I came into this existence as an afterthought. My parents were in severe conflict. I was told when I was 16 by my father that he wished he had forced my mother to terminate the pregnancy. The moment he told me that my first reaction was "yeah, but you didn't. I felt fairly satisfied in saying that. The statement was brought about by my father being a bit chatty and honest when he drank heavily. It was his only time where he could get the poisinous thoughts and words out. I believe my mother suffered from extreme post partum depression. She was violent and has many emotional breakdowns. My sister hid me from her after a particularly nasty breakdown and she was looking for me with a knife.
As is always the case, the illusion seeps in to protect those in the dream. My mother found solace in the LDS religion and a close group of very wonderful Latter-Day Saints. This was where I felt peace to a certain extent. My given name in this go round is Per David. Per is said like "pear," I remember adults making fun of my name and calling me "peach or apple," I hought it odd that adults were so childish and petty on one hand but willing to care and nurture on the other.
The LDS religion, like most religion, has within it's construct a healthy amount of metaphysics and connection to the higher realms. As a child I met a kindly old man and his wife. He told me stories of translating the LDS scripture known as the book of mormon into Hungarian. He traveled to hungary astrally and found names and birth/death dates of family members to perform the ordinances on behalf of the dead. He had many astounding metaphysical experiences that he shared with me. I was 6-8 years old at the time. I was soothed by the words of his experiences.
I had a dream as a child. There were very dark clouds and there was a hurricane like storm. I was in my front yard of my childhood home. I felt a deep sense of "wrongness." I looked in the sky and far above was a craft with lights blinking coming out of the storm. The craft had brought the storm with it. In my mind I immediately knew one of three possibilities. This was a warning. This was the future. This was another present. I told my mother about the dream and she said, "Oh, that was just a nightmare, pay it no attention."
My mother had me when she was 38, I had 5 brothers and sisters. The closest in age to me was 8 years older. When my parents divorced and my mother struggled to find peace, all of my brothers and sisters left to find peace of their own. I was alone with my mother. This was the quiet time where she was able to heal and become the great independant woman she is today in he 80th year in this construct. I could not help but feel abandoned but somehow I felt an ownership over my loneliness. The time I spent alone was useful. I explored my surrounding and my thoughts.
My father in his search for his peace left me a gift. The full set of 1974 World Book/Childcraft Encyclopedias. We had a Black and White television for a while until it stopped working. After that I had no entertainment except reading the books my father had given me. By the time I was 8, I had visually memorized every page. I did it by versioning my way through. First find the picures I liked, Then read about what I liked, Then read about the related subjects and so on. I do not feel like this was anything other than a bored kid finding something to do when I couldnt go to school or play with friends.
In grade 1, I remember 2 people came from a University to ask me questions and show me things. They came to my home 2 times. I still do not have an understanding as to why they came. They both had fear on them when they came to see me and I don't know why. I always thought they were giving me an IQ test to see if I was smart enough to go to school. I have asked my mother about it and she did not give me any more knowledge. She said they were doing a study of some sort and I was one of a bunch of kids they were there to see. I guess that is plausable but I know it is not the whole story.
I have always been highly creative and as stated in my report card from grade 1, I had a deep sense of social justice and fairness. This is where my disconnection with religion stems from. In my mind I could not grasp the concept of sin and the system of redemption and forgiveness under the judgement of someone who called me an "apple," because of my first name. As I grew I saw many of the leaders and teachers in religion doing things that were quite the opposite of the words they professed to believe in. A fundamental concept that has always been unwavering in my experience is Choice. The mormons call it free agency. On one hand they say you have free agency to choose anything you want to do but for your own protection, we will limit your ability to choose the things we have decided are bad. They would tell me what I should think about and If I had thoughts that were contrary, that was evidence of my original sin and why, without their implicit guidance I would spend the rest of eternity doomed to hell. The mormon version of hell is a wee bit different. Hell to them is the lack of ability to progress eternally. I knew that was wrong, but I went with it. It was all I has access to.
I will share something I have never articulated. As a child, and many times through my life, others have looked at me and recognized me. The best description would be seeing someone famous that you have never seen before but you know exactly what they look like. The vibe is always of solemnity and deep respect. When it would happen I would think, that is weird, and brush it off as a random occurance. It is a new thing for me to learn now in my 4th decade. The impressions and vibes, information and memories, emotions and desires I have are not to be minimalized or sloughed off. They are the communications of the One.
I want to finish off this blog entry with a story of lost time. I have never personally seen an alien. The dream I had as a child was as close as I have ever been. As a teenage I lived in a small rural community and would often drive out into the foothills and think as I drove. 99% of the time It was me thinking about girls and why I could not figure them out. I has a little clock next to my faux rocket launcher switch. I clearly remember looking at the clock and noticing the hands witin the hour of 7, roughly 7:30. I turned my car around to drive back home which was a 20 minute drive. The next moment I remember, I was driving into the town and it was 11:15. The lost time I can only guess. The fleeting impression I have is that I very much surprised whoever it was. I have a glimpse of me in a large room with a metal floor. I was untouchable and they had no choice but to acquiesce to my demands. They had made an error. I know I was able to gain much information from them. What that information was has either been already experienced as familiar or is still laying in wait to be accessed. I am unclear on it.
I am joyous to have found The Law of One.
I am a wanderer in the general sense but I have a more specific task. I am a facilitator of change. I was here during the last procession. I remember the madness and the exponential novelty created by the event. We truly wandered in the physical sense. I often wonder if our efforts were in vain and that is why I am still here.
A strange statement to end my first blog entry.
May joy be upon the One.