Self-esteem / Confidence

[Shemaya]

Shemaya, let's continue working this through.

I am through the worst of my multi-crisis. I just barely squeaked through the first major deadline, with a lot of help, and have less intense time pressure to get the next part done. This will likely mean that I could have time to continue the Enneagram essays this week or in the next week or two. Meanwhile, is there anything about that series (starting at post 8, if I remember right) which has rung a bell for you?

Glad to hear that you are getting through
I have not fully read the enneagram thread...I will try to look at that soon.

Is there an assumption that when other people express displeasure and hurt, which they say is caused by you, that they are going through extremely intense suffering?

I think in the context of relationship, we are working through red , orange , and yellow ray blockages and the multitudinous ways that those blockages manifest. In some ways there seems to be a perfect opposition ie. the other's need to control abuts my unwillingness and reaction to being controlled. So on the one hand I may be the cause because I am not "falling into line" so to speak, but on the other hand, that energy exchange is not green ray...which is what I am going for. I do believe the need to control has its root in deep suffering.

A further ingredient is the idea that the apparent unhappiness or suffering is caused by you, therefore your responsibility to heal by changing yourself.

The suffering at it's root is not caused by me, but still I have the responsibility to heal and "crystallize" and choose STO, day by day and moment by moment.
That being said...there seems to be some projection and transference of issues back and forth.

The next area you mention is that others' judgment or rejection of you feels to you that it's an accurate mirror of your own problems, or limitations. I think the starting point here would be to express your standards for yourself. "My purpose in life is to love, help, and serve others and never cause any pain. So if I failed to live up to that standard with you I'm so sorry and I want to make things right."

What a nice way to apologize :o)

I'm not sure that it's an accurate mirror, probably more like a fun-house mirror. Are we not all mirrors of each other? I use all the opportunities given to go inward, and find my own truth, because that is where I will really find the truth since the mirror is inaccurate and distorted.

Part of the problem is that there is a level of contentment and complacency in half of the equation, if everything is so much better than what you grew up with, why strive for better? What is the purpose when this is as good as it gets?

There is an element of my process that I am still coming into, full self-acceptance and self-love, complete compassion for my self, accepting my limitations and striving to radiate brighter at the same time. A paradox in a way.

Full self-acceptance includes acceptance of the fact that you react strongly to non-acceptance by others. Not easy to do, but very healing.

Thank you B....very good point :o)