11-28-2009, 11:26 PM
(11-28-2009, 05:31 PM)ayadew Wrote: I would wish to resolve this issue with her, but if she does not wish it, I don't want to force it.
Ayadew, I can relate to this question from both perspectives. I've been on both sides of this dilemma!
A few years ago, an ex-coworker wanted to be my friend, but wouldn't accept me for who I was. It really bothered her that I chose a certain lifestyle (such as being a vegetarian, etc.) which she didn't agree with. I did my best to never judge her for her own choices, but maybe I wasn't successful, or maybe she had her own issues, whatever...at any rate, I finally got tired of having to defend my own choices about something as personal as diet! I told her I accepted her for who she was, and asked her to please accept me, "I'm ok you're ok" ya know? But she wouldn't quit, so finally I made a conscious decision to terminate our email correspondence (which is all it was, anyway! Not really much of a friendship, actually, as we no longer saw each other in person since I had left that job). I explained this to her as lovingly as I could...I told her that I had no interest in being challenged on my personal lifestyle choices and that my life was not up for debate! I also told her that if she could accept me and not judge me, I would be fine with being friends.
Well, she refused. She continued to jab at me about things that were really none of her business (such as my new business, more on diet, etc.). I could only conclude that she was jealous of me. Though she had financial wealth and I didn't, I had many other things in my life that she didn't.
I had immense regret at the way things worked out. I always prefer to have open communication with people, and I prefer to get our differences resolved so we can coexist. Like you, I prefer reconciliation and understanding over a severance of the relationship.
But, since I had tried that to no avail, there was just no way to accomplish it alone!
This situation was different from yours in that I was the one seeking communication, but when she refused, I felt I had no other recourse but to put an end to the harassment. In your case, it might even be more difficult, since your 'friend' not only refused communication and your efforts at reconciliation, but then shut the door completely without an explanation.
Your situation is more like the other one I experienced, from the opposite side of the fence.
Another person whom I had thought was a friend (though not a close friend), terminated our 'friendship' with no explanation. Her son was my son's best friend, and we had very different parenting styles. There were several incidents in which she got upset about something I did. For example, we gave Christmas gifts to her son, not realizing that they frowned upon Christmas gifts. In another instance, her son, who was already an adult by that time (I think he was 19 or so...had just come home from college for the summer) made a decision to go someplace with my son, and the mother got angry at me for not telling her. I didn't think it was my responsibility, since the son was already an adult! Anyway, it was one of several instances in which I tried to communicate but my attempts were rejected.
In both of these cases, I concluded that my 'friend' was jealous of me in some way. In the former case, for my marriage, child, and lifestyle, and in the latter case, for having a son who was somewhat close to me, while her own son wasn't close to her.
That's my attempt at psycho-analyzing, anyway!
In both cases, even though in one case I was the one terminating the 'friendship' and in the other case I was the one being rejected, I attempted communication but was rejected.
In both cases, there was nothing I could do but choose to love the person from afar. I left an open invitation in both cases.
I don't think changing who you are is the answer. In my case, should I have been expected to give up my convictions against eating meat, just so my 'friend' would feel more comfortable when we went out to lunch? I never admonished her for eating meat. I don't see why she felt she had the right to judge my own choice!
Now, if either of these friends had communicated something to me that they didn't like, then of course the thing to do would be to look in the mirror and see whether it had any merit or not.
I once had a co-worker tell me I was too preachy about vegetarianism. This was 30 years ago, when I was basically an evangelist for both spirituality and vegetarianism! She was absolutely right - I was horrid! She said I was cramming it down people's throats and I was mortified to realize how I was coming across!
In that case, I absolutely did change an aspect of my personality! And it made me a better person!
In the other 2 cases, though, how could I change anything if I didn't know what it was that was bothering them? And even if I did, unless it's something really obnoxious, why should I be expected to change?
My advice is:
Consider the aspects of your personality that your friend doesn't like. Look in the mirror and be honest with yourself. IF you conclude that you really would like to improve yourself in those areas, then by all means make that effort! Tell your friend thanks for the feedback, but ask her to please be patient, as people don't change habits overnight. Ask her to please accept you as you try to incorporate her suggestions.
However, if the disliked aspects are just a part of your personality, and not really anything all that dreadful, I don't see why you should have to change who you are just to please someone else. It's reasonable for, say, a husband and wife to expect some small changes as they learn to cohabit, but it's not reasonable to expect a casual friend to change core aspects of his/her personality.
My best friend is a very passionate, expressive person. She can sometimes be rather loud and sometimes has strong opinions, which some people are uncomfortable with. Her ex-husband was a very reserved man and couldn't handle her intensity. Well, these qualities are what make her special! Her ex-husband didn't appreciate her beauty or her specialness. She felt very stifled when she was with him. They are both much happier now that they are apart! But I can't help but feel that he was a bit uptight. Perhaps she mirrored to him some suppressed aspects of himself! By the same token, perhaps he taught her a bit about when it might be appropriate to reign in her enthusiasm a bit. For exampe, she has had to tone it down at times (like at work). But, overall lives her life as she chooses.
My advice is to rejoice at the unique, special person that you are. Invite others to accept you, with all your flaws, just as you accept them with all their flaws. At the same time, work on those areas of your personality that you feel might be improved, but do it because it's part of your own spiritual process, not to win her approval! I don't think we need ever feel that we must measure up to anyone else's expectations.
Those are my suggestions...if any of it resonates, great! If not, just discard.