Bring4th

Lately I have realized that, as far as I have come in my spiritual seeking, there is still a rather large blockage that is holding me back in various ways. Somewhere beneath my happy-go-lucky exterior boils a well of pain and anger whose roots run very deep. I have often felt a lingering sadness, tinged with a vague but brutal variation of self-loathing. Recently I have been trying very hard to get to the bottom of what is causing these negative feelings, and I feel like I have finally hit upon something of an answer.

Ultimately, the answer is that I am not being honest with myself. There are truths about my emotions and my innermost desires that I find shameful, and therefore I continually try to gloss over them by flying off the handle over little things, pretending that my job and my various relationships are the causes for my anger and despair. In reality it is something that comes from deep within. Basically, I feel the need to just get this out and be totally, brutally honest, even though it hurts and I’m afraid of looking like a fool…it’s time for me to just acknowledge what’s going on and then let it go.

The jist of it is this: I have known for a long time that the extreme sensitivity of both my physical and energy bodies makes me an easy target for more…pronounced negative greetings. My ability to perceive dark visitors has caused many an interesting encounter. However, this is NOT the root of my problem.

The root is that I secretly enjoy it when they come around. Not that I enjoy the actual encounter, but afterward I feel a rush, a sort of excitement, because SOMETHING happened. Something, even a bad something, came along to pierce the grueling humdrum of my day. It broke up the cycle of work, eat, sleep. It was blatant physical evidence that there is something MORE. As much as I attempt to repel these contacts, in subconscious I cling to them more tightly than anything, because they are my proof.

My problem, I believe, is that I’m not willing to just have faith. I’ve begged to be able to have the positive contacts that so many wanderers report…to be able to so much as see a UFO, or even talk to one of my star family in a dream. But it is my yearning for proof, for more and more verification, that I believe keeps any of these things from happening in the first place. I have not been willing to fall back and believe that there will be something there to catch me. Instead I have contented myself with falling into the arms of those who would torment me, all for that taste of attention and that brief feeling of acknowledgement.

Something in me enjoys their attention. I feel special because they notice me enough to go to all the effort to drag me down. I feel like that kid in grade school who acts up because any attention, even getting scolded, is better than being invisible. So then I have to ask myself, why do I feel invisible? I have many people who love me, who would die for me. What am I not getting from these relationships? What am I missing that causes me to cause myself pain in order to both receive attention and verify that I can still feel and still make sure that something more is out there?

I’ve wondered if it stems from my childhood. Though both my parents doted on me frequently, often it felt like an illusion. I was always waiting for the bubble to burst and give way to the next fight. I’m wondering if somehow that cycle of love and violent outburst got the two crossed in my mind somehow? Ultimately the very root cause of this unnecessary attention seeking is still unknown to me.

What I do know is that this is not what I want. I do not want to be secretly happy when someone shows up to ruin my day in a very creepy way, as I know that they are only happy to oblige and keep showing up, and keep distracting me from my path. How can I blame negative entities for my problems when I’ve been laying down the welcome mat for years? I have to do my part before I ask anyone else to help me keep them away.

I must really search my heart now, and find my faith. I must find what at my core makes what I believe sacred to me, and build upon that instead of expecting proof to be dumped in my lap. I need to start paying attention to the signs in my own heart instead of asking for signs from the heavens.

As for my lust for attention…that will take much meditation as to what would be the best way to solve what I see as an unsatisfactory situation. It is hard to change your very desires without first unraveling the cause of said desires, and that is a rabbit hole I haven’t reached the bottom of yet. Yet I am at least acknowledging my true feelings and being honest, and saying it out in the open so there’s no taking it back.

This is an issue I want to work on. I am willing to drop my shields and let the love of the Creator move into my heart, knowing that in time it may heal these wounds and allow me to move on to higher things. I am asking assistance from higher forces to help me with this true surrender…this desire to move out of the selfishness that I have held onto for so long and be a true channel of love. I am going to try to have FAITH that all may truly be well.

Hear Hear, keep fighting the good fight, it's a long and winding road, but it's a path with heart.
And no matter how much we may like things that we feel we shouldn't I know we all know deep down in our hearts what's what. Patience and love be with you.

Well spoken, and let me say congratulations on becoming honest with yourself, for this is no easy task. I too have just come to more honest terms with myself (during the last week or so), and am very thankful for the answers and results that have been revealed for me. It is such a weight off ones shoulders to find out the root cause of any conditioning or issue. If you're anything like me, finding out the root cause will be the hard part, and forgiving yourself will be easy. How can we not forgive ourselves for being impressionable as children and conditioned against our knowing it? And even if a root cause for an issue is something we consciously chose or did, forgiveness is a choice first and foremost. If you find that you cannot forgive yourself, but WANT to...then you can wait for your own heart and spirit guides to reveal to you HOW you can forgive yourself (which usually involves a widening of our perspective surrounding the root cause).

We are born with almost no perception of the world, and the first recollection of how we thought the world was, was so obviously molded by our parents/environment/etc. Few even come close to broadening their preset perceptions on the world and the self...and we can all widen our viewpoints to an infinite scope. Good luck in your endeavor!

Godspeed!

Amen! *applauds*

I think you've got a break through right there Ahktu. I think your parental situation could easily be a root cause for the issues you describe. Though from your descriptions I cannot discern the mechanism or specifics.

I see you doing two things that I want to pay attention to because I had to learn them myself and well, I'm still learning about those.

First of all you say you require meditation and soul searching to stop doing it. You don't... You stop right here right now.. You'll make a mistake and will fall into the same trap. Just like everyone else does. But then you'll forgive yourself. And you stop doing it again right there and right then. It doesn't matter that there are setbacks they prove nothing. Growth is gradual. Choice is not, choice is "do or do not". Choice determines the state of your being, the state of being determines the circumstances of your life. Not the other way around.

Secondly you are still describing yourself as the victim. "This bothers you." "Time will heal." "You are willing to drop your shields." "The higher forces must assist." "Your friends from the other side must reveal to you."

Where's the creator in your life? Where's you?

You're Akthu. You've come from another world exactly as you've described. Your intuitions about your friends are essentially correct. You've been hurt in this world exactly as you've described. But no one needs to rescue you. Because you can stand up and pat off the dust yourself. In fact it would be better for you to do so because if you can deal with that by your own design you've essentially proven the obvious. That you're powerful. If they assist you could end up kicking away the rest of your responsibilities and become a monk in their religion. A gear in their institution. Thing is they don't have a place for people like that. The dark has places like that.

I'm hearing you say "If they help me"... I think you should say "Screw everyone, I'm doing this... Step aside.. Akthu with a plan coming through." No excuses, no external variables. Your life your choice.

Do you understand the difference? I've been where you're at... No one came to save me. Right now I'm happy for that. My happiness relies on me, not on some external entity, force or stroke of luck. The responsibility was always in my hands. Even when I was afraid to run with it. And I still haven't seen the depth of all it can do.

Terry Pratchet wrote as a piece of advice for witches : "Even when it's not your fault, it's still your responsibility!" It's not your fault what happened to you. But it's your responsibility simply because if you don't, no one will... And you can fix this. If you choose to, you will fix this. However you cannot shift the responsibility to the external and hope to fix this by hoping some knight in shining armor will come and kill the dragon for you.

Brutal honesty as you call it works. It allows you to be entirely congruent with your choice. And you may actually, in the fray of life, catch glimpses of your friends opening doors and leaving subtle cues. They are there and you can trust their presence but you cannot trust them to fix your life for you.

Thank you all for the honest replies. Yes, I realize that I have the habit of seeing myself as the victim. I think it is an attempt to hide all the hate I have for various aspects of myself…blaming them on someone else. I have got to realize that until I can square with myself I’m not going to be able to fix any other relationship. In the end I am the only one who can make or break myself, no one else. How I respond is always up to me.

For some reason I have always had the notion in my head that I need to be perfect. Everyone else is excused, but for some reason I’m not allowed to make mistakes. Where does that come from? I wonder if it is just another factor in my attention-seeking problem. Did I perhaps create a poor self image in hopes of garnering pity? A façade that eventually developed into a full-blown, very real self hatred?

I just don’t understand WHY I want attention so much. I don’t WANT to want it, but I find myself engaging in the same self-destructive behaviors over and over again, all somehow related to getting some kind of attention. I am not much of a people person. The majority of the time I am content with solitude and would generally prefer to be left alone. Then I have this totally conflicting behavior that brings in the kind of attention that makes me generally want to be alone in the first place. Sure, my childhood had some bumps in it, but everyone’s does. I do not think the roots end there. There is something buried so deep in there, and I just can’t quite put my finger on it. But I cannot keep denying the effects of these behaviors. I realize I am hurting myself and all there is to do is break the cycle once and for all. Still, knowing the cause would probably help a lot with dealing with the effect.

I have been denying this problem for years on end, assuring everyone, including myself, that I have no need for such antics. I’ve fabricated so many justifications for my actions, but now it’s at the point where I have nothing to do but look at the truth and realize that that’s all there is. I don’t like what I see, but seeing the real thing is better than wallowing in all the fake emotions created to mask the truth. At least operating from this perspective I have a foundation I can start building on, and I want to build a positive, peaceful house on this foundation, not one of those haunted hotels.

Again, thanks all for helping me dig through these self revelations.

(03-28-2010, 10:04 AM)ahktu Wrote: [ -> ]At least operating from this perspective I have a foundation I can start building on, and I want to build a positive, peaceful house on this foundation, not one of those haunted hotels.

Bravo Ahktu !!! I can already notice some movement between the first and the second post. You have it down. You know exactly what you need to do. You have a good plan. And most importantly you have taken the MOST important first step.

The hope comes from the foundation of truth. (It is kind of funny that my computer went into hibernation at this point but I am back again). You have correctly identified that brutal honesty with yourself would give you that foundation that would provide you contentment and peace inside. It may not be pretty earlier but we are here for you...

I had a very similar issue myself. I have always been brutally honest with myself and others to the point of losing friends and irritating family. But I wanted to experience the higher dimensions even when it meant negative attention. I would go hunting for ghosts and low life non-physical entities just to get this kick. It is an addiction. And the way you come out of it is the same way you come out of an addiction. First tell yourself the truth that this is not it. Then find something positive instead and stick with it. Eventually the way will show itself. You don't even have to figure out the entire journey at one go. Just figure out the next few steps and when you get there your light will show the next few. And before you know it the situation has changed... So don't think about hitting the home run just take one step at a time and you will find it...

(03-28-2010, 10:04 AM)ahktu Wrote: [ -> ]Thank you all for the honest replies. Yes, I realize that I have the habit of seeing myself as the victim. I think it is an attempt to hide all the hate I have for various aspects of myself…blaming them on someone else. I have got to realize that until I can square with myself I’m not going to be able to fix any other relationship. In the end I am the only one who can make or break myself, no one else. How I respond is always up to me.

See, you're already in the know... Remember back when you didn't know? You were holding on to a bit of wood in a torrent. Now you already know you're holding the wheel!

So all things considering, you're in great shape. The step from there to here can easily be replicated to get to the next level. No one knows the path, but the next step is usually clear.

Quote:For some reason I have always had the notion in my head that I need to be perfect. Everyone else is excused, but for some reason I’m not allowed to make mistakes. Where does that come from?

Everyone has a partly negative self image, some more some less. But it's pretty much universal. We put conditions on self worth. If I do this or that I will gain or lose self worth. We even put those conditions in the external, if many people tell me I am worthy, then I am worthy. But if you don't feel it inside, you'll always need more.

Again I'm speaking from experience, in my family being smart and academic converted to worth. Which is why I've developed this outrageous professor persona. Which benefited and trapped me. Maybe it was impressed upon you to make no mistakes. Which has benefited you and trapped you.

Seeking perfection must have acquired you success in some areas. And if you're uncertain about your work, polishing it is a calming and successful strategy.

However, self worth is a given. You give it yourself. The rules you've put in place for it are not useful if you never feel bad about yourself or if you never feel good about yourself. Reward yourself for little rights. And coach yourself when you detect little wrongs. Don't excuse, but reward or change. On the whole your average feelings of self worth should be large. It's okay to love yourself without reasons. It will make you less dependent on other peoples approval. This alone will cause people to seek your approval. Which you can then give and feel good about.

Quote:I wonder if it is just another factor in my attention-seeking problem. Did I perhaps create a poor self image in hopes of garnering pity? A façade that eventually developed into a full-blown, very real self hatred?

I'm just a third (or fourth ) opinion of course, but I would consider it the other way round. Your low self image would cause approval seeking behavior. A sign of approval of someone makes you feel more at ease.

Quote:I just don’t understand WHY I want attention so much. I don’t WANT to want it, but I find myself engaging in the same self-destructive behaviors over and over again, all somehow related to getting some kind of attention.

And there's the good news. This is squarely inside your realm of control. Like smoking or drinking it's simply a habit to kick. If you're dead serious you do want to engage the bad behaviors or you would not do it. You want the pay off, the high of the drug. But that's an addiction. Wean yourself off it.

I'm not different. I believe no one is. We all just developed our own methods of feeding our hungers.

Quote:I am not much of a people person. The majority of the time I am content with solitude and would generally prefer to be left alone. Then I have this totally conflicting behavior that brings in the kind of attention that makes me generally want to be alone in the first place. 

To go back to the wolf pack. Maybe you express your desire for attention in a way that attracts "low value" people. Everyone is priceless of course. But some people don't exactly fix you up they more sort of use you and run off. A pro tip, needy behavior (automatically giving everyone that comes around a higher status than yourself) attracts low value people and repels high value people. While status retaining behavior repels low value people and attracts high value people. Most people if you ask a short interested question listen for the answer. And walk off instead of clinging to this initial success. Will seek you out later on because they feel you don't need their approval they will value your approval more and seek it. Then live with abundance in mind, desire people to succeed and they will lift you with their desire for you to succeed.

Quote:Sure, my childhood had some bumps in it, but everyone’s does. I do not think the roots end there. There is something buried so deep in there, and I just can’t quite put my finger on it.

Oh I'm sure there must be something terribly terribly wrong with you so deep on the inside that the rest of us can't see it. You're different. Something like being cursed by the gods. Or having some extremely nasty karmic debt.

It's not there... Its an excuse, you are free.

I had the beast inside. The thing if I did not contain it and suffer from it would destroy the world (mine anyway). The thing that made me less of a human. The thing that made me damned. The thing that ultimately was my own bs projections to excuse myself from the fact that I was not kicking my behind hard enough to actually improve my situation.

So yeah I was damned in a way.

Quote: But I cannot keep denying the effects of these behaviors. I realize I am hurting myself and all there is to do is break the cycle once and for all. Still, knowing the cause would probably help a lot with dealing with the effect.

The cause? Lets go back in time.

Millions of years ago, mammals decided to band together, many ears hear more than two, and many eyes see more than two. Many voices sound much louder and scarier to predators. But to do this you need cohesion. A social structure. Which required hierarchy. And which requires individuals to instinctively understand and obey the hierarchy.

Through physical posture, other body language and vocal communication we developed a flawless hierarchy that would get the smartest strongest in the alpha position and weed out the weaker subjects...

All would be well, but we developed a brain and emotion reinforcing thoughts started messing with the system.

Right now you can have a great body a great mind and sensitive emotions and still talk yourself down to omega level. Or you can be sitting in a wheel chair deformed all over and still end up hanging out with beautiful and wonderful people.

So think smart, reinforce your strengths and develop the skills to cover your weaknesses.

It's the natural path to success.

Quote:I have been denying this problem for years on end, assuring everyone, including myself, that I have no need for such antics. I’ve fabricated so many justifications for my actions, but now it’s at the point where I have nothing to do but look at the truth and realize that that’s all there is. I don’t like what I see, but seeing the real thing is better than wallowing in all the fake emotions created to mask the truth. At least operating from this perspective I have a foundation I can start building on, and I want to build a positive, peaceful house on this foundation, not one of those haunted hotels.

Your kingdom come. Your will be done... In heaven as it is on earth...
That's what this prayer is about isn't it?

You are the creator in your life. You are able to change your life. The question is not so much where am I? But where do I want to go? Don't look into your past so much that you forget to imagine your future.

Namaste

Okay, this is embarrassing, but I’m not exactly sure how to work the “insert quote” thing. This is replying to Ali Quadir’s post, and I just used italics…sorry for my technical in-expertise.

Seeking perfection must have acquired you success in some areas. And if you're uncertain about your work, polishing it is a calming and successful strategy.

I’d have to say my perfectionist nature did benefit me in school, and later in my various jobs. Teachers and bosses noticed that I paid attention to the details and made sure I produced quality work, allowing me to gain their trust and be offered opportunities other students and employees did not get because they were not setting the same standards. At my current job I’ve even been promoted to supervisor, though I really hate it. It’s a pain managing a bunch of people who don’t care about much of anything, but at least I’m getting some leadership catalyst, I guess.

To go back to the wolf pack. Maybe you express your desire for attention in a way that attracts "low value" people. Everyone is priceless of course. But some people don't exactly fix you up they more sort of use you and run off. A pro tip, needy behavior (automatically giving everyone that comes around a higher status than yourself) attracts low value people and repels high value people. While status retaining behavior repels low value people and attracts high value people. Most people if you ask a short interested question listen for the answer. And walk off instead of clinging to this initial success. Will seek you out later on because they feel you don't need their approval they will value your approval more and seek it. Then live with abundance in mind, desire people to succeed and they will lift you with their desire for you to succeed.

I am actually rather selective of my friends…probably why I usually tend to only have a small group of close comrades instead of being in one of the “crowds.” I try to seek out people who share my interest in spiritual seeking, have an open mind and a mature attitude. It has rarely been an acceptance issue for me, or a need to fit in. It’s more like the need to prove that I exist…that other people can see me.

I guess in some way it may tie into my feelings that I’m not doing enough, not completing my mission and all that other angsty stuff a lot of wanderers go through. But instead of processing those feelings all the way down to the core I am bleeding them out in the shallows, doing things that are causing people to recognize me, but are not providing much service to anyone. I suppose that I feel if I am being noticed I am making a difference, but over time I have realized that that difference usually isn’t a positive one when I choose to engage in these behaviors. I think I need to put more specific thought into my actions, making each one count, looking for each opportunity as it comes, instead of waiting for an opportunity to save the world to drop into my lap.


Oh I'm sure there must be something terribly terribly wrong with you so deep on the inside that the rest of us can't see it. You're different. Something like being cursed by the gods. Or having some extremely nasty karmic debt.

That is not the image I was trying to convey at all. I was simply trying to say that I feel there may be behavioral triggers whose source I have not yet discovered. I can’t just trace everything back to childhood and say “there, that sums it up!”. I’ve been around for almost a quarter of a century and a lot of stuff, both good and bad, has gone down. There’s roots upon roots upon roots in there, and untangling them could take a while.

Right now you can have a great body a great mind and sensitive emotions and still talk yourself down to omega level. Or you can be sitting in a wheel chair deformed all over and still end up hanging out with beautiful and wonderful people.
Very true. Very true.

Leadership begins by example.

Love--

fairyfarmgirl

The original way given by Ra to defend yourself against psychic attack is to love the negative entity and the lesson it offers.

Look into the 'human design chart' or tarot or something that suits you. Proof comes in many forms.

First an apology, rereading my words and speaking with you Ahktu I realize I've been too direct and maybe projected some of my own stuff onto you. I was wrong to do so, and I will take more care in the future. I clearly have things to learn in that area.

(03-30-2010, 08:11 PM)ahktu Wrote: [ -> ]I’d have to say my perfectionist nature did benefit me in school, and later in my various jobs. Teachers and bosses noticed that I paid attention to the details and made sure I produced quality work, allowing me to gain their trust and be offered opportunities other students and employees did not get because they were not setting the same standards. At my current job I’ve even been promoted to supervisor, though I really hate it. It’s a pain managing a bunch of people who don’t care about much of anything, but at least I’m getting some leadership catalyst, I guess.

We have a saying in Holland... Every upside has a downside... :-/

Akthu Wrote:Oh I'm sure there must be something terribly terribly wrong with you so deep on the inside that the rest of us can't see it. You're different. Something like being cursed by the gods. Or having some extremely nasty karmic debt.

That is not the image I was trying to convey at all. I was simply trying to say that I feel there may be behavioral triggers whose source I have not yet discovered. I can’t just trace everything back to childhood and say “there, that sums it up!”. I’ve been around for almost a quarter of a century and a lot of stuff, both good and bad, has gone down. There’s roots upon roots upon roots in there, and untangling them could take a while.

This is one of those clear examples of projecting my stuff unto you... I did this self damnation routine, I've seen other people do it and was shown to understand we all do this in one way or the other. That doesn't mean you do it however.

I do still think this has to do with skills more than with understanding the roots. Things we can learn to deal with the world in a different way causing her to put a different weight on our shoulders. Like a computer program. Sometimes we've been doing something the hard way for years and then we figure out there's this small but easily accessible button that does the hard work for us.

I would still suggest looking in that skill set direction. I used to believe some things were "just me" but they weren't they were just "the only me I could envision".

Again my apologies Ahktu...

Ali wrote:

"....Brutal honesty as you call it works. It allows you to be entirely congruent with your choice. And you may actually, in the fray of life, catch glimpses of your friends opening doors and leaving subtle cues. They are there and you can trust their presence but you cannot trust them to fix your life for you...."

Ooof…Ali…funny how you come to place to hear and maybe help others with their problems and have yours addressed. Maybe I needed that.

Welcome back, by the way…you were missed.

Richard

I suppose the universe makes jokes on us like that Richard..
Lesson learned.