10-19-2010, 05:46 AM
What does loving someone unconditionally mean to you? If it means they can do no wrong and all they do is fine with you, then I think I understand the nature of your troubles.
Unconditional love is not the same as being without criticism in a relationship. When you show someone unconditional love, this means the willingness to accept a person and treat them well.. But not the willingness to accept all behavior from that person. Anyone is going to look at their partner instinctively and evaluate what level he or she's working from. Are you kind but firm? If you are, you're a safe partner who will be good with the world, with kids and good with her. You'll be exiting and an adventure, the unknown is present. If you're kind but uncritical. You're not a safe partner, because your boundaries are not clearly defined. They seem nonexistent. You won't be good with kids and the world because they need those boundaries, also if she misbehaves you won't be able to contain her either. And as far as excitement adventure and really wild things are concerned. She'll likely have to introduce them to have them happen at all.
I know I instinctively seek in a relationship a person who is going to kick my ass real hard if I misbehave in a really bad way. It doesn't mean I will misbehave if she doesn't, it just means I won't respect her on that animalistic level which also is the level that defines sexual attraction. I have lost interest in partners who were "too easy". And I've stuck to the point of damaging myself with partners who were "too hard"... This is an instinctual response that evolved into our behavior. In prehistory the hard partners were most likely to save your hide and your kids hides. As a mammal you want to have the confidence that your partner is going to club that sabertooth to death while you're out, and not run off and leave the kid to fend for itself. This complicates how we can express unconditional love. We have to balance it with firmness.
So communicate your ability in that area. You don't have to be a caveman. We're better than that these days and I don't think any woman (worth dating) likes a primitive uncultured brute. Just demonstrate early on and with reminders that you're able to be this when needed so she instinctively knows she can rely on you, this will make her feel safe and deepen her attraction. Otherwise she will likely interpret your kindness and compassion as weakness.
This one girl I knew fell in love with her martial arts instructor. He was big, muscular, and in class screaming all the time, but kind to everyone who approached him. Nice guy truly. When she started dating him she discovered he was uncritical towards her, he treated her like a queen all the time.. Which was not what she had fallen in love with. She lost interest in about two weeks. This guy could kick ass in epic proportions. But he failed to demonstrate it to her inside their relationship. And even though she consciously knew he could literally kick ass, and he really really could, she ended up disrespecting him, she even called him weak. If he had screamed at her once like during class she would have been offended but also stuck around a lot longer. This isn't a weird girl. She was in university with dreams of becoming a Judge. She just responded naturally.
Maybe these women weren't ready for you, maybe you were not ready for them. I know this can sound weird and counter intuitive when you first hear about it. But unconditional love is instinctively mistaken for weakness unless you also express firmness.
Unconditional love is not the same as being without criticism in a relationship. When you show someone unconditional love, this means the willingness to accept a person and treat them well.. But not the willingness to accept all behavior from that person. Anyone is going to look at their partner instinctively and evaluate what level he or she's working from. Are you kind but firm? If you are, you're a safe partner who will be good with the world, with kids and good with her. You'll be exiting and an adventure, the unknown is present. If you're kind but uncritical. You're not a safe partner, because your boundaries are not clearly defined. They seem nonexistent. You won't be good with kids and the world because they need those boundaries, also if she misbehaves you won't be able to contain her either. And as far as excitement adventure and really wild things are concerned. She'll likely have to introduce them to have them happen at all.
I know I instinctively seek in a relationship a person who is going to kick my ass real hard if I misbehave in a really bad way. It doesn't mean I will misbehave if she doesn't, it just means I won't respect her on that animalistic level which also is the level that defines sexual attraction. I have lost interest in partners who were "too easy". And I've stuck to the point of damaging myself with partners who were "too hard"... This is an instinctual response that evolved into our behavior. In prehistory the hard partners were most likely to save your hide and your kids hides. As a mammal you want to have the confidence that your partner is going to club that sabertooth to death while you're out, and not run off and leave the kid to fend for itself. This complicates how we can express unconditional love. We have to balance it with firmness.
So communicate your ability in that area. You don't have to be a caveman. We're better than that these days and I don't think any woman (worth dating) likes a primitive uncultured brute. Just demonstrate early on and with reminders that you're able to be this when needed so she instinctively knows she can rely on you, this will make her feel safe and deepen her attraction. Otherwise she will likely interpret your kindness and compassion as weakness.
This one girl I knew fell in love with her martial arts instructor. He was big, muscular, and in class screaming all the time, but kind to everyone who approached him. Nice guy truly. When she started dating him she discovered he was uncritical towards her, he treated her like a queen all the time.. Which was not what she had fallen in love with. She lost interest in about two weeks. This guy could kick ass in epic proportions. But he failed to demonstrate it to her inside their relationship. And even though she consciously knew he could literally kick ass, and he really really could, she ended up disrespecting him, she even called him weak. If he had screamed at her once like during class she would have been offended but also stuck around a lot longer. This isn't a weird girl. She was in university with dreams of becoming a Judge. She just responded naturally.
Maybe these women weren't ready for you, maybe you were not ready for them. I know this can sound weird and counter intuitive when you first hear about it. But unconditional love is instinctively mistaken for weakness unless you also express firmness.