Trouble with my romantic relationships

[Ali Quadir]

Women spend a lot of time in front of a mirror using various products most of which I don't even know the name of Think about it, this isn't much different.

Generalization... I am not like that and most of me female freinds neither. On the contrary you should see some of the guys here, with plucked eyebrows and gelled hair and smelling like they just dropped a whole bottle of perfume over their body... I am sure they spend double my time in the bathroom

Well seems like emancipation is going well there.. You must be living in a unique area because in global spending on beauty products women still beat men a few times over.

Dropping a bottle of perfume over your body isn't a good thing though eaw

the times are changing and gender roles are, too.

True... But are genders changing?

Ali, why do you feel the need to mock her? At a first date? ??

When you go out with friends, are you formal? Or are you and your friends engaging in games and jokes? Me and my friends we're always fooling around calling each other names. I thought all friends were like that.

It's a good way to get to know someone. To draw them out. See what they are like. If they respond either by laughing or hitting you right back then you found a good potential mate. But also to show yourself as you will be if you become friends or lovers. What you see is really what you get.

The alternative is a 2 hour questionary over dinner. Or holding a strangers hand at the cinema. And you come home thinking well he must be a good match for me because he's got a good job, nice manners and good family background and judging from the place he took me good financial stability. While you should be thinking only: "That was so much fun!"

A good natured mocking is the best way to get to the actual people inside their formal shells. You suggested you want your men to be themselves.. Then the quickest ways to drop the formalities would be best, right?

I'm definately not going out there to make my date or anyone feel miserable Meerie. What is the point of that?

In my experience guys who do that usually do it to deflect attention from themselves. From their own low-self- esteem. They laugh about someone else in order to feel superior to that person. Especially since many men deep down are afraid of females and their power, this is their way of dealing with them, by belittling them.

You use the word belittle. Mocking isn't the same as belittling. Also it seems to me that high self esteem people actually mock each other more than low self esteem people. This isn't a sign of low self respect, it's a sign of a playful confident attitude.

What you're referring to, the belittling, is a totally different behavior. Perhaps next time someone belittles you you should ask yourself is this person maybe testing me? Seeing if I'm good dating material? In holland there's a saying "Teasing a girl is asking for a kiss"

Females and their power? Come now, that's just sexist! There is no inherent power in our gender. You're not powerful just because you're a man or a woman.

There is a thin line between mocking and being disrespectful, especially if you do not know that person well enough, like at the beginning of a relationship. Therefore I would not recommend that behavior when meeting someone new.

We're not speaking here about meeting someone random. We're meeting a potential mate for life. What are you going to do? Engage in a formal relationship, have a good talk. And always stay there? Or hang on that level for a while, hiding your agenda, and then suddenly breaking the contract by becoming someone else? Best to be yourself and clear about your intent from the get go.

Ali I also sense some kind of will to dominate, like you want to decide the direction of the date, like you want to decide for her as well.

Someone has to take responsibility for the date. We either sit there waiting for each other. Politely speaking about jobs waiting for the other to make a move. Or someone takes control. Now it's perfectly fine for a woman to take control. But if she isn't going to, and lets be honest most don't. Then the guy has to do it, or the date will simply not be fun, there is no third party. So as a guy, we should either take responsibility, or whine that women don't do that.

So yes I do want to decide the direction of the date. But that I want to decide for her as well, that bit you're imagining. You can see it as an optional program. An enjoyable default to deviate from whenever people feel like it. But since it's also considered to be an attractive trait, it's good to show that it's there.

To me it is preferable to show up with an answer to the question what shall we do? It doesn't mean that's what's going to happen. But at least you're taking responsibility. The woman should ideally do this too. It's about mastering life. Getting the most out of your experiences.

I believe in equality, but I also believe in masculinity. I do have a strong sense of male pride. But I encourage everyone to be proud. I used to encourage only women and looked down on my own gender. Then I figured out the battle of the sexes is just BS. There is no battle, we literally evolved to be each other's perfect counterpart. We stand side by side, not facing off. My dislike of my own gender only resulted in a kind of self castration. I could not imagine being attractive because I was a guy. So I did not act like a guy. And I was consequently not treated like one by women. I was either a friend or the relationship was very short.