My one place to share my thoughts, mostly on my personal experience.
Oppression is infinite; and other stuff
Published by B61zz13 on November 6, 2016 3:12am. Category: Journal Entry
Took a nap this afternoon, from the lack of sleep last night.
First dream: I was in my car, trying to get a particular passenger to come in. However, a stranger that I don't know gets inside or attempts to get inside the car. I start to freak out, and for some reason, I'm sitting in the back seat, where the intruder is trying to come in from. He's not being violent or being rough about it, but it sets my alarm off. I can't see the man's face, because the light from the sun is blocking my view to some extent.
I don't know what to garnish from this, but this dream woke me up and kinda freaked me out. I liked that it freaked me out haha. It kinda tickles my brain in a funny way. I tried to go back to sleep and then I had another dream...
...which I totally forget the details to. I had them remembered earlier today, but it was somewhat fleeting.
Okay, so about oppression... I'm currently reading the novel The Flamethrowers for my English class. There's a ton of forms of oppression exemplified, from women being raped, to men being used as working slaves with little to no benefit, to name the extremes. Socioeconomic tension and struggles are the main What's interesting is that there are groups within the novel that are male-dominated and are supposed to stand for the injustices in society done by "The Man" and "Those Pigs" (story takes places around the mid 1970s). Although some of these groups do partake in noble and positive acts of charity, they do see women as subclass citizens, never being an active member of the group and serving as “bed mates, janitors, and maids” to paraphrase it.
However, there are a lot more examples of oppression that come across as subtle and intangible to human hands. Some of it includes women beating themselves up “for the camera” and rich people looking down upon the lower class. This makes me think that oppression is everywhere, even upon which we cast upon ourselves. I oppress myself certain ways too, everyone does to some extend I would say. However, “oppression” (see, it gets more dull the more you use it) can also be abused in the wrong hands. You throw it around and make yourself a living victim, a martyr, a black hole of pity and woe to be cast upon.
I think my mind is trailing elsewhere, and I can't seem to find any more fruits to toss to this basket. I'll leave things as they are now. All is well, nothing is lost.
Published by B61zz13 on November 4, 2016 11:44pm. Category: Journal Entry
I suppose I should write as a reminder for my "future" self to look back and see the "trends" and patterns that may have some significance for the future. October, overall, has been a quiet time, one that felt like some form of hibernation and moratorium of some sort. I've had quite a number of dreams that I didn't even write down, due to laziness to be honest. I'll summarize some of them, which I can still remember to a great extent:
First dream: I am at someone's backyard, almost looks a lot like my parents' backyard, with me facing the house. There was a young girl in a school uniform talking to a somewhat overweight man. He was white and had a mustache, facial hair of some sort. From what my "dream self" gathered, he was trying to court her, but in a conniving way. I felt like he was pressuring her in an indirect and subtle manner, that I became furious and wanted to take action against his wrongdoings. The girl was somewhat going along with it, but very unsure of herself. I didn't see my "dream self" successfully interfere, but I saw a truck parked inside the house, facing the backyard, which is really weird. It was like an old Toyota van... and then my dream ends there.
Second dream: I can't remember all the details, but this one left a big emotional impact on me. It actually woke me up around 3:36 in the morning (close to that time). Anyways, all I can remember is that there was this mass of black "stuff" that pulsated and sparked some form of red lightning and it was coming to attack me. There was something very sinister about it and I sensed it as a threat.
However, in retrospect, it was not about the black mass that was meaningful, but rather the sense of threat and danger. It was this same primal instinct to want to run and even fight it that makes me think that my subconscious wanted to foreshadow the evens to unfold in the future. Which brings me up to this month, November...
For some odd reason, my thoughts on deactivating my Facebook and other social media pages started to gain traction and become more like a plausible course of action. There was no apparent situation to make me change my attitudes more rapidly, but it was a gradual decision I decided to make... it's just so weird and it still baffles me how the idea just slipped into my mind and came out of my mouth as words, and then manifested into reality. It amazes me more than anything lol.
As early as the last week of October, I decided to “break the mold”, to change my ways and start things anew, so to speak. There were some things that didn't feel as genuine as before, and I felt that it was time to change certain ways and habits for the better, if they were even a problem to begin with. Now, I have trusted the ebb and flow of the Infinite Creator, with being patient and all, and in some ways, the Creator spoke to me again and said, ”now it is time to change gears”.
This month of November is solely dedicated to cut off vices and starting new, positive habits. As I type this, it's 4:33 PM on the clock, a wonderful surprise, a wonderful synchronicity. The vices I wish to cut off are:
Stop watching porn/masturbating
Deactivate/stop visiting social media sites, like Facebook and Snapchat
Limit intake of caffeine to 48 ounces a week, 16 ounces max in one day
My new habits will consist of:
Studying for 2 hours a week, minimum
Talk to parents once a week
Ship 100 books to Amazon this month, minimum
1 random conversation a day
Go to gym 3 times a week, 2 days cardio and AT LEAST 1 weight lifting
It's a bit rough already, my body is rebelling from not watching porn and all that stuff. It does feels good to have more libido and more ways to change that energy into something more constructive. My horizons and visions of my future goals are slowly climbing up as well, and I feel that I may accomplish some big things to come. That's it for now, I'll post more later. I gotta ship a big box of books to UPS before they close. All is well, nothing is lost.
Published by B61zz13 on October 13, 2016 3:45am. Category: Journal Entry
I feel somewhat obligated to write about these recent happenings and the overall “climate” of things, as to remind my future self of anything to keep in mind of. I've been getting more heartburn lately, something that I've rarely dealt with in the past. Seriously, I've barely had any issues with heartburn in the past until these past couple of weeks. I have a good idea for a remedy, which includes eating smaller portions/meals and mixing in some exercise. I found myself instantly relieved after eating this chicken salad and going to the gym and doing cardio. I am gonna try to incorporate more of those healthy habits into my routine...
However, my sleep schedule has been altered in such a way that does make attending class a living nightmare, and is becoming more of a roadblock than anything. I've been sleeping all day and staying up all night... and as much as I used to love being awake at night, I am preferring the opposite now, as now I have my responsibilities aligned with the daytime as opposed to the nighttime.
Another thing that's a new occurrence to me is drooling in my sleep and getting more dreams. I've almost been having at least one dream a night, and I am so compelled to learn more and write them down. I hope I didn't jinx it by mentioning them occurring at a daily rate. I'll be writing them down (or try to) each day. However, the drooling part still baffles me a bit. I will do some research and find out what that may mean hah, just gaining some knowledge as far as my physical standing and whatnot. Here's two dreams that I have had last night:
My first dream: I was walking outside with someone during the nighttime (not sure who it was) and we were happy to see these beautiful auroras going off into the distance of the night sky. I feel like we were close to Pacific Coast Highway, here in San Diego, somewhere along the coast and spectating all of this right by the ocean. The surrounding areas were lit with street lights and a porch light, from whatever building we were coming from. As we were walking closer to what seemed to be the sandy areas of the beach, a couple of snakes slithered perpendicular to us, from east to west. Something was off though, and these snakes were carrying some form of prey, I think. Some form of animal more round and bigger in width but not bigger than maybe a foot and a half, at least. Me and my partner were wondering what the heck was going on, and suddenly, a tiger appears along a small dune of sand that we crossed to our left. Me and my partner decided to hide along the cliffside of the edge of the highway, seeking refuge from the tiger. The tiger seemed like it was searching for something, probably even prey like us. END.
My second dream: I went out on a shooting spree (yeah, quite the change from the last one). As far as my weapon goes, it was some black pistol that uses clips as ammo. I don't remember who I shot or seeing me doing the shooting, but somehow I do believed that I did shoot a couple of people. I then go into this room full of “mentally challenged” women and told them that I was not going to shoot them and that I was going to go out and kill others. I think one of them interjected and said that I should stop, not in a pleading or mournful way, but in a very concerned and sympathetic way. My “self” in the dream then started to having some of these “waking” thoughts and I told myself, “Why am I doing this? I feel like I'm forcing myself to do this.” I felt like at some point, I should surrender... like I should accept the consequences. I didn't continue on my shooting spree after that. END.
As far as my first dream, I “loosely” feel as though the subconscious is telling me to be careful with alluring yourself to what seems physically and even mentally appealing and aesthetic (illusory ideals and perishable items). The snakes could mean the negative aspects of the self coming back to its origin (those which gravitates to the left, or negative) either leaving, while the tiger could mean out of the negative, the positive will return into “the picture” and have a dominating presence in my life. I also notice that this is all going on in the night time, and there's no moon, so my dream self tries to find the self through the light that isn't consistent nor whole, but filled with colors and bending in so many directions. Although my dream self's attitude towards seeking is positive, perhaps the method to go about looking for one's self should be more consistent and have a more efficient means of doing so. Perhaps in trying to find the infinite Creator in 3rd density matters, I find myself creating more hardships than anything. Thus the appearances of the snake and the tiger, which contrast each other greatly, without demeaning the importance of these two figures.
For my second dream, this seems to contrast greatly not just in the elements found in the first dream, but also the very nature of the dream. This dream happened in what appears to be in a snowy and cold setting outside, but also during the day time. Aside from this, my own intuition is telling me that this dream has to do more with the waking self rather than the subconscious self, although the subconscious self IS the one communicating to me during my sleep. I will note that I don't own a gun, nor do I have any personal relations to anyone in the dream, nor do I have murderous intentions. However, I feel as though Q'uo's quote on (paraphrasing) “You have yet to face the murderer, the thief, and the culprit inside of you” kinda resonates with the theme of this poem, and that is to empathize with the darker portions of the self, to acknowledge it and forgive it. I still feel as though there wasn't as much depth into this poem as far as dwelling into the subconscious goes, and I mainly feel that the question of “Why am I doing this? I feel like I'm forcing myself to do this.” is something I would tell myself in waking thought, and so this seems like the type of catalyst I encounter during my waking hours. Nevertheless, it was an interesting dream and I find very much importance in every one of them.
As my suspicions have confirmed based on the past observations I have made in regards to what I have dealt with two years ago, I am also finding myself in a “hibernation” setting again, just like in the Fall of 2014. My mind has been a lot more active and my desire for physical activities and movement has dwindled. I haven't been working that much with spiritual catalyst either, so things have been much quieter and calmer lately. At the most, schoolwork has kept me somewhat busy and I've been sleeping a lot more and craving more food (especially fatty foods and sweets) than ever. My synchronicities having been acknowledging that all has been and is well, and going according to plan. I can deal with this quietness and yet, I feel much more balanced as a whole as opposed to the similar configurations of Fall 2014, where my mind was running much more rampantly and a bit more sporadically. For the most part, I have also learned to breathe a bit more and to relax as well. I'm not so much worried about any upcoming Dark Nights to come, yet if I do think more about it, I think I will get more worried :/
That is all for today. All is well. Take it easy, and love you all.
Every two steps, the summer, and the now (for now)
Published by B61zz13 on September 5, 2016 12:05am. Category: Journal Entry
I've been pondering about this for a good while, and I'm becoming more and more convinced that approximately every two years, I tend to work with similar catalyst and/or go through similar cycles. I don't know, but it feels a lot like what I've dealt with during the summer of August 2014. It was a period of new beginnings, but also painful endings... a time where I was starting college and leaving the military. The fall of 2015 was similar to the fall of 2013, where the end of the suffering of certain relationships have come to and end and dusk was settling in time for a period of rest, yet a very calm and wonderful period of journeying.
Now, this may be all true for now, but I wouldn't be surprised if I somehow 'finished' whatever learning I've had assigned to myself prior to incarnation, and new cycles and catalysts start to appear in a totally new sequence. This is all just about lately, from the past few years that I've experienced. All is subject to change, but all is welcome to be embraced as well.
The summer's been pretty eventful, a lot of driving for Uber and Lyft, traveling around all of San Diego, and just enjoying the company of others and being the best messenger of the Love and Light of the Infinite Creator I can be. And that's honestly the best way I can put it. Nothing too extravagant happened, and even the casual flings I've had were just forgetful and fleeting. But being able to share that portion of the Creator to others is more rewarding and fulfilling than anything. In addition, I've been having more synchronicities with other numbers and words (aside from the mythical 33), such as 11, 22, 44, 53, sometimes 55, 322, "Avalon", and some other phrases I can't think of right now.
Autumn is coming though, and I feel as though certain changes in the overall energy around me are happening. Things take a bit "more effort" to undergo, just like how it was two years ago. It's not as easy to open up the heart like it was during the summer, so there are some unique challenges to face internally. I've put on some weight, especially while driving for Uber (from eating out a lot without working out that much), which I'm sorta trying to cut down by going to the gym. I just don't like the feeling of my gut jiggling every time I walk down the stairs hehe. I get a bit more agitated during the fall at times, so this motivator should be used to the fullest. I've also been trying to understand the patterns of the moon, as well as these "retrogrades" that planets undergo, so I can somewhat prepare in some way for them... Is that even possible? Who knows. Sigh lol.
I guess I'll leave everything else as it is. All is well. Take it easy everyone. :)
P.S.: While rummaging through my old blogs, I found the name of my favorite candle scent from Bath and Body Works: Sparkling Amber! I just ordered one online, because I can't find any of them for sale in the stores themselves. It'll be a nice add-on for the fall season.... even though there isn't much "fall" that goes on in Southern California heh.
Published by B61zz13 on May 10, 2016 7:20am. Category: Journal Entry
Amongst the dark night of the soul (The Purgative Way), amongst the utter confusion and chaotic twilight hour, there begins the purging of the old and unnecessary, the filtering of the dross and dregs of the outer personality, and a cleansing of the soul and impersonal self. What no longer is needed is scorched into dust by the fires, and what is left is tempered by the embers of the athanor, the self being the one to walk into the furnace of transmutation. What felt like a burden to the soul is indeed a blessing hidden in the annals of infinity. The fertile soil shall bear fruit once again, and the seeds shall plant its roots firmly. What seems to repeat continuously is not seen with the same eyes and heart as before, for the self will find itself upwards upon the spiral, in the same place but in a different time and a different approach.
Published by B61zz13 on April 28, 2016 9:17pm. Category: Journal Entry
In the beginning of this month (April), I relapsed into depression. Now, the window between my past episode and this current episode that is coming to a gradual halt was been about 6 months (last one started at October of 2015 and ended around late November of the same year).
The relapse lasted this whole month, and is dwindling down now. I'll follow up with my psychologist in two weeks.
The possible triggers to this relapse was some feelings of failure and just being overwhelmed with things that were not of priority at the time. Another possible trigger is a lack of serotonin release in my brain. Although the latter may be plausible in some direct or indirect manner, I will, once again, pass on the offer of taking medication to control this depression.
There are some balancing issues that I must deal with, and priorities to get fixed.
I'm feeling quite better, but I can feel the lingering scars of the depression over me... I will be careful and accepting, but also forgiving and persistent. That is all. All is as it should be.
Published by B61zz13 on January 3, 2016 7:18pm. Category: Journal Entry
Time and time again I am shown the ever-defining edges that make up the “light” and “dark” side. Time and time again I fall back to the fundamentals of The Choice. Compassion without wisdom is folly, as wisdom without compassion is folly as well. I wouldn’t say that the temptations being presented have been a very strong force upon me, but I have been able to acknowledge their importance in my life in refining my choices and decisions I undertake.
I’ve been working more on my “shadow” aspect of the self lately, working with a stronger emphasis on the self. It’s something that I can “feel” in my own vibration, it’s like a heavy cloak put over me, where I watch the actions of others from a distance, where even my own actions are careful and considerate in regards to their relation to other selves. I’ve been more cautious with my expression of my emotions and the expression of certain thoughts and ideas to my family, most especially.
However, this state of vibration isn’t something that I willingly and actively engage with or force upon myself. It just feels natural. I don’t fight it, nor encourage it. I just allow myself to be. If I am more stoic and less influenced by my emotions, then so be it. If the words and actions of others lack any influence upon me, then so let it be. Everything has its time and place given to me, but I am always mindful that this is a gift from my Creator. To falter to the wayside with such a foolish remark such as, “I am destined to conquer others” because of my current state of vibration.
Well, I think at this point, my mind went off into a tangent. This is something that does happen from time to time, especially while I write these blog entries. I can’t help it. I’m still looking to see if maybe there are some ways to refine my discipline to stay focused on my entries. Then again, doesn’t all play out as it should? I’m not even bothered by it, it’s just a food for thought for the future perhaps.
Published by B61zz13 on December 13, 2015 11:00pm. Category: Journal Entry
I've been retracting back to my ways prior to losing my virginity; approaching a more solipsistic mindset, working on the self more than anything, and just treading onward without much though on anything or anyone else. It's been more of a recap for me lately, reviewing the ways of being myself more and more and being more "selfish". Nothing else seems to "exist" outside of my mind or myself physically. All is well in the end.
It's back to building blocks for me (LEGO blocks here ). I have the options laid out for me, this I know much intuitively. I recall the times that my ex-wife would tell me during and after our marriage that I need to be more "selfish". At first, it came to be something very contradictory to my very own being. Later on though, I started to understand what she meant, even if it was somewhat different to what she was trying to get me to comprehend. In essence, this "selfish" aspect of the self that I was starting to look for came in the form of helping the self in order to better help other selves.
It's a bit different now though. I do focus on myself more than anything, while still being aware of others and accepting them as they are. My form of service only comes with my time and energy and my very being. I do accommodate to serve others as far as I allow myself to bend my back for someone else. However, no longer is it a matter of forcing myself to lend money to others or having to present something physical as the only means of service to others. Like I said, I find my time, my energy, and my very being the only thing I can offer.
I don't worry so much as to having to be of service to others because of the harvest and whatnot anymore. I don't even worry so much anymore as to who comes and goes in my life. However, I do understand that even this "mindset" is a phase that may very well change in the future. Just a few months ago, I was very depressed and acted somewhat clingy to some of my friends. All in all, I can't look at myself and say that this is "Who I really am" because I acknowledge myself as being everything and nothing at the same time. I'm made of all thoughts and emotions that come to mind and heart, while I'm also not defined by these very same things that have aided in my personal evolution.
The challenge now, though, is to continue to seek and serve during these "quiet and serene" moments in life. I'm aware that it is during the winter times that I recover from these depressing summers, every two years at least. Like I said, the options are all open to me, and by options, I mean the forms in which I wish to seek and serve, the means through which I wish to learn and teach, the means to which I wish to discipline myself. I know that a few years ago, I did wish to abandon logic altogether, yet it is a blessing/curse I'll have to live with and utilize efficiently.
Just a few thoughts for the future: Having to swim as my only form of exercise isn't enough. My knee joints and even my hands and shoulders started to ache after my swim session and I did find that my joints are only as strong as the muscles that support it. It is in my best interest that I do find a gym to work out at and strengthen my muscle groups.
I did my financial budgeting for my trip back to Florida. My road trip from California to Florida will cost less than the airplane flight, in which favors my bank account. I will work during the holidays for Lyft and Uber (more than likely more Lyft than Uber) and make some money to sustain myself for books and food. I won't be surprised if my parents, particularly my mom, gets somewhat angry at me for doing so.
Other than that, all is well. Take care. I love you.
Here's a Q'uote that talks about selfishness found in transcript 1988_0918:
Let us look at one more aspect of selfishness before we leave this instrument. It often concerns those who are highly oriented toward service to others that they continually must spend a large amount of time working upon themselves. This is not selfish, my friends, and do not for a minute think that it is selfish to work upon a relationship with yourself, with the creation about you, and with the Creator who made you. If you are to prepare and discipline your personality so that you may be of the maximum amount of service, a hollowing out process takes place, in which the concept of self self as you know it now begins to undergo a change.
Published by B61zz13 on December 3, 2015 1:00am. Category: Journal Entry
Well, it's been a while since I last wrote an entry for my blog, so it's time to catch up! :D
Hehe, well where can I start? I've been busy with homework and things have been pretty mellow for me so far. I notice that I usually do write entries when I'm feeling emotional and somewhat inspired to use writing as an outlet. However, I'm not having that strong desire now, but rather it's just something that's a part of me now, like the process of combining the activity of writing and expressing myself has intertwined with my own being... or something like that.
Anyways, I've been doing research into the effects of shame and guilt just as a personal endeavor to look into for the sake of knowledge itself and to understand myself and others a bit more, as well as an aid for my future career in psychology. I've been also cramming in presentations and projects due for my classes quite a bit last minute (I procrastinated hehe). Just little things here and there for school for the most part.
I've been also messing around with making music and getting back into playing Dota and even trying out League of Legends, despite my stronger allegiance towards Dota. I kinda miss the competitive aspects of, well, competitions. It's fun working with others and trying to fight the odds and feeling that 'masculine' energy surge through me. Making music is rather a tedious process, and I'm just working with it little by little, and getting all the resources available to be able to express what I want to create in a slow, but gradual way. It's fun though, and I know I am going to finish whatever my heart would like to express someday... maybe in a few months, maybe even sooner! (I'm still trying to get Massive and Nexus to work with FL Studio; it's such a pain in the ass!)
Umm, other than that, I think every day has been like recapping a past lesson or covering a different topic. Like one day, it'll involve the strengthening of the will, and another would involve the synchronicities that I perceive and unfold before me. I really like how things are going on that aspect. I just have so much time “spared” that I sit around a lot and end up either taking a nap or letting my thoughts arise and come out to the surface in a contemplative manner. I rarely am bored, no matter how much I sit around.
I am starting to get that feeling like I'm about to get sick or something though, and it usually comes in the form of some “burning feeling” in my nostrils when I inhale beforehand. I usually just drink water, avoid any strong drinks such as alcohol and energy drinks, and just remain calm and don't do anything strenuous or erratic. It works really well and it goes away...but comes back again. Grrr. Still, it's kinda expected, since this is the time that the climate does change and the time of the year when I would get really sick, so I'm just being somewhat more careful.
I've been trying to develop my own little rules of moral code to follow, as a way to strengthen my dedication towards my path to serving others, as well as self-discipline. Some of them include acknowledging another person's presence and not masturbating. I have yet to really sit down and write them all down and formulate a “living” document, but when I do, I will post it here and I will try my darnest to follow suit to it.
I don't know much other than this. School is ending pretty soon and I'll just focus on my finals and getting ready to make my road trip to Florida and see my family. I can't wait for the adventure hehe. Well, I hope everyone is doing well , and have a wonderful day/night. Take it easy everyone, I love you all. Till later :)
Published by B61zz13 on November 19, 2015 7:48pm. Category: Journal Entry
I wonder about the choices I am able to make a lot. I also wonder about the choices that I want to make in my life. There are so many facets and avenues to approach life with. I think about making my favorite genre of music, whether it be one song or dozens. I think about exercising again and swimming more often, just because I enjoyed it a lot, and the way my body felt afterwards and how I felt overall as well. The idea of trying out for MARSOC is still in the back of my mind. The ideas of making cinema-style videos matched with music in the background still fascinates me. The idea of finding empirical information and making my own academic papers from it still entices me as well, and fickles my mind. Even the idea of doing some work with Lyft and Uber again entices me, just to earn some cash again and because it was a job and hobby I enjoyed very much.
Now, there are some things I am doing right now that I do enjoy. I play mobile games on my phone, those being strategic and requiring some thought behind it. It's interesting to note that I play these kinds of games when my mind and emotions are "stable" and not lacking in energy or an imbalance of some sort. Anywho, I do play on the piano, but not as much as before. I do sit alone for several minutes at a time, with or without thoughts that comes to mind, which I do enjoy and honor. I do get ideas for what my snapchats stories are gonna consist of for the day, and find a great story to construct from making these videos and letting the creative side of my mind come out. Also, I enjoy making these blog entries, sometimes out of impulse or because I want to express some thoughts and find some coherence within these sea of words and phrases. I look back and I realized that the amount of writing that I've done has increased substantially, but it took practice and somewhere to start. Which is what I would like to for some of the other "projects" in mind...
I still feel hesitant about undertaking some of the tasks I've already outlined in the beginning. There are some "mini fears" that I am still trying to surmount and at least bargain and work with. Funny, how the whole "denial, bargaining, acceptance,etc." cycle works with not just grief and pain, but also on our daily lives, with the mundane tasks to undertake. I digressed for a bit. I know I hold myself back for certain reasons. These include feeling limited to monetary obligations and the amount of cash I can work with, the amount of homework and projects I have to deal with at school, and the limited amount of knowledge I have mixed in with the huge abundance of possibilities that leaves me somewhat stranded with hardly anywhere to start. Some of these other fears (and some of these are theoretically ingrained deep within me) is the fear of failing again and the fear of having to face past failures and making peace with them. I noticed how I was very hesitant with cleaning my car and driving down to the Uber office... a fear that I had in mind for weeks, as far as I was concerned. Alas, I did muster up and turned in my iPhone I borrowed from Uber and cleaned the inside of my car thoroughly. I felt good after all of that, and yet, I wasn't fully ecstatic by the end result. However, I was more thrilled with the process of getting it accomplished and making the trip down to Miramar. What's funny though is that dopamine is released from anticipation of a reward, and not from the reward itself. It's interesting to know, but I know it's not a game changer.
Well, I suppose I should try to make some sort of negotiations with the goals and desires I want to accomplish and the schoolwork and goals I need to accomplish. I know I do have food (which costs a good amount of money) to bargain with, my sleep time, and ultimately, my time. I think with my time, it will require investing in learning new behaviors, methods, techniques, knowledge, and etc. I know I am willing to start somewhere, whether it be research or improvements on what I already know. "What am I willing to compromise?" This question will never erase from my mind for eternity heh. It's the question that is taking flame deep within the recesses of my mind.
It's more of a tedious process though... like I know I made some big leaps, such as taking 15 units at college, learning to cook, going through these episodes of "depression" with an open heart and a willing to understand and a willing to allow all facets of it and embracing it, and throwing myself at earlier times to present my projects. I'm kinda arrogant, and I know that as I have piled my plate with college work, I know I piled my plate with lessons of life prior to my incarnation here. Maybe it's a lack of appreciation of where I'm at in life right now, in some very subtle way. I'm not sure honestly. Maybe a need to appreciate what I do now is enough. I have a feeling that holds some merit. Even so, I feel as though there are some personal desires that I want to fulfill. The compromise is still ongoing...
I didn't realized how much I've gone through already, or even a slice of it, until I sat here and wrote this entry. I'm humble to have gone through all of these events, even if the feeling is not entirely a burning passion or a smoldering desire. Thank you all for what you do. I love you all. Take care.