The Long Night

[The Traveler]

So this is my first post. I joined a while back but never felt compelled to post anything.

The Long Night - The Early Years.

I always felt like I was different than everyone else, like I saw and felt more than most. The earliest memory I have of being different was on an early morning back in 1996, I was 5 years old.
I was standing outside on the steps of our house overlooking the garden and pool. Our house was on a hill so looking over the houses below us out into the distance we were surrounded by
wheat fields and beyond them I could see the mountains with their peaks covered in snow. I remember looking at those snow covered mountains and having a feeling of wanting to go home,
like a yearning feeling. My family didn't move around a lot so I know it wasn't because of that.

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I have always been a very quiet and reserved person and very timid, I would observe others and wonder why they acted the way they did. A few years later and I'm in primary school
dealing with rude kids and feelings of depression. I was always so tolerant of people even when they were nasty to me, I would just take it and I don't know why I did that. Going back a few years
my first memory of me knowing I was gay (although I didn't see it that way back then) was at the age of 8 years old. I was paging through one of those TV magazines (I think it was the YOU Magazine)
and I arrived at the centerfold which was some guy laying on a couch (he was probably some actor/singer back then). For some reason I just liked the picture, I had no sexual feelings toward it but
I just liked it so I tore it out and put it in my cupboard.

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Jumping forward several years and I'm in high school (13 or 14 years old) and I'm struggling with why I like guys and on top of that I'm depressed because I know something is off regarding
my presence on this planet, I have no memory of past lives but just a feeling like I'm different or from elsewhere. It's nearing the end of high school and I feel worse, I have no clue what
I want to do when I leave school in fact, I do know but it's something I'll never be able to do. I have always loved science fiction, some of my memories are me begging my dad to allow me to
stay up and watch Crusader ( A Babylon 5 spin off series) which aired at 10 PM on Sunday's. So my greatest dream that I held even till now is, I've always wanted to explore space,
traveling on a beautiful starship. The stars have always
seemed more like home than this place. When I think about science fiction or space travel I get a sense of freedom, like I can go anywhere and be anyone, but its the freedom that I've always craved.

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I never had much of a childhood or should I say, I didn't have a happy childhood. I was so very sad and confused. I used to beat myself up over the fact that while I spent days and nights playing my
science fiction video games and reading up about metaphysical subjects, my friends and class mates where out having parties and fun. Regarding self image, I hated that most of the boys in my class
where growing up and getting beards and I was so young looking for my age. I only started growing facial hair at around 18 years old and it only really began to grow properly at around age 24.
It's as if I age slower than most people.

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Everything here and to follow in the next thread has been shortened as there is just too much to convey, our lives are very complex.

Part 2 will be more about the years after school and working life.
Feel free to ask questions or comment.