01-06-2010, 06:43 PM
Thank you, everyone, for your thoughts.
Monica, I have thought the exact same thing…that perhaps in the past I was STS. I was reluctant to talk about that here, but seeing someone else bring it up makes it feel a little less weird in my head. One of the things that makes me think this is that I have an “ability” to pretty much bend weak willed people however I want. I discovered this around high school, when I was buried in the deepest state of negativity that I’ve experienced in this life. Not many people actually liked me, but I found myself able to get inside people’s heads and get them to do things without really even trying. A lot of people were actually scared of me…a 95 lb. girl in a school girl uniform. It seemed that I radiated some kind of energy that made people uneasy and I found myself easily dominating my groups of friends and even some of my teachers.
I have also wondered if all my being stuck on the topics of pain and enslavement stem from unconscious memories of my past. I’m even starting to wonder if my desire to be the submissive in sexual relationships is an attempt to balance whatever I may have done in the past…maybe I really lorded over people and engaged in all kinds of forbidden sex magic. I don’t know.
All I can say is that when I “saw the light” it felt like a trillion pounds had been lifted off of my shoulders. The sudden beauty of everything was astonishing. I had been holding on so hard to this big knot and when I finally let it go I found myself wondering why I had made it so difficult on myself in the first place. To think of where I may have ended up…I’m just really glad things happened the way they did. Obviously, I’ve put away my little “mind control” tricks, as I do not think they are appropriate tools for serving others.
Still, I the one thing that makes me doubt this theory is, since as far back as I can remember, I have possessed an overwhelming sense of compassion. At times it has faded into the background but it has always been there. I remember once when I was a little girl my dad set our old Christmas tree on fire and I started screaming because I didn’t want him to hurt the tree. I’ve never been able to bear seeing others suffer, even in movies or in books. If I’m watching a movie where there is torture or unabashed cruelty to any life form I will immediately leave the room. Even when I was so drowned in negativity I never actually wanted to consciously hurt anyone. If anything I usually thought I was helping.
This makes me wonder about the other theory…of being one of the few STO wanderers from that area. I suppose the overwhelming sense of negativity could have left an imprint on my psyche even if I did begin with positive objectives. The image of some spaceship full of baddies trailing me to “punish the deserter” comes into my head and makes me laugh. “Wait, what’s she doing now?!?…Eating a sandwich?!?! GASP! That traitor!!!” LOL. Finding the humor in these situations has been a tremendous aid to me.
Whatever the case, I am who I am now, and I am choosing to serve others. I completely agree with everyone that ultimately it is my responsibility to deal with this situation. I don’t have to allow presences, no matter where they come from, to tell me what to do or stop me from what I’m doing. I have been going to great lengths to learn how to ground, build shields of light and cleanse the energy around me. I have made substantial progress in this, and after finding my guides I feel much more protected. I know there are those who “have my back” if I but ask. Also, my husband is indeed a precious ally. He is completely aware of my situation and though he finds it hard to digest some of the deeper teachings I am going over he has assured me I have his support 100%. This is making me work extra hard on establishing boundaries because he has already started having a few visitors of his own and I don’t want my issues to leak onto him by association. We are working together to increase the web of love we have been so blessed to find in each other.
I guess my things is I really need to just relax. I get so stressed out about who I was before this life and where I’m going after it, but I think it would do me a lot of good to just live for the day and find the joy in each moment…this type of attitude would probably bring about many more joyous moments in the future.
Fairyfarm girl, the Anunnaki thread was very interesting. I have been given some “hints” from some of my nonphysical sources that I could be a “hybrid”…that I am a combination of reptilian and…I guess human…genetics. As I mentioned, I have always had a strong affinity for reptiles, especially snakes. The Serpent is my personal totem. Reading about all this stuff seems to stir some deep memory.
This kind of awakens a whole different theory of mine (I know, I have many), that perhaps I have these conflicting feelings of being on earth forever and being from somewhere else because both are true in this specific sense. If any of this stuff is true, perhaps I was the result of one of these “experiments.” It could certainly tie in with my seeming addiction to being dominated. Still…it is hard for me to swallow a lot of it, though I have been tossing around this theory for years.
My guides will not give me specifics, and I agree with them that specifics are not important and could in fact deter my spiritual quest (though I still get pouty because I have such a freakishly huge curiosity), but they have suggested that I have the opportunity of being a special type of catalyst. I potentially have the combined blood of two very different opposing races inside of me, and if I can unify them within myself, accepting both sides for what they are, I could help mend the rifts caused by so much abuse and confusion.
If this theory holds true, I have to say I am not ashamed of it at all. If I have reptilian blood, I am proud of it. If I have the blood of a zillion different aliens, good, bad, polka dot, whatever, I love it all and am intensely proud to be what I am and where I am. If the “reptiles” made me, I love them and thank them for the opportunity. I’m just suddenly having this rush of acceptance and love for everything…even as I type this, I am becoming more and more aware of the fact that no matter what specifics contribute to my DNA, I am so happy to be what I am and realize the great opportunities I have.
Looks like you popped another marble in the jar and now it’s overflowing. Marbles with smiley faces, going everywhere. Thanks! :-D
Monica, I have thought the exact same thing…that perhaps in the past I was STS. I was reluctant to talk about that here, but seeing someone else bring it up makes it feel a little less weird in my head. One of the things that makes me think this is that I have an “ability” to pretty much bend weak willed people however I want. I discovered this around high school, when I was buried in the deepest state of negativity that I’ve experienced in this life. Not many people actually liked me, but I found myself able to get inside people’s heads and get them to do things without really even trying. A lot of people were actually scared of me…a 95 lb. girl in a school girl uniform. It seemed that I radiated some kind of energy that made people uneasy and I found myself easily dominating my groups of friends and even some of my teachers.
I have also wondered if all my being stuck on the topics of pain and enslavement stem from unconscious memories of my past. I’m even starting to wonder if my desire to be the submissive in sexual relationships is an attempt to balance whatever I may have done in the past…maybe I really lorded over people and engaged in all kinds of forbidden sex magic. I don’t know.
All I can say is that when I “saw the light” it felt like a trillion pounds had been lifted off of my shoulders. The sudden beauty of everything was astonishing. I had been holding on so hard to this big knot and when I finally let it go I found myself wondering why I had made it so difficult on myself in the first place. To think of where I may have ended up…I’m just really glad things happened the way they did. Obviously, I’ve put away my little “mind control” tricks, as I do not think they are appropriate tools for serving others.
Still, I the one thing that makes me doubt this theory is, since as far back as I can remember, I have possessed an overwhelming sense of compassion. At times it has faded into the background but it has always been there. I remember once when I was a little girl my dad set our old Christmas tree on fire and I started screaming because I didn’t want him to hurt the tree. I’ve never been able to bear seeing others suffer, even in movies or in books. If I’m watching a movie where there is torture or unabashed cruelty to any life form I will immediately leave the room. Even when I was so drowned in negativity I never actually wanted to consciously hurt anyone. If anything I usually thought I was helping.
This makes me wonder about the other theory…of being one of the few STO wanderers from that area. I suppose the overwhelming sense of negativity could have left an imprint on my psyche even if I did begin with positive objectives. The image of some spaceship full of baddies trailing me to “punish the deserter” comes into my head and makes me laugh. “Wait, what’s she doing now?!?…Eating a sandwich?!?! GASP! That traitor!!!” LOL. Finding the humor in these situations has been a tremendous aid to me.
Whatever the case, I am who I am now, and I am choosing to serve others. I completely agree with everyone that ultimately it is my responsibility to deal with this situation. I don’t have to allow presences, no matter where they come from, to tell me what to do or stop me from what I’m doing. I have been going to great lengths to learn how to ground, build shields of light and cleanse the energy around me. I have made substantial progress in this, and after finding my guides I feel much more protected. I know there are those who “have my back” if I but ask. Also, my husband is indeed a precious ally. He is completely aware of my situation and though he finds it hard to digest some of the deeper teachings I am going over he has assured me I have his support 100%. This is making me work extra hard on establishing boundaries because he has already started having a few visitors of his own and I don’t want my issues to leak onto him by association. We are working together to increase the web of love we have been so blessed to find in each other.
I guess my things is I really need to just relax. I get so stressed out about who I was before this life and where I’m going after it, but I think it would do me a lot of good to just live for the day and find the joy in each moment…this type of attitude would probably bring about many more joyous moments in the future.
Fairyfarm girl, the Anunnaki thread was very interesting. I have been given some “hints” from some of my nonphysical sources that I could be a “hybrid”…that I am a combination of reptilian and…I guess human…genetics. As I mentioned, I have always had a strong affinity for reptiles, especially snakes. The Serpent is my personal totem. Reading about all this stuff seems to stir some deep memory.
This kind of awakens a whole different theory of mine (I know, I have many), that perhaps I have these conflicting feelings of being on earth forever and being from somewhere else because both are true in this specific sense. If any of this stuff is true, perhaps I was the result of one of these “experiments.” It could certainly tie in with my seeming addiction to being dominated. Still…it is hard for me to swallow a lot of it, though I have been tossing around this theory for years.
My guides will not give me specifics, and I agree with them that specifics are not important and could in fact deter my spiritual quest (though I still get pouty because I have such a freakishly huge curiosity), but they have suggested that I have the opportunity of being a special type of catalyst. I potentially have the combined blood of two very different opposing races inside of me, and if I can unify them within myself, accepting both sides for what they are, I could help mend the rifts caused by so much abuse and confusion.
If this theory holds true, I have to say I am not ashamed of it at all. If I have reptilian blood, I am proud of it. If I have the blood of a zillion different aliens, good, bad, polka dot, whatever, I love it all and am intensely proud to be what I am and where I am. If the “reptiles” made me, I love them and thank them for the opportunity. I’m just suddenly having this rush of acceptance and love for everything…even as I type this, I am becoming more and more aware of the fact that no matter what specifics contribute to my DNA, I am so happy to be what I am and realize the great opportunities I have.
Looks like you popped another marble in the jar and now it’s overflowing. Marbles with smiley faces, going everywhere. Thanks! :-D