12-21-2014, 04:51 PM
I’ve been doing a critical evaluation of a certain period of my life. This period begins about six years ago, when I was first introduced to what I will generalize as “New Age thinking”, and ends about a year ago, when I became so disgusted with my current mode of thought that I abandoned it to become a Satanist (true story). I feel I have now come full circle, returning to many of the beliefs I originally held, yet from an entirely different perspective. My analysis is focused paticularly on the stumbling blocks that caused me to discard any attempt to be positive in spite of an ultimate desire to serve. Where were the largest issues, and are they issues that effect anyone else?
This post is about what I would define as one of the largest struggles I have faced while “following the positive path”. That struggle is finding oneself trapped, out of a sense of compulsion, in activities one does not enjoy. This, I feel, comes from a caricatured vision of what service entails- an arbitrary expectation we set for ourselves without understanding the internal process taking place beneath the outer actions.
In the past, when I thought of “service to others”, things like volunteering in soup kitchens, fundraising to bring water to children in Africa or giving all of my money to charity came to mind. I would see other people doing these things and feel intense guilt that I had not done something similar, and even those things didn’t seem like enough. If I wasn’t saving the world in some major and dramatic way, I was a failure. Several times I extended myself well beyond my means in an attempt to “be of greater service”, and only wound up feeling exhausted and bitter at the end of it, even putting myself in the hospital on one occasion.
A defining moment for me was finally acknowledging that I didn’t partake in these sort of activities because I have no interest in them. I appreciate the individuals who do. I am very grateful they have taken it upon themselves to organize the charitable frontier for the rest of us, but I have no real desire to do their work. My first reaction to this discovery was “I must not like serving others, then”, and a deep study of self-service then ensued.
This study raised an appreciation within me of who I truly am, where my talents lie, and the importance of fulfilling my own desires alongside and even through my charitable efforts. Inner happiness acts as a clearing agent, purifying and crystallizing the mind’s focus. When you go into a task that makes you happy and is aligned with your deepest internal desires, your output is magnified a thousand times. Smaller actions create larger impacts. You find yourself changing the world without even trying to, and instead of a necessary drudgery, the act of serving becomes a mode of self-expression, your very essence becoming a gift to humanity.
Now, not every act of service I engage in is convenient or interesting to me. Sometimes I come across a hungry person who needs to be fed, or a friend down on their luck who needs someone to talk to, or a cause I feel my five dollars could really help in spite of my desire to hold onto my money. However, when I feed a hungry person, I do not allow myself to be consumed by the thought of how many people are starving in the world and start feeling guilty because I haven’t fed them all. My focus remains in the areas where I feel I am most able to contribute (though I bless the people who have the stamina and inner resources to make those huge issues their focus).
My point is that sacrificing all of one’s time and energy to help others in a stereotyped format might seem like a noble action, but unless it is really where your joy is found, all it does is build up inner blockages that, if left unchecked, can ultimately cause burn out and a complete abandonment of the original intent, or, in some extreme cases, a level of martyrdom that renders the self unable to function at all, cutting off future opportunities. Those who succeed in huge charity projects usually do so because they are doing what they love, not because they feel like they *need* to do it.
The more I got to know myself, the more I realized how many times I have served others without even realizing it, and how many more opportunities I had missed because of how narrow my definition of service was. In many cases I’ve seen the impact of small, seemingly insignificant acts years later, and realized I created a profound change in someone or something without even trying to, because I was simply being myself when it happened. THIS is the key- know your Self, and it is impossible to look past how the very act of *being* is a service in itself. Becoming more of who you are is your destiny as a living thing- it is the process that drives creation itself, and taking the time to witness the Self you are becoming is not a waste of time, it is imperative in reaching the level of inner purity that allows the deepest acts of love and compassion to be ushered into the world.
Pay attention to the things that you love- the things you find genuine enjoyment in, and find a way to bring them into your desire to serve. In my case, this involved studying how I could use my writing and art- the things I enjoy most in life- to teach others in unconventional ways. Not only did I find myself succeeding in the act of teaching, but my art and writing became better in the process, fueling the desire to continue my work. I used to think “drawing pictures can’t change the world”, yet now that change unfolds before my very eyes, not only in those my art inspires, but in the way the art of others inspires me to keep rising to higher creations.
Many see their talents as worthless simply because they don’t seem to have value in the world. I say that every part of yourself has value, and finding out how is part of making that magical snake coil up your spine. The process of self-discovery is not just a mechanical function, it is a sacred and magical act. In several conversations I had with Carla Rueckert I heard her say “there is no difference between the outer and the inner work,” and it never really made any sense to me, yet now, after spending a year entirely devoted to my own internal processes, I realize it is a great hidden truth- a profound secret that would redefine many a world view if it were truly brought to light.
Service should not be equivalent to slavery. If you find yourself entering acts of service with a sense of dread, resentment or compulsion, it may be time to look in new directions. If you feel guilt for not doing enough, you may need a deeper understanding of your own capabilities. Taking the time to figure out where you shine brightest IS a charitable act, for instead of giving food or money or another resource that will ultimately expire, you are giving your very Self, the essence of your being, to the world around you, permanently raising the microcosm of the universe that is you to a higher state of function.
Of course, I do not mean to say there is no value in performing physical acts of service, because there certainly is. If the inner is not manifesting in the outer in some way, then crystallization has likely not taken place. I’m simply saying that one form of service should not be valued over any other, for many of the largest changes happen at unseen levels. It is not a competition. There is no score sheet, there are no point values. There is only the desire and the will to follow it.
Doing what you need to do to be at your best and brightest, whatever that might be, is laying a foundation of being able to do more and do better, and you will likely find yourself doing things you never thought possible. The most productive form of service is that given freely and in joy, not in servitude and misery, and it is the work of wisdom to distinguish between the two.
This post is about what I would define as one of the largest struggles I have faced while “following the positive path”. That struggle is finding oneself trapped, out of a sense of compulsion, in activities one does not enjoy. This, I feel, comes from a caricatured vision of what service entails- an arbitrary expectation we set for ourselves without understanding the internal process taking place beneath the outer actions.
In the past, when I thought of “service to others”, things like volunteering in soup kitchens, fundraising to bring water to children in Africa or giving all of my money to charity came to mind. I would see other people doing these things and feel intense guilt that I had not done something similar, and even those things didn’t seem like enough. If I wasn’t saving the world in some major and dramatic way, I was a failure. Several times I extended myself well beyond my means in an attempt to “be of greater service”, and only wound up feeling exhausted and bitter at the end of it, even putting myself in the hospital on one occasion.
A defining moment for me was finally acknowledging that I didn’t partake in these sort of activities because I have no interest in them. I appreciate the individuals who do. I am very grateful they have taken it upon themselves to organize the charitable frontier for the rest of us, but I have no real desire to do their work. My first reaction to this discovery was “I must not like serving others, then”, and a deep study of self-service then ensued.
This study raised an appreciation within me of who I truly am, where my talents lie, and the importance of fulfilling my own desires alongside and even through my charitable efforts. Inner happiness acts as a clearing agent, purifying and crystallizing the mind’s focus. When you go into a task that makes you happy and is aligned with your deepest internal desires, your output is magnified a thousand times. Smaller actions create larger impacts. You find yourself changing the world without even trying to, and instead of a necessary drudgery, the act of serving becomes a mode of self-expression, your very essence becoming a gift to humanity.
Now, not every act of service I engage in is convenient or interesting to me. Sometimes I come across a hungry person who needs to be fed, or a friend down on their luck who needs someone to talk to, or a cause I feel my five dollars could really help in spite of my desire to hold onto my money. However, when I feed a hungry person, I do not allow myself to be consumed by the thought of how many people are starving in the world and start feeling guilty because I haven’t fed them all. My focus remains in the areas where I feel I am most able to contribute (though I bless the people who have the stamina and inner resources to make those huge issues their focus).
My point is that sacrificing all of one’s time and energy to help others in a stereotyped format might seem like a noble action, but unless it is really where your joy is found, all it does is build up inner blockages that, if left unchecked, can ultimately cause burn out and a complete abandonment of the original intent, or, in some extreme cases, a level of martyrdom that renders the self unable to function at all, cutting off future opportunities. Those who succeed in huge charity projects usually do so because they are doing what they love, not because they feel like they *need* to do it.
The more I got to know myself, the more I realized how many times I have served others without even realizing it, and how many more opportunities I had missed because of how narrow my definition of service was. In many cases I’ve seen the impact of small, seemingly insignificant acts years later, and realized I created a profound change in someone or something without even trying to, because I was simply being myself when it happened. THIS is the key- know your Self, and it is impossible to look past how the very act of *being* is a service in itself. Becoming more of who you are is your destiny as a living thing- it is the process that drives creation itself, and taking the time to witness the Self you are becoming is not a waste of time, it is imperative in reaching the level of inner purity that allows the deepest acts of love and compassion to be ushered into the world.
Pay attention to the things that you love- the things you find genuine enjoyment in, and find a way to bring them into your desire to serve. In my case, this involved studying how I could use my writing and art- the things I enjoy most in life- to teach others in unconventional ways. Not only did I find myself succeeding in the act of teaching, but my art and writing became better in the process, fueling the desire to continue my work. I used to think “drawing pictures can’t change the world”, yet now that change unfolds before my very eyes, not only in those my art inspires, but in the way the art of others inspires me to keep rising to higher creations.
Many see their talents as worthless simply because they don’t seem to have value in the world. I say that every part of yourself has value, and finding out how is part of making that magical snake coil up your spine. The process of self-discovery is not just a mechanical function, it is a sacred and magical act. In several conversations I had with Carla Rueckert I heard her say “there is no difference between the outer and the inner work,” and it never really made any sense to me, yet now, after spending a year entirely devoted to my own internal processes, I realize it is a great hidden truth- a profound secret that would redefine many a world view if it were truly brought to light.
Service should not be equivalent to slavery. If you find yourself entering acts of service with a sense of dread, resentment or compulsion, it may be time to look in new directions. If you feel guilt for not doing enough, you may need a deeper understanding of your own capabilities. Taking the time to figure out where you shine brightest IS a charitable act, for instead of giving food or money or another resource that will ultimately expire, you are giving your very Self, the essence of your being, to the world around you, permanently raising the microcosm of the universe that is you to a higher state of function.
Of course, I do not mean to say there is no value in performing physical acts of service, because there certainly is. If the inner is not manifesting in the outer in some way, then crystallization has likely not taken place. I’m simply saying that one form of service should not be valued over any other, for many of the largest changes happen at unseen levels. It is not a competition. There is no score sheet, there are no point values. There is only the desire and the will to follow it.
Doing what you need to do to be at your best and brightest, whatever that might be, is laying a foundation of being able to do more and do better, and you will likely find yourself doing things you never thought possible. The most productive form of service is that given freely and in joy, not in servitude and misery, and it is the work of wisdom to distinguish between the two.
