05-24-2017, 03:19 PM
...
Its been ~about~ 7 years since I found the Lawofone.info. ...
...
I do not have a desire to serve others. I have more a desire to serve myself. But I feel there is no point to either one, and I do not see service in either one because I always see more than the service. I see the possible wisdom of a service---meaning I look ahead, before taking action, to see if what action I will take is the best action. I have been adjusted that way for years, but almost incredibly I do not even know how many years. Nevertheless, it's made me appear indecisive. It has made me become indifferent. I've thought about the Ra Material. I've thought, "maybe I should've never found it." Why? Because I look for it as a measure of what I should do.
I'll either usually think whether "this is what should be done, according to some of the principals/philosophies/implications in the Ra Material..." consciously, or I----I must be doing it unconsciously, as I can't seem to get away from it.
And I want to. I believe my mind has become 'disarranged'. I've noticed time and time again, I do not think like other people, normal people. In observing myself, I've noticed there are...or there is...a sort of blur of feelings, emotions. All which I've neglected (it must be so) but which hang over my mind beyond where I can easily think about it...but they're there, it is there.
I can not comfortably face these unresolved things. And I am inclined not to, rather I'm inclined to distract myself, partaking in an unending quest to attain that feeling of validity-from-others, and to find the best opinion among the group, and to form my own while in a mess of thoughts, emotions, unfocused overwhelming selection of actions. I wish I could do so much. I wished. But I'm broken. Imagine a ferro-fluid being pulled by magnets in every direction, spiking out violently, and you will have imagined a structure similar to how my focus works.
It must at least be considered that this is the path I will always walk unless I can change it.
I've understood some things because of what the Ra Material contains. But they do not seem worth understanding anymore.
I feel I can make the comparison that the Ra Material is like a mountain bike but with a pair training wheels, maybe. I haven't take those training wheels off. I haven't moved on to forming my own observations in life. I don't feel like I am part of life, I barely remember I am human and that this world is a world. I've made a mental habit of gauging myself (or my thoughts?) to the contents of Ra Material.
I've evidently failed to grasp the core of it, and some of you might reply saying the same thing down below.
That's the symptom of my problem.
I usually cite instances of "somebody doing something as described in the Ra Material" or I can try to make an association there. I feel I've uncovered a lot that way; solved a bit of the interesting puzzle which Ra and the Group illustrated as a product of their sessions.
But it is looking ever so pointless to uncover or reveal that 'puzzle' to my eyes. Such an enlightening sight only serves as an explanation, and an explanation only serves when others hear it.
To try and explain to why you it is pointless: it is much like how a psychologist will tell you that you have such and such a condition, and then tell you what the term for it is (assuming you have a condition). Useless, it is utterly useless all alone like that. Unless you plan to be a walking pamphlet.
More useful to swerve past the attempt at exercising logic. More useful to move toward an experience. Or move toward shedding light on the mind complex. Which is what my puzzle solving does not really do.
But even then...only somebody who from a humble beginning took an interest into the 'mind complex' and whose joy is to understand more, would be able to guide others in understanding it.
Yet, why understand it all? Why serve others that way? In what way does it serve others?
In what way does anything serve others....(?)
What is the 'best service...
Why do some people seek to understand such useless things? I don't think it is for the purpose of being the kind of person who repeats the information he has understood. I think its to teach others, but toward what aim? I don't understand why we do things without knowing the greater purpose for why we do them, and instead we just do them. It afflicts me too, hence the training wheel thing (btw thnx for the metaphor, Ra).
This---all this---- is part of my progress. I don't have a supernatural insight about myself.
Hopefully if a single person or more is in the same boat as I am, he/she will reflect on their self. The thread is open for questions, comments, input, etc. I'll be trying to meditate and fixing myself up. (please dont PM me)
And for summary. I don't see other people as other people. I don't see myself as a person. I don't know what to see for either one. I'm not sure why that's happened. I just feel feelings, I think about things, and I try to live my day to day life increasingly more doubtful that the silly, random, invasive thoughts I think are even mine. In summary, my mind is very likely 'disarranged'. All I know is that my life sucks and I feel it should've never gotten to that point.
Its been ~about~ 7 years since I found the Lawofone.info. ...
...
I do not have a desire to serve others. I have more a desire to serve myself. But I feel there is no point to either one, and I do not see service in either one because I always see more than the service. I see the possible wisdom of a service---meaning I look ahead, before taking action, to see if what action I will take is the best action. I have been adjusted that way for years, but almost incredibly I do not even know how many years. Nevertheless, it's made me appear indecisive. It has made me become indifferent. I've thought about the Ra Material. I've thought, "maybe I should've never found it." Why? Because I look for it as a measure of what I should do.
I'll either usually think whether "this is what should be done, according to some of the principals/philosophies/implications in the Ra Material..." consciously, or I----I must be doing it unconsciously, as I can't seem to get away from it.
And I want to. I believe my mind has become 'disarranged'. I've noticed time and time again, I do not think like other people, normal people. In observing myself, I've noticed there are...or there is...a sort of blur of feelings, emotions. All which I've neglected (it must be so) but which hang over my mind beyond where I can easily think about it...but they're there, it is there.
I can not comfortably face these unresolved things. And I am inclined not to, rather I'm inclined to distract myself, partaking in an unending quest to attain that feeling of validity-from-others, and to find the best opinion among the group, and to form my own while in a mess of thoughts, emotions, unfocused overwhelming selection of actions. I wish I could do so much. I wished. But I'm broken. Imagine a ferro-fluid being pulled by magnets in every direction, spiking out violently, and you will have imagined a structure similar to how my focus works.
It must at least be considered that this is the path I will always walk unless I can change it.
I've understood some things because of what the Ra Material contains. But they do not seem worth understanding anymore.
I feel I can make the comparison that the Ra Material is like a mountain bike but with a pair training wheels, maybe. I haven't take those training wheels off. I haven't moved on to forming my own observations in life. I don't feel like I am part of life, I barely remember I am human and that this world is a world. I've made a mental habit of gauging myself (or my thoughts?) to the contents of Ra Material.
I've evidently failed to grasp the core of it, and some of you might reply saying the same thing down below.
That's the symptom of my problem.
I usually cite instances of "somebody doing something as described in the Ra Material" or I can try to make an association there. I feel I've uncovered a lot that way; solved a bit of the interesting puzzle which Ra and the Group illustrated as a product of their sessions.
But it is looking ever so pointless to uncover or reveal that 'puzzle' to my eyes. Such an enlightening sight only serves as an explanation, and an explanation only serves when others hear it.
To try and explain to why you it is pointless: it is much like how a psychologist will tell you that you have such and such a condition, and then tell you what the term for it is (assuming you have a condition). Useless, it is utterly useless all alone like that. Unless you plan to be a walking pamphlet.
More useful to swerve past the attempt at exercising logic. More useful to move toward an experience. Or move toward shedding light on the mind complex. Which is what my puzzle solving does not really do.
But even then...only somebody who from a humble beginning took an interest into the 'mind complex' and whose joy is to understand more, would be able to guide others in understanding it.
Yet, why understand it all? Why serve others that way? In what way does it serve others?
In what way does anything serve others....(?)
What is the 'best service...
Why do some people seek to understand such useless things? I don't think it is for the purpose of being the kind of person who repeats the information he has understood. I think its to teach others, but toward what aim? I don't understand why we do things without knowing the greater purpose for why we do them, and instead we just do them. It afflicts me too, hence the training wheel thing (btw thnx for the metaphor, Ra).
This---all this---- is part of my progress. I don't have a supernatural insight about myself.
Hopefully if a single person or more is in the same boat as I am, he/she will reflect on their self. The thread is open for questions, comments, input, etc. I'll be trying to meditate and fixing myself up. (please dont PM me)
And for summary. I don't see other people as other people. I don't see myself as a person. I don't know what to see for either one. I'm not sure why that's happened. I just feel feelings, I think about things, and I try to live my day to day life increasingly more doubtful that the silly, random, invasive thoughts I think are even mine. In summary, my mind is very likely 'disarranged'. All I know is that my life sucks and I feel it should've never gotten to that point.