08-19-2010, 04:02 AM
I had an experience about 3 weeks ago that I meant to post about but never did, so my details are a bit forgotten. I was sitting on the edge of the bed talking to my girlfriend about something, I don't remember what, when suddenly each moment started connecting to each next moment in a very surreal way. The veil was coming down, and the illusion was about to cease to exist. I felt the urge to cry, but i knew if I did, it would reach a tipping point and the world would end right there and then. I wasn't ready for that, so I fought it off. I fought off the urge to cry so I would not loose the illusion. I wasn't ready to do that. I suppose the catalyst that set my off was that my dog died two days before, and it was my fault because she had gotten into some rat bait that I had put out. (nothing personal against rats, just rat poop) I felt really bad about my dogs death and my role, but I felt worse that I didn't feel bad enough, and I was ashamed of it.
This tipping point sensation was exactly the same as in my wanderer post here:
http://www.bring4th.org/forums/showthread.php?tid=594
I felt the urge to cry exactly in the same way as in that post. I was also feeling the same sort of "orchestrated" series of events about to occur. I knew exactly what was about to happen, and as beautiful and wonderful I knew it would be, I just couldn't bring myself to give up my life right then and there while sitting on the edge of the bed. I was afraid about it. I knew how to find the light, but you gotta go down in the dark hole first right after you cease to exist in the illusion. yikes. I had to stop thinking about it, wanting to cry,and especially before I started pondering the Divine choice, which I knew was coming. The dynamics of this question are very odd. You both know the question, and know the question not at the same time. You are always trying to answer it desperately. When you cant hear the question clearly, you say in your mind "what? pardon?!" then when you sort of hear the question, in your mind you say "I don't understand!", and when you finally hear the question you say "Please no! Please no! I don't know! I don't know!" and down the hole you go. At some point it flips, and you find yourself in the light with the perfect answer to the question, which is basically the essence of love.
I didn't want to do all that, but it was coming on spontaneously. I could barely control it. I barely stopped it. I know I'll have to do it again, but why today? After I got a hold of myself, I had some pretty neat insights about us wanderers and why we are here. Sadly, I don't remember them except that I knew I needed to stay right here and finish my work, which isn't done yet. I also had a realization that many, MANY STO wanderers are the soldiers fighting the wars of this density. Fighting a war doesn't sound very STO, but in this case it is. This density's m/b/s dream up the war, the wanderer fights the war to protect the native density m/b/s from being in the war they dreamed up. Kind of sick, but that's how it works more or less.
I'm fearful of this spontaneous enlightenment thing, this tipping point. Has anyone heard of that before? This is the 3rd time for me looking over the edge, and not jumping.
I wonder if this is how harvest will work.
This tipping point sensation was exactly the same as in my wanderer post here:
http://www.bring4th.org/forums/showthread.php?tid=594
I felt the urge to cry exactly in the same way as in that post. I was also feeling the same sort of "orchestrated" series of events about to occur. I knew exactly what was about to happen, and as beautiful and wonderful I knew it would be, I just couldn't bring myself to give up my life right then and there while sitting on the edge of the bed. I was afraid about it. I knew how to find the light, but you gotta go down in the dark hole first right after you cease to exist in the illusion. yikes. I had to stop thinking about it, wanting to cry,and especially before I started pondering the Divine choice, which I knew was coming. The dynamics of this question are very odd. You both know the question, and know the question not at the same time. You are always trying to answer it desperately. When you cant hear the question clearly, you say in your mind "what? pardon?!" then when you sort of hear the question, in your mind you say "I don't understand!", and when you finally hear the question you say "Please no! Please no! I don't know! I don't know!" and down the hole you go. At some point it flips, and you find yourself in the light with the perfect answer to the question, which is basically the essence of love.
I didn't want to do all that, but it was coming on spontaneously. I could barely control it. I barely stopped it. I know I'll have to do it again, but why today? After I got a hold of myself, I had some pretty neat insights about us wanderers and why we are here. Sadly, I don't remember them except that I knew I needed to stay right here and finish my work, which isn't done yet. I also had a realization that many, MANY STO wanderers are the soldiers fighting the wars of this density. Fighting a war doesn't sound very STO, but in this case it is. This density's m/b/s dream up the war, the wanderer fights the war to protect the native density m/b/s from being in the war they dreamed up. Kind of sick, but that's how it works more or less.
I'm fearful of this spontaneous enlightenment thing, this tipping point. Has anyone heard of that before? This is the 3rd time for me looking over the edge, and not jumping.
I wonder if this is how harvest will work.