Vent (Trigger warning)
01-12-2018, 08:42 AM, (This post was last modified: 02-10-2018, 06:12 PM by 777.)
#1
Vent (Trigger warning)
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01-12-2018, 10:28 AM,
#2
RE: Vent (Trigger warning)
You beautiful being, success is just but a standard set by human limitation and approval. (Fame, money, possesions) The chase for physical objectivity will never end, we will always compare ourselves with that other self who has more or much stable life than us. In my current point of view success would be discovering the LOO whilist being incarnate in a veiled 3rd density world. I have searched and thought, did so many rediculous and uncalled for things just to get an approval from the universe that there is purpose. I remember you from several previous postings, were here for you if company, love, and approval is what you seek.. I can't say I understand your pain, but surely there is something out there waiting for you on the line of time.
So please, stay, stay and share your music, your art, your love, unconditionally, with us. Create for love, create for passion.
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01-12-2018, 10:40 AM,
#3
RE: Vent (Trigger warning)
Hey 777, if I might relate to you in hopes that you'll feel a little less alone...

I am familiar with the destroying all relationships catalyst.  About 3 months ago I ended all my friendships, I was in a severe panic attack that in the self hatred I was certain I was going to hurt everyone I cared about so attempted to distance myself from them for their own safety.  Many of them didn't care, others continued talking to me

Along that, I'm aware of the idea of losing everything important to you.

In 2012 I had my own place, a girlfriend, and we were going to start a family.
I had everything I wanted, then lost it all in 2013 including my car and had a bout of homelessness before deciding to live with my mom again.  It was short but such an experience having nowhere to go and no one I trusted.

Since then I tried to rebuild, and before 2013 was over I was used and honestly I'd call it abused by my then best friend whom took up most of my time.  We hung out near daily and she used my desire for her to control me.  After things ended with her my then job became unbearable so I switched to overnights, lost contact with everyone just about, hardly even saw my own mother, and discovered the Law of One literally the week after I began preparing to commit suicide

That culminated in the end of 2013 and basically all of 2014 being an experience of solitude, self discovery, and enlightenment.  Then 2015 came and I was unable to hold my heart open, I did an experiment in open heart states of consciousness without meditation, and subsequently began looking into darkness to reconcile it.  The result was in 2015 I came to believe this all, reality, was literally Hell.  If you've ever seen the original Stephen King movie 1408, where the protagonist is stuck in a 'fucking evil room' that transports him into hell, tortures him, tries to kill him, then releases him letting him think it was a near death experience from almost drowning earlier while surfing, only to discover he never left the room.

I felt like life was that room, that everything around me was actually a bubble a few feet away containing me in some holographic illusion where I was meant to slowly be tortured and suffer all to learn some kind of lesson.  It was such a powerful experience because suicide would just reset the life I'm in, I'd live it all over again, if not worse off.  I had dejavu of committing suicide, and twice I thought I actually DID commit suicide only to wake up at the beginning of the day, and both times I had a 'stacked' dejavu of going through that at least 8 times forgetting each time what had happened.

It was surreal and in ways impossible to me, yet I have such an experience...  I was so certain I was in Hell, without a doubt...  it took until 2017 to finally come to terms that I'm not in Hell, and this informed me that things like heaven and hell exist right here in physical earth, and it's our minds that open their gates for us to tour, and that just like enlightenment, it is a temporary experience.

Things in my mind, don't get better, they merely change, and all I can hope, pray, and beg for is that the change is constructive rather than destructive

I have no doubt when my mom dies I'll end up homeless possibly permanently.  In many ways I've planned to commit suicide once she does if I don't have my s*** together.  I rationalize it as an impossibility, me, living in this place, on the streets for everyone to abuse and harass and heartlessly hurt.  By that point I could truly say and not just rationalize that my life is over.  Not only that but I assume I'll kill myself regardless if I'm a single man in his mid 40's.  The suicide rate for single men in their 40's is 50% in America at least four years ago, my proclivity of chronic severe depression intermixed with genetic predisposition to mental illness just leaves me in what feels like a Red Alert group, my probability of ending this life in suicide has felt well above 50%, I'd argue it's in the 85% area.

Because from my perspective, I've had suicidal feelings since elementary school as a child.  I remember in the 4th grade I wanted to literally die instead of go to school and be bullied.

I don't know what to do.  My last ditch effort is to fall on spirituality and faith, but truthfully I'm so depressed from all of this loneliness that even the Law of One looked like a fanciful hell masquerading as heaven.  So I'm left without a plan, and must accept that I will suffer.

Even though it's the one thing I have tried so hard to avoid.

It's funny because I'm blessed in a sense with a great cowardice and lack of self esteem, I could never speak these things to people in my life   I'm so quiet and feel so unimportant that I can't even bring myself to ask a girl I've been taking to lately out on a date because I believe I'm ugly, pathetic, weak, stupid, and all of these things.  And I can't tell anyone because my greatest fear of all is being a burden.  I can't go to the hospital, they don't care if I live or die.  And I can't tell my mother, she wouldn't understand, and I know I'm losing my grip on reality when I think I'm in Hell and don't need a permanent diagnoses of psychosis to point that out.
I've been threatened with institutionalization, but every time it was a coercion tactic by my mother.

I was once put into a juvenile delinquent home for a day.  Long story short my mother didn't like me having long hair, I did (goes into feeling more like a female than a male, another secret so to speak in my life), she dragged me by the hair down a hallway and punched a hole in my wall before I barricaded myself against the door in what felt like a life or death struggle to keep away from her.  I wss so distressed I even begged satan to take over me and kill her because I had no idea what else to possibly do to get away from her terror, God didn't seem to give two flying fucks about me, especially when two police officers threatened to break my door down then told me my mother has the right to physically assault me the way she did before transporting me to the delinquent home.
Where that night I was so gone in disbelief and shock and a pain where some hair was ripped out, I wss physically dizzy with shock at my own mother doing what she had done to me.
The next morning when she showed up to take me home I refused to go with her to the staff's shock.  The counselors there recognized that I was the farthest thing from violent.

I'm so damn nice and kind and loving that through all of this s***, the worst I've ever had were murder fantasies, not once have I physically assaulted my mother or a friend.  Wait, there was...  Tw-three instances as a child, and one as a teen that came from my second skin (red jacket I wore daily through Arizona desert heat) was broken by a 'friend'.

Beyond that I've stopped fights and have never thrown a punch at someone beyond when my 'friend' broke the most important clothing article to me, and he would describe that punch as like being hit by a teddy bear...

But overall, the people in that delinquent home recognized me as not belonging there, and knew something was wrong when I wouldn't go home with my mother.

You would never think a 6' teenager in 7th grade could be so abused by a small women like my mom.  Just another pain to add on to being judged by my appearance...  No one believed me back then when I told them about my mother, she had everyone so convinced even I questioned myself.  It took the mother of my son being abused by my mother for me to finally know what I felt about her was true, it took the mother of my son citing my mother as the main reason she wanted our son to have nothing to do with me to make me realize how bad my mom is.

Institutions are cruel.  And the crap you've been through is f*****.  I only barely, like a slivers worth, identify with your experiences...

I have many potentials, writing, mathematics, music, programming, graphic art, but I have no drive or desire or motivation, I feel like a monster, and identify as being like my parents.  As being as bad as my mother, which makes me hate myself and feel like I'm a waste of skin and blood.  A person fell in love with me across the globe and I've utterly failed him in returning that love.  I've let my son down for what'll be 6 years this November...  I'm a failure at life and feel like I'm so bad I deserve to suffer, I take and do not give, I'm a burden on life itself.

But, until I am looking at a life devoid of family and friends, the one I've teetered on, and will plummet into once my mom dies, I'm going to try to make it work.

For all of my self hatred I consistently overlook all of my goodness.  I forget how illogically improbably kind I can be.  I don't give myself enough credit.

Which brings me to you.  Hi me, I appreciate your vibration.  In sorrow and suffering are you?
I don't really know you, but here's what I surmised from you.

You're mentally ill and suffer periods of that illness flaring up.  You've been abused, used, imprisoned, subjected to biological assault, psychologically invalidated, labeled, judged, condemned, and yet somehow you rebuild, stay afloat even after sinking.  You manage but know that you'll destroy it all again.

You've identified if I may infringe you with this possibly wrong observation, a main catalytic theme in your life.  Perhaps your challenge in this life is to find a means to control those moments, to be in that mania and manage to not destroy your progress, and maybe you're feeling as I am in regards to functioning as a decent contributing member of society, like it's impossible!

But 777, you have shown promise where I've given up.  You continue to try but grow weary from the same destruction that repeats.  If you could just find a way to create something from that destructiveness, to channel the mania to a positive usage if at the least simply being to clean instead of freaking out and acting on those freak outs...

I gave up because I believe in my mind I am incapable of doing what I felt drawn to.  Healing.  Helping.  Serving...  I'm just a monster, an ass hole.  My only excuse is being abused by my mom psychologically over my life, and I hide behind it because I'm too scared to try again and lose it all.

Please don't get to that point like I have... You show potential, promise, that you've the power to handle this, that you Caaan do this and handle your mental illness at the least, in a neutral way.

Your halfhearted attempt to medicate this issue isn't a bad move.  A woman who used to browse here who last went by SMC as her name pointed out that medication is a viable option in regards to certain biological concerns.  Basically put, if your brain needs the neurotransmitters from, say, an antidepressant, then taking antidepressants is a healthy choice for your neural chemistry.

If you require something to stabilize the mania, it's a healthy choice.
Sadly we're faced with the toxic water dilemma, if you're dehydrated and the only water available is saturated with crud like sodium bicarbonate and potassium chloride (nestle brand water), do you avoid the bad crap in the water and die of dehydration, or do you take the water and live to suffer from ill side effects years later by those chemicals?

Since life is considered sacred, one would argue yes, take the water, take the pills.

Do whatever you need to do to make it through.

Don't give up on yourself.

You're more important than others would have you believe, so just know that you've got my support, however little it may be, just know that SOMEONE cares about your suffering, and that I won't be silent when you ask for support.  All I can give is my strength, what little there is, and my courage, what little there is, and my love, however much of that I have, I don't know.  More than I give myself credit for.

So don't forget to give yourself credit.  You've destroyed your life, but not yourself, not yet.  That's something to be proud of, a power of yours to appreciate and contemplate your worthiness with.

Perhaps the road to better things starts with looking for ways to handle your mania.  Even if it means calling someone to be with you when you feel a manic attack coming on, so that they may help keep you from damaging your life.  It'll show them you're trying to take control over your illness, and so long as they can remain present even if you try to push them away, you'll know you found a true friend.

Sorry for the lengthy woe is me post also.  I hope my experiences help you know you're not alone, at least, not in spirit...
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01-12-2018, 11:22 AM,
#4
RE: Vent (Trigger warning)
Doctors told me once I was manic depressive bipolar schizoid this, that, and everything else. I understand how painful it is. I believe these types of “diagnoses” are merely contact with intelligent infinity, and if they are difficult and painful like you have been experiencing, the key is more heart energy, less blue/indigo and higher energies. Concentrate on universal love, even if (especially if) the notion of a creator who loves you no matter what does not currently resonate with you now.

Here are two quotes that popped into my mind for you , I hope you mediate on them and know that I’m praying for “it to get better” for you.

Michael

Quote:Ra: I am Ra. Consider, if you will, the path your life-experience complex has taken. Consider the coincidences and odd circumstances by which one thing flowed to the next. Consider this well.

Each entity will receive the opportunity that each needs. This information source-beingness does not have uses in the life-experience complex of each of those among your peoples who seek.

Quote:When fifth-density refinement has been achieved that which is not is carried further, the wisdom density being explored by entities which have no compassion, no universal love. They experience that which they wish by free choice, being of the earnest opinion that green-ray energy is folly.

That which is not may be seen as a self-imposed darkness in which harmony is turned into an eternal disharmony. However, that which is not cannot endure throughout the octave of third density and, as darkness eventually calls the light, so does that which is not eventually call that which is.
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777
01-12-2018, 12:14 PM,
#5
RE: Vent (Trigger warning)
This place (3D Earth) can be very painful. I can relate to some of what you say (but empathize with it all).

My brother committed suicide, so I will say to you what I would have said to him had I known things had gotten to that point: I love you. I have always loved you. Thank you for being here, for being my companion. Thank you for coming here at all and adding all your unique gifts to this world. Whatever you decide, I support you unconditionally.
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01-12-2018, 01:53 PM,
#6
RE: Vent (Trigger warning)
I guess simply put, we're all in this madhouse together.

At least, in Spirit.

Much love to you.  Thank you for venting and sharing.  Thank you for gifting us your experience, so that we may share in it with you.  It may only be by words but it forms enough to give us something to dance with.
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01-12-2018, 02:24 PM, (This post was last modified: 01-13-2018, 12:42 AM by anagogy.)
#7
RE: Vent (Trigger warning)
@777

*Anything is possible. I mean that literally.

*You haven't ruined your life. College is not necessary to have a good life. The energy that creates worlds can make all things possible. You can still go to college if that's what you really want to do still. Some of the most successful people in the world didn't go to college. You don't have to believe the societal brainwashing that you have to live a certain way.

*The universe loves you regardless of what you do with your life, even if you spend the next 40 years meditating in a cave. Or spend it as a homeless person.

*Suicide will just prolong your problems. Coursework uncompleted will just be deferred to a future incarnation. This universe and level of vibration is for learning how to reduce spiritual entropy in a slowed down vibrational environment. When entropy is reduced to zero, you find infinite unconditional love (oneness). It is isn't expected that souls reduce spiritual entropy to zero in a 3rd density incarnation, though it does occasionally happen. This universe is a slowed down compressed learning environment to teach you your power as a creator to either increase entropy and separation or reduce entropy and find love. Your experiences have been traumatic (and most spiritually transformative experiences are -- we're talking lightening struck tower here). I wish it didn't have to work that way, but pain wakes you up, and pleasure puts you to sleep. Use your pain to reduce spiritual entropy. The antidote to pain is higher purpose.

*You know exactly your salvation already. Get stable. Focus your energies there. When you are in tune with the universe, your wisdom is great, and your actions are powerful (have extremely far reaching leverage). When you are unstable, your wisdom is poor, your timing is terrible, and your decisions can only cause frustration. It is the difference between being inspired by connection, or disconnection.

*If you practice hopelessness, the universe will bring you more hopelessness. The universe says "Oh you think THAT'S terrible? Well CHECK this out."  And then after that it says, "Oh you think THAT'S terrible? Well CHECK this out." The good news is it will also do this with well being. But you have to exercise your WILL. You have to exercise CHOICE. It isn't the big decisions you made that throw life temporarily off course, its all the small ones you make, moment by moment, seeing hopelessness and misery, rather than infinite possibilities around every corner. Let me repeat again, your life is not over, and you haven't ruined it by a long shot. But then, if a train is going 100 miles an hour towards hopelessness, it logically cannot instantaneously change momentum and go in the opposite direction towards well being. Spiritual momentum is real, work on at least slowing down the train headed toward the missing bridge. Forgive yourself. It isn't about how many times you fell off the path, its about whether you had the strength to get back on the path.

*The nature of the macrocosmic infinite one is infinite wisdom, infinite power, infinite peace, and infinite love. I know it doesn't seem like it at various times in our life, but All Is Well.

*You don't have to figure it all out right now. Time constraints are often the death of inspiration and creativity. They are spontaneous and carefree, because they come from the spirit.

Your faculty of will is that which is powerful within you as co-Creator. You cannot ascribe to this faculty too much importance.
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01-12-2018, 02:31 PM, (This post was last modified: 01-12-2018, 02:34 PM by Elros.)
#8
RE: Vent (Trigger warning)
Not sure if this helps, but peace is found at the center of yourself and so maybe you feel you build things up for them to fall because you try to find peace outside where it needs to be rooted.

I think bipolar is somewhat a misconception, it is a natural aspect of the emotional body to be able to feel the two sides of the emotional spectrum. Charges build up because there is a clinging to feel and perceive things in non-acceptance which encloses energy into a harmful self-destructing pattern.

If you want to untangle your emotional body into not building up these charges anymore, then it's about lower chakra work to enable a free emotional flow. Although you may find yourself as apart from others you really are the very same, just your own complex set of nodes to untangle and wounds to heal.

I wish you luck, if you were unable to heal then none would ever heal.
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01-12-2018, 03:19 PM,
#9
RE: Vent (Trigger warning)
i know i've said this to you about a million and one times already but oh well here goes again.

i think you should do the following:
  • get fucking sunlight. at least 15m of direct sunlight daily.
  • fucking eat better. stop with the copious amounts of cookies. the ramen. the fast food. the trash.
  • and last but not least: fucking exercise.

"I am all that has been, and is, and shall be..."
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01-12-2018, 04:44 PM,
#10
RE: Vent (Trigger warning)
There have been some very valuable advice so far. All I can add is to say that if doing music is what you love, then just do it, don't let anyone or anything stop you. You see doing what you love is the most effective way to stop the train of hopelessness to use anagogy's analogy. And not just that but pain is the best conductor of train. Most music has been written under or after very difficult catalysts. It serves as fuel for passion, emotion and will. It may actually be what you need for inspiration. What else would you use instead anyway? We all need darkness to shine our brightest light. You probably don't even need success with your music to feel good about yourself, that's usually not what's really gratifying, you just need to actively take part in it and that will make you proud no matter what.

The creator is on both sides of the mirror but it's essence lies in the reflection itself. Dive within and it shall be reflected through you
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01-12-2018, 06:58 PM,
#11
RE: Vent (Trigger warning)
Cool. Thanks for sharing, 777.

Can you also share what happened to you? When did things go wrong in your life that is. My wife was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia when she was 16. We started dating shortly after her 15th birthday. She will be 35 this year.

I can relate to wanting out too. As early as 12 years old I wanted to time how long I could hold my breath under water while taking a bath. I slowly released all the air from my lungs and just at the moment when I had expelled all the air, a deep sense of peace arose within me at the thought of staying there. My red ray kicked back in and I thrust myself out of the water. That memory has always stuck with me because it taught me that I can experience peace without actually dying. There is a great deal of love in time/space, that I am quite certain of. But enough of my story, when did yours begin?
...the highest wisdom is to suffer all men to have full liberty to think on all subjects in their own way. - OAHSPE  
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01-12-2018, 07:53 PM,
#12
RE: Vent (Trigger warning)
I don't associate with anyone who isn't at least partially insane. You're good by me, brother. Please keep on being wild, and remember to laugh. Remember also to love and serve in whatever way makes itself available to you, then at the end of the day you can never think badly of your self or your life. Abandon shame, holiness, prestige etc. and embrace the wonderful person you are, and feel compassion for yourself as you would a child lost in the woods. In a sense that's all we really are here, lost children. What do expect life is going to be, knowing this? Nothing short of a big mess, I'm afraid.

Just embrace that, laugh, and forgive the platitudes which come so easily from those who currently sit in the sunshine.
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01-12-2018, 08:50 PM,
#13
RE: Vent (Trigger warning)
Couple of years ago I was kneeling in my bathroom with the knife at my hand and I was saying to Self:
- Do it! Come on, do it! What are You waiting for, coward?!?
I had tears in my eyes and suddenly I saw my hand glowing, as if it was made out of light. Everything else was normal, except for my hand which was simply beautiful. I realize how it can be explained rationally, but for me most important was what it meant to me personally. I think that for the first time I actually SAW what I’ve read in The Law of One. I saw Self as more than just an animal I currently am and it made me stop. That was the last time I’ve ever tried or thought of taking my physical life away. Even though I understand current Self as an Infinite Being trapped for some (unknown to me) reason in this pitiful creature, I decided to respect my reasons for being here even though I do not know what they were/are. It’s very hard, to trust that it is necessary to be here and prevail, to reach end of this existence in natural way – whatever it may mean for each of Us (old age, accident, disease, etc.).

There’s a moment when One is very seriously contemplating suicide, when One’s life seems to be of no value, not worthy to continue. At such time One should look outwards and make sure if there’s anything You can do for Other-Selves. Because if your own life is of no value to You, there are only Others between You and your self-inflicted-end.
I can write to You, that there is at least ONE Person in this World who will not make it without You; who will not be able to complete journey here-and-now without meeting You. For You it may be just an insignificant relation, but for this Person (or Persons) it will be something profound and unique. Therefore by killing Self, You will be taking away the only chance of Other-Self to survive/succeed.

There also is in this world such Person for You. Some-One, who will change your life in ways, You cannot currently imagine/comprehend. Give your-Self a chance to meet this Person and to experience what it truly mean “to connect” – with Whole-Self – not just “this good, healthy part of Self”. There’s no such thing/phenomena. There’s “only” You, as You are in your entirety.
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01-12-2018, 11:54 PM,
#14
RE: Vent (Trigger warning)
(01-12-2018, 03:19 PM)isis Wrote:  i know i've said this to you about a million and one times already but oh well here goes again.

i think you should do the following:



  • get fucking sunlight. at least 15m of direct sunlight daily.
  • fucking eat better. stop with the copious amounts of cookies. the ramen. the fast food. the trash.
  • and last but not least: fucking exercise.

This is understated because it's such legitimate advice.

Sunlight, vitamin D, psychological effects occur when sunlight hits the ocular nerve, our bodies literally respond to sunlight with neurotransmiters to wake us up, invigorate us, and stuff regarding metabolism that simply put causes it to increase over the longterm.

Also, vitamin D deficiency, you got it.

Food is a vast array of scientifically factual realizations.  Simplified to you are what you eat, literally your body rebuilds itself with the fuel you provide it.  If you eat as Isis lovingly put it, Trash, you begin feeling like trash.  I verified this myself in 2014 when my diet was coconut oil, hemp seeds, extremely little meat (once maybe two weeks I'd eat what my mom made), and apple cider vinegar and lemon-lime infused water, a gallon of it a day, a 8oz glass of water with a shot of aple cider vinegar.

Simply put, your gut has flora in it, basically mold that consumed, breaks down, and excretes the substances digested that helps the intestinal wall absorb nutrients.  And since that gut is directly linked with the nervous system of the brain (and heart) it goes to say, if your gut is filled with rancid flora that causes more gunk and less deconstruction of eaten materials, you'll have a gut full of crap, literally.

And when you're full of crap you don't feel so good, you could say, you feel like crap!!

When I fixed my diet to organic, no preservatives or artificial anything or any kind of 'cides' besides cider, I would...  sorry for tmi, but my gut was detoxed and then without the gunk bonding crap to my intestinal wall, I was suddenly passing much more material  each bathroom visit, to my own surprise it literally felt like my body was removing all this old crap I was carrying.  I lost 50 pounds (230 pounds then) and any South Park fans will appreciate this but Eric Cartman summed up the experience, "You know that great feeling after you take a huge crap? Yeeeaaahhh"  that happened over a period of months.

So your diet is INTEGRAL to feeling better.  You're so used to feeling crappy, when I couldn't sustain that diet anymore (mother was forcing me to suddenly pay her more money when she realized I was saving up to move out) I noticed that food's I used to like, like OJ, burned or stung my mouth.  My tastebuds were so fried and numb that I never noticed how acidic everything 'normal' was.  After they had healed from a proper diet, the new experience of old foods was eye opening.  Meat burned my tongue a bit, juices hurt my glands (that pressure/pain feeling from taste being too intense or strong), most foods stung or burned like putting acid on my tongue, others just tasted clearly not fresh, mainly ramen and all fast food even if ordered fresh.

And finally exercise, increases blood flow to the brain, helps us think more clearly, releases endorphins (no not dolphins, feel good brain chemicals), makes our body reinforce itself, promotes growth of blood vessels and the lymphatic system (immune system), and with yoga increases resistance to pain (brain no longer aligns a panic/alert mentality with certain levels of pain) and helps fight off arthritis of the joints and flexibility increases allowing you to move about more easily and freely without feeling so heavy.

You seem like someone whom gets a lot more out of the knowing how changes will effect you than simply being told what to do.  I personally am anyways.
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01-13-2018, 05:56 PM,
#15
RE: Vent (Trigger warning)
(01-12-2018, 07:53 PM)MangusKhan Wrote:  I don't associate with anyone who isn't at least partially insane. You're good by me, brother. Please keep on being wild, and remember to laugh. Remember also to love and serve in whatever way makes itself available to you, then at the end of the day you can never think badly of your self or your life. Abandon shame, holiness, prestige etc. and embrace the wonderful person you are, and feel compassion for yourself as you would a child lost in the woods. In a sense that's all we really are here, lost children. What do expect life is going to be, knowing this? Nothing short of a big mess, I'm afraid.

Just embrace that, laugh, and forgive the platitudes which come so easily from those who currently sit in the sunshine.

Not being partly insane is the true insanity. Smile
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01-13-2018, 06:04 PM,
#16
RE: Vent (Trigger warning)
Just saw this today.
The synchronicity of your post makes me feel it has to be shared.

https://www.google.ca/amp/www.cbc.ca/amp/1.4481342

Seems a few places are starting to offer compassionate tatto removal.
I doubt they are local but it’s possible this is a movement that will spread and she may be aware of a shop near you offering the same service.

I don’t know what your self harm scars are but no one would know they are self harm vs some other injury so try not to let that bother you.

Know you are loved 777.
If you are at a fork in the road and cannot decide which way to go.
Follow the path that leads you by love not fear.

I spent an extensive time on the verge of suicide. Years, and I had no fear of the act I’m so glad I kept pushing through. I thought it would never get better but that hell I walked through led me right here and I am happy. I couldn’t have gotten here with out that truly long horrific walk through hell.

Going through hell, keep going.
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01-15-2018, 02:42 PM, (This post was last modified: 01-15-2018, 02:43 PM by Aion.)
#17
RE: Vent (Trigger warning)
My friend, perhaps you would enjoy the story of Milarepa, one of my favorites.

https://treasuryoflives.org/biographies/view/Milarepa/3178

In it you can see that even one who strays far in the darkness and ruins everything around them again and again is still walking the path and only through persiverence can true realization of the self be revealed. Some of your darknesses may at times become tools upon the path.
Every path in life circles to the center.
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01-16-2018, 01:27 PM,
#18
RE: Vent (Trigger warning)
Hey 777, I hope you're doing okay if not better.  Let us know if you want to talk about anything, we're here for you even if in our limited capacity.

Just remember total strangers worry and care about you, please be doing okay.
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01-17-2018, 12:39 AM, (This post was last modified: 02-10-2018, 06:12 PM by 777.)
#19
RE: Vent (Trigger warning)
Delete.
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01-17-2018, 04:53 AM,
#20
RE: Vent (Trigger warning)
Friend, you sound like me Sad

Two days ago I realized something huge that had me irritable, I wasn't even consciously aware of this realization right away either but then it struck me.

I've been psychologically abused much earlier than I knew.  It was why everyone thought I was gay, why everyone I ever befriended stopped being my friend, why I clung to people for attention because no one gave me any good positive attention.

I realized my parents ruined me as a child.  And I was pissed.  But I was just done with it too, done caring so damn much because all my hatred and anger was only destroying myself, each murder fantasy a pickaxe swing against my happiness.

777, I have to remind myself daily, sometimes hourly, sometimes every 5 minutes, and sometimes every second constantly, that all this abuse is to build me a certain way, to shape me to struggle out of that shape, to regain...Myself and not the me forced upon me...

I have felt the divine was in many ways uninformed, in some crazy way, as to it's level of...  Inconsiderate acts upon us Humans.  Arguably it's our soul's that don't seem to feel the same way our humanity does.  An irony since humanity can't be without the soul.

I don't want you to go through what I did, suicide repetitions.  There will be 3D planets for a looooong time, and suiciding through them indefinitely sounds like my own hell I experienced.

So imagine my perspective.  I've taken a walk through hell, I've suffered there, I don't want to go back, but now here's a friend, walking the same path I did.  I told others here in this moment I won't just let you wreck yourself.  I'm however unable to stop you so all I can do is try to curve you away.

777, whatever is happening, whoever has hurt you, it all happened, and it is done.  We must come to accept that those things have happened.  I like to think you're much much stronger than you believe of yourself, that all of this is some strange icing on a cake, and that you've been holding onto that cake instead of enjoying it, because you don't want to get rid of it.

Isn't it weird, how good it feels to suffer?  How much easier it is to resign in defeat than wrestle with that suffering?

...  I want you to know, I want you to seek forgiveness.  You are helping me face exactly what you are facing...  And if you went away, well, I'd feel defeated...  I don't want these horrible things to consume anyone, myself or you...

I see now as I try to tell you what I'd want to hear that you should consider this:  Forgive, not for your abusers, but for yourself.

In forgiveness you release yourself from the grip of the memories of the abuse and violation, their pain may not subside but their hold does, and that lets you be still, because then nothing is shaking you about holding your attention.  In that stillness, I call it To Be A Rock And Not To Roll.

You are an intrinsic beautiful part of the portrait of Earth, but does your image show the pain of Earth or the pleasure?  Is there a Rock in a landscape? Is it sitting still as one with it's environment, so perfectly picturesque, or is it tumbling, a threat to someone's safety?

Your image in the Earth landscape doesn't need to be one of you tumbling.  You've focused so much on that tumble.  Please know each fall hurts, a lot, but the pain will go away, you will heal.  It's horrible to say this but I'd have needed to hear it myself.

Endure the pain, and it will go away or at the least become easier to handle.  Please don't give up, I know that it seems futile, pointless, hopeless, but it's not, it's truly not.  All of those violations and abuses created you, and you're not worth hating, you're not hateful.  You're hurt, and all of your feelings are important and not just tossed aside after a cold examination, rather they are informing you even if vividly overimpacting you with hurt, they tell you, there's something to find forgiveness for, there's something to find self compassion because of, and there's more to you than your failures and falls.

But truthfully, if you do go, just know I will forgive you.  And be happy for you, because you'll have done your life as best you could, even if you don't think so, and that is the most beautiful thing of all, was you dare tried.  That is all it takes to do anything, and it's what's important, not any failures or sufferings, but your love to face them, and your sensitivity to turn away when it becomes too much.

There is nothing wrong with everything you've done.

So, just remember how important it is that you find forgiveness of others for yourself.

I tell myself my parents were abused and they've merely continued the cycle, the juicy details (of misery...) are what  help me to realize that cycle and attenpt to be more than what they've turned me into, a monster just like them.

Truthfully I'm better than a monster, I'm just going through my own lessons.

You're the same, I could reiterate abstractly, rationally, factually, metaphorically, but no matter what, you are beautiful and I wouldn't judge you for anything you might do to yourself.  I will merely offer comfort as best I can and hope you've found the peace that you could not find in life.

Love you Heart
We're all bozos on the bus, freaks on this marble.  Don't beat yourself up so hard, don't let others get to you so deeply, you matter more than anyone on this veiled planet might know (besides your mother anyways), so don't give up in belief you don't matter.

I hope your stroke of misfortunes is postponed by your soul, so that you'll have time to heal, reassess, and face further misfortune with a giant smack to their face then a baffling hug of forgiveness for them.

Don't forget to be a rock and not to roll, let the storm pass over you, rather than drag you along with it.

I'll gladly speak more to try and help.
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01-17-2018, 05:11 AM,
#21
RE: Vent (Trigger warning)
(01-17-2018, 12:39 AM)777 Wrote:  If nothing goes right, I'd rather kill myself over and over until there's no Earth or remotely similar planets to incarnate on anymore.

Ah, but the veil. You would not be able to retain this will across incarnations. Your only option, if you are serious, would be to gain access to the inside of a nuclear reactor while it's operating, and proceed to utterly disintegrate your body/bodies. You would also have to accompany this self-destruction with a powerful magical statement forbidding any entity from bringing you back from non-existence.

I don't suggest this at all, nor do I think it's really within the realm of possibility, but that maybe you would find some interest in knowing this.

Now, seriously, you will have to learn to see these experiences as a gift. They absolutely will be if you can manage to do so. Seriously ask yourself, do you want an existence which is nothing but the same old plain rice day and butter day after day, or do you want that spicy curry? I decided for myself not all that long ago that I'm here for the spicy curry. That means embracing the fact that I'm going to get burned. However, just like the burning that chilli in a curry can give you, the pain that you feel in this world is also an illusion. How much easier it is to eat a spicy curry, when you know that no harm is actually being done to you. You can eat even a very spicy curry and revel in the intense sensation it gives you even while you cry and sweat and blow your nose, because you know that it is actually nothing but an illusion. You are not really burning. In the same way you should live, reveling in the sheer intensity of experience which you are being offered.

Eat the spicy curry and thank the chef. Then be proud that you learned to enjoy chilli. It feels so good to be strong, especially if it's a strength earned through pain.

All my love for an entity attempting to forge itself through intense heat. I hope you wake up feeling peace and strength.
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01-17-2018, 08:14 AM, (This post was last modified: 01-17-2018, 08:14 AM by Stranger.)
#22
RE: Vent (Trigger warning)
(01-17-2018, 12:39 AM)777 Wrote:  Well at this moment I feel fucking horrible, and I hate myself, everyone who's ever violated or abused me, and God. I feel like the divine forces I've tried to reach many times in my life have let me down. I feel like I've let myself down most of all.

777, please get trauma-focused psychotherapy.  Make it happen, whatever the obstacles.  Your ideal therapist will specialize in trauma and use Internal Family Systems (IFS), Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), or Cognitive Processing Therapy (CPT).  

Your suffering comes from unresolved trauma overlaying the beautiful, healthy You underneath.  It is 100% possible to clear out everything inside that is currently making you unhappy.  You only need to take the first step, and keep going.

In my understanding and experience, traumatic imprints last across lifetimes, so you might as well deal with it now and find the joy trapped underneath.  It is there, however incredulous you may be about it being there.

If you're in the US, here's one link to resources for finding therapists.  IFS therapists can be found here.

Good luck, brother! Contact me if you have any questions.
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01-17-2018, 06:50 PM, (This post was last modified: 07-01-2018, 01:56 AM by 777.)
#23
RE: Vent (Trigger warning)
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01-17-2018, 07:34 PM,
#24
RE: Vent (Trigger warning)
(01-17-2018, 06:50 PM)777 Wrote:  I'm going to try to get on meds and give life one last shot.

If that doesn't work, I'm making arrangements to join a Buddhist monastery. I think it's a good alternative to suicide.

That sounds extraordinary! The complete shift in consciousness that you've just made, holy ****!
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01-17-2018, 08:08 PM, (This post was last modified: 02-10-2018, 06:12 PM by 777.)
#25
RE: Vent (Trigger warning)
Delete.
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01-17-2018, 08:33 PM, (This post was last modified: 01-17-2018, 08:34 PM by Sprout.)
#26
RE: Vent (Trigger warning)
I wish you luck brother/sister, please don't leave us. You have such an amazing tale to tell us of your story yet to unfold. Be strong.
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01-17-2018, 08:35 PM, (This post was last modified: 01-17-2018, 08:37 PM by Elros.)
#27
RE: Vent (Trigger warning)
Although all on earth I think we all are in quite different worlds oftentimes.

The only place I'd be able to know how it is to be in your shoes is right in them and even then I'd probably be confused at how to deal it.

You really remind me of a few people in my life I've really wished I could have lifted their fate but came to accept I am not the key to everything and as I go I try to offer the tools that I have and better my ability to learn/teach and teach/learn. Something I've realized times and times again was that direction matter. To balance how you feel you need a strong direction in your mind as to how you want to feel about things and each time a feeling or thought surface you need to remind yourself of this direction and balance the emotions and thoughts toward it. If you have no direction then you think and feel aimlessly allowing all external factors to either uplift you or drown you as they will through the energy and ideas you've absorbed from there. I think the Law of One teaches us that we are the potential of all we see; we're the potential of everything we admire, everything we despite and everything we don't care about, all the dreams you have and the dreams you don't even share, all of the achievements and the failures. To acknowledge yourself as potential does not mean you should be able to realize any one single objective now form where you are and instead that in your basic nature as free potential you don't hold expectations enough you literally can be each and every thing. That's the root of your transformation power, acceptance of all potentials your mind can think of because otherwise you are rejecting your more fundamental nature to remain stuck in your paradoxes which are your prison of unwellness.
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01-17-2018, 10:11 PM,
#28
RE: Vent (Trigger warning)
(01-17-2018, 08:08 PM)777 Wrote:  
(01-17-2018, 07:34 PM)Sprout Wrote:  
(01-17-2018, 06:50 PM)777 Wrote:  I'm going to try to get on meds and give life one last shot.

If that doesn't work, I'm making arrangements to join a Buddhist monastery. I think it's a good alternative to suicide.

That sounds extraordinary! The complete shift in consciousness that you've just made, holy ****!

I still feel fucking horrible to be honest.

This morning something else went wrong. I've been contemplating a plan to lift me out of poverty for weeks, and it failed. Instead of deciding to kill myself, I waited for the panic attack to subside and called some monasteries for information on becoming a monastic.

I have an assessment to try to get meds despite being uninsured tomorrow. So I'm going to at least try that before leaving the world everyone else is in.

But I still feel total bitterness and regret.

Meds, monk, or suicide?
They are all ultimatums it seems you are laying out for us to see that you’ve made for your self. Obviously, none of us here want you to commit suicide. Most here will likely lean towards meds for you, myself I feel the monk option is the least harmful of the three for you, but I only know you based on words on a forum.

That said, backing your self into a corner , “it’s this or suicide” or “All of my happiness and sanity eggs are in the ‘get out of poverty’ basket” is not an example of wise thinking. Remember , you are not in control of most of life’s circumstances, but you ARE required to react to them. We are all trying to learn that we are just learning here....
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01-18-2018, 05:47 AM,
#29
RE: Vent (Trigger warning)
Sometimes giving myself an ultimatum is me giving myself my own lessons.

It's aggravating how hard it is to live...
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01-27-2018, 02:51 AM, (This post was last modified: 07-01-2018, 01:56 AM by 777.)
#30
RE: Vent (Trigger warning)
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