04-22-2015, 03:59 PM
--Prologue I can type books. I am sorry in advanced. I will attempt to keep my replies smaller than this post. In addition I often lurk from my phone and will probably have anywhere from 1/4th to 2/3rds of my posts from my old wonky smart phone. Who's slowness glitches up the keyboard interface beautifully. So I apologize in advanced in the future if any of my posts ever look...Badly written. I will attempt to edit and fix up those posts when I can. (especially if they're long and disjointed) (or pointless) (or aimless) (or--
I guess I'll start off with the utmost honesty. I do not know who I am. I like to joke that I am the amnesiac who desperately wants to know his name but can't seem to find it.
I am Joe, my username VanAlioSaldo is actually the name of the original Protagonist of my fiction book, The Truth, of which is many years in the working, rewritten, trashed, retrieved, given up on, and now quietly contemplated on to be written. Started around...11 or 12, I'm fairly certain this singular piece of my own work was what specifically solidified my belief in the Law of One actually, as many concepts of the Universe in terms of metaphysics in my book were mirrored by reality. Actually, most of my books took up artistic styles (I drew all my characters) that I then stumbled upon in Manga's like Naruto and Bleach. The concepts seemed to fit into existence, it made me ultimately decide to contemplate on my book series, The Truth. I might one day complete it, as an epic action-adventure fiction following the life of...Uh. Yeah, so future warning, I can talk about my books for days, do not engage me in this area.
And in fact, I bet this'll be a giant post. (Looking back: Called it...)
So I guess everything began to begin around the age of 11. Then at 22, I awoke. When I was born it was a month early in June of 1992. I was a difficult child, apparently I cried forever for the first 6 months of life. (Though my parents also admit to not being the best...) At Five when I began integrating into school settings I was immediately bullied and picked on. Even before that in my own neighborhood I was bullied by my next door neighbor, and my babysitter's son. Yeah, hellish since she let him get away with it. That all built and built and built until one day it broke me apart inside and I had my first Give Up. I remember feeling like Life had turned out Wrong. That I wasn't even worthy of being around and nothing was correct. I looked at everything around me, and I told it I'd burn it away if it didn't leave me alone. I played Baseball and Soccer, then Chess then Video Games. My Father called a Pitcher at one of my games a Pussy for throwing low balls to strike me out. I actually appreciated the dynamic of Team Play and Sportsmanship. I was so ashamed and embarrassed I threw down my hat and gave up on the sport. As I did Soccer I participated as a Defender. My coach recognized that I didn't want to actually be there, but was being made to by my Mom. Who screamed at me from across a field for, I don't even remember anymore. I made it through that ordeal, and my team won undefeated and one draw. Props went to me, I'm a great Wall.
Then schooling became the focus. Kid's Club after school because I was too young to be home alone. Where I was, and I do not say this lightly, RELENTLESSLY picked on due to the staff of that 'Kid's Club' not caring beyond being sick of stupid children (something I didn't realize until I looked back at they're behavior and words.) As school went on I was practically isolated by people. I went to teachers for help who gave false promises. I talked to counselors who told me I was the problem. I went to psychiatrists who only wanted to prescribe me Abilify and Concerta, to a 10 year old for ADD/ADHD and Depression. I went to Psychologists who made me play in sand gardens and make up stories about what I did in them meant about my life (seriously...). No one once asked me directly, what was wrong. And surely enough, I disconnected completely. By High School, I was a complete loner.
What few friends I had have come and go, only a select few remain, and I pray they will forever... I must admit though. In contrast... From that first give up on Life at 5, and the isolation for so long...17 long, long...Long...Incredibly long...Years passed and so much happened. So much I am still terrified to look upon, to try and forgive and love. Yet I have always been of a desire to be helpful, so much so my first job gave me anxiety because I was terrified of being an issue to someone or getting in the way or dis-servicing someone. My Dad was a drunk, my Mom smoked weed constantly. It made me never drink alcohol until I was 21 and my friends made me on my birthday. I didn't smoke weed or cigarettes or anything until my most recent ex got me into Hookah, which became a type of Zen Habit while meditating (There's a story on smoking and meditating I always love reading). I started smoking weed as a sleep aid for graveyard shifts. Beyond that I actually kind of like it but I don't really like talking about it. I have a great fear of the wrong person finding out... I haven't spoken to my father in almost a year now, he never really did remain in touch, only staying in touch to possibly get with my mom again. My mom was also very indifferent and at times abusive and cruel to me. In 6th grade, because I refused to cut my hair, she pinned me down under her, duct taped my wrists and ankles and tried to cut my hair. She learned the hard way that day that I wouldn't fight back at all. Or maybe...I did... But to her surprise, or maybe some odd realization at what she was doing? I honestly don't know but she stopped that day without a clear reason.
Although, growing up with her was hell. It culminated up to at one point she dragged me by the hair down the hallway for not wanting to go to bed and instead wanting to stay up and play video games (since I could never...Fall asleep anyways.) Wow, I'm actually feeling angry just describing this. I guess I never balanced this memory. Ugh, for a reason. She pulled me down the hallway by the hair, a 120-140 pound kid in 6th-7th grade. That turned into a screaming match that ended with her punching a hole in my wall, calling the cops and telling them I did it. 6 months of anger management and a broken belief in my family as I discovered people who actually had problems, and they quickly discovered I just wanted to be alone and play games, I wasn't violent.
That progressed into high school where a fair share of woman took their turns injuring me, one of which tried to ruin my life by proclaiming I raped her. We never even had sex, even though I was the one who wanted to she instead dated my best friend and immediately got sexually involved with him, turned him against me by making him think I was trying to steal her away (she was trying to cheat on him with me), and finally I gave up on life and had my first suicide attempt. Cutting doesn't do much for me, so I never went through with it, and I despise pain, so self harm was never occurring. No one knew, no one could tell. Though honestly, it didn't matter, because no one cared.
Fast forward to graduation, I didn't attend my graduation ceremony, I didn't go to a single school dance, partake in anything school related, no clubs, no activities, no after-school events. Nothing, I detached myself. Get to college, life got better. I got a car and went into study for IT. 2 years in of relatively quiet life, with my Mom causing chaos as she usually did, I found a girlfriend. Who I honestly thought I was going to marry because I thought we were crazy in love with each other. Who turned out was not the person I thought she was, who lied to me the entire relationship, used me to get pregnant, hid that she stopped taking her birth control from me, used me to leech off of while pregnant, then a week after our son was born, broke up with me, moved to a different state promising to return, then never did until state law severed my parental rights (because this idiot here actually believed her.) Then when all was done, she took every honest dark side about me I was honest with her about, called me some of the most hurtful things I've ever had said to me, and she basically made it a point that she wants me to suffer and not be there for my son at all just so I can suffer. After her my best friend begun leading me on, which led us up into a relationship, for a month, followed by her telling me she wasn't actually in love with me and she just was using me for attention. Which led me to breaking up with her.
Total shocker. So that ended abruptly, and I was finally absolutely alone. Most of my friends were moving on, even the few now I see rarely. Everything kind of fell apart. I almost killed myself over my son for not being able to be there for him as a Father, becoming in essence no different from my Father, if not Worse than him... Carbon Monoxide. Damaged a lot of my childhood memories with moderate carbon monoxide posioning and also never did go to the hospital for that. Most of my childhood memories are fuzzy and blank with only feelings attached now. Makes balancing a bit hard to do, but I've found them returning slowly and becoming clearer and clearer.
I became a bit of a Conspiracy Theorist Truther, discovered everything was not as it seemed. Came across a link to the Law of One by an apparent member of the Lucifer Social Memory Complex, lead me to the Ra Material. From there I got a job working graveyards, to avoid people as much as I could (and it worked) and ended up for probably a month straight every free day just smoking Mint Hookah and reading the Ra Material religiously. When I got into the sessions on archetypes, something happened. I was becoming aware of Life as suddenly feeling Dream Like. Even to this day I get those times where everything is painstakingly hard to differentiate from a Dream like reality. I read about the Chakra's, and then I woke up abruptly, very very suddenly it feels like. One day I decided I'd try out Unconditional Love, I erupted in polarity. I had all the catalyst I needed from my job alone, throughout the night people with issues come in, I can ease their sorrow, solve their problems, or simply extend what Love that I can. It's amazing what a free drink can do, how a small compliment of sincerity can bring forth such joy in people.
As I got into the Archetypes, I began to understand the catalyst coming at me in a way that was nearing an understanding of how my Higher Self utilized catalyst. I begun polarizing so much I began hearing voices in my head, one day they told me to just speak them out-loud and I found I was speaking to myself through myself, self channeling at a scary proficiency, so scary I thought I was developing a psychosis like schizophrenia... Now I just wonder if I'm Asperger's Syndrome lol.
By this time I had begun reading Carla's Living the Law of One 101, The Choice. I was meditating on my chakra system, I had opened myself up to Indigo Ray but then everything very slowly began to slip away. Starting back in December of 2014, all the way into March 2015 was a gradual decline from a placement of loving consciousness back into the egotistical human. From there I realized I was losing my lovingness, and I had run into trouble meditating, couldn't seem to concentrate on anything. Slowly the many things that had fallen away came back. Until around the beginning of April I made a full decline into Red Ray being. Giving up I got very close to attempting suicide.
I have to say that awakening abruptly is. Enjoyable. The archetypes however gave me the means to begin polarizing much faster than I could handle. I had efficiently raised my kundalini faster than I was ready in a matter of weeks lasting into months. I actually do believe I burned myself out because I at one point made it a point to quit being conscientious in a manner towards work in consciousness because it had made me feel so fatigued and exhausted it was interfering with my work. After that the Universe responded and I fulfilled my own point, I literally booted myself out of my own open heart, then closed myself up tightly and terrified that I would have to go through this insanity for a-possible-nother 40 something years.
I didn't get to a point of starving myself or endangering my life (externally) during that time, but being burnt out left me highly vulnerable to psychic attack and left me even more vulnerable to the real psychic attacks, my own towards my self. When you stop being spiritual, when you have all of these concepts of infinity in your head but no Love to unify it all, you get a world of uncertainty that hurts you without clear cause and threatens to snuff you out it feels like. When you stop meditating, the literal collapse of mental habits you worked hard to create causes a depression that sets you back double far.
I am now experiencing once more the feelings of an awakening, after much work in April on my self with the help of Plenum Healer (the ad on lawofone.info) and a renewed desire to bring forth Spirit into my life and be in Love in a manner that is more...Productive for my level of climbing/learning. So hence my true awakening I think is one that spans most of my life. Because I see that moment of giving up at 5 as the first moment I made my choice.
I thought. No One Deserves This. I though. I could never do this to another...I choose at that moment to be of Service to Others unconsciously. At that moment I awoke in a backwards sense, the depth of pain waking me up enough to choose. 17 years later, the Ra Material and work in consciousness shook me awake. I wasn't ready, I fell back asleep. And now I'm finally getting up. (Kind of like in real life...Huh...Odd connection.)
I do believe myself to be of 6th Density, I do honestly hope I'm a part of the Ra Social Memory Complex since for some reason, their words just sound like my own, their concepts all, every single one, rings true for me. As I first read the Ra Material I actually cried because I felt like I had finally found something True and Real. I mean, I bawled my eyes out at one point. The relief of suddenly knowing I have never been alone, in a life FULL of being alone. I realized being Alone was an illusion. I mean, seriously, the word ALONE is in itself ALL ONE put together again. I had this massive desire to continue the Ra Contact for some reason, though I honestly doubt I ever will get the chance to.
Now I just desire to Be, and I desire to Heal others in the long run. I have always wanted a simple life of just living out my existence while enjoying myself. All my life I only yearned for that simple existence. When I discovered a Wanderer aids the planet by just being present, I realized it would explain why I never had any real dreams or goals or aspirations towards anything but a simple life. When I learned that Wanderer's seem to have a predisposition towards being of Service. When I learned Wanderers even exist... Their means of being. I felt like I must've been one, but having read Journey of Souls (great book by the way everyone, highly recommend it!) I thought I must've been a newer soul, until all of these synchronicities just led me to believing without proof that I am a 6th Dimensional Wanderer.
Oh and the oddities of my personality!! I became enthralled, almost obsessed with Paradoxes once I began to realize they were an inherent part of existence. As I contemplated them the Ra Material made a point of pointing out Simultaneity to me. Adding in that around this point I began hearing voices, I also began to decline becoming lost in the concept of Emptiness/Fullness (which is what depleted me down to Red Ray initially), with the Ego mind being the one in charge, it could only comprehend emptiness as the final state of being, making all meaningless. Booted me right out of my heart. Made me curse and deny my own belief and faith. Yes, I have yelled in anger and frustration at the entire Creation as making no sense at times. I have yelled, and I have loved.
I guess I'm just a giant Complex of Paradoxes trying to resolve themselves. I am contradictory in my behavior, it drives me crazy at times! Sometimes I desire to be alone, and when I finally am I actually realize I don't want to be alone! But then when I am not alone, I feel alone then want to just be alone. At this point in my life, at only 22, I don't have much desire to do anything other than attempt to Love Earth and Humanity. And enjoy myself of course.
Despite the crazy odd life of mine, I am not quiet, I can talk your face off with the proper topic. I am seeking and I oh so desperately, so badly, BADLY wish I could just know my name. If I could afford it I'd do age regression hypnosis to peer into my pre-incarnative state to at the very least, learn my name. I do not know what this obsession of knowing my soul name is all about, but for some reason it drives me. As does the belief that the Law of One is truly more expansive and involving than Ra let's on. I'm actually a very neutral person at times. Especially when I'm tired or working, I attempt to be positive, but at the very least I can at least just enjoy Being. Otherwise, I'm loving, thoughtful, highly contemplative, a bit of a whiner, and very very pacifistic. I'm done with conflict and fighting. It is truly a fruitless effort that bears no use for me. I'd rather be loving to death than fight to survive, I don't want to literally go through with that if I must but, I guess Jesus is my inspiration for that. Forgive Them, For They Know Not What They Do.
I'd rather offer love than hate. It makes me a target for many manipulative people who have used me again and again. Yet I walk tall and unbent yet flexible. I am Love and Light, and you cannot injure that which I am, you cannot destroy me or ruin me. I am not muddied and soiled or broken and destroyed. I am the Creator and the Created. I am not unlike you, but I am also unique and different from you. Yet we are all similar, if not, nearly the same. I deal with manners of isolation, separation, and disconnection pretty fluently now, having experienced a good portion of my life mostly alone after I forced my Mom not to make me go to Kid's Club as a kid, spending most days in my room or in the house all alone playing Runescape or my xbox or my DS. Too naive to know how well I had it, yet smart enough to feel ashamed of not appreciating what I had more.
And I honestly guess if I had any regret right now in my life... It'd be one thing. I had a cat named Clem, who passed away literally a few months before I awoke. I did not treat my Clem very well when I was a child, since we grew up together. And honestly I know, I know I could have given him so much more love. I think that is truly my only real regret despite having similar issues with my deceased Grandpa and Half-Sister who both died with our last words sour and on a bad point. Hell, my last words to my Grandpa the last time I saw him was 'I hate you'. That man was the father of my mother, a grouchy old man as far as I could tell who treated me really badly for whatever reason, I don't know, and I don't care. My last words to him were adequate for his behavior towards me at that young age. I wonder what it must be like, dying knowing the last thing your grand son said to you was he hated you... Hmm. Then my half sister, who I still don't know if she committed suicide or accidentally overdosed on heroin, our last words were along the lines of an argument towards each other's words.
And yet I think she knew I loved her and I know she loved me, even if she basically discarded me it felt like.
But then there's Clem. Who, because I simply just did not pet him enough and give him enough attention, I find myself still crying about how much more I could have done for him as a consciousness. I personally feel like I failed myself in that aspect, a reminder that I must still forgive myself for that, but just don't want to right now simply because it's not time.
I have karma accrued in this life too, already... That I desire to not only end with forgiveness, but remedy with positive action. Animals to treat and help. People to treat and help.
A world in need of healing.
Finally, I am Tired. I have been exhausted mentally and physically for as long as I can remember. Typically, I think have low physical energy it feels like, and just an overactive Mind that exhausts itself. Especially now that I'm having a hard time meditating. I think it's my defining trait at work to all of my customers. I think some of them know me as, "Evening, I'm tired." Lol
As I am right now, it's 12:52pm, or on my work/sleep schedule, 12:52am. I'm half asleep typing this literally only because I am just so happy to have found this forum, to read things that I've thought and think, "Hey, I'm not alone in that either! Ego Delusions? I know that! Emptiness and madness?? I know that too!"
So thank you for being present.
And thank you headache, for making this post so hard to focus on. Good night World
With Love and Light everyone.
I guess I'll start off with the utmost honesty. I do not know who I am. I like to joke that I am the amnesiac who desperately wants to know his name but can't seem to find it.
I am Joe, my username VanAlioSaldo is actually the name of the original Protagonist of my fiction book, The Truth, of which is many years in the working, rewritten, trashed, retrieved, given up on, and now quietly contemplated on to be written. Started around...11 or 12, I'm fairly certain this singular piece of my own work was what specifically solidified my belief in the Law of One actually, as many concepts of the Universe in terms of metaphysics in my book were mirrored by reality. Actually, most of my books took up artistic styles (I drew all my characters) that I then stumbled upon in Manga's like Naruto and Bleach. The concepts seemed to fit into existence, it made me ultimately decide to contemplate on my book series, The Truth. I might one day complete it, as an epic action-adventure fiction following the life of...Uh. Yeah, so future warning, I can talk about my books for days, do not engage me in this area.
And in fact, I bet this'll be a giant post. (Looking back: Called it...)
So I guess everything began to begin around the age of 11. Then at 22, I awoke. When I was born it was a month early in June of 1992. I was a difficult child, apparently I cried forever for the first 6 months of life. (Though my parents also admit to not being the best...) At Five when I began integrating into school settings I was immediately bullied and picked on. Even before that in my own neighborhood I was bullied by my next door neighbor, and my babysitter's son. Yeah, hellish since she let him get away with it. That all built and built and built until one day it broke me apart inside and I had my first Give Up. I remember feeling like Life had turned out Wrong. That I wasn't even worthy of being around and nothing was correct. I looked at everything around me, and I told it I'd burn it away if it didn't leave me alone. I played Baseball and Soccer, then Chess then Video Games. My Father called a Pitcher at one of my games a Pussy for throwing low balls to strike me out. I actually appreciated the dynamic of Team Play and Sportsmanship. I was so ashamed and embarrassed I threw down my hat and gave up on the sport. As I did Soccer I participated as a Defender. My coach recognized that I didn't want to actually be there, but was being made to by my Mom. Who screamed at me from across a field for, I don't even remember anymore. I made it through that ordeal, and my team won undefeated and one draw. Props went to me, I'm a great Wall.
Then schooling became the focus. Kid's Club after school because I was too young to be home alone. Where I was, and I do not say this lightly, RELENTLESSLY picked on due to the staff of that 'Kid's Club' not caring beyond being sick of stupid children (something I didn't realize until I looked back at they're behavior and words.) As school went on I was practically isolated by people. I went to teachers for help who gave false promises. I talked to counselors who told me I was the problem. I went to psychiatrists who only wanted to prescribe me Abilify and Concerta, to a 10 year old for ADD/ADHD and Depression. I went to Psychologists who made me play in sand gardens and make up stories about what I did in them meant about my life (seriously...). No one once asked me directly, what was wrong. And surely enough, I disconnected completely. By High School, I was a complete loner.
What few friends I had have come and go, only a select few remain, and I pray they will forever... I must admit though. In contrast... From that first give up on Life at 5, and the isolation for so long...17 long, long...Long...Incredibly long...Years passed and so much happened. So much I am still terrified to look upon, to try and forgive and love. Yet I have always been of a desire to be helpful, so much so my first job gave me anxiety because I was terrified of being an issue to someone or getting in the way or dis-servicing someone. My Dad was a drunk, my Mom smoked weed constantly. It made me never drink alcohol until I was 21 and my friends made me on my birthday. I didn't smoke weed or cigarettes or anything until my most recent ex got me into Hookah, which became a type of Zen Habit while meditating (There's a story on smoking and meditating I always love reading). I started smoking weed as a sleep aid for graveyard shifts. Beyond that I actually kind of like it but I don't really like talking about it. I have a great fear of the wrong person finding out... I haven't spoken to my father in almost a year now, he never really did remain in touch, only staying in touch to possibly get with my mom again. My mom was also very indifferent and at times abusive and cruel to me. In 6th grade, because I refused to cut my hair, she pinned me down under her, duct taped my wrists and ankles and tried to cut my hair. She learned the hard way that day that I wouldn't fight back at all. Or maybe...I did... But to her surprise, or maybe some odd realization at what she was doing? I honestly don't know but she stopped that day without a clear reason.
Although, growing up with her was hell. It culminated up to at one point she dragged me by the hair down the hallway for not wanting to go to bed and instead wanting to stay up and play video games (since I could never...Fall asleep anyways.) Wow, I'm actually feeling angry just describing this. I guess I never balanced this memory. Ugh, for a reason. She pulled me down the hallway by the hair, a 120-140 pound kid in 6th-7th grade. That turned into a screaming match that ended with her punching a hole in my wall, calling the cops and telling them I did it. 6 months of anger management and a broken belief in my family as I discovered people who actually had problems, and they quickly discovered I just wanted to be alone and play games, I wasn't violent.
That progressed into high school where a fair share of woman took their turns injuring me, one of which tried to ruin my life by proclaiming I raped her. We never even had sex, even though I was the one who wanted to she instead dated my best friend and immediately got sexually involved with him, turned him against me by making him think I was trying to steal her away (she was trying to cheat on him with me), and finally I gave up on life and had my first suicide attempt. Cutting doesn't do much for me, so I never went through with it, and I despise pain, so self harm was never occurring. No one knew, no one could tell. Though honestly, it didn't matter, because no one cared.
Fast forward to graduation, I didn't attend my graduation ceremony, I didn't go to a single school dance, partake in anything school related, no clubs, no activities, no after-school events. Nothing, I detached myself. Get to college, life got better. I got a car and went into study for IT. 2 years in of relatively quiet life, with my Mom causing chaos as she usually did, I found a girlfriend. Who I honestly thought I was going to marry because I thought we were crazy in love with each other. Who turned out was not the person I thought she was, who lied to me the entire relationship, used me to get pregnant, hid that she stopped taking her birth control from me, used me to leech off of while pregnant, then a week after our son was born, broke up with me, moved to a different state promising to return, then never did until state law severed my parental rights (because this idiot here actually believed her.) Then when all was done, she took every honest dark side about me I was honest with her about, called me some of the most hurtful things I've ever had said to me, and she basically made it a point that she wants me to suffer and not be there for my son at all just so I can suffer. After her my best friend begun leading me on, which led us up into a relationship, for a month, followed by her telling me she wasn't actually in love with me and she just was using me for attention. Which led me to breaking up with her.
Total shocker. So that ended abruptly, and I was finally absolutely alone. Most of my friends were moving on, even the few now I see rarely. Everything kind of fell apart. I almost killed myself over my son for not being able to be there for him as a Father, becoming in essence no different from my Father, if not Worse than him... Carbon Monoxide. Damaged a lot of my childhood memories with moderate carbon monoxide posioning and also never did go to the hospital for that. Most of my childhood memories are fuzzy and blank with only feelings attached now. Makes balancing a bit hard to do, but I've found them returning slowly and becoming clearer and clearer.
I became a bit of a Conspiracy Theorist Truther, discovered everything was not as it seemed. Came across a link to the Law of One by an apparent member of the Lucifer Social Memory Complex, lead me to the Ra Material. From there I got a job working graveyards, to avoid people as much as I could (and it worked) and ended up for probably a month straight every free day just smoking Mint Hookah and reading the Ra Material religiously. When I got into the sessions on archetypes, something happened. I was becoming aware of Life as suddenly feeling Dream Like. Even to this day I get those times where everything is painstakingly hard to differentiate from a Dream like reality. I read about the Chakra's, and then I woke up abruptly, very very suddenly it feels like. One day I decided I'd try out Unconditional Love, I erupted in polarity. I had all the catalyst I needed from my job alone, throughout the night people with issues come in, I can ease their sorrow, solve their problems, or simply extend what Love that I can. It's amazing what a free drink can do, how a small compliment of sincerity can bring forth such joy in people.
As I got into the Archetypes, I began to understand the catalyst coming at me in a way that was nearing an understanding of how my Higher Self utilized catalyst. I begun polarizing so much I began hearing voices in my head, one day they told me to just speak them out-loud and I found I was speaking to myself through myself, self channeling at a scary proficiency, so scary I thought I was developing a psychosis like schizophrenia... Now I just wonder if I'm Asperger's Syndrome lol.
By this time I had begun reading Carla's Living the Law of One 101, The Choice. I was meditating on my chakra system, I had opened myself up to Indigo Ray but then everything very slowly began to slip away. Starting back in December of 2014, all the way into March 2015 was a gradual decline from a placement of loving consciousness back into the egotistical human. From there I realized I was losing my lovingness, and I had run into trouble meditating, couldn't seem to concentrate on anything. Slowly the many things that had fallen away came back. Until around the beginning of April I made a full decline into Red Ray being. Giving up I got very close to attempting suicide.
I have to say that awakening abruptly is. Enjoyable. The archetypes however gave me the means to begin polarizing much faster than I could handle. I had efficiently raised my kundalini faster than I was ready in a matter of weeks lasting into months. I actually do believe I burned myself out because I at one point made it a point to quit being conscientious in a manner towards work in consciousness because it had made me feel so fatigued and exhausted it was interfering with my work. After that the Universe responded and I fulfilled my own point, I literally booted myself out of my own open heart, then closed myself up tightly and terrified that I would have to go through this insanity for a-possible-nother 40 something years.
I didn't get to a point of starving myself or endangering my life (externally) during that time, but being burnt out left me highly vulnerable to psychic attack and left me even more vulnerable to the real psychic attacks, my own towards my self. When you stop being spiritual, when you have all of these concepts of infinity in your head but no Love to unify it all, you get a world of uncertainty that hurts you without clear cause and threatens to snuff you out it feels like. When you stop meditating, the literal collapse of mental habits you worked hard to create causes a depression that sets you back double far.
I am now experiencing once more the feelings of an awakening, after much work in April on my self with the help of Plenum Healer (the ad on lawofone.info) and a renewed desire to bring forth Spirit into my life and be in Love in a manner that is more...Productive for my level of climbing/learning. So hence my true awakening I think is one that spans most of my life. Because I see that moment of giving up at 5 as the first moment I made my choice.
I thought. No One Deserves This. I though. I could never do this to another...I choose at that moment to be of Service to Others unconsciously. At that moment I awoke in a backwards sense, the depth of pain waking me up enough to choose. 17 years later, the Ra Material and work in consciousness shook me awake. I wasn't ready, I fell back asleep. And now I'm finally getting up. (Kind of like in real life...Huh...Odd connection.)
I do believe myself to be of 6th Density, I do honestly hope I'm a part of the Ra Social Memory Complex since for some reason, their words just sound like my own, their concepts all, every single one, rings true for me. As I first read the Ra Material I actually cried because I felt like I had finally found something True and Real. I mean, I bawled my eyes out at one point. The relief of suddenly knowing I have never been alone, in a life FULL of being alone. I realized being Alone was an illusion. I mean, seriously, the word ALONE is in itself ALL ONE put together again. I had this massive desire to continue the Ra Contact for some reason, though I honestly doubt I ever will get the chance to.
Now I just desire to Be, and I desire to Heal others in the long run. I have always wanted a simple life of just living out my existence while enjoying myself. All my life I only yearned for that simple existence. When I discovered a Wanderer aids the planet by just being present, I realized it would explain why I never had any real dreams or goals or aspirations towards anything but a simple life. When I learned that Wanderer's seem to have a predisposition towards being of Service. When I learned Wanderers even exist... Their means of being. I felt like I must've been one, but having read Journey of Souls (great book by the way everyone, highly recommend it!) I thought I must've been a newer soul, until all of these synchronicities just led me to believing without proof that I am a 6th Dimensional Wanderer.
Oh and the oddities of my personality!! I became enthralled, almost obsessed with Paradoxes once I began to realize they were an inherent part of existence. As I contemplated them the Ra Material made a point of pointing out Simultaneity to me. Adding in that around this point I began hearing voices, I also began to decline becoming lost in the concept of Emptiness/Fullness (which is what depleted me down to Red Ray initially), with the Ego mind being the one in charge, it could only comprehend emptiness as the final state of being, making all meaningless. Booted me right out of my heart. Made me curse and deny my own belief and faith. Yes, I have yelled in anger and frustration at the entire Creation as making no sense at times. I have yelled, and I have loved.
I guess I'm just a giant Complex of Paradoxes trying to resolve themselves. I am contradictory in my behavior, it drives me crazy at times! Sometimes I desire to be alone, and when I finally am I actually realize I don't want to be alone! But then when I am not alone, I feel alone then want to just be alone. At this point in my life, at only 22, I don't have much desire to do anything other than attempt to Love Earth and Humanity. And enjoy myself of course.
Despite the crazy odd life of mine, I am not quiet, I can talk your face off with the proper topic. I am seeking and I oh so desperately, so badly, BADLY wish I could just know my name. If I could afford it I'd do age regression hypnosis to peer into my pre-incarnative state to at the very least, learn my name. I do not know what this obsession of knowing my soul name is all about, but for some reason it drives me. As does the belief that the Law of One is truly more expansive and involving than Ra let's on. I'm actually a very neutral person at times. Especially when I'm tired or working, I attempt to be positive, but at the very least I can at least just enjoy Being. Otherwise, I'm loving, thoughtful, highly contemplative, a bit of a whiner, and very very pacifistic. I'm done with conflict and fighting. It is truly a fruitless effort that bears no use for me. I'd rather be loving to death than fight to survive, I don't want to literally go through with that if I must but, I guess Jesus is my inspiration for that. Forgive Them, For They Know Not What They Do.
I'd rather offer love than hate. It makes me a target for many manipulative people who have used me again and again. Yet I walk tall and unbent yet flexible. I am Love and Light, and you cannot injure that which I am, you cannot destroy me or ruin me. I am not muddied and soiled or broken and destroyed. I am the Creator and the Created. I am not unlike you, but I am also unique and different from you. Yet we are all similar, if not, nearly the same. I deal with manners of isolation, separation, and disconnection pretty fluently now, having experienced a good portion of my life mostly alone after I forced my Mom not to make me go to Kid's Club as a kid, spending most days in my room or in the house all alone playing Runescape or my xbox or my DS. Too naive to know how well I had it, yet smart enough to feel ashamed of not appreciating what I had more.
And I honestly guess if I had any regret right now in my life... It'd be one thing. I had a cat named Clem, who passed away literally a few months before I awoke. I did not treat my Clem very well when I was a child, since we grew up together. And honestly I know, I know I could have given him so much more love. I think that is truly my only real regret despite having similar issues with my deceased Grandpa and Half-Sister who both died with our last words sour and on a bad point. Hell, my last words to my Grandpa the last time I saw him was 'I hate you'. That man was the father of my mother, a grouchy old man as far as I could tell who treated me really badly for whatever reason, I don't know, and I don't care. My last words to him were adequate for his behavior towards me at that young age. I wonder what it must be like, dying knowing the last thing your grand son said to you was he hated you... Hmm. Then my half sister, who I still don't know if she committed suicide or accidentally overdosed on heroin, our last words were along the lines of an argument towards each other's words.
And yet I think she knew I loved her and I know she loved me, even if she basically discarded me it felt like.
But then there's Clem. Who, because I simply just did not pet him enough and give him enough attention, I find myself still crying about how much more I could have done for him as a consciousness. I personally feel like I failed myself in that aspect, a reminder that I must still forgive myself for that, but just don't want to right now simply because it's not time.
I have karma accrued in this life too, already... That I desire to not only end with forgiveness, but remedy with positive action. Animals to treat and help. People to treat and help.
A world in need of healing.
Finally, I am Tired. I have been exhausted mentally and physically for as long as I can remember. Typically, I think have low physical energy it feels like, and just an overactive Mind that exhausts itself. Especially now that I'm having a hard time meditating. I think it's my defining trait at work to all of my customers. I think some of them know me as, "Evening, I'm tired." Lol
As I am right now, it's 12:52pm, or on my work/sleep schedule, 12:52am. I'm half asleep typing this literally only because I am just so happy to have found this forum, to read things that I've thought and think, "Hey, I'm not alone in that either! Ego Delusions? I know that! Emptiness and madness?? I know that too!"
So thank you for being present.
And thank you headache, for making this post so hard to focus on. Good night World
With Love and Light everyone.
