I need someone to talk to

[NeoIcebreaker]

I'm not sure if I want to do this but I don't have anyone to talk to. I have no friends because I am a very shy person and it takes a lot for me to put myself out there and to make myself vulnerable for I have been dealing with alot of painful issues here these past 15 years, but more so in these last couple of months. I don't usually share anything with others but I see a lot of love on this forum and I feel I'm in the right place to pour my being out and not be judged. 15 years ago when my youngest brother was born my mother started talking about very strange things. She said she heard demons and people looking at her through the mirror. All I saw was my mom screaming at people or things that wern't there. We took her to doctors but nobody could say what was wrong or was able to help. She would recieve meds but when she got home she threw them away. I wanted to help her so bad, but I didn't know what was wrong I just saw pain and sorrow. I would hear her screaming in the middle of the night and I would cry in my pillow and ask god for help but I saw no changes and I questioned god for the longest time. I didn't want to stop believing and I never have stopped, but it was hard. This went on for years in the same cycle. She would go off and we would take her to the doctor, they would give her pills, she would get better for a short while and then throw away the meds, and then we were back where we started. Going to the doctor was expensive and I don't know how she did it but when she was out in public she would be just fine, I loved those moments when my mom would show happiness and smile but as soon as we got back home it was the same screaming and talk of demons and witches. That went on for a while until the stories of demons turned to stories of parasites and how they were eating at her. My father bless his soul never once left her but stayed there at her side and I respect him very much for that. In november it finally got to the point that she was breaking dishes and screaming at the walls, so we took her to the crisis center but some how that escapes my logic she would act normal in front of the doctors and they said that unless they saw that she was a danger to herself or others they could not help us. She left after that to a place that she won't say where. God bless her, she would say when I was younger that voices in her head would to do bad things but by the strength of her will she would not do it and even though I would say things about her under my breath I love my mother for having the love to not do what the voices told her to do. I barely talk to my mom now but not by choice. I realize she is still dealing with the pain but she is in a new location, with a job, and she says she is making friends so I'm hopeing by gods will she will find peace and not be tortured any longer. I must say though that this isn't over and I know that I will see her face once more. The one thing that kept me going was my search for truth and how god loves us. I remember when I read the Urantia book paper 1 and I read about gods love that I broke down in tears because it wasn't told to me that way. I havn't read that book in 5 years. The things I read from the Ra transcripts and the words I have read from those on this forum here lately have really touched me and have had me asking questions about how there is a reason for everything even pain and suffering and of Unity and how we are all one being. I still don't know enough in my opinion to know fully why I was put on this earth or why I have the family that I have but I feel I can understand the pain of those in simular situations. I'm going to school to learn psychology but I'm not sure what is to occur in 2012 but if nothing happens, then I will be there to help those in mental and emotional pain and if we all go in an instant due to harvest...well I don't know much about harvest and graduation but I know I've made my choice about being STO. I'm sorry if this isn't a good place to be doing this but I thought that I just have to get this off my chest and I wanted for it to be with those who are feeled with love and who will not judge me or my family. I have learned so much from you all and because of you all, I now know what gods love is. He has shown me by using you all as an example. Because I have witnessed that love I will carry it with me always and I will share it with those I hope to help in the future. Thank you for being you and thank god for working in mysterious ways, and for leading me to where I'm at today. I now understand that god has never left my side but has been behind me waiting for me to turn around. (I don't know why I put it like that but it sounds right). I feel much better now.

Thank you and God Bless