02-05-2016, 10:18 AM
Prior to this thread, I made a thread about how I began becoming somewhat plagued with vivid murderous fantasies at times of people who wrong me.
That was months ago, the occurrence has persisted but since I've begun allowing them, rather than letting them occur then suppressing them part way in, I've decided to embrace them. The results.
It's exactly like the way the show Dexter from Showtime goes when he's being tailed by Sgt. Dokes, his need bleeds into on-the-spot murderous fantasies towards people who annoy or mistreat him, so, when people mistreat me in the daily grind, the on the spot desire to kill occurs, thankfully, I value life exponentially over death and murder.
The intensity of these 'fantasies' varies from chewing a person out for failing so miserably at doing their job, to various ways torturing and murdering, if not just straight up killing them and walking away 'making the world a better place.'
In the addendum of murder, I've discovered the feelings are charged from a desensitization to the value of life within Society.
The Absence of the Value of Life in America.
*Police Officers alone are screened for sociopathy, lack of empathy, taught to shoot first, utilizing their union to get by legal repercussions. This has been this way since 1992 and earlier. I was a baby when I was first exposed to police brutality when my parents called the Mesa police to report a fight at their apartment complex, and one of the people held a gun, then tossed it into the bush right in front of my window (as per my Mother's recalling). When the police showed up, my Dad opened the door to fill them in on what was happening, they rough-housed him to the ground, handcuffed and dragged him by his arms across the ground around the complex, threatened to harm my mother and told her to get his I.D and to get back in the apartment.
Fast forward to THIS DAY 23~ years later. Just this morning, a suicidal girl in Mesa was shot to death, covered on the local news station (which was somewhat surprising.) when she was a threat to herself and no one else.
*Murder is appreciated in the online video game industry, how many games are designed around murdering the competition, vs cooperating together? Not just this, murder is taught to be 'fun', and fun it is when you're playing a game. How that can reflect into reality, depends from person to person but when a guy plays GTA and can't distinguish such actions as unacceptable in reality, there is some worth in pointing out that there is a lack of education upon the Value of Life in that area where such crimes being related to violent video games occur.
*Killing is insinuated to be a natural part of life via subliminal messages across Hollywood. Stemming all the way back to the Lion King to literally every day News Stations. Murder is a natural part of life apparently. Spoiler Alert: It's Actually Not.
*Our Legal System condemns life to a life of walls, guards, and violent individuals, for taking a life, if not, taking life itself in the face of murder. Essentially, life is so meaningless, taking it is met with the removal of the taker. The ultimate hypocrisy.
*This is all just in regards to HUMAN life. Plant Life and Animal Life is essentially considered taboo, inciting 'tree-hugger, hippy' comments socially to negate the awareness of Life.
*Crystals, and elements like Fire, which exhibit scientifically determined the most basic signs of life (reproduction, consumption) aren't considered alive. Information posited such as from The Source Field Study which shows a way to prove plant life is at the least 'aware', are undermined socially, right from scientists skewing the results with improper methods, to a show called Mythbusters publicly discrediting the research 'collectively' (or 'nationally') through poorly performing the same experiment and calling it 'busted' when they don't get the same results. Sadly none of them paid attention to how 'their thoughts affect the way the plant's respond'.
*Of the animals which exhibit intelligence which we can measure (Dolphins, Species of Monkey/Gorilla/Orangutan, Pigs) are not considered intelligent life, a somewhat legally important definition.
So, when I view this blatant lack of the Value of Life, my automatic defense mechanism, is to shove it right back in the offenders face to directly, not indirectly as our Universe goes about its catalytic delivery system, show the abuser their own image.
The result, I've learned much from how I respond to people. My NUMBER ONE trigger that incites a Murder Fantasy to occur is Apathy. In the face of Apathy, one can perform murder easily, this is not the same as becoming desensitized or numb to Murder, this is literally the ability to ignore the otherwise natural emotional implications of performing Murder. I've had some dreams where I experienced the act of murdering, it was sobering as I discovered I do not enjoy it when it's actually happening. This bled into my conscious thoughts, the enjoyment of ending apathetic people's lives faded, very, very quickly.
The Number Two trigger I have: Cruelty.
In the face of Cruelty I have experienced very...powerful desires to return the feelings exponentially, essentially mangling the very soul of the person, and ALWAYS ending in the assurance that should they return to this sphere, I will put them through the torment all over again, essentially personally banning them from Earth. It's interesting to note this trigger incites much more violent scenes than those one might find in GTA:V, but of which are not focused around inducing pain like in the scenes in GTA:V.
Mine thankfully only include baseball bats, knives, swords, axes, and bullets, and one time, a chainsaw! (I should not watch Chainsaw Texas Massacre... That incited a reverse chainsaw revenge on the freaky demented guy with the chainsaw.) But, not so much outright pain endurance, but returning in a physical manner the outright cruel catalyst they dish out, such as when I see someone destroying another's opinions of themselves, and cutting away a persons self-belief/confidence, I end up returning that in these moments of fantasy as physical occurrence. As if to say, I am the Catalyst directed exponentially, this is what it feels like, stop doing what you do, or else.
It is specifically that second trigger that has made me ultimately decide to just let it happen so that I lose the emotional charge and understand WHY THIS IS HAPPENING IN MY BRAIN. Now I know.
This is why:
I hate apathy and cruelty, probably because it exists in myself and I choose/chose to ignore and suppress it rather than accept it. The result is as Ra says, unused Catalyst will first affect the Mind, then, the Body. I caught it at the Mind, do not want it transpiring to the Body. So I sit here giving y'all this post to chronicle the 'occurrence/catalyst'. Since I've lost that 'emotional frenzy-charge' associated with these thoughts/fantasies I've noticed 80% of these thoughts are actually caused from TELEVISION. Very rarely will I actually want to murder someone right in front of me, because right there being with them I understand their reasons for being apathetic, and sometimes their cruelty. Life is Hard, it's hard to be positive all the time. But when I'm watching a movie, or a TV show, like Dexter, they come frequently with my ADD pulling me from the show into my thoughts of murdering them. This happens often with the 'bad guys' in shows. It's why I like Star Trek and Archer and the Twilight Zone, these shows don't typically cause these thoughts to occur, they help me relax instead.
I would like to point out, I am not comfortable posting this...This is more...To showcase to anyone else who finds themselves having these thoughts that there is a reason for them, that is not particularly 'bad' at its roots. I have an over-desire to make the World a better place. This can manifest in thought in...extreme ways. It's why I wish I could learn martial arts like Tai-chi or Wing Chun, to quickly and efficiently end a violent occurrence with as little overt violence as possible. To avoid losing myself in any kind of emotional frenzy.
I apologize for the violent energy that might be apparent, and I ask any of you who pick up on it to approach it with love and acceptance and embracing the root of its manifestation, the desire to protect those from harm, by dishing out great harm to the harmer.
I work in odd ways, it's interesting how those extremes can be so...horrible...based from a place of positive desire. It's weird how the absence of the value of life in the place I live has manifested inside of me a similar sensation towards those who perpetuate the continued absence of that value of life. It's why I am a self-proclaimed hypocrite.
Discussion on this absence is welcome, I would actually appreciate someone disproving this apparent absence of the value of life. I see it's value is becoming known in awareness, and...I am VERY happy that it's coming forth not through the ways I have mentally experienced, but with kindness and consideration, with legal pushes in areas at the State and Federal levels.
Thank you for reading, I apologize for the extremity.
That was months ago, the occurrence has persisted but since I've begun allowing them, rather than letting them occur then suppressing them part way in, I've decided to embrace them. The results.
It's exactly like the way the show Dexter from Showtime goes when he's being tailed by Sgt. Dokes, his need bleeds into on-the-spot murderous fantasies towards people who annoy or mistreat him, so, when people mistreat me in the daily grind, the on the spot desire to kill occurs, thankfully, I value life exponentially over death and murder.
The intensity of these 'fantasies' varies from chewing a person out for failing so miserably at doing their job, to various ways torturing and murdering, if not just straight up killing them and walking away 'making the world a better place.'
In the addendum of murder, I've discovered the feelings are charged from a desensitization to the value of life within Society.
The Absence of the Value of Life in America.
*Police Officers alone are screened for sociopathy, lack of empathy, taught to shoot first, utilizing their union to get by legal repercussions. This has been this way since 1992 and earlier. I was a baby when I was first exposed to police brutality when my parents called the Mesa police to report a fight at their apartment complex, and one of the people held a gun, then tossed it into the bush right in front of my window (as per my Mother's recalling). When the police showed up, my Dad opened the door to fill them in on what was happening, they rough-housed him to the ground, handcuffed and dragged him by his arms across the ground around the complex, threatened to harm my mother and told her to get his I.D and to get back in the apartment.
Fast forward to THIS DAY 23~ years later. Just this morning, a suicidal girl in Mesa was shot to death, covered on the local news station (which was somewhat surprising.) when she was a threat to herself and no one else.
*Murder is appreciated in the online video game industry, how many games are designed around murdering the competition, vs cooperating together? Not just this, murder is taught to be 'fun', and fun it is when you're playing a game. How that can reflect into reality, depends from person to person but when a guy plays GTA and can't distinguish such actions as unacceptable in reality, there is some worth in pointing out that there is a lack of education upon the Value of Life in that area where such crimes being related to violent video games occur.
*Killing is insinuated to be a natural part of life via subliminal messages across Hollywood. Stemming all the way back to the Lion King to literally every day News Stations. Murder is a natural part of life apparently. Spoiler Alert: It's Actually Not.
*Our Legal System condemns life to a life of walls, guards, and violent individuals, for taking a life, if not, taking life itself in the face of murder. Essentially, life is so meaningless, taking it is met with the removal of the taker. The ultimate hypocrisy.
*This is all just in regards to HUMAN life. Plant Life and Animal Life is essentially considered taboo, inciting 'tree-hugger, hippy' comments socially to negate the awareness of Life.
*Crystals, and elements like Fire, which exhibit scientifically determined the most basic signs of life (reproduction, consumption) aren't considered alive. Information posited such as from The Source Field Study which shows a way to prove plant life is at the least 'aware', are undermined socially, right from scientists skewing the results with improper methods, to a show called Mythbusters publicly discrediting the research 'collectively' (or 'nationally') through poorly performing the same experiment and calling it 'busted' when they don't get the same results. Sadly none of them paid attention to how 'their thoughts affect the way the plant's respond'.
*Of the animals which exhibit intelligence which we can measure (Dolphins, Species of Monkey/Gorilla/Orangutan, Pigs) are not considered intelligent life, a somewhat legally important definition.
So, when I view this blatant lack of the Value of Life, my automatic defense mechanism, is to shove it right back in the offenders face to directly, not indirectly as our Universe goes about its catalytic delivery system, show the abuser their own image.
The result, I've learned much from how I respond to people. My NUMBER ONE trigger that incites a Murder Fantasy to occur is Apathy. In the face of Apathy, one can perform murder easily, this is not the same as becoming desensitized or numb to Murder, this is literally the ability to ignore the otherwise natural emotional implications of performing Murder. I've had some dreams where I experienced the act of murdering, it was sobering as I discovered I do not enjoy it when it's actually happening. This bled into my conscious thoughts, the enjoyment of ending apathetic people's lives faded, very, very quickly.
The Number Two trigger I have: Cruelty.
In the face of Cruelty I have experienced very...powerful desires to return the feelings exponentially, essentially mangling the very soul of the person, and ALWAYS ending in the assurance that should they return to this sphere, I will put them through the torment all over again, essentially personally banning them from Earth. It's interesting to note this trigger incites much more violent scenes than those one might find in GTA:V, but of which are not focused around inducing pain like in the scenes in GTA:V.
Mine thankfully only include baseball bats, knives, swords, axes, and bullets, and one time, a chainsaw! (I should not watch Chainsaw Texas Massacre... That incited a reverse chainsaw revenge on the freaky demented guy with the chainsaw.) But, not so much outright pain endurance, but returning in a physical manner the outright cruel catalyst they dish out, such as when I see someone destroying another's opinions of themselves, and cutting away a persons self-belief/confidence, I end up returning that in these moments of fantasy as physical occurrence. As if to say, I am the Catalyst directed exponentially, this is what it feels like, stop doing what you do, or else.
It is specifically that second trigger that has made me ultimately decide to just let it happen so that I lose the emotional charge and understand WHY THIS IS HAPPENING IN MY BRAIN. Now I know.
This is why:
I hate apathy and cruelty, probably because it exists in myself and I choose/chose to ignore and suppress it rather than accept it. The result is as Ra says, unused Catalyst will first affect the Mind, then, the Body. I caught it at the Mind, do not want it transpiring to the Body. So I sit here giving y'all this post to chronicle the 'occurrence/catalyst'. Since I've lost that 'emotional frenzy-charge' associated with these thoughts/fantasies I've noticed 80% of these thoughts are actually caused from TELEVISION. Very rarely will I actually want to murder someone right in front of me, because right there being with them I understand their reasons for being apathetic, and sometimes their cruelty. Life is Hard, it's hard to be positive all the time. But when I'm watching a movie, or a TV show, like Dexter, they come frequently with my ADD pulling me from the show into my thoughts of murdering them. This happens often with the 'bad guys' in shows. It's why I like Star Trek and Archer and the Twilight Zone, these shows don't typically cause these thoughts to occur, they help me relax instead.
I would like to point out, I am not comfortable posting this...This is more...To showcase to anyone else who finds themselves having these thoughts that there is a reason for them, that is not particularly 'bad' at its roots. I have an over-desire to make the World a better place. This can manifest in thought in...extreme ways. It's why I wish I could learn martial arts like Tai-chi or Wing Chun, to quickly and efficiently end a violent occurrence with as little overt violence as possible. To avoid losing myself in any kind of emotional frenzy.
I apologize for the violent energy that might be apparent, and I ask any of you who pick up on it to approach it with love and acceptance and embracing the root of its manifestation, the desire to protect those from harm, by dishing out great harm to the harmer.
I work in odd ways, it's interesting how those extremes can be so...horrible...based from a place of positive desire. It's weird how the absence of the value of life in the place I live has manifested inside of me a similar sensation towards those who perpetuate the continued absence of that value of life. It's why I am a self-proclaimed hypocrite.
Discussion on this absence is welcome, I would actually appreciate someone disproving this apparent absence of the value of life. I see it's value is becoming known in awareness, and...I am VERY happy that it's coming forth not through the ways I have mentally experienced, but with kindness and consideration, with legal pushes in areas at the State and Federal levels.
Thank you for reading, I apologize for the extremity.