04-11-2012, 03:14 AM
I tend to get a lot of messages in my dreams. About a six months ago I was trying out a very STS life philosophy but it didn't feel right and so I asked for guidance if I was on the right path before sleeping. I had a lucid dream where I am standing in front of a man and ask him if I'm on the right path. He doesn't answer. I know him somehow. I wakeup. I fall back asleep. Then the dream goes to non-lucid portion where it's nighttime and there is an earthquake. I'm on the 2nd floor of my apartment. I start running down the stairs when my the walls collapse and the stairs fall out from underneath me. I keep falling in darkness. But I keep falling for a good 15 seconds. I then wakeup before hitting anything.
Fast forward to about two months ago where I actively decide to pursue positivity (note I find the Law of One material soon thereafter). I have a dream where I'm walking around a city in bright daylight with a female I know from somewhere but can't place. Very lucid. I ask her if I'm on the right path. She smiles and tells me to look around and that I already know the answer. I look down the street and see a yellow school bus. A red building. Bright bright colors in my dream - brighter than a plasma tv. The day is gorgeous. I knew then I was on a brighter path.
Fast forward to today. I had a real life experience for a small opportunity for STO: I saw a homeless man who wasn't begging but sat there mumbling. Shoes torn. Nails dirty. I felt compassion and I went to my car nearby and got about $2 worth of change (I had no other cash). Bent down cause he was mumbling to himself with his eyes closed and didn't seem to notice me (mental health issues? maybe he was praying? drunk? I don't know) He opens his eyes and I'm leaning in and he's like "oh" and I give him the change along with a lollipop (I didn't have any other edibles). My female friend I was with waited by my car and commented that I hadn't noticed he was sitting outside the liquor store and was probably going to buy alcohol again. I told her we probably would do the same if we were in his situation.
I took a nap later on. I had a dream that I don't remember specifically but it was very much life my real life experience. I help a homeless person in need.
I wakeup.
I fall back asleep. Then I dream I'm walking by a tennis court and as I'm walking, the players ask me if I can pickup and throw back a ball that's beside me and outside the court. As I go to pick it up, I see another ball roll in front of me. I'm looking down so I look up. I see the players grinning and they start to lob more balls over to me and tell me to go fetch and return it to them. They are obviously playing with me. Toying with me. I got angry. I felt insulted. Humiliated. I wanted to throw the balls as far away from them as possible. I then wake up.
These two dreams mirror my life. I've always had a good bit of compassion. But I have a big ego. I feel insulted and humiliated often when disrespected and tend to lash out. Although a lot of work on my skills and abilities earlier on the STS-type path has made me superior to a lot of people in everyday social interactions so that I typically quickly assume the alpha or second in command beta male and don't get mistreated. However, that part of me is still there - the part that demands that others treat me with respect or I will destroy them.
It's easy for me for my heart to go out when my ego isn't threatened. I feel something in my heart area when I do these things. A literal warming of the heart (similar to a dull muscle ache from the area). But when faced with other entities that attempt to control me, I revert back to a STS type mindset where I want to dominate them...sigh.
Can anyone offer wisdom or guidance on how to conquer this aspect of my shadow self?
Lost,
Xise
p.s. I think in real life, I think if that happened with the tennis balls, I'm fairly sure I would force myself to act neutral or compassionate - I'm sure I wouldn't throw the balls further away. I would just leave. But I would still be angry. humiliated. Insulted. I pray that I'll have the love and wisdom to change this aspect of myself.
Fast forward to about two months ago where I actively decide to pursue positivity (note I find the Law of One material soon thereafter). I have a dream where I'm walking around a city in bright daylight with a female I know from somewhere but can't place. Very lucid. I ask her if I'm on the right path. She smiles and tells me to look around and that I already know the answer. I look down the street and see a yellow school bus. A red building. Bright bright colors in my dream - brighter than a plasma tv. The day is gorgeous. I knew then I was on a brighter path.
Fast forward to today. I had a real life experience for a small opportunity for STO: I saw a homeless man who wasn't begging but sat there mumbling. Shoes torn. Nails dirty. I felt compassion and I went to my car nearby and got about $2 worth of change (I had no other cash). Bent down cause he was mumbling to himself with his eyes closed and didn't seem to notice me (mental health issues? maybe he was praying? drunk? I don't know) He opens his eyes and I'm leaning in and he's like "oh" and I give him the change along with a lollipop (I didn't have any other edibles). My female friend I was with waited by my car and commented that I hadn't noticed he was sitting outside the liquor store and was probably going to buy alcohol again. I told her we probably would do the same if we were in his situation.
I took a nap later on. I had a dream that I don't remember specifically but it was very much life my real life experience. I help a homeless person in need.
I wakeup.
I fall back asleep. Then I dream I'm walking by a tennis court and as I'm walking, the players ask me if I can pickup and throw back a ball that's beside me and outside the court. As I go to pick it up, I see another ball roll in front of me. I'm looking down so I look up. I see the players grinning and they start to lob more balls over to me and tell me to go fetch and return it to them. They are obviously playing with me. Toying with me. I got angry. I felt insulted. Humiliated. I wanted to throw the balls as far away from them as possible. I then wake up.
These two dreams mirror my life. I've always had a good bit of compassion. But I have a big ego. I feel insulted and humiliated often when disrespected and tend to lash out. Although a lot of work on my skills and abilities earlier on the STS-type path has made me superior to a lot of people in everyday social interactions so that I typically quickly assume the alpha or second in command beta male and don't get mistreated. However, that part of me is still there - the part that demands that others treat me with respect or I will destroy them.
It's easy for me for my heart to go out when my ego isn't threatened. I feel something in my heart area when I do these things. A literal warming of the heart (similar to a dull muscle ache from the area). But when faced with other entities that attempt to control me, I revert back to a STS type mindset where I want to dominate them...sigh.
Can anyone offer wisdom or guidance on how to conquer this aspect of my shadow self?
Lost,
Xise
p.s. I think in real life, I think if that happened with the tennis balls, I'm fairly sure I would force myself to act neutral or compassionate - I'm sure I wouldn't throw the balls further away. I would just leave. But I would still be angry. humiliated. Insulted. I pray that I'll have the love and wisdom to change this aspect of myself.
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