01-05-2010, 06:26 PM
Warning: LONG RESPONSE!
Wow, I wasn’t expecting this post to become so involved!
A lot has happened for me spiritually in the past couple of weeks, and I find my perspectives ever changing. I’m up to book IV in the Ra Material, and every page I read opens up something in my brain. I’ve been taking in a lot on new information on all fronts as well as devoting more time to meditation and contemplation of the spiritual aspects of my life, and I feel some of the knot I’ve expressed in this post is slowly coming undone.
It seems like every day I start out with one knot or another. As soon as I get to work I feel agitated and hassled and irritable. It’s pretty much always been this way, but the difference is now I’m starting to learn WHAT, exactly, is forming that knot. I am able to observe my reactions and begin tracing the threads back to the core knot. I go from “Nobody here appreciates what I do.” to “Why does that bother me? Isn’t true service doing something without expecting anything in return?” then I realize… “I don’t truly appreciate myself. I’m not giving myself the credit I deserve and then I’m misdirecting my dissatisfaction onto the people around me.” Then, finally: “What might I do to resolve this issue?”
Another example is: “Everyone who comes through my line is an idiot.” This one is harder for me because quite a few of the people I have to deal with throughout the day DO behave in a discourteous manner. Basically I try to reverse the process here and think: “What could be making them act that way? Are they having a bad day? Are they insecure? Did someone treat them rudely as well?” then I start thinking “Is there any way I could be of service to this person?” I give the person a big smile and ask them how they’re doing and thank them for coming by. This usually causes their attitude to change quite dramatically. If they absolutely insist on behaving in a negative way I remind myself that I am not responsible for their actions and do not need to become connected to their negativity unless I choose to…that I have done my part and that in itself is service.
I have also tried to give myself some “time off.” My job isn’t exactly one where I can simply pick the days I want off, or call in, unless I’m ready to produce a doctor’s note. I don’t have many vacation days so I’ve had to come up with a new form of relaxation, accepting the fact that I can go to work and relax on the same day and there’s nothing wrong with that. I’ve set up a sacred space in my apartment and have made a daily routine of cleaning it and filling it with things that make me happy. When I get home I take a relaxing shower, play some music, then (at least in theory) I try to spend some time in my space, praying, meditating or just contemplating who I am and how awesome it is for me that I get to be here.
Going to Carla’s meditations has also helped a lot. I’ve always been a pretty solitary person and suddenly having a group of friends I can share with is amazing. It is also a great experience for my husband, and we have grown closer undertaking this spiritual work together.
I know this all seems off topic, but in my heart I find it is of utmost importance. Now that I am both actively trying to untangle all these knots that are coming into my line of sight and attempting to give myself the space and credit I need in order to be able to function sanely, I feel as if some of these urges are starting to smooth out into healthier expressions. I seem to have found a new, truer method of “surrender”, allowing myself simply to be, and I’m at least beginning to realize that I don’t have to be dominated in order to surrender to all the love that is available out there. By no means do I think I’m “cured” at this point, nor do I think this behavior needs to be stomped out of existence. I’m simply trying to get to the root of what it is and alter/transform it as needed.
Fairyfarmgirl, this cording theory is very interesting. I’ve had a lot of blatant negative encounters and have been quite proud of myself for learning to fend them off so well, but it seems like the ones who have decided to offer their own special breed of service could have been hitting me on a much subtler level that I wasn’t even aware of. So many things have clicked into place from the positing of this theory that it would simply take too long to write about it all here, but it makes a lot of sense. Thank you for making me aware of this possibility. It has certainly opened my eyes to a lot of new concepts. I think I might make a separate post about these thoughts.
Anyway, thank you SO MUCH, everyone, for all your opinions. I have been able to look at the situation from all angles with your help instead of just the things going around in my head, and I feel like this has helped me move just a bit farther along the path, a bit closer to unraveling that big knot. I feel like I’ve gotten to know myself better, and surprisingly, instead of downing myself, realizing possible errors has helped me grow closer to that which I am.
LOVE AND HUGGLES!
Wow, I wasn’t expecting this post to become so involved!
A lot has happened for me spiritually in the past couple of weeks, and I find my perspectives ever changing. I’m up to book IV in the Ra Material, and every page I read opens up something in my brain. I’ve been taking in a lot on new information on all fronts as well as devoting more time to meditation and contemplation of the spiritual aspects of my life, and I feel some of the knot I’ve expressed in this post is slowly coming undone.
It seems like every day I start out with one knot or another. As soon as I get to work I feel agitated and hassled and irritable. It’s pretty much always been this way, but the difference is now I’m starting to learn WHAT, exactly, is forming that knot. I am able to observe my reactions and begin tracing the threads back to the core knot. I go from “Nobody here appreciates what I do.” to “Why does that bother me? Isn’t true service doing something without expecting anything in return?” then I realize… “I don’t truly appreciate myself. I’m not giving myself the credit I deserve and then I’m misdirecting my dissatisfaction onto the people around me.” Then, finally: “What might I do to resolve this issue?”
Another example is: “Everyone who comes through my line is an idiot.” This one is harder for me because quite a few of the people I have to deal with throughout the day DO behave in a discourteous manner. Basically I try to reverse the process here and think: “What could be making them act that way? Are they having a bad day? Are they insecure? Did someone treat them rudely as well?” then I start thinking “Is there any way I could be of service to this person?” I give the person a big smile and ask them how they’re doing and thank them for coming by. This usually causes their attitude to change quite dramatically. If they absolutely insist on behaving in a negative way I remind myself that I am not responsible for their actions and do not need to become connected to their negativity unless I choose to…that I have done my part and that in itself is service.
I have also tried to give myself some “time off.” My job isn’t exactly one where I can simply pick the days I want off, or call in, unless I’m ready to produce a doctor’s note. I don’t have many vacation days so I’ve had to come up with a new form of relaxation, accepting the fact that I can go to work and relax on the same day and there’s nothing wrong with that. I’ve set up a sacred space in my apartment and have made a daily routine of cleaning it and filling it with things that make me happy. When I get home I take a relaxing shower, play some music, then (at least in theory) I try to spend some time in my space, praying, meditating or just contemplating who I am and how awesome it is for me that I get to be here.
Going to Carla’s meditations has also helped a lot. I’ve always been a pretty solitary person and suddenly having a group of friends I can share with is amazing. It is also a great experience for my husband, and we have grown closer undertaking this spiritual work together.
I know this all seems off topic, but in my heart I find it is of utmost importance. Now that I am both actively trying to untangle all these knots that are coming into my line of sight and attempting to give myself the space and credit I need in order to be able to function sanely, I feel as if some of these urges are starting to smooth out into healthier expressions. I seem to have found a new, truer method of “surrender”, allowing myself simply to be, and I’m at least beginning to realize that I don’t have to be dominated in order to surrender to all the love that is available out there. By no means do I think I’m “cured” at this point, nor do I think this behavior needs to be stomped out of existence. I’m simply trying to get to the root of what it is and alter/transform it as needed.
Fairyfarmgirl, this cording theory is very interesting. I’ve had a lot of blatant negative encounters and have been quite proud of myself for learning to fend them off so well, but it seems like the ones who have decided to offer their own special breed of service could have been hitting me on a much subtler level that I wasn’t even aware of. So many things have clicked into place from the positing of this theory that it would simply take too long to write about it all here, but it makes a lot of sense. Thank you for making me aware of this possibility. It has certainly opened my eyes to a lot of new concepts. I think I might make a separate post about these thoughts.
Anyway, thank you SO MUCH, everyone, for all your opinions. I have been able to look at the situation from all angles with your help instead of just the things going around in my head, and I feel like this has helped me move just a bit farther along the path, a bit closer to unraveling that big knot. I feel like I’ve gotten to know myself better, and surprisingly, instead of downing myself, realizing possible errors has helped me grow closer to that which I am.
LOVE AND HUGGLES!