ayadew
01-24-2009, 04:32 PM
Hello everyone, this is my Wanderer story, which I have come to identify myself as.
I stumbled upon the Law of One information by recommendation from a friend, who felt drawn to this. And as I read more I also felt very drawn to this. It was with great scepticism at first, but as information was unraveled to me it all made sense. Desires I had never been quite aware of came to me, and it was all in line with everything of Law of One. It was the most intense feeling of “coming home” I’ve ever felt in my life, although novadays slightly dimished, I cannot turn away from the path it has teached me.
All my unstructured and confusing spiritual experiences started to make sense. I've had so many confusing memories. As I read the Law of One I feel remembrance from these feint memories. They are of something greater than what I know here, something that actually makes sense. This world has always looked as an illusion to me, something that could fall apart at any moment. I have never been afraid of dying. If it's ignorance or knowledge I do not know, but it has never mattered.
I have my doubts of course. One cannot believe in anything as an absolute truth in this density, due to the paradoxes that exists. "If truth does not exist, the statement "truth does not exist" is a truth, thereby proving itself incorrect." The illusion of time, cause and effect and logic are great. They bind many. But when you realise that time is relative and all is transient, not many things make sense anymore, it all ends up with the ancient occult mystery: Nothing Is Known.
The characteristic I remember from most of my life is that I’ve never felt part of my family or the world, like most of you here. I’ve tried, but there has never been true loyalty to “here” = my life situation. Perhaps I do not understand all things about loyalty since it has never been important, or was. This detatchment has given me much pain and sorrow, although I suppose it’s not much different from what most people go through. Some people seem to find their place. My views were constantly changing, althought the ultimate goal is to find some spiritual satability.
My family did find me odd, and still does. My mother seriously wounding the little known of self I had accumulated in my early days. My father handling me with care, but like nitroglycerine, just waiting to explode. My sister, always loving, but also defensive. The people of my community/school never accepting me, giving me no encouragement or reason to be with them. I don’t think I ever hated them for it. I met it with cold neutrality, their behaviour completely alien to me, thinking elsewhere in space and time. This likely encouraged me to STS activities. But I've not had much experience in this life yet, I'm merely 21 years old.
I have real memories of being completely out of sync with this existence until I was 15 or so. At the age of 10 I almost committed suicide, so tired was I spiritually of this place. Madness. It was not for me. It didn't want me either. So I started looking inwards instead.
And since then I've been a searcher, indulging carelessly into everything that has crossed my mind. Martial arts, religion, music, art, meditation, demonology, composing novels, traveling, carnal experiments, mathematics, tarot, etc etc. Many philosophies and views of existence I have explored or re-invented, for most paradoxes and contradictions are already known to man, limited as we are in this 3:rd density world. I thought I had whole new views of thinking, only to realise people had thought this over 4000 years ago already.
My interests has been many, but a direct result of this is that I have got no deeper understanding in any of my fleeting interests. My spiritual hunger is seemingly insatible, almost comparable with material gluttony.
The thought of that disgusts me sometimes, but I am so in love with knowledge. I wish to know all of it. All people, all their thoughts and experiences, all logic and paradoxes which clusters our view of existence. I cannot simply stop and focus on one thing, then I will miss so many experiences. A common interest has been art, music and beauty in general. I cannot picture my life without music and things to be marveled by, they feel very natural and fundamental. Materialism itself has never been of much worth to me unless it could or gave promise to some spiritual experience. Video games has always been a central part of my life, and I now realise it’s only because they were a gateway to a world beyond this. I do not play much anymore though.
I've always loved looking up at the stars, fascinated by them. In my early years, it was something infinitely more interesting than the fairly predictable physical parts of life on this planet. Now it is everything.
It is my home.
In my later years, I’ve come to understand the value of other people. As I was on the path of Service to Self for a long time, much of that I have described above was to STS goals I've come to learn.
The LOO material struck me quite hard, and since then I’ve been quite kind and loving. The love for others is the only reason I don’t grow detatched again, dreaming away to other things. To worlds and realities that has never been in this existence. I still cannot fully understand other people though. When people show strong feelings around me I feel very lost. I know I am capable of them, I know the reasons to why they do such, but I never lose my temper or really cry... it's as if I'm never fully "here". I'm mentally halfway somewhere else.
So in most ways my personality does represent an Wanderer, although with some contradictions. There has not been a natural attatchment or dedicaiton to other people. It has grown over time. This might be because of my childhood experiences, I’m not sure. Maybe I even was a STS entity, and changed to STO. This will be quite interesting to learn if I make the Harvest. Currently I do not really wish to make the Harvest though. If I came here for a reason, which is a rare and great honor, I wish to teach/learn as much as possible.
Peace and love.
I stumbled upon the Law of One information by recommendation from a friend, who felt drawn to this. And as I read more I also felt very drawn to this. It was with great scepticism at first, but as information was unraveled to me it all made sense. Desires I had never been quite aware of came to me, and it was all in line with everything of Law of One. It was the most intense feeling of “coming home” I’ve ever felt in my life, although novadays slightly dimished, I cannot turn away from the path it has teached me.
All my unstructured and confusing spiritual experiences started to make sense. I've had so many confusing memories. As I read the Law of One I feel remembrance from these feint memories. They are of something greater than what I know here, something that actually makes sense. This world has always looked as an illusion to me, something that could fall apart at any moment. I have never been afraid of dying. If it's ignorance or knowledge I do not know, but it has never mattered.
I have my doubts of course. One cannot believe in anything as an absolute truth in this density, due to the paradoxes that exists. "If truth does not exist, the statement "truth does not exist" is a truth, thereby proving itself incorrect." The illusion of time, cause and effect and logic are great. They bind many. But when you realise that time is relative and all is transient, not many things make sense anymore, it all ends up with the ancient occult mystery: Nothing Is Known.
The characteristic I remember from most of my life is that I’ve never felt part of my family or the world, like most of you here. I’ve tried, but there has never been true loyalty to “here” = my life situation. Perhaps I do not understand all things about loyalty since it has never been important, or was. This detatchment has given me much pain and sorrow, although I suppose it’s not much different from what most people go through. Some people seem to find their place. My views were constantly changing, althought the ultimate goal is to find some spiritual satability.
My family did find me odd, and still does. My mother seriously wounding the little known of self I had accumulated in my early days. My father handling me with care, but like nitroglycerine, just waiting to explode. My sister, always loving, but also defensive. The people of my community/school never accepting me, giving me no encouragement or reason to be with them. I don’t think I ever hated them for it. I met it with cold neutrality, their behaviour completely alien to me, thinking elsewhere in space and time. This likely encouraged me to STS activities. But I've not had much experience in this life yet, I'm merely 21 years old.
I have real memories of being completely out of sync with this existence until I was 15 or so. At the age of 10 I almost committed suicide, so tired was I spiritually of this place. Madness. It was not for me. It didn't want me either. So I started looking inwards instead.
And since then I've been a searcher, indulging carelessly into everything that has crossed my mind. Martial arts, religion, music, art, meditation, demonology, composing novels, traveling, carnal experiments, mathematics, tarot, etc etc. Many philosophies and views of existence I have explored or re-invented, for most paradoxes and contradictions are already known to man, limited as we are in this 3:rd density world. I thought I had whole new views of thinking, only to realise people had thought this over 4000 years ago already.
My interests has been many, but a direct result of this is that I have got no deeper understanding in any of my fleeting interests. My spiritual hunger is seemingly insatible, almost comparable with material gluttony.
The thought of that disgusts me sometimes, but I am so in love with knowledge. I wish to know all of it. All people, all their thoughts and experiences, all logic and paradoxes which clusters our view of existence. I cannot simply stop and focus on one thing, then I will miss so many experiences. A common interest has been art, music and beauty in general. I cannot picture my life without music and things to be marveled by, they feel very natural and fundamental. Materialism itself has never been of much worth to me unless it could or gave promise to some spiritual experience. Video games has always been a central part of my life, and I now realise it’s only because they were a gateway to a world beyond this. I do not play much anymore though.
I've always loved looking up at the stars, fascinated by them. In my early years, it was something infinitely more interesting than the fairly predictable physical parts of life on this planet. Now it is everything.
It is my home.
In my later years, I’ve come to understand the value of other people. As I was on the path of Service to Self for a long time, much of that I have described above was to STS goals I've come to learn.
The LOO material struck me quite hard, and since then I’ve been quite kind and loving. The love for others is the only reason I don’t grow detatched again, dreaming away to other things. To worlds and realities that has never been in this existence. I still cannot fully understand other people though. When people show strong feelings around me I feel very lost. I know I am capable of them, I know the reasons to why they do such, but I never lose my temper or really cry... it's as if I'm never fully "here". I'm mentally halfway somewhere else.
So in most ways my personality does represent an Wanderer, although with some contradictions. There has not been a natural attatchment or dedicaiton to other people. It has grown over time. This might be because of my childhood experiences, I’m not sure. Maybe I even was a STS entity, and changed to STO. This will be quite interesting to learn if I make the Harvest. Currently I do not really wish to make the Harvest though. If I came here for a reason, which is a rare and great honor, I wish to teach/learn as much as possible.
Peace and love.
