How to tune myself?

[Quan]

Hi there, this is my first post on the forum.

I'm a guy who's currently 32 years old and in a bit of trouble. Since I first came into this world I've been fairly egoistic minded but since I started realizing my mind at the age of 20 I tuned to a more positive spectrum. The big problem was that I also started taking drugs at that time; mostly cannabis, acid and amphetamines where the latter was the one that got stuck with me. I also started my path of meditation after I went on a vipassana course. The biggest problem I think is that of the amphetamines since I've had a bunch of experiences' after staying awake too long with negative forces really slaughtering me mentally, setting me in total fear and more. Since I haven't really grasped the nature of this until now there's a period of several years when I've occasionally been taking the drug and had a bunch of these, what they call, "psychosis'". One day I just decided that I can't take this fear anymore when I was on my second day awake, so I just kept, what it felt like, tunneling light out of me into total osmosis of my surrounding. In my mind I heard voices of people that seemed more and more baffled of how much light there was and even asking themself "if i was the devil". With tunneling and letting go of the light in equanimity I more and more started to free myself from fear in a really fascinating way. Hopefully the choice was right, it almost felt body wise that I entered into some kind of enlightened state.

What I think about now and what is a challenging thought is that I prematurely wasted some kind of large light stack that I planned to use somehow smarter and for greater reasons. Right now I am sober and not using amphetamines, no work, no contact with anyone except my parents and some kind of mix between love and fear when I'm by myself (established fear in my body once again after a week or so). When I meet someone, for example when I buy groceries, I can feel that they somehow manifest their self into my body or I feel what they feel. I don't know if it might be a good basis for compassion or if it's just a mind game that I can't isolate myself from. I do not feel hate.

My aspiration has been for at least 10 known years to be fully enlightened and out from that aspect be able to help people in that direction. I've done alot of stupid mistakes along the way but I'm teaching myself it seems. What I've realized is that I can't choose positive or negative polarization. After this realization I read in the introduction to Law of One that there is no polarization. This was some kind of confirmation. This doesn't mean that I highly polarize in some direction or the other. I try my best to just observe things as they manifest in my mind but I've noticed it makes me very vulnerable if I'm not constantly in meditation. Even when I am in meditation it comes with alot of suffering.

I hope this text explains my situation in an okey manner. It is written basically from how it appeared in my mind.
I would also like to mention that I do not remember anything about passed life's.

Do you have any tips for me how to go further without ruining my incarnation? I want to do the mission(s) I am here for and not wasting this fantastic opportunity.

Thanks for your time.

 Welcome to the forum, thankk for sharing and the honesty, no stage fright  

"What I think about now and what is a challenging thought is that I prematurely wasted some kind of large light stack that I planned to use somehow smarter and for greater reasons"
Nothing is wasted, all happens how it should for you to learn what you need.  Reading Law of One it goes a lot into this and how importantt  any experience is..eg pre incarnative planning. Once you finishh the books answers can be veryy helpfull in shining a different perspective.

"Law of One that there is no polarization"  This is true in the long run.. not in the third density tho which we are in focal point is choice service to self or service to others.

Biggest tip is move from this idea of having to do anything.. world of doing to world of being.
Law of One, these two passages I recommend if choice to service to others  is made

10.14 Questioner: For general development [of the] reader of this book, could you state some of the practices or exercises to perform to produce an acceleration toward the Law of One?

5.2 Questioner: We have decided to accept, if offered, the honor/duty of learning/teaching the healing process. I would ask as to the first step which we should accomplish in becoming effective healers.

These are suggestions from Law of One however whats most important is what feels right for you