02-23-2015, 06:22 PM
When I began writing this article, it was little more than a journal rant about behaviors that upset me, combined with my frustration that I feel my voice often goes unheard in the crowd. It was originally titled “Five Things That Make You An A-hole”, and I did indeed come up with five widespread behaviors that I feel tend to immediately cast an individual in a negative light. As I wrote down these behaviors, however, I saw all of them in myself, quite clearly. My admonishments became directed more to myself than anyone else. I then decided to do something more constructive with the piece and also write five behaviors I feel cause one to be generally respected and listened to within a community. Each of these five behaviors is a personal challenge- a promise to better myself. I share in hopes that my lessons may also help others.
Five Respect-Killers
1. Complaining.
No one actually wants to listen to your complaints. Any of them. They only pretend to care because they’re just as bored as you are. Complaining is a compulsive habit of the restless- the pastime of a herd of sheep desperately seeking an actual direction. If you want to glean the respect of your peers, stop griping and start working on genuine solutions, because even if your life is truly unpleasant, whining leaves you with nothing to show for yourself but an incapacity to take constructive action.
2. Gossiping.
Another habit everyone seems to love- standing around with your friends and acquaintances, talking about your other friends and acquaintances behind their backs. The individuals you gossip to might find you entertaining, but you can rest assured that the moment your back is turned any perceived loyalty will vanish like a fine summer mist, and they will probably start trashing you just as fiercely. You’ve established yourself as an untrustworthy opportunist, and don’t be surprised to find the room devoid of your supposed friends in your hour of need.
3. Self-Victimizing.
Professional Victims may be identified firstly by their intense, focused awareness of any minority status they happen to possess, be it real or imagined. This becomes the foundation of their identity- the core of a concentric radiance of misfortunes. Unlike regular complainers, Professional Victims may not explicity voice their woes- they just exist in a constant state of persecuted misery.
Some Victims may attempt to disguise their status by emphasizing how bravely they’ve endured their struggles, or how they HAVE to keep going, in spite of their unfairly crappy lives, because it’s just the right thing to do. In truth, this doesn’t fool anyone. Most of us have the decency to take compassion on a friend or even a stranger going through hard times, but everyone has their own struggles to deal with. If all your times are hard, few are going to find the time or energy to constantly tend to your ongoing crisis.
4. Competition
It’s rather humorous just how many areas individuals find to compete in. Not only are Mr. Jones’ achievements greater, but his sorrows are more devastating! Folks, this one is rather simple. If someone accomplishes something, congratulate them. If they accomplished something you wanted to do, use them as an inspiration/motivation. If they’ve suffered a setback, offer your condolences. If you accomplish something, accept compliments without fishing for them. If you suffer a loss, accept condolences without expecting others to feel sorry for you. Anything else will make you look like a complete a-hole.
5. Sucking Up
Most of us relegate ass-kissing to the professional world, where a well-placed compliment could mean a new promotion. Such behavior is obviously slimy, but far more insidious is the covert brand of kissing up that takes places right in our everyday lives. Are you the first to jump behind a wildly popular opinion, without truly considering its validity? Do you feel that you need to impress your friends in order to keep them? Are your conversations largely filled with words that other people have said, or do you feel that your words need to be flashy and dramatic in order to be heard?
The deal is, most people have a sense for sniffing out fakes. You’re not impressing anyone and you’re only fooling yourself. Those who insist on presenting their true selves at all times may go against the societal grain, but their lack of pretense causes others to observe them whether they want to or not. They may not be popular, but they are generally the ones who are respected.
Five Respect-Builders
1. Appreciate Silence
Just because no one in the room is talking doesn’t mean you have to engage in obnoxious banter to fill the space. Be consciously aware of each word you say, and don’t say anything unless you have a reason to say it. There are times when silence has a far greater impact than words, and those who have few words to say are generally listened to when they do take it upon themselves to speak. Cultivate your speech and you will be respected for the wisdom you demonstrate.
2. See the Good in People
There’s no hiding the fact that people can be real A-holes. Constantly seeing the worst in people is a great way to fabricate enemies, however, as well as a great way to establish yourself as an elitist prick. Even if a person is the most repulsive of scum, try to find one thing in them you admire. Think of what you can learn from this individual- how they can help you improve yourself- even if they treat you badly. You don’t have to be their best friend or even like them at all, but if you truly can’t see any good in the people around you, they probably don’t see any good in you, either.
3. Take Objective Interest
Make an effort to see outside of your own personal bubble. Take an interest in the lives of others. Get involved in your community. Make a point of learning the issues that effect not only you, but those you interact with on a daily basis and the world at large. Do your research, and explore new environments, physical or mental, with an objective desire for understanding. Nothing is more obnoxious than a person who attacks an opinion, individual or societal, from a position of ignorance. Being empathetic with and informed of your social network will allow you to address concerns, large and small, from an intelligent, informed and constructive perspective.
4. Find Your Higher Power
Those who created the largest positive movements in history rarely stopped to dwell on the magnitude of their achievements, or the wagging tongues of their critics. They were too focused on the causes they chased, usually pursuing them diligently until the day they died. Whether their focus was on freedom, equality or the end of corrupt rulership, these individuals were guided by higher ideals that exceeded their personal ambitions. Many of them passed from this reality without ever seeing the results of their efforts, yet it was their unwavering focus that gained them the respect of millions of people.
Some of history’s movers and shakers were guided by religious beliefs, but you don’t necessarily need a divine figure to successfully motivate yourself. You just need something higher than the appeasement of your own ego- an ideal you respect enough to set aside the constant need to be right in favor of the ability to do increasingly better work. Those truly dedicated to their ideals are not given over to the childish, petty arguing that populate the world of mundane opinions. Instead they radiate with a purity that others can’t help but acknowledge.
5. Ask Questions. Lots of Them.
How many times have you listened to another’s opinion, only to immediately interject an opinion of your own? How many times have you felt compelled to respond to someone’s experience with your own relative experience? How many times have you immediately shut down your ability to listen to another person’s beliefs just because they are different from yours? This almost unconscious behavior stems from a sense of personal inadequacy and a need for self-assurance, and while almost all of us do it, it still makes you look like a self-absorbed flake when you do it yourself.
Make a point of responding to statements with questions, and not of the sarcastic, rhetorical variety. Not only will this make it seem as if you care about something outside of your own interests, but you will encounter infinite opportunities to educate yourself. Don’t simply pretend to listen, dedicate yourself to learning more any time you can. You will constantly adapt and change while others remain stubbornly stuck in the stagnant thought patterns that make them generally unpleasant to be around. This is something good bosses look for, not to mention you have more to offer to the friends and family who love you.
Five Respect-Killers
1. Complaining.
No one actually wants to listen to your complaints. Any of them. They only pretend to care because they’re just as bored as you are. Complaining is a compulsive habit of the restless- the pastime of a herd of sheep desperately seeking an actual direction. If you want to glean the respect of your peers, stop griping and start working on genuine solutions, because even if your life is truly unpleasant, whining leaves you with nothing to show for yourself but an incapacity to take constructive action.
2. Gossiping.
Another habit everyone seems to love- standing around with your friends and acquaintances, talking about your other friends and acquaintances behind their backs. The individuals you gossip to might find you entertaining, but you can rest assured that the moment your back is turned any perceived loyalty will vanish like a fine summer mist, and they will probably start trashing you just as fiercely. You’ve established yourself as an untrustworthy opportunist, and don’t be surprised to find the room devoid of your supposed friends in your hour of need.
3. Self-Victimizing.
Professional Victims may be identified firstly by their intense, focused awareness of any minority status they happen to possess, be it real or imagined. This becomes the foundation of their identity- the core of a concentric radiance of misfortunes. Unlike regular complainers, Professional Victims may not explicity voice their woes- they just exist in a constant state of persecuted misery.
Some Victims may attempt to disguise their status by emphasizing how bravely they’ve endured their struggles, or how they HAVE to keep going, in spite of their unfairly crappy lives, because it’s just the right thing to do. In truth, this doesn’t fool anyone. Most of us have the decency to take compassion on a friend or even a stranger going through hard times, but everyone has their own struggles to deal with. If all your times are hard, few are going to find the time or energy to constantly tend to your ongoing crisis.
4. Competition
It’s rather humorous just how many areas individuals find to compete in. Not only are Mr. Jones’ achievements greater, but his sorrows are more devastating! Folks, this one is rather simple. If someone accomplishes something, congratulate them. If they accomplished something you wanted to do, use them as an inspiration/motivation. If they’ve suffered a setback, offer your condolences. If you accomplish something, accept compliments without fishing for them. If you suffer a loss, accept condolences without expecting others to feel sorry for you. Anything else will make you look like a complete a-hole.
5. Sucking Up
Most of us relegate ass-kissing to the professional world, where a well-placed compliment could mean a new promotion. Such behavior is obviously slimy, but far more insidious is the covert brand of kissing up that takes places right in our everyday lives. Are you the first to jump behind a wildly popular opinion, without truly considering its validity? Do you feel that you need to impress your friends in order to keep them? Are your conversations largely filled with words that other people have said, or do you feel that your words need to be flashy and dramatic in order to be heard?
The deal is, most people have a sense for sniffing out fakes. You’re not impressing anyone and you’re only fooling yourself. Those who insist on presenting their true selves at all times may go against the societal grain, but their lack of pretense causes others to observe them whether they want to or not. They may not be popular, but they are generally the ones who are respected.
Five Respect-Builders
1. Appreciate Silence
Just because no one in the room is talking doesn’t mean you have to engage in obnoxious banter to fill the space. Be consciously aware of each word you say, and don’t say anything unless you have a reason to say it. There are times when silence has a far greater impact than words, and those who have few words to say are generally listened to when they do take it upon themselves to speak. Cultivate your speech and you will be respected for the wisdom you demonstrate.
2. See the Good in People
There’s no hiding the fact that people can be real A-holes. Constantly seeing the worst in people is a great way to fabricate enemies, however, as well as a great way to establish yourself as an elitist prick. Even if a person is the most repulsive of scum, try to find one thing in them you admire. Think of what you can learn from this individual- how they can help you improve yourself- even if they treat you badly. You don’t have to be their best friend or even like them at all, but if you truly can’t see any good in the people around you, they probably don’t see any good in you, either.
3. Take Objective Interest
Make an effort to see outside of your own personal bubble. Take an interest in the lives of others. Get involved in your community. Make a point of learning the issues that effect not only you, but those you interact with on a daily basis and the world at large. Do your research, and explore new environments, physical or mental, with an objective desire for understanding. Nothing is more obnoxious than a person who attacks an opinion, individual or societal, from a position of ignorance. Being empathetic with and informed of your social network will allow you to address concerns, large and small, from an intelligent, informed and constructive perspective.
4. Find Your Higher Power
Those who created the largest positive movements in history rarely stopped to dwell on the magnitude of their achievements, or the wagging tongues of their critics. They were too focused on the causes they chased, usually pursuing them diligently until the day they died. Whether their focus was on freedom, equality or the end of corrupt rulership, these individuals were guided by higher ideals that exceeded their personal ambitions. Many of them passed from this reality without ever seeing the results of their efforts, yet it was their unwavering focus that gained them the respect of millions of people.
Some of history’s movers and shakers were guided by religious beliefs, but you don’t necessarily need a divine figure to successfully motivate yourself. You just need something higher than the appeasement of your own ego- an ideal you respect enough to set aside the constant need to be right in favor of the ability to do increasingly better work. Those truly dedicated to their ideals are not given over to the childish, petty arguing that populate the world of mundane opinions. Instead they radiate with a purity that others can’t help but acknowledge.
5. Ask Questions. Lots of Them.
How many times have you listened to another’s opinion, only to immediately interject an opinion of your own? How many times have you felt compelled to respond to someone’s experience with your own relative experience? How many times have you immediately shut down your ability to listen to another person’s beliefs just because they are different from yours? This almost unconscious behavior stems from a sense of personal inadequacy and a need for self-assurance, and while almost all of us do it, it still makes you look like a self-absorbed flake when you do it yourself.
Make a point of responding to statements with questions, and not of the sarcastic, rhetorical variety. Not only will this make it seem as if you care about something outside of your own interests, but you will encounter infinite opportunities to educate yourself. Don’t simply pretend to listen, dedicate yourself to learning more any time you can. You will constantly adapt and change while others remain stubbornly stuck in the stagnant thought patterns that make them generally unpleasant to be around. This is something good bosses look for, not to mention you have more to offer to the friends and family who love you.