11-19-2017, 01:56 PM
Thanks for sharing CA.
Sorry for your loss. Its pretty brutal our fast paced lives every one has so much to do and very little time is taken to forge bonds and connect. The opportunity as you said is lost. I think that is partially what drives me to connect to people, hear their story. Really see them while the opportunity presents itself.
In your uncles place I bet he was pretty lonely too, addiction doesn't just start because people are happy.
I'm sure you have done it but if not I would talk to him, say what you have to say and going forward connect when the opportunity presents itself.
I am pretty lucky this life in that for some reason I was acutely aware of the potential for thing to be left unsaid. I would and still do tell people how much they mean to me to the point that I have often been asked if I was dying or something. :-/
I just always reply that I think people should hear this stuff when they are living vs the standard of waiting for the eulogy.
You are not alone in that. I'm sitting out a few cycles. In a few hundred years I think things will be very different.
I don't think anything is wrong with you. Sounds like somehow things were stacked against you.
I always feel bad for people who took the programming of society and now dont know who they are, truth is though Im sure they fit in well as kids and dont feel lost and off track as adults. Never felt defective because they didnt fit in. Catch 22 I guess.
As long as they keep the mask on they are ok.
I may have been better able to mix with people but I drifted from group to group never really putting down roots because I could get my mask on and follow along the life script everyone was given. When things got to obvious I wasn't traveling the same conventional road as them I would inevitably move on.
Most of highschool and college I hung out with groups of guys because there was never any expectation on me as a girl to be the same as the guys. That worked very well till everyone started getting married and funny how that solution didn't work out longterm,
women don't seem to want their husbands hanging out with women. lol
Anyways I totally get how the end of a friendship can feel like a death. I have totally experienced that and I'm sorry you have too. Potential for something beautiful is lost.
One of the people I still greive is that sort of thing.
(11-18-2017, 10:43 PM)Coordinate_Apotheosis Wrote: I remember when death wasn't registering for me. I witnessed my father's... ugh, fifth wife? I think it was, die from a heart attack. I didn't feel bothered by it.I don't think that is all that abnormal. I dont think you really greive for the person's loss. They arent mourning its the ones left behind that suffer right?
My grandma, grandpa, uncle, all died, felt nothing, if anything I was glad for them.
(11-18-2017, 10:43 PM)Coordinate_Apotheosis Wrote: Then my cat died, and...At first, I was just sad that he was gone.
Then it sunk in over these last four years. My best friend is gone. He's not coming back, I'll be without him for the rest of my life. It makes me teary eyed just recalling it.
Then it finally happened, this guy I didn't know ANYTHING about, he was an uncle, his name was Roger. He had a cane, but wore running shoes, had a drug addiction (to cocaine), but was ridiculously kind. I met him for 5 minutes, spoke not even 50 words with him last Christmas, then had to leave.
I really liked him, wanted to get to know him. Then a few weeks ago, he died, massive heart attack. My mom says growing up, everyone had wondered who'd die first, him or my mom.
Needless to say. When I found out, it was like this uncanny wave of realization washed over me. That I'd never get to know him, or anything really about him. That he's gone, for good, not coming back. Better place or no, his death was a loss and it hit me hard.
I cried a lot, but not the kind I usually do, it was kind of undriven, just a response. I wasn't just mad or sad to the point of tears, I was just so upset at how I missed that opportunity, how I never knew any of my family, how alone I was.
Sorry for your loss. Its pretty brutal our fast paced lives every one has so much to do and very little time is taken to forge bonds and connect. The opportunity as you said is lost. I think that is partially what drives me to connect to people, hear their story. Really see them while the opportunity presents itself.
In your uncles place I bet he was pretty lonely too, addiction doesn't just start because people are happy.
I'm sure you have done it but if not I would talk to him, say what you have to say and going forward connect when the opportunity presents itself.
I am pretty lucky this life in that for some reason I was acutely aware of the potential for thing to be left unsaid. I would and still do tell people how much they mean to me to the point that I have often been asked if I was dying or something. :-/
I just always reply that I think people should hear this stuff when they are living vs the standard of waiting for the eulogy.
(11-18-2017, 10:43 PM)Coordinate_Apotheosis Wrote: I don't...Think I'll be coming back around Earth like planets/3D for a while after this incarnation. I think, I just need a break from 3D. Perhaps to clear myself, or find a better approach. I'm so tired. There's so much challenge to this life that I don't understand.
You are not alone in that. I'm sitting out a few cycles. In a few hundred years I think things will be very different.
(11-18-2017, 10:43 PM)Coordinate_Apotheosis Wrote: I didn't think for the longest time, I wasn't actively thinking about anything until about age 19. Up to that point, I was blissfully ignorant of my...Oddities.
I have been different even to different kids, I didn't fit into special ed, educational support was non-existent, no one liked me and I didn't keep friends I made, and in fact got into 'serious' trouble three different times because I didn't understand the severity of something I would say, or the one time when I didn't realize how physical I was.
All three examples in order, met this indian kid in elementary school, he was my 'friend' until his other friends showed up, then I was just laughing fodder for picking on. One day I called his house trying to ask him why, he didn't answer and in that moment all I could think of saying was I was going to 'get him', and I meant it like make him my friend. His mother took it as murdering him.
Made a friend who had a baby brother, I had no experience even being around babies. One day while hanging out his brother kept bothering us from our games. I made the off-hand remark that I wished his brother wasn't around (as in asleep or somewhere else). He took it as me wishing his brother was gone gone. That friendship ended that same day and I had NO IDEA why or what I had said.
Knew a black kid, we were friends, and hell, he even confessed to liking me as kids, like romantically. I thought he was trying to trick me into doing gay stuff to make fun of me. Turns out I found out years later, he wasn't. Furthermore one day around 7th or 8th grade he's over at my house swimming. I recently heard my dad tell a joke about black people with the punchline being 'negros', my friend made a remark that feel in line with the joke, I in a moment of triumph feeling like I'll be hilarious blurted out to him in response 'Negros!', he misheard me and thought I said N----er. That ended that. He got up out of the water and walked away without a word dripping wet.
I had no idea how bad even just the word negro was, but worse he misheard me, and that ended that. I tried to invite him to my birthday party and got a very bitter response.
Finally I had a friend in elementary school who I apparently was too physical with. I guess touching a person's arm often to get their attention often makes me gay. Who would've thought...
All of it makes me wonder why? What's wrong with me? Why am I so stupid saying stupid things doing stupid things but I'm apparently smart and bright and whatever...
I don't even know how to make sense of grief, yet I felt it at the death of each of those friendships.
I don't think anything is wrong with you. Sounds like somehow things were stacked against you.
I always feel bad for people who took the programming of society and now dont know who they are, truth is though Im sure they fit in well as kids and dont feel lost and off track as adults. Never felt defective because they didnt fit in. Catch 22 I guess.
As long as they keep the mask on they are ok.
I may have been better able to mix with people but I drifted from group to group never really putting down roots because I could get my mask on and follow along the life script everyone was given. When things got to obvious I wasn't traveling the same conventional road as them I would inevitably move on.
Most of highschool and college I hung out with groups of guys because there was never any expectation on me as a girl to be the same as the guys. That worked very well till everyone started getting married and funny how that solution didn't work out longterm,
women don't seem to want their husbands hanging out with women. lol
Anyways I totally get how the end of a friendship can feel like a death. I have totally experienced that and I'm sorry you have too. Potential for something beautiful is lost.
One of the people I still greive is that sort of thing.