Last semester I made the decision to switch concentrations in my major so that I would qualify to study in London this semester. I was in acting, but I switched to theatre so I could still act but I work progress with other talents/passions, such as writing and directing. The other reason was so I could travel spend the semester with this girl I really like.
We had gotten to know each other only a little bit. I worked back stage for one of her musicals and she worked backstage for one of my plays. We really click together naturally, so much so that I want"ed" to marry this girl. I actually had it in the back of my mind to propose while we were overseas. While we were there, we got more comfortable around each other. She got to see what I was like in the classroom, not so nervous and all. Things were really looking good. They really were. But, it was one of those courting things where we were taking baby steps just to make sure. Me, having OCD, and already being sure that I wanted to be with this girl, I guess, got a bit frustrated that she wasn't on the same page/ not being as direct as I would have liked to have been with her. I got drunk one night to cope with the slow progress, blacked-out, and apparently started yelling in my flat at 1 in the morning. The GC's or Ra's as you might know them, came up and escorted me from the room. The next day, I was kicked out of the program. I am now back in the US, away from her. I never got to tell her how I truly feel.
Now, I learned from this experience. I'm not drinking anymore, and it truly opened my eyes to the necessity of having to be responsible, getting a job and occupying my time so nothing like that would happen again.
I guess the point of this post is that I fear I demonstrated that I can't make right decisions, and that I ruined anything we could have had because of it. I'm getting counseling and I've already met a few new good friends since I've been back. One of them being a girl whom I'm about to go have dinner with. But even though I'm most likely going to be spending a lot of my time with this girl I just met till I go back to school, the one I left in London is still in my mind. I know in my heart that she's the one. Even in London, we would 'coincidentally' meet/see each other in places outside of the study centre without any reservation of meeting each other. When one of my flat mates said, don't worry, I have a feeling you'll have better luck tomorrow, I woke up and went to the park, and she and her friend were there! So I talked to them for a minute and it was great. Whenever something good happened in a day with her, I saw her again, unexpectedly. I took it as proof that the universe was bringing us together.
But now I'm in the states, and for good reason, I trust. I know I'm here to get better, probably to develop an attitude/sense of responsibility that is more suited for her. But my problem is my worrying. When I'm alone, I think about her. What could have been. Will she read the letter I sent before I left confessing my feelings for her? Will she take it to heart? Will she tear it up without even reading? What if telling her in a letter how I feel was the wrong thing to do? Stupid worrying, because I can't do anything about it.
I'll see her next semester, but, what if she forgets the rapport we were building? Disregards it? Moves on? I feel, truly, that she is the one. But I could just be obsessed! And I know I could never force her into anything. It's just...anxiety in my heart. Knowing that if I were already a better person, we could be in class right now. Laughing and playing. Talking and learning. But I messed it up.
So I'm trying to forget. I'm trying to let the universe do its thing, 'cause if it's meant to be, then it'll work out, ya?
We had gotten to know each other only a little bit. I worked back stage for one of her musicals and she worked backstage for one of my plays. We really click together naturally, so much so that I want"ed" to marry this girl. I actually had it in the back of my mind to propose while we were overseas. While we were there, we got more comfortable around each other. She got to see what I was like in the classroom, not so nervous and all. Things were really looking good. They really were. But, it was one of those courting things where we were taking baby steps just to make sure. Me, having OCD, and already being sure that I wanted to be with this girl, I guess, got a bit frustrated that she wasn't on the same page/ not being as direct as I would have liked to have been with her. I got drunk one night to cope with the slow progress, blacked-out, and apparently started yelling in my flat at 1 in the morning. The GC's or Ra's as you might know them, came up and escorted me from the room. The next day, I was kicked out of the program. I am now back in the US, away from her. I never got to tell her how I truly feel.
Now, I learned from this experience. I'm not drinking anymore, and it truly opened my eyes to the necessity of having to be responsible, getting a job and occupying my time so nothing like that would happen again.
I guess the point of this post is that I fear I demonstrated that I can't make right decisions, and that I ruined anything we could have had because of it. I'm getting counseling and I've already met a few new good friends since I've been back. One of them being a girl whom I'm about to go have dinner with. But even though I'm most likely going to be spending a lot of my time with this girl I just met till I go back to school, the one I left in London is still in my mind. I know in my heart that she's the one. Even in London, we would 'coincidentally' meet/see each other in places outside of the study centre without any reservation of meeting each other. When one of my flat mates said, don't worry, I have a feeling you'll have better luck tomorrow, I woke up and went to the park, and she and her friend were there! So I talked to them for a minute and it was great. Whenever something good happened in a day with her, I saw her again, unexpectedly. I took it as proof that the universe was bringing us together.
But now I'm in the states, and for good reason, I trust. I know I'm here to get better, probably to develop an attitude/sense of responsibility that is more suited for her. But my problem is my worrying. When I'm alone, I think about her. What could have been. Will she read the letter I sent before I left confessing my feelings for her? Will she take it to heart? Will she tear it up without even reading? What if telling her in a letter how I feel was the wrong thing to do? Stupid worrying, because I can't do anything about it.
I'll see her next semester, but, what if she forgets the rapport we were building? Disregards it? Moves on? I feel, truly, that she is the one. But I could just be obsessed! And I know I could never force her into anything. It's just...anxiety in my heart. Knowing that if I were already a better person, we could be in class right now. Laughing and playing. Talking and learning. But I messed it up.
So I'm trying to forget. I'm trying to let the universe do its thing, 'cause if it's meant to be, then it'll work out, ya?