who take an incessant amount of prodding to react. As a child and teenager (and up til today), I always felt like I was the family whipping-boy. I'm learning and accepting that I accepted that role to help transmute their pain, I was a vessel for their negative energy and while it was draining and difficult, I am none too worse for the wear for all I had to endure. In fact, I'm better.

Your mom doesn't really hate you. She probably hates herself, or at least her body complex that causes her pain. It wouldn't be better on her if you weren't around - even if for practical reasons, like money. In fact, that may be why she acts out a lot - she feels dependent on you and therefore needs to control you because she feels like without you she would lose control.

Good luck, friend! You are so beautiful and valuable to many. Our path is the humble one without a lot of glory and fame or even thanks, but we have to believe that our positive vibrations have infinite value in helping turn over the mess we have.