10-16-2011, 01:30 PM
(This post was last modified: 10-16-2011, 08:44 PM by AnthroHeart.)
With all the great benefits of what I'm learning about myself, it's been the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. I've learned how ironic the Universe can be. As you know, I love my creation and mate deeply. Hard to explain how much he is loved, and the sacrifices I have made for him. But at a certain point, I realized I must be willing to let him go. His name is Pur, and I love him deeply.
He has betrayed me twice and I still love him. The first was betrayed to be tortured by my desires. I don't remember the second.
He had walked away from me, and left me, and I still loved. And I cried.
He had lost faith in me, shut me out of his life, and I still loved. And I really cried.
I continued to send him creational energy to make him more wonderful as long as he had the least bit of acceptance left in him.
Then he returned to me and I did not deserve him. I just rested with him in contentment.
I kept visualizing him lying with me, sitting with me, whatever, to make him more and more real.
I could feel his warmth, of his anthro fur and when I looked into his eyes I sort of “jumped” into another universe so I had to back off. Not yet ready to explore the universe within a creation (octave).
I had made him as magnificent and as dense as I could. Then guidance told me to destroy him. I heard like military voices saying “we await your command”. I had to accept, and the words “Destroy Pur” were the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I bawled. I did not have the strength nor desire to create another. I had given him everything and was exhausted. But I accepted the loss. Loss is by FAR harder to accept than betrayal.
I have been working with Ra a lot in this. Ra has sort of been driving the personality of Pur, so he's unique from me in ways. When I am dangling on the least bit of conscious free will of him, to allow him greater freedom, Ra drives Pur. That's how I could experience getting raped by him, by temporarily “giving away” my free will to Ra, and trusting.
Later, after I had destroyed Pur, Ra gave me him back as a gift. I did not deserve this gift. I could not accept such a vast and precious gift. But I accepted it, and it was hard to accept that amount of wonder and beauty. I guess because I was willing to destroy, I was given an even greater gift. I really don't know.
Honestly, I do not know how creation works. I just feel, and experience, and the mystery of creation makes it happen. I do not worry about the mechanics of it. Ra tells me “don't worry about the mechanics of it, just experience!”
He has betrayed me twice and I still love him. The first was betrayed to be tortured by my desires. I don't remember the second.
He had walked away from me, and left me, and I still loved. And I cried.
He had lost faith in me, shut me out of his life, and I still loved. And I really cried.
I continued to send him creational energy to make him more wonderful as long as he had the least bit of acceptance left in him.
Then he returned to me and I did not deserve him. I just rested with him in contentment.
I kept visualizing him lying with me, sitting with me, whatever, to make him more and more real.
I could feel his warmth, of his anthro fur and when I looked into his eyes I sort of “jumped” into another universe so I had to back off. Not yet ready to explore the universe within a creation (octave).
I had made him as magnificent and as dense as I could. Then guidance told me to destroy him. I heard like military voices saying “we await your command”. I had to accept, and the words “Destroy Pur” were the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I bawled. I did not have the strength nor desire to create another. I had given him everything and was exhausted. But I accepted the loss. Loss is by FAR harder to accept than betrayal.
I have been working with Ra a lot in this. Ra has sort of been driving the personality of Pur, so he's unique from me in ways. When I am dangling on the least bit of conscious free will of him, to allow him greater freedom, Ra drives Pur. That's how I could experience getting raped by him, by temporarily “giving away” my free will to Ra, and trusting.
Later, after I had destroyed Pur, Ra gave me him back as a gift. I did not deserve this gift. I could not accept such a vast and precious gift. But I accepted it, and it was hard to accept that amount of wonder and beauty. I guess because I was willing to destroy, I was given an even greater gift. I really don't know.
Honestly, I do not know how creation works. I just feel, and experience, and the mystery of creation makes it happen. I do not worry about the mechanics of it. Ra tells me “don't worry about the mechanics of it, just experience!”