Is knowing still caring?

[rva_jeremy]

I have been reading the Law of One and I am now almost done with book 3.... lol I feel that since I have became aware of my polarization towards service to others that it has kinda hindered my ability to really feel this connection.... (Not really... I feel like the word hinder is reall a hyperbillous statement) lol.... but it has made me aware of it.... Now when I give someone money or food if they need it... I think to myself..... lol am I giving this to them because it comes from the kindness of my heart or am I doing it because it will help me polarize towards positive but then I think... does that help you polarize positive if you are doing it to polarize to positive? lol Paradox?!

Great timing, Mr. Warrior, sir.  I just read this passage the other day, fits perfectly with your query:

My brothers and sisters, we do not wish for you to be alarmed, fearing perhaps that we have chosen to embark upon lengthy philosophical discussions without reference to your present situation, for there is, as you might say, a method to our madness. The temptation exists to regard your efforts towards service as money placed within a bank, drawing sufficient interest to pay for a ticket out of this illusion when the harvest time arrives. My brothers and sisters, today is the day in which the rent comes due, as this instrument would say, for the attainment of your service could be regarded as compounded …

(Side one of tape ends.)

(L channeling)

I am Hatonn. I am with this instrument and we find your own instruments humorous.

The interest compounded upon your savings of service, so to speak, are not stored up, but rather returned to you instantly that you may use your gains to further your own efforts toward the development of your ability toward selfless service. Do not be disheartened that your efforts toward service seem tainted because of your awareness that your efforts result from a desire to improve yourself sufficiently to attain harvestability, for this process is within the order of the universe.

The interest gained is the establishment of a path which through habit will more and more smoothly and assuredly guide your efforts toward a selfless form of service. Have you noticed, my brothers and sisters, that although the initial acts of service to others may come with difficulty and only after lengthy forethought and argument with one’s more selfish nature, after a sufficient number of these experiences occur, you may suddenly realize that the path toward service to others, while still motivated by service to self, has become more easily acquired as your nature, your vibration, has been adjusted through your efforts toward an automatic choice or orientation toward service to others without tremendous amounts of lengthy forethought and planning.

For this reason, do not be disheartened by the selfishness which exists within all of us, for this characteristic being of negative or selfish polarization acts as a catalyst which results in selfless performance of service to others. We would encourage, therefore, all efforts toward service to others, however motivated, and would comfort those who find their own selfish nature disquieting.

Hatonn, Sept 20, 1981. All emphasis mine.

What you are describing in your question is not a problem so much an example of how all service has a catalytic component..  The contemplation you are doing is helping you understand yourself better, your motivations, your desire.  These cannot help but polarize you, either in the direction of seeing how your progress dovetails with others', or by showing you how you can fake positivity and thereby manipulate others.  But what it won't do is leave you in the morass of indifference, which is the key to making use of the catalyst.

The problem is always the lack of overview, the way we can look at our past and see one event as part of progression, but look at our present and see only an event without progression.  This is where faith comes in, so we can treat our present as part of continuum and have more patience and grace for ourselves, and make use of what is difficult instead of judging and characterizing ourselves by it based on the immediacy of something as fleeting as a single moment.