12-18-2014, 06:09 PM
Hello everyone. I was thinking about being mysterious and seeing if anyone would recognize me, but honest openness seems the better route. I was once on this forum as Ahktu/Brittany. Since my departure, so much has changed within and around me that I would not feel it appropriate to simply raise up that old profile, even if the option were available. I would like to try to present myself from a new perspective, to share a level of myself which was previously hidden beneath many layers of imbalance and uncertainty.
In my nearly 30 years of life, I’ve tried on many spiritual paths. While Christianity, the faith I was raised in, was incredibly hard to break away from, the process seems to have become easier with each experiment in faith. I’ve toured through Wicca, Buddhism and what I would consider to be more general New Age concepts, usually growing dissatisfied and moving on within a year or so. My study of the more structured Western esoteric systems has made a deeper impression, providing the soil for my current personal philosophy, though even these boundaries I have pushed to their limits. In time I have come to see my beliefs as a fluid stream, and given up trying to contain them within any given set of parameters, though each previous set still exists within me in some way.
When I first found the Ra Material, I was dwelling in a well of deep self-hatred. Several years prior I had been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, and then Schizoeffective Disorder, and battling the effects of chronic depression, ongoing psychotic symptoms and medications that provided more harm than help had taken its toll on my ability to see life as a pleasant thing. My erratic behavior had lost me many friends, strained my relationship with my family to its breaking point and ended two serious romantic relationships. I was more than aware of what was being said about me behind my back and I felt wrong, broken, disgusted at myself for being such a freak. My thoughts were bent on suicide and it was only the love of my new boyfriend (who later became my husband) that kept me from taking my life.
To be honest, when I first found it the Ra Material was just a nice distraction. All the talk of aliens and wanderers and densities was exciting, and the thought that some wonderful new world might appear in 2012 was enough to keep myself going. Allowing myself to identify with being an extraterrestrial helped to ease the pain of my human flaws. The idea of psychic attack was also something of a relief, as odd as it might sound, because it allowed me to see my psychosis as something meaningful. Suddenly I wasn’t an effed up human, I was a righteous angelic being being attacked by demons! It was a grand escape, and the actual meat of the material, the real philosophy, was completely lost upon me.
2012 came and went, and no magical aliens descended to take our problems away. After spending several years dedicating myself to serving others, I looked around and realized I was still incredibly unhappy. The self-hatred was still there, and if anything it was getting worse. The world seemed to be going to crap, with so much suffering welling up around humanity, and I felt like no matter what I did, no matter how loving I was, it would never be enough. I spent hours internally criticizing myself for not doing more, for not giving more of myself in service. It seemed like in the end I always wound up being selfish and I stewed in the fear of not making harvest and having to live ANOTHER life of confusion and pain.
I also saw this pain mirrored in many others around me, and seeds of confusion took root in my mind. If this was the positive path, why did those following it seem to bear an especially heavy load of suffering? I understood the “brothers and sisters of sorrow” metaphor to a degree, but honestly, was it really supposed to be THIS bad? I had developed the picture in my mind that reaching positive fourth density equaled a life of perpetual self-sacrifice and misery, all to gain something better in the afterlife, and it struck me...how different was this thinking from the heaven/hell paradigm I’d been raised with? I realized something was very wrong.
Anyone who knew me under my previous profile will remember that I’ve always had an interest in “dark” topics. Even as a child I was fascinated by concepts most adults found morbid and disturbing, and to be honest, my favorite parts of the Ra Material were the parts about Orion and the negative empire. I didn’t support the idea of attacking others or enslaving worlds, but the notion of this empire in itself was incredibly interesting to me. So little was said by Ra on these topics, leaving me plenty of room to imagine a world of dark intrigue. This eventually led to the development of a sort of alter ego- a past self I imagined as having come from Orion, which became a repository for any negative behavior I saw within myself. In time I became so wrapped up in this created identity that the “two of us” became inexorably entwined.
As my absolute faith in the positive path began to wane, I slowly found myself more and more drawn to its opposite. I began digging up books that dispensed negative philosophy from its own perspective, tired of mere speculation and wanting to educate myself in what the process of negative polarization actually involved. A lot of what I found was complete garbage, but I did eventually come into literature that possessed what I would consider to be a relatively clear picture of negative practice. I also searched forums for individuals who seemed to display the traits of a genuine dark adept and made some contacts who were able to provide me with better, more in depth information. At that point things began to snowball.
While I’d told myself I was only doing research for my writing and to generally educate myself, it was only a matter of months before the philosophy I was reading began to make sense to me, and I began to want more. I teetered on the edge for a long while, afraid of what I might find in that pit of blackness, until something within me reached critical mass and I simply jumped. I realized I would not be satisfied until I experienced what this path truly had to offer, and in order to do that I would have to release all ties to my positive life. It was something of a great internal relief, to finally allow myself permission to pursue the path that had so long intrigued me with no restraints.
While I do not think it would be beneficial for me to simply vomit all of the dark philosophy I picked up into this post, I will say that I had a relatively easy time adapting to it. It was like sliding into an old, comfortable pair of sneakers; like being pulled forward by a magnet, each step becoming easier. For the first time in years I allowed myself to feel all the powerful negative emotions I’d suppressed in my attempt to be a “good person.” Rage erupted from my being, hot, raw and euphoric. It flowed through my veins like fire and the sheer power it brought filled me with ecstasy. I’d never realized how much hate was inside of me until I let it all come out, and it felt so good to just be honest about it- to not have to trick myself into thinking that I liked other people and the world I lived in.
The joy the pursuit of this path brought me was so great that I decided to dedicate myself to it further by joining a black magical order. The interview process to get in was lengthy and the fact that I made it in at all reassured me that this was where I belonged. I willingly placed myself in an environment where I knew my wellbeing was not at the top of anyone’s priorities, and found the lack of pretense refreshing. There was no coddling, no desperate attempt to maintain harmony amongst a diverse group of people and, surprisingly, no bickering about minor points of opinion. Rules were established up front, and if you broke them you were out. Otherwise, it was up to you to make the connections you needed to rise in rank. The information was provided, but no one was going to hold your hand while you figured it out, and if you failed it was your own fault and nobody cared.
For probably the first time in my life, I was experiencing what it felt like to be entirely responsible for myself. Everything I was, for better or worse, was entirely my own responsibility. In the new philosophy I had accepted, I had no guides to ask for help, no demons to blame my woes on and no past lives to excuse present behaviors. There was me and only me, and only my ability to be honest with myself and succeed in changing myself for the better would get me any recognition. I greatly wanted to advance, so I at last found the motivation to look at myself outside of the science fiction perspective.
I will not lie, while the initial release was extremely pleasurable, the work that came after it was one of the most painful things I’ve done in my life. ALL the skeletons had to come out of the closet. My most forbidden, hidden shame, my most painful secrets...nothing could be left as it was, and to top it all off I had to find a way to articulate my inner process to the priesthood so that they could judge my understanding of the concepts I’d been given. I died so many times during the year I spent in that place, large chunks of my personality obliterated as I recognized them as mere coping mechanisms and societal imprints. Nearly everything I’d held sacred was cast upon the floor, replaced with a cold, black abyss containing great wisdom but not an ounce of mercy.
In spite of the difficulty, I found myself excelling at the process, impressing many of the higher ups to the point where my advancement seemed certain. Day by day I was changing myself from the inside out. I felt more confident, more in control of my life experience, and more in love with myself. To be able to look in the mirror and not feel a sense of loathing...it is one of the moments in my life I hold most sacred.
There came a point, however, and I’m not sure exactly when it was, when I realized that, by holding myself above all else, I was coming to hate everything not a part of me. Though I felt great personal power, the world around me had become a very dark place, not enjoyable at all unless I was expending the energy to manipulate it in specific ways. This was simply not something I found pleasing or appropriate, and with dread I realized that I was likely coming to the end of yet another set of beliefs. The more I successfully utilized the Left Hand approach to self-honesty, the more I ironically realized I was not where I belonged. I’d had my fun but I was rapidly running out of hatred and the love I’d once had such a hard time feeling was now threatening to burst out at the seams.
Not eager to upend my entire belief system yet again, I attempted to persevere. I took my ethical constraints to their very limits, participating in black rituals, learning how to manipulate others and fell my enemies, yet in the end I simply could not curse another human being without feeling awful about it. While I’d entertained the occasional primal urge for violence, the true desire to harm another living being was simply nonexistent within me, and just as I could not force myself to feel love while pursuing the positive path, I could not force malevolent intent while pursuing the negative. Empathy and kindness are a part of who I am, through and through. I’d hit a wall I simply could not get past.
In my final days in the order I had a conversation with a priestess in which she berated me for telling one of my friends about some of the spiritual work I’d been doing. I wasn’t supposed to talk about my work with *outsiders*. In that moment it was like a rubber band snapped within me. My ability to fool myself into thinking I had any place with those people crumbled in an instant and suddenly I couldn’t get far enough away. I dropped out and ran like hell.
The best way I can describe the feeling was that all of the negative energy I’d built up immediately reversed in polarity and was added to all pervious positive energy I’d possessed to begin with, slingshotting me farther down the path than I’d ever been before. It was becoming an entirely different person in an instant, and the influx of understanding that came in this moment was so huge that I spent a few days just being in awe of what had happened.
Though the end results felt very magical and enlightening, I can’t say I did anything other than learn a particularly challenging lesson in what was probably the most roundabout way possible. I feel wiser and more balanced, and certainly more respectful of my Self and its ongoing quest to evolve, yet there is also much work left to be done. I honestly don’t think I could have learned this particular set of lessons any other way, as if I planned ahead of time to take the most difficult path to one of the simplest answers- Love.
I have faced my shadow in a most literal way. The work I feel called to now is to try to help those interested understand the nature of the darkness within themselves without having to go through all the pain and confusion I encountered (though I had a lot of fun, too). I want to create a perspective of darkness not as the presence of evil, but simply the absence of awareness- that which has yet to be seen, so that it will cease to be a fearful thing that people hide from, allowing a greater understanding of the Self and its connection to the world. I feel I was attempting to do this with the Adam channelings I put out several years ago, but at the time I had yet to even grasp the lesson I was learning. Perhaps now I may extrapolate on the topic in a more balanced fashion, and hopefully learn more as well.
If there one lesson that I have learned above all else, it is that I am but a fool stumbling in the dark. The difference now is that I am not ashamed to be such, for the Fool is the essence of faith and the potential to continue growing.
This is hardly a complete description of my past year’s experience and the lessons it brought forth, but I don’t want to make a book of this post. I plan to eventually make some more specific posts on how I feel the above experience ties in with specific parts of the Ra Material, since this is a forum about that material, and since I feel there are some good nuggets of truth in there.
Peace.
In my nearly 30 years of life, I’ve tried on many spiritual paths. While Christianity, the faith I was raised in, was incredibly hard to break away from, the process seems to have become easier with each experiment in faith. I’ve toured through Wicca, Buddhism and what I would consider to be more general New Age concepts, usually growing dissatisfied and moving on within a year or so. My study of the more structured Western esoteric systems has made a deeper impression, providing the soil for my current personal philosophy, though even these boundaries I have pushed to their limits. In time I have come to see my beliefs as a fluid stream, and given up trying to contain them within any given set of parameters, though each previous set still exists within me in some way.
When I first found the Ra Material, I was dwelling in a well of deep self-hatred. Several years prior I had been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, and then Schizoeffective Disorder, and battling the effects of chronic depression, ongoing psychotic symptoms and medications that provided more harm than help had taken its toll on my ability to see life as a pleasant thing. My erratic behavior had lost me many friends, strained my relationship with my family to its breaking point and ended two serious romantic relationships. I was more than aware of what was being said about me behind my back and I felt wrong, broken, disgusted at myself for being such a freak. My thoughts were bent on suicide and it was only the love of my new boyfriend (who later became my husband) that kept me from taking my life.
To be honest, when I first found it the Ra Material was just a nice distraction. All the talk of aliens and wanderers and densities was exciting, and the thought that some wonderful new world might appear in 2012 was enough to keep myself going. Allowing myself to identify with being an extraterrestrial helped to ease the pain of my human flaws. The idea of psychic attack was also something of a relief, as odd as it might sound, because it allowed me to see my psychosis as something meaningful. Suddenly I wasn’t an effed up human, I was a righteous angelic being being attacked by demons! It was a grand escape, and the actual meat of the material, the real philosophy, was completely lost upon me.
2012 came and went, and no magical aliens descended to take our problems away. After spending several years dedicating myself to serving others, I looked around and realized I was still incredibly unhappy. The self-hatred was still there, and if anything it was getting worse. The world seemed to be going to crap, with so much suffering welling up around humanity, and I felt like no matter what I did, no matter how loving I was, it would never be enough. I spent hours internally criticizing myself for not doing more, for not giving more of myself in service. It seemed like in the end I always wound up being selfish and I stewed in the fear of not making harvest and having to live ANOTHER life of confusion and pain.
I also saw this pain mirrored in many others around me, and seeds of confusion took root in my mind. If this was the positive path, why did those following it seem to bear an especially heavy load of suffering? I understood the “brothers and sisters of sorrow” metaphor to a degree, but honestly, was it really supposed to be THIS bad? I had developed the picture in my mind that reaching positive fourth density equaled a life of perpetual self-sacrifice and misery, all to gain something better in the afterlife, and it struck me...how different was this thinking from the heaven/hell paradigm I’d been raised with? I realized something was very wrong.
Anyone who knew me under my previous profile will remember that I’ve always had an interest in “dark” topics. Even as a child I was fascinated by concepts most adults found morbid and disturbing, and to be honest, my favorite parts of the Ra Material were the parts about Orion and the negative empire. I didn’t support the idea of attacking others or enslaving worlds, but the notion of this empire in itself was incredibly interesting to me. So little was said by Ra on these topics, leaving me plenty of room to imagine a world of dark intrigue. This eventually led to the development of a sort of alter ego- a past self I imagined as having come from Orion, which became a repository for any negative behavior I saw within myself. In time I became so wrapped up in this created identity that the “two of us” became inexorably entwined.
As my absolute faith in the positive path began to wane, I slowly found myself more and more drawn to its opposite. I began digging up books that dispensed negative philosophy from its own perspective, tired of mere speculation and wanting to educate myself in what the process of negative polarization actually involved. A lot of what I found was complete garbage, but I did eventually come into literature that possessed what I would consider to be a relatively clear picture of negative practice. I also searched forums for individuals who seemed to display the traits of a genuine dark adept and made some contacts who were able to provide me with better, more in depth information. At that point things began to snowball.
While I’d told myself I was only doing research for my writing and to generally educate myself, it was only a matter of months before the philosophy I was reading began to make sense to me, and I began to want more. I teetered on the edge for a long while, afraid of what I might find in that pit of blackness, until something within me reached critical mass and I simply jumped. I realized I would not be satisfied until I experienced what this path truly had to offer, and in order to do that I would have to release all ties to my positive life. It was something of a great internal relief, to finally allow myself permission to pursue the path that had so long intrigued me with no restraints.
While I do not think it would be beneficial for me to simply vomit all of the dark philosophy I picked up into this post, I will say that I had a relatively easy time adapting to it. It was like sliding into an old, comfortable pair of sneakers; like being pulled forward by a magnet, each step becoming easier. For the first time in years I allowed myself to feel all the powerful negative emotions I’d suppressed in my attempt to be a “good person.” Rage erupted from my being, hot, raw and euphoric. It flowed through my veins like fire and the sheer power it brought filled me with ecstasy. I’d never realized how much hate was inside of me until I let it all come out, and it felt so good to just be honest about it- to not have to trick myself into thinking that I liked other people and the world I lived in.
The joy the pursuit of this path brought me was so great that I decided to dedicate myself to it further by joining a black magical order. The interview process to get in was lengthy and the fact that I made it in at all reassured me that this was where I belonged. I willingly placed myself in an environment where I knew my wellbeing was not at the top of anyone’s priorities, and found the lack of pretense refreshing. There was no coddling, no desperate attempt to maintain harmony amongst a diverse group of people and, surprisingly, no bickering about minor points of opinion. Rules were established up front, and if you broke them you were out. Otherwise, it was up to you to make the connections you needed to rise in rank. The information was provided, but no one was going to hold your hand while you figured it out, and if you failed it was your own fault and nobody cared.
For probably the first time in my life, I was experiencing what it felt like to be entirely responsible for myself. Everything I was, for better or worse, was entirely my own responsibility. In the new philosophy I had accepted, I had no guides to ask for help, no demons to blame my woes on and no past lives to excuse present behaviors. There was me and only me, and only my ability to be honest with myself and succeed in changing myself for the better would get me any recognition. I greatly wanted to advance, so I at last found the motivation to look at myself outside of the science fiction perspective.
I will not lie, while the initial release was extremely pleasurable, the work that came after it was one of the most painful things I’ve done in my life. ALL the skeletons had to come out of the closet. My most forbidden, hidden shame, my most painful secrets...nothing could be left as it was, and to top it all off I had to find a way to articulate my inner process to the priesthood so that they could judge my understanding of the concepts I’d been given. I died so many times during the year I spent in that place, large chunks of my personality obliterated as I recognized them as mere coping mechanisms and societal imprints. Nearly everything I’d held sacred was cast upon the floor, replaced with a cold, black abyss containing great wisdom but not an ounce of mercy.
In spite of the difficulty, I found myself excelling at the process, impressing many of the higher ups to the point where my advancement seemed certain. Day by day I was changing myself from the inside out. I felt more confident, more in control of my life experience, and more in love with myself. To be able to look in the mirror and not feel a sense of loathing...it is one of the moments in my life I hold most sacred.
There came a point, however, and I’m not sure exactly when it was, when I realized that, by holding myself above all else, I was coming to hate everything not a part of me. Though I felt great personal power, the world around me had become a very dark place, not enjoyable at all unless I was expending the energy to manipulate it in specific ways. This was simply not something I found pleasing or appropriate, and with dread I realized that I was likely coming to the end of yet another set of beliefs. The more I successfully utilized the Left Hand approach to self-honesty, the more I ironically realized I was not where I belonged. I’d had my fun but I was rapidly running out of hatred and the love I’d once had such a hard time feeling was now threatening to burst out at the seams.
Not eager to upend my entire belief system yet again, I attempted to persevere. I took my ethical constraints to their very limits, participating in black rituals, learning how to manipulate others and fell my enemies, yet in the end I simply could not curse another human being without feeling awful about it. While I’d entertained the occasional primal urge for violence, the true desire to harm another living being was simply nonexistent within me, and just as I could not force myself to feel love while pursuing the positive path, I could not force malevolent intent while pursuing the negative. Empathy and kindness are a part of who I am, through and through. I’d hit a wall I simply could not get past.
In my final days in the order I had a conversation with a priestess in which she berated me for telling one of my friends about some of the spiritual work I’d been doing. I wasn’t supposed to talk about my work with *outsiders*. In that moment it was like a rubber band snapped within me. My ability to fool myself into thinking I had any place with those people crumbled in an instant and suddenly I couldn’t get far enough away. I dropped out and ran like hell.
The best way I can describe the feeling was that all of the negative energy I’d built up immediately reversed in polarity and was added to all pervious positive energy I’d possessed to begin with, slingshotting me farther down the path than I’d ever been before. It was becoming an entirely different person in an instant, and the influx of understanding that came in this moment was so huge that I spent a few days just being in awe of what had happened.
Though the end results felt very magical and enlightening, I can’t say I did anything other than learn a particularly challenging lesson in what was probably the most roundabout way possible. I feel wiser and more balanced, and certainly more respectful of my Self and its ongoing quest to evolve, yet there is also much work left to be done. I honestly don’t think I could have learned this particular set of lessons any other way, as if I planned ahead of time to take the most difficult path to one of the simplest answers- Love.
I have faced my shadow in a most literal way. The work I feel called to now is to try to help those interested understand the nature of the darkness within themselves without having to go through all the pain and confusion I encountered (though I had a lot of fun, too). I want to create a perspective of darkness not as the presence of evil, but simply the absence of awareness- that which has yet to be seen, so that it will cease to be a fearful thing that people hide from, allowing a greater understanding of the Self and its connection to the world. I feel I was attempting to do this with the Adam channelings I put out several years ago, but at the time I had yet to even grasp the lesson I was learning. Perhaps now I may extrapolate on the topic in a more balanced fashion, and hopefully learn more as well.
If there one lesson that I have learned above all else, it is that I am but a fool stumbling in the dark. The difference now is that I am not ashamed to be such, for the Fool is the essence of faith and the potential to continue growing.
This is hardly a complete description of my past year’s experience and the lessons it brought forth, but I don’t want to make a book of this post. I plan to eventually make some more specific posts on how I feel the above experience ties in with specific parts of the Ra Material, since this is a forum about that material, and since I feel there are some good nuggets of truth in there.
Peace.
Thanks so much for your service!!!!
Thank you.
. I dunno, I was chilling with my grandparents and I feel a little better now but still.