09-06-2019, 09:14 AM
My story is way too long to tell here, was told years ago that I should write a book, but don't think that is the one in me, but I won't put labels, expectations or distortions on that, I'll let life be life.
The gist is, I was born the eldest child to two deeply wounded and mismatched parents, and a girl to boot. A back to the womb hypnotism meditation showed me what their behavior had told my soul my entire life, just by the act of being born a girl I was a failure, disappointment and pain bringer. I, literally, felt the agony my mother felt at my father's disappointment in my birth. They both had smiles but even the nurses felt how unwanted I was.
Every single bad, and good, decision, came from that painful place of knowing from birth I could never be good enough. The truth was for my parents I would never be worthy, never be enough, never be what they needed me to be, a male heir.
Stupidly, I spent decades of my life trying to prove I was, too, worthy. Overachieving, over-nurturing the family, overworking, yep. I have tons of great stories about how a high school dropout went from rural, no-opportunity rube, to six-figure making, working in a high rise executive - without a degree.
Lifelong cycle of digging my hole, working harder than most humans would even consider to get out and prove myself worthy, then eventually crashing, or blowing it up, and down I would fall again.
I would tell you what modern psychiatry says about my story, but I can't, I've been dismissed and fired by every single one I've gone to. See, they tell me I know my problems so they can't help me! And that is the story of our modern system of "experts," who actually know very little about that which they preach. Anyway...
My mother was seeking her own forgiveness and changed churches/denominations like most change their shoes. I was a declared Christian as a child, baptized 5 times and then after a discussion turned dismissal from the preacher, I declared God and Christ LIES at the age of 11.
Between the age of 11 and 45(ish) I thought myself a Scientific Atheist (prove it to me), but all along Spirit/Source/the invisible world was right there, guiding me, saving my arse, showing me signs, gifting me with situation saving mini-miracles, but I refused to see, or give credit.
Which led to my longest and most painful marriage to date (15 years) and the longest, deepest, depression I've ever faced (nearly 10 years) before finally deciding I had enough.
Being "smart" (actually a compulsive learner/reader/researcher with a strong memory, not exactly sure this makes me "smart") is so worthless if you are miserable and full of despair, if anything it is then a direct curse because I could see EXACTLY what I was doing but was completely unable to stop it.
I recently have been in a place where so much of my past is being shared with me, revisiting the original events that the pain and fear they generated had shattered me over and over and over, until my active memories were nothing more than actual events surrounded by revisionist and protective lies to keep me, my psyche, and my connection to my family, "safe."
The actual memories of times I've seen, heard, and physically felt Yeshua. For decades these events were clouded, cloaked, veiled, and changed. Yeshua literally saved my life three times as a child and multiple times as an adult, including once where I felt his hand stop me from plowing face-first into a dock while playing a drunken Frisbee game. I not only felt it, all those around me were dumbfounded by the situation. The quotes were, "...it looked like you hit a glass wall, and dropped, inches from the dock..." "...we thought we were going to the hospital, or worse, the morgue, and then you just dropped?!?..."
I told this story, but always as a joke, a "ain't life weird?" sort of thing.
Denial ain't just a river in Egypt. It is also a wall that completely stops your mind from revisiting your pain, even if that visit is the only thing that will EVER let the original horror go.
Four years into my awakening and the Lions Gate this year ushered in my faith.
Now I know the truth, it DID happen, and it WAS Yeshua.
Quantum physics IS the proof of a divine Creator/Creation.
I have walked on this planet at least twice before and my memories are real.
And, you can go from skeptical atheist to self-assured controller of your life in not much time at all.
My journey now leads me here. I am getting ready to step out of this box and into a new life, at this moment it seems more of a leap than I should take, but I know it is time.
If you made it this far, thanks.
I'm sending all of you love and light for your journey, it is nice to be around others that are seeing this world that I see.
The gist is, I was born the eldest child to two deeply wounded and mismatched parents, and a girl to boot. A back to the womb hypnotism meditation showed me what their behavior had told my soul my entire life, just by the act of being born a girl I was a failure, disappointment and pain bringer. I, literally, felt the agony my mother felt at my father's disappointment in my birth. They both had smiles but even the nurses felt how unwanted I was.
Every single bad, and good, decision, came from that painful place of knowing from birth I could never be good enough. The truth was for my parents I would never be worthy, never be enough, never be what they needed me to be, a male heir.
Stupidly, I spent decades of my life trying to prove I was, too, worthy. Overachieving, over-nurturing the family, overworking, yep. I have tons of great stories about how a high school dropout went from rural, no-opportunity rube, to six-figure making, working in a high rise executive - without a degree.
Lifelong cycle of digging my hole, working harder than most humans would even consider to get out and prove myself worthy, then eventually crashing, or blowing it up, and down I would fall again.
I would tell you what modern psychiatry says about my story, but I can't, I've been dismissed and fired by every single one I've gone to. See, they tell me I know my problems so they can't help me! And that is the story of our modern system of "experts," who actually know very little about that which they preach. Anyway...
My mother was seeking her own forgiveness and changed churches/denominations like most change their shoes. I was a declared Christian as a child, baptized 5 times and then after a discussion turned dismissal from the preacher, I declared God and Christ LIES at the age of 11.
Between the age of 11 and 45(ish) I thought myself a Scientific Atheist (prove it to me), but all along Spirit/Source/the invisible world was right there, guiding me, saving my arse, showing me signs, gifting me with situation saving mini-miracles, but I refused to see, or give credit.
Which led to my longest and most painful marriage to date (15 years) and the longest, deepest, depression I've ever faced (nearly 10 years) before finally deciding I had enough.
Being "smart" (actually a compulsive learner/reader/researcher with a strong memory, not exactly sure this makes me "smart") is so worthless if you are miserable and full of despair, if anything it is then a direct curse because I could see EXACTLY what I was doing but was completely unable to stop it.
I recently have been in a place where so much of my past is being shared with me, revisiting the original events that the pain and fear they generated had shattered me over and over and over, until my active memories were nothing more than actual events surrounded by revisionist and protective lies to keep me, my psyche, and my connection to my family, "safe."
The actual memories of times I've seen, heard, and physically felt Yeshua. For decades these events were clouded, cloaked, veiled, and changed. Yeshua literally saved my life three times as a child and multiple times as an adult, including once where I felt his hand stop me from plowing face-first into a dock while playing a drunken Frisbee game. I not only felt it, all those around me were dumbfounded by the situation. The quotes were, "...it looked like you hit a glass wall, and dropped, inches from the dock..." "...we thought we were going to the hospital, or worse, the morgue, and then you just dropped?!?..."
I told this story, but always as a joke, a "ain't life weird?" sort of thing.
Denial ain't just a river in Egypt. It is also a wall that completely stops your mind from revisiting your pain, even if that visit is the only thing that will EVER let the original horror go.
Four years into my awakening and the Lions Gate this year ushered in my faith.
Now I know the truth, it DID happen, and it WAS Yeshua.
Quantum physics IS the proof of a divine Creator/Creation.
I have walked on this planet at least twice before and my memories are real.
And, you can go from skeptical atheist to self-assured controller of your life in not much time at all.
My journey now leads me here. I am getting ready to step out of this box and into a new life, at this moment it seems more of a leap than I should take, but I know it is time.
If you made it this far, thanks.
I'm sending all of you love and light for your journey, it is nice to be around others that are seeing this world that I see.
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