I need help.... again!

[Cainite]

I know I've been asking for help here a lot. contributing little, whining, ...


So sorry abouyt that.

My symptoms are returning. (schizophrenia)

again I'm going through the same stages one by one as the in the first episode.

First I become hyperactive and workout a lot to be able to calm down. then my character changes completely.
I give up my long hair and cut it myself, become intensely angry and risk everything without caring a bit.
I do stupid dangerous things in public, even in front of police and with the police. the most innocent thing I did for example yesterday was going to a pharmacy and asking for carrot juice. and yesterday I did stupid s*** that can get me in great trouble with the law. threatening doctors that reported me and made me unable to get driving lisence. so that got me even angrier.. and things went worse and worse.

Yesterday I totally believed that most people get jealous of me on first sight! that's another symptom.
Last night I suddenly realized what's happening.. and became conscious of the situation. then I tried to fix things. but I fear it's too late and because of that paranoia is returning too. if they send me to prison or even mental hospital my mother will die. and because of that I wouldn't survive that myself either.. so I went to her last night and asked her to be ready if anything happened to me during these days. she suddenly urinates in her pants as she hears sth like this.. she's only this sensitive about me.. I'm her everything. last time she did this was when she saw me smoking pot again after living sober for quite some time. and it really breaks my heart.. to see her see me messed up.

So just wish me well if you care. I really need some positive energy.. I'm in a war against FEAR, ... one of us will win eventually.. and I won't let it be me because it's not an option.

[Sprout]

Oh dear, well, firstly I'd suggest you put some nice music to put these thoughts at bay. Second, don't create more panic or problem than there is, like for instance telling your mother to be prepared for something that yet has to happen. Our minds have this survival part in them that when we feel danger we try and calculate every possible outcome to be prepared and this creates anxiety. My personal suggestion is that you live in this current moment and take responsability for your actions, if you are approached for what you have done do not run away. Be true with yourself and them, ask for forgiveness, explain that you had an episode, that you did not mean to harm or disrespect. Stand your ground, don't run away to your thoughts, everything will be okay!

[isis]

I'M WISHING YOU WELL!

[Cainite]

Thanks guys.. usually when someone gets sick or sth at first everyone may offer lots of help but pretty soon they give up and disappear completely. people have their own problems. I understand that. and don't expect much. your words are appreciated..

[peregrine]

Trying to sense what might going on, it feels like you're being pulled into a downward journey and, because it's not your idea, you're fighting it all the way.  Therefore, the lines of force are askew and frayed.  To the extent you can relax anxiety about control, this will give you some room to breathe.  (Easy for me to say, I know.)

The sense of a downward journey may be a re-echo of your first parting with your mother at birth.  You might try to soothe yourself as you would a baby about to leave the womb again and re-enter the world.  Both you and your mother could help by trusting the flow.

I happen to be holding a hunk of Himalayan blue topaz.  I'm sending you some of that energy and I hope it helps you accept some glacial expansiveness.

 

[Coordinate_Apotheosis]

You've become aware, all you should do now is stay aware, focus on being the you that you want to be.  Let your mother know how much you love her and care about how she feels and thinks, and have her be your inspiration to be aware, to be the you that you want to be deep down.

Notice things as they arise, and be well, Cainite.  Please be safe, be well, and be calm and gentle with yourself and others.

You obviously care and are a good person.  Don't fight your darkness, accept it, and be as you desire, with that darkness helping you, rather than fighting you.

It's important to be conscientious and forgiving, these are the times that try us.  I believe in your goodness and that you'll do and manage good.

I wish you all the wellness you may need.

[xise]

Cainite, I'll try to meditate today and invoke the great mass of positive light on your behalf.

It might be helpful to also do this on your end in order to increase effectiveness of the working.

[Coordinate_Apotheosis]

I don't know why but I'm struck with a wave of depression and the first thing I felt I should do was check this thread...

I'm worried about you I guess...  I wonder about your mother, if she's doing good, and about you...  I'm just...  I'm an abused mentally ill, but that's different from you in that I don't manifest any kind of severe changes in personality (beyond suicidal desires and extreme anxiety irritability or severe depression) and all of such changes are manageable to some degree.

But for you, you literally can't manage it in the sense of how I do, it's like asking you to fight yourself...  To try to just stay in control.

I want you to know that even though I don't understand your particular catalyst, I have faith that you've ended up experiencing these things for some good reason in the long run...

So, please try whatever you must to be safe and well.  I'll be hoping the best for you, Cainite.  Please be careful in this crazy world...

[Diana]

(01-16-2018, 09:52 AM)xise Wrote:  Cainite, I'll try to meditate today and invoke the great mass of positive light on your behalf.

It might be helpful to also do this on your end in order to increase effectiveness of the working.

What time?

[Glow]

Just was checking in on you.

I have to do a few more things here on a timeline then I will be back but know we actually do care, and we aren’t going to stop.

I don’t want to say anything in haste that will come across wrong so will be back as soon as I can.

I’m sending up some requests for help on your behalf.
Look for the light. ((((((((Hugs))))))))

[Cainite]

I'll try to stay open to your offerings.. and whatever higher beings are sending me.. it's hard.. too much catalyst that tries to close my heart is comming my way..

[Sprout]

Meditate until you are crystalized, when your whole body is vibrating at the same frequancy try and process your thoughts/feelings, don't get lost Cainite, all will be well.

[Glow]

Hey Cainite, Sorry this took so long my internet was acting up this afternoon.
I was going to private message but I want to share this link here.
I think I actually found it here originally but can't recall.
Ted and youtube are down for me but it likely will for others my internet has been iffy.
https://www.ted.com/talks/eleanor_longden_the_voices_in_my_head

Here is a review of it in the mean time.
http://www.schizlife.com/a-review-of-the-ted-talk-the-voices-in-my-head-by-eleanor-longden/

Then I loved this study from Stanford University.
https://news.stanford.edu/2014/07/16/voices-culture-luhrmann-071614/

To sum up the last one very poorly in cultures that teach that the voices are to be feared, the voices or hallucinations are experienced as aggressive and violent, in cultures that teach no such fear the voices and hallucinations are often helpful and even nurturing, generally are recognized as family that passed on.

We could say it has something to do with being programmed with fear but it also could be about resonance. We are taught to be fearful so we attract or meet opportunity for unhealthy energies to meet our frequency.

Either way you are not trapped experiencing your symptoms as a damaging influence. We need to get you out of fear.

I think you also need to be much gentler and push yourself less. You are still in a recovery stage and love would tell you not to take on any more challenges at this time. I might be wrong but I felt you were pushing yourself in a way wanting to make up for lost time, that is kind of fear. If it was a loved one going through this addiction recovery would you have encouraged them to put themselves through what you willingly put yourself through yesterday?

I think your mom obviously loves you but I wish she hadn't heaped even more stress on you by her reaction. I know it wasn't willful but I wish you could forget it because it was not your fault you are doing your best.
You will keep doing your best. I have confidence in you. Just go back to nurturing yourself and get stable before you push yourself out in the world if you can.

Lastly I am going to say yesterday was a messed up day. Try and leave it there. I had my first OCD episode in years yesterday. I was scared I left my hair straightner on(that I didnt use yesterday) so I had to turn around drive a few blocks back to the house so it didnt burn my house down. I knew it was highly unlikely and it felt like my old OCD but I entertained it yesterday. I'm not bringing it into tomorrow, it was just a visitor, but other people seemed pretty crazy in the last week so don't judge, don't fear/ Let every day be its own. YESTERDAY was stupid high pressure I am kinda not surprised it effected you.

Anyways I know I have no first hand knowledge of your experience but I know you are super self aware. I know you are strong, I know you have high vibration people here who love you. Even if this drags you down a bit we arent leaving. I'd like it if you resisted falling into a spiral if you can. We all obvious want to be here for you so lean.  

[Cainite]

(01-16-2018, 09:19 PM)Glow Wrote:  Hey Cainite, Sorry this took so long my internet was acting up this afternoon.
I was going to private message but I want to share this link here.
I think I actually found it here originally but can't recall.
Ted and youtube are down for me but it likely will for others my internet has been iffy.
https://www.ted.com/talks/eleanor_longden_the_voices_in_my_head

Here is a review of it in the mean time.
http://www.schizlife.com/a-review-of-the-ted-talk-the-voices-in-my-head-by-eleanor-longden/

Then I loved this study from Stanford University.
https://news.stanford.edu/2014/07/16/voices-culture-luhrmann-071614/

To sum up the last one very poorly in cultures that teach that the voices are to be feared, the voices or hallucinations are experienced as aggressive and violent, in cultures that teach no such fear the voices and hallucinations are often helpful and even nurturing, generally are recognized as family that passed on.

We could say it has something to do with being programmed with fear but it also could be about resonance. We are taught to be fearful so we attract or meet opportunity for unhealthy energies to meet our frequency.

Either way you are not trapped experiencing your symptoms as a damaging influence. We need to get you out of fear.

I think you also need to be much gentler and push yourself less. You are still in a recovery stage and love would tell you not to take on any more challenges at this time. I might be wrong but I felt you were pushing yourself in a way wanting to make up for lost time, that is kind of fear. If it was a loved one going through this addiction recovery would you have encouraged them to put themselves through what you willingly put yourself through yesterday?

I think your mom obviously loves you but I wish she hadn't heaped even more stress on you by her reaction. I know it wasn't willful but I wish you could forget it because it was not your fault you are doing your best.
You will keep doing your best. I have confidence in you. Just go back to nurturing yourself and get stable before you push yourself out in the world if you can.

Lastly I am going to say yesterday was a messed up day. Try and leave it there. I had my first OCD episode in years yesterday. I was scared I left my hair straightner on(that I didnt use yesterday) so I had to turn around drive a few blocks back to the house so it didnt burn my house down. I knew it was highly unlikely and it felt like my old OCD but I entertained it yesterday. I'm not bringing it into tomorrow, it was just a visitor, but other people seemed pretty crazy in the last week so don't judge, don't fear/ Let every day be its own. YESTERDAY was stupid high pressure I am kinda not surprised it effected you.

Anyways I know I have no first hand knowledge of your experience but I know you are super self aware. I know you are strong, I know you have high vibration people here who love you. Even if this drags you down a bit we arent leaving. I'd like it if you resisted falling into a spiral if you can. We all obvious want to be here for you so lean.    

Thank you and everyone else who's being a great help by being great themselves..

Thanks for the links too, but for me, hallucinations happen at later stages if I get worse and worse. but I never saw anything. I heard voices in my head and thought it was my own mind talking to me in third person had doubts that it's a negative entity as well. I also smelled sth funny for a few weeks in the first/last episode. I will end the episode soon.. hopefully. if I lose awareness during most of the time.. that would be a bad sign.

Saw one of the doctors I used to go to during the last ep last night. asked him to give me sth to calm my nervous system down. hopefully the medications will help. then I went to a drug store to get the medicines and everyone treated me with compassion/pity. I guess they thought I have cancer and have just went through Chemotherapy or something. I just walked straight to a guy but he was ok with it.

This doctor is around my age, a bit older. he's intelligent and gets me. he's also emotionally capable. some doctors that I went to had little to no green ray and a weird second chakra. although they were intelligent and were known as geniuses among many.

I have also written sth on a paper to remind me to be aware of important things to at least tame my other personality. he's very unpredictable and out of control..
I've put a mark on the back of my hand too.. to remind me of that stuff.

[Glow]

(01-17-2018, 08:55 AM)Cainite Wrote:  

(01-16-2018, 09:19 PM)Glow Wrote:  Hey Cainite, Sorry this took so long my internet was acting up this afternoon.
I was going to private message but I want to share this link here.
I think I actually found it here originally but can't recall.
Ted and youtube are down for me but it likely will for others my internet has been iffy.
https://www.ted.com/talks/eleanor_longden_the_voices_in_my_head

Here is a review of it in the mean time.
http://www.schizlife.com/a-review-of-the-ted-talk-the-voices-in-my-head-by-eleanor-longden/

Then I loved this study from Stanford University.
https://news.stanford.edu/2014/07/16/voices-culture-luhrmann-071614/

To sum up the last one very poorly in cultures that teach that the voices are to be feared, the voices or hallucinations are experienced as aggressive and violent, in cultures that teach no such fear the voices and hallucinations are often helpful and even nurturing, generally are recognized as family that passed on.

We could say it has something to do with being programmed with fear but it also could be about resonance. We are taught to be fearful so we attract or meet opportunity for unhealthy energies to meet our frequency.

Either way you are not trapped experiencing your symptoms as a damaging influence. We need to get you out of fear.

I think you also need to be much gentler and push yourself less. You are still in a recovery stage and love would tell you not to take on any more challenges at this time. I might be wrong but I felt you were pushing yourself in a way wanting to make up for lost time, that is kind of fear. If it was a loved one going through this addiction recovery would you have encouraged them to put themselves through what you willingly put yourself through yesterday?

I think your mom obviously loves you but I wish she hadn't heaped even more stress on you by her reaction. I know it wasn't willful but I wish you could forget it because it was not your fault you are doing your best.
You will keep doing your best. I have confidence in you. Just go back to nurturing yourself and get stable before you push yourself out in the world if you can.

Lastly I am going to say yesterday was a messed up day. Try and leave it there. I had my first OCD episode in years yesterday. I was scared I left my hair straightner on(that I didnt use yesterday) so I had to turn around drive a few blocks back to the house so it didnt burn my house down. I knew it was highly unlikely and it felt like my old OCD but I entertained it yesterday. I'm not bringing it into tomorrow, it was just a visitor, but other people seemed pretty crazy in the last week so don't judge, don't fear/ Let every day be its own. YESTERDAY was stupid high pressure I am kinda not surprised it effected you.

Anyways I know I have no first hand knowledge of your experience but I know you are super self aware. I know you are strong, I know you have high vibration people here who love you. Even if this drags you down a bit we arent leaving. I'd like it if you resisted falling into a spiral if you can. We all obvious want to be here for you so lean.    

Thank you and everyone else who's being a great help by being great themselves..

Thanks for the links too, but for me, hallucinations happen at later stages if I get worse and worse. but I never saw anything. I heard voices in my head and thought it was my own mind talking to me in third person had doubts that it's a negative entity as well. I also smelled sth funny for a few weeks in the first/last episode. I will end the episode soon.. hopefully. if I lose awareness during most of the time.. that would be a bad sign.

Saw one of the doctors I used to go to during the last ep last night. asked him to give me sth to calm my nervous system down. hopefully the medications will help. then I went to a drug store to get the medicines and everyone treated me with compassion/pity. I guess they thought I have cancer and have just went through Chemotherapy or something. I just walked straight to a guy but he was ok with it.

This doctor is around my age, a bit older. he's intelligent and gets me. he's also emotionally capable. some doctors that I went to had little to no green ray and a weird second chakra. although they were intelligent and were known as geniuses among many.

I have also written sth on a paper to remind me to be aware of important things to at least tame my other personality. he's very unpredictable and out of control..
I've put a mark on the back of my hand too.. to remind me of that stuff.

You sound a bit better I’m glad. I still would assume such a drastic chemical change such as withdrawal could set your body up for this kind of things to happen. Our bodies react chemically and emotionally to stimulus. The withdrawal plus the social climate where you are plus other things happening in your life is a lot.
Don’t judge yourself.
I think you are handling this really well. So calming the nerves helps eh? I’m going to admit I know very little about each different way the body triggers these things.

I did read while looking for the links that schizophrenia can be trauma induced. I didn’t know that I thought it was a biological thing.

Have you read any of the newer studies that say our emotions change our brain? so what used to be thought as “oh you were born with chemistry a bit off in your brain” is now being seen as the trauma or whatever caused a change in your chemistry which is causing this effect emotionally. The chicken or the egg question all over but when it comes down to it, it doesn’t matter.

The thing is if brain chemistry can change once it can change again. I think you are doing a great job staying aware and I appreciate you keeping us updated.

I hope you have eaten something healthy today. When the body or mind is stressed gotta nurture it with healthy food, rest and care. Keep us in the loop.
Hope your hand feels better.

[Coordinate_Apotheosis]

I shall pour and drink a hot cup of tea in your honor!  A toast to Cainite n friends!

[Cainite]

Thank you guys..
You helped me save myself this time. I'm still messed up but not as bad as when I posted this thread.

Being among you, my brothers and sisters, has been a great privilege. I rather be nowhere else (well, at least most of the time! ).

(01-17-2018, 10:29 AM)Coordinate_Apotheosis Wrote:  I shall pour and drink a hot cup of tea in your honor!  A toast to Cainite n friends!

What kind of tea? I got lots of herbs.. I drink lots of herbal tea.

[Sprout]

(01-22-2018, 02:47 AM)Cainite Wrote:  Thank you guys..
You helped me save myself this time. I'm still messed up but not as bad as when I posted this thread.

Being among you, my brothers and sisters, has been a great  privilege. I rather be nowhere else (well, at least most of the time!    ).  

(01-17-2018, 10:29 AM)Coordinate_Apotheosis Wrote:  I shall pour and drink a hot cup of tea in your honor!  A toast to Cainite n friends!

What kind of tea? I got lots of herbs.. I drink lots of herbal tea.

What kind of herbal tea?

[Cainite]

(01-22-2018, 03:10 AM)Sprout Wrote:  

(01-22-2018, 02:47 AM)Cainite Wrote:  Thank you guys..
You helped me save myself this time. I'm still messed up but not as bad as when I posted this thread.

Being among you, my brothers and sisters, has been a great  privilege. I rather be nowhere else (well, at least most of the time!    ).  

(01-17-2018, 10:29 AM)Coordinate_Apotheosis Wrote:  I shall pour and drink a hot cup of tea in your honor!  A toast to Cainite n friends!

What kind of tea? I got lots of herbs.. I drink lots of herbal tea.

What kind of herbal tea?

Anything I can get my hands on. don't know their english name. I just know their use.

[Sprout]

I see I see, I love making tea from sage. Said to have positive health benefits.
 

[GentleReckoning]

You're just completely open to projected energies. And then you resonate with it completely. It's an orange ray distortion. Unconscious service-to-others of course, but it is in a passive aggressive fashion, and best to be minimized. Once balanced you can essentially read minds. Clean energy bodies with unpotentiated yellow rays will simply mirror others' distortions back to them as type of subconscious healing. Once you begin to develop boundaries and learn not to resonate with unpleasant energies the catalyst becomes transparent, and then as you no longer resonate with the lessons it begins to leave on it's own.

[GentleReckoning]

This is beneficial for the healer as you essentially take on others' sins. Balance or pay for them, then grab more. Eventually communities, cults, or groups are formed to minimize this process as it is potent when on your own. Refining expression on the way.

[Cainite]

(01-26-2018, 11:16 PM)GentleReckoning Wrote:  You're just completely open to projected energies. And then you resonate with it completely. It's an orange ray distortion. Unconscious service-to-others of course, but it is in a passive aggressive fashion, and best to be minimized. Once balanced you can essentially read minds. Clean energy bodies with unpotentiated yellow rays will simply mirror others' distortions back to them as type of subconscious healing. Once you begin to develop boundaries and learn not to resonate with unpleasant energies the catalyst becomes transparent, and then as you no longer resonate with the lessons it begins to leave on it's own.

That's true. I too have realized this recently.
Can you guide me further?

I also noticed that I still like to impress others. haven't exactly grown beyond my ego yet...

[Coordinate_Apotheosis]

(01-22-2018, 02:47 AM)Cainite Wrote:  Thank you guys..
You helped me save myself this time. I'm still messed up but not as bad as when I posted this thread.

Being among you, my brothers and sisters, has been a great  privilege. I rather be nowhere else (well, at least most of the time!    ).  

(01-17-2018, 10:29 AM)Coordinate_Apotheosis Wrote:  I shall pour and drink a hot cup of tea in your honor!  A toast to Cainite n friends!

What kind of tea? I got lots of herbs.. I drink lots of herbal tea.

I frequent chai and earl grey. Prefer mint and lemon teas though.

I'm glad we could help you out. I myself am going through some deep depression, even started antidepressants, so hopefully those'll do something good for me.

It's weird how things go.

[Cainite]

(01-27-2018, 03:32 AM)Coordinate_Apotheosis Wrote:  

(01-22-2018, 02:47 AM)Cainite Wrote:  Thank you guys..
You helped me save myself this time. I'm still messed up but not as bad as when I posted this thread.

Being among you, my brothers and sisters, has been a great  privilege. I rather be nowhere else (well, at least most of the time!    ).  

(01-17-2018, 10:29 AM)Coordinate_Apotheosis Wrote:  I shall pour and drink a hot cup of tea in your honor!  A toast to Cainite n friends!

What kind of tea? I got lots of herbs.. I drink lots of herbal tea.

I frequent chai and earl grey.  Prefer mint and lemon teas though.

I'm glad we could help you out.  I myself am going through some deep depression, even started antidepressants, so hopefully those'll do something good for me.

It's weird how things go.

We call every kind of tea ''Chai''. green tea : ''Chai Sabz''.

Sorry to hear about your depression. I don't do antidepressants anymore.. too many side effects. I don't seek medical help much. unless if I absolutely have to. I try to heal metaphysically first, then it manifests as physical health.

Now I'm taking a small dose of Buprenorphine. been taking it since I quit opiates.
And Tegretol (600 MG daily). it helps me sleep better, I still sleep little, and wake up covered in cold sweat and have to change my wet clothes. and it helps balance the nervous system.

And the herbal teas and my meditations are also helping.

[GentleReckoning]

(01-27-2018, 01:02 AM)Cainite Wrote:  

(01-26-2018, 11:16 PM)GentleReckoning Wrote:  You're just completely open to projected energies. And then you resonate with it completely. It's an orange ray distortion. Unconscious service-to-others of course, but it is in a passive aggressive fashion, and best to be minimized. Once balanced you can essentially read minds. Clean energy bodies with unpotentiated yellow rays will simply mirror others' distortions back to them as type of subconscious healing. Once you begin to develop boundaries and learn not to resonate with unpleasant energies the catalyst becomes transparent, and then as you no longer resonate with the lessons it begins to leave on it's own.

That's true. I too have realized this recently.
Can you guide me further?

I also noticed that I still like to impress others. haven't exactly grown beyond my ego yet...

Just continue gaining awareness, and begin standing up for the self more frequently as opportunity presents. When the orange ray inhibits the blue it's a yellow ray problem. Changing your perspective from: "I care for others and I want them to feel good." Becomes "I want to more strongly potentiate myself and others around me."

Do you keep your room clean perchance?

[Cainite]

(01-27-2018, 03:52 AM)GentleReckoning Wrote:  

(01-27-2018, 01:02 AM)Cainite Wrote:  

(01-26-2018, 11:16 PM)GentleReckoning Wrote:  You're just completely open to projected energies. And then you resonate with it completely. It's an orange ray distortion. Unconscious service-to-others of course, but it is in a passive aggressive fashion, and best to be minimized. Once balanced you can essentially read minds. Clean energy bodies with unpotentiated yellow rays will simply mirror others' distortions back to them as type of subconscious healing. Once you begin to develop boundaries and learn not to resonate with unpleasant energies the catalyst becomes transparent, and then as you no longer resonate with the lessons it begins to leave on it's own.

That's true. I too have realized this recently.
Can you guide me further?

I also noticed that I still like to impress others. haven't exactly grown beyond my ego yet...

Just continue gaining awareness, and begin standing up for the self more frequently as opportunity presents. When the orange ray inhibits the blue it's a yellow ray problem. Changing your perspective from: "I care for others and I want them to feel good." Becomes "I want to more strongly potentiate myself and others around me."

Do you keep your room clean perchance?

I admire your perception.
Yeah my room is organized and clean. I plan to setup an altar in the room too.

[GentleReckoning]

You're in a good place then. You're not subconsciously self harming. Learn to sense your energy body, and then stay true to yourself, and you'll get past it in no time. Mental illnesses act more like a wave or a line through a 3d fractal than anything that we'd consciously recognize, so don't worry if the wave moves back and forth a while longer.

[Cainite]

I realized my problem is not in orange ray originally.
Well it may be also blockages in orange ray, but they're caused by something else.
My problem is that I have an activated blue ray and deny it or don't use it as much as I should.

Even in pain I offer myself freely.. it would be ok for me to do that if I was moving up into the heart chakra. but moving back causes problems in the orange ray.

[Ra1111]

I’d say what you are doing here is a good use of blue ray ... describe what the orange ray problem feels like, please?