08-24-2010, 10:42 AM
Ali, thank you very much for including the evolutionary anthropology perspective. I have learned some about this area, but I think you have studied it more deeply than I have. I'm glad that you bring that approach into this forum.
Shemaya, let's continue working this through.
I am through the worst of my multi-crisis. I just barely squeaked through the first major deadline, with a lot of help, and have less intense time pressure to get the next part done. This will likely mean that I could have time to continue the Enneagram essays this week or in the next week or two. Meanwhile, is there anything about that series (starting at post 8, if I remember right) which has rung a bell for you?
You have mentioned an uncomfortably hot and spicy experience on your plate. I am trying to identify just which ingredients might be present. This is some guesswork, educated though it may be, so please freely say what does or does not seem to apply to your situation.
Is there an assumption that when other people express displeasure and hurt, which they say is caused by you, that they are going through extremely intense suffering? It may be that they are merely peeved or annoyed in a way they themselves would acknowledge as petty, or minor. They may lack skillful self-control in communication, causing outbursts appropriate for a broken leg if they merely had a tiny bump. They may also accurately express a minor emotional state, which you, with great loving sensitivity, become highly concerned about... as service-to-self seeks to address and eliminate suffering whenever possible.
Perhaps it would be helpful to include some kind of clarifying question. "When you say you're unhappy about that, do you mean it makes your whole life miserable for years, or is it just a little annoyance right now?"
A further ingredient is the idea that the apparent unhappiness or suffering is caused by you, therefore your responsibility to heal by changing yourself. This is another one worth testing. "Did I hear you right that the reason you have to be sad and angry, to cry and scream and miss out on all your fun today, is that I did something bad and wrong and it hurt you? If so what could I do to make things right for you?"
So here are two possibilities of ineffective communication. Maybe they said things more forcefully than they realized. Maybe you took it hard when that wasn't what they wanted in the first place.
The next area you mention is that others' judgment or rejection of you feels to you that it's an accurate mirror of your own problems, or limitations. I think the starting point here would be to express your standards for yourself. "My purpose in life is to love, help, and serve others and never cause any pain. So if I failed to live up to that standard with you I'm so sorry and I want to make things right."
Can they acknowledge what you say about your own purposeful intentions?
Perhaps the condemnation is because they did not get a path to Easy Street paved in gold for them, not because they really expected something more from you personally. Perhaps they thought you should have been ruthless, or ruthlessly efficient without any consideration of loving harmony. Perhaps they assumed that you would know what they want without saying anything. Just what standard is it that they are using to judging you? What is the measurement of success?
Finally, if they really do hurt; it really does matter to them; they really do believe it's your fault; they compare your deeds to an ethical standard worthy of a life's devotion; and they say you fall short of all that: only then would you have what claims to be an accurate mirror of your own negativity.
We then need to see if that is an accurate mirror, or a distorted projection of their own issues or of other people and situations, rather than you.
In other words, they have something that really stinks but they claim it's fajitas. If it turns out there's no beef, chicken, steak, peppers, onions, guacamole, or salsa in there... just maybe it's NOT actually fajitas! They seem to claim that the stink is something wrong about you. Is that an accurate, fair condemnation?
Shemaya, let's continue working this through.
I am through the worst of my multi-crisis. I just barely squeaked through the first major deadline, with a lot of help, and have less intense time pressure to get the next part done. This will likely mean that I could have time to continue the Enneagram essays this week or in the next week or two. Meanwhile, is there anything about that series (starting at post 8, if I remember right) which has rung a bell for you?
You have mentioned an uncomfortably hot and spicy experience on your plate. I am trying to identify just which ingredients might be present. This is some guesswork, educated though it may be, so please freely say what does or does not seem to apply to your situation.
Is there an assumption that when other people express displeasure and hurt, which they say is caused by you, that they are going through extremely intense suffering? It may be that they are merely peeved or annoyed in a way they themselves would acknowledge as petty, or minor. They may lack skillful self-control in communication, causing outbursts appropriate for a broken leg if they merely had a tiny bump. They may also accurately express a minor emotional state, which you, with great loving sensitivity, become highly concerned about... as service-to-self seeks to address and eliminate suffering whenever possible.
Perhaps it would be helpful to include some kind of clarifying question. "When you say you're unhappy about that, do you mean it makes your whole life miserable for years, or is it just a little annoyance right now?"
A further ingredient is the idea that the apparent unhappiness or suffering is caused by you, therefore your responsibility to heal by changing yourself. This is another one worth testing. "Did I hear you right that the reason you have to be sad and angry, to cry and scream and miss out on all your fun today, is that I did something bad and wrong and it hurt you? If so what could I do to make things right for you?"
So here are two possibilities of ineffective communication. Maybe they said things more forcefully than they realized. Maybe you took it hard when that wasn't what they wanted in the first place.
The next area you mention is that others' judgment or rejection of you feels to you that it's an accurate mirror of your own problems, or limitations. I think the starting point here would be to express your standards for yourself. "My purpose in life is to love, help, and serve others and never cause any pain. So if I failed to live up to that standard with you I'm so sorry and I want to make things right."
Can they acknowledge what you say about your own purposeful intentions?
Perhaps the condemnation is because they did not get a path to Easy Street paved in gold for them, not because they really expected something more from you personally. Perhaps they thought you should have been ruthless, or ruthlessly efficient without any consideration of loving harmony. Perhaps they assumed that you would know what they want without saying anything. Just what standard is it that they are using to judging you? What is the measurement of success?
Finally, if they really do hurt; it really does matter to them; they really do believe it's your fault; they compare your deeds to an ethical standard worthy of a life's devotion; and they say you fall short of all that: only then would you have what claims to be an accurate mirror of your own negativity.
We then need to see if that is an accurate mirror, or a distorted projection of their own issues or of other people and situations, rather than you.
In other words, they have something that really stinks but they claim it's fajitas. If it turns out there's no beef, chicken, steak, peppers, onions, guacamole, or salsa in there... just maybe it's NOT actually fajitas! They seem to claim that the stink is something wrong about you. Is that an accurate, fair condemnation?