Bring4th

Tsh said something in my other thread that sparked this thread. i wanna talk about being special.

this word has a myriad of positive and negative connotations. to me it means different things depending on context.

i will tell u of my life as a special baby as i recall it.


i was born by cesarian section because my spoon head was too big. that's special, right?

i remember being a happy baby.

my mom will tell u i cried a lot.

my old kindergarten teacher will say i was annoying and always sick. (it's what she said to mom, who was probably overworked supporting her alien husband and alien baby while studying at university at the same time.)

i had migraines from infancy. i probably had migraines in the womb. i don't remember a time without them. but other than that i was happy.

i was in effect an alien. u can blame autism or soul n00bness. i just remember not knowing what was going on. all the time. people wanted things i didn't understand. expected things i didn't have in me to give. they were frequently disappointed by me. social rituals i didn't find logical totally confounded me. i tried but didn't understand. i just wanted to be.

as i grew i kept making social goofs. i said the wrong things. these accumulated. i was also cheerful, and popular and i loved making friends. i was happy around my beloved friends. i loved them so much. i thought they loved me back despite me being alien. (i knew i was an alien all along inside but it wasn't appropriate to say too often. i said it jokingly while i meant it) they didn't really love me though and losing them changed me profoundly.

so, around 13 while i was losing my childhood friends i was also getting depressed. probably hormones. my social goofs had amassed to the point where i felt eclipsed by them. my identity started to warp and break.

i became isolated. i was a failure. i wasn't good enough to keep. people i considered fundamental family didn't want to be around me anymore. that still hurts so much. i still dream about them all. i feel like a dream stalker. i would eternal sunshine of the spotless mind them all if i could.

i made some friends after that but i never got attached again. friends come & go.

i'm 32 now. the last couple decades have been identity chaos, failed socializing and isolation and just spiralling into a very dark opinion of myself. but it all taught me a lot.

in the end i now know that i'm not a person. i'm just me. people don't understand that and i can't make them. i will never fit in with people here on earth because they are people. i'm not. i don't see that as special. but it is different. i don't know how not to be. i've always wanted to just be accepted, different or not. i've gone fruitloops because i'll never be accepted into this world i love. i have so much self loathing in my subconscious. but also stubborn insistence to be myself.

that's my story, really. i have no word for myself except Me.

this isn't my wanderer story. it's my who do u think u are? thread.

what does alien/wanderer mean to u? how have u been different? do u wish u could be better at blending in? do u want to stand out?

y can't we like everyone? people that blend in and people that stand out. both bring something important to the table.

will u tell me about u?

A hundred times I've sat down on a stool at a crowded dance bar at 6pm and left at 2am, never having talked to another person except the barkeep.
I enjoy the company but have nothing to say.
The same pattern is repeated throughout my life.
Sitting across the breakroom table from someone I work with every day. Again. Nothing to talk about.
I was kicked out of nursery school on my second day.

It can sure tend to give you a complex.

Yet people always respond well to me and are comfortable being open very quickly. But that's almost always in a one on one.

The whole thing used to bother me a lot.
Then I gave up trying to be something I wasn't.
Examined what I am. Accepted what I am.

And I discovered my uniqueness.

I AM content. Happy even.

that's great Berilac. thanks for sharing.

You'll find those you resonate with Bluebell.

Have you read A Wanderers Handbook?

http://www.llresearch.org/library/a_wand...k_pdf.aspx

Very helpful.

You've been so kind to me Bluebell, I never realized your troubles before.

I've had my share of troubles growing up. I was in a group home because of depression and other things.
My life has been pretty much one big depressed mood.

When a new Disney film that is going to come out and I hear about it, I get sad/mad instead of excited.

I just feel like I don't fit in with their production team, and nor could I since I don't have the talents.

My whole body just hurts sometimes. Pain shooting through my legs too, and my sides hurt.

I had to stop drinking because of my meds. I couldn't miss taking them.

do u want to work as a disney toonist?

(06-28-2015, 02:07 PM)Bluebell Wrote: [ -> ]do u want to work as a disney toonist?

Honestly it would probably get old. I don't really like drawing all that much, but they do a lot of 3D now.
Which is ok.

well i think disney could use someone like u  it's their loss.

why do u feel sad then about disney movies coming out?

It's just part of my depression. Later on I'll feel happy when they're released, but in the time leading up to their release I can't help but feel sad.

i feel depressed about crap too. i wanna feel happier. i've been trying to be less affected by trivial sucky stuff.

Thanks Bluebell for this thread. I see what you mean by special. I have been an object of ridicule my entire life and my childhood was crappy, with no parents and abusive relatives...now i don't even have real friends, and those who come by, its because they need something from me. I try to take life step at a time,discovering the LOO has helped me to view life positively and to deal with tonnes of catalysts that have flown my way.

I'm attending a hospital program for depression and anxiety while I am out of work, but I'd rather be doing nothing at all. I have to drive like 40 miles, and be a part of group discussions. And they tell me I can't drink anymore.

(06-28-2015, 04:06 PM)IndigoGeminiWolf Wrote: [ -> ]I'm attending a hospital program for depression and anxiety while I am out of work, but I'd rather be doing nothing at all. I have to drive like 40 miles, and be a part of group discussions. And they tell me I can't drink anymore.

Would you agree or not? And why?

I'd agree because I tend to miss my meds when I drink late. But to hear that never again can I drink at all, that's what gets me.

I wonder if anyone really feels like they fit in anywhere, or if every single person is just faking it, and watching others fake it, and assuming others have something they don't. 


I've long given up on being understood or feeling that I belong. It is just not going to happen. 

My friends straight up ask me to be someone other than my Self when we go out together, because they find me embarrassing. I've gotten to the point that I don't even try to explain myself. I doubt anyone I know recognizes the depth of the facade they are talking to, because the facade in itself is so complex and pretty.

I have seen my true power, and it is great and terrible. I am Change upon the earth, never standing still, burning up every system I touch. Who can befriend a force of nature? Who lingers near an inferno? I will be gone tomorrow, pushing ever-farther into the unknown, perpetually dying to myself and being reborn, and who would dare to follow me into that abyss? To truly know me is to find all you think you know shattered and cast as dust into the wind. To walk with me is to step through the valley of the Shadow of Death. I am cloaked in darkness because my light is blinding and every song I sing is for you.

Oh yeah, I also channel stuff like that ^ cause I've got the hook-up with you-know-who. I am so fuc%ing special. 

So done with pretending.

*backs slowly away from Yera*

your heinous truths make for beautiful poetry. they're skates made of razorblades dancing gracefully but horrifically. i wish everyone would say s*** like that instead of platitudes and polite chitchat.

Skates made of razor blades. I'm going to add that one to my repertoire.

it's a nice image.

I can get with the special weird different, but you / we are not defective!! That's just propaganda from the self- proclaimed perfect people.