11-03-2015, 07:33 AM
I've got one shot and I can't lose.
A year ago I took a step into shallow darkness and tread not so lightly into the dark Night of the Soul. I stopped meditating knowing the consequences. I welcomed madness unconsciously as I prepared as best I could for it going into it.
I could...Go through my Forum activity...and probably point out how deep I got into just, JUST, my own darkness! I could quote my own insanity. Quote my own rage and hatred and anger at ALL. I could bolden and italicize all the importance and moments of obscurity and horror I was feeling inside just myself...
Lets face it. I've seen the darkness and it saw me because We're the same. But in so far as potential. I stopped visiting the Courtyard. Bid Au revoir to my shadow self (who at the time was, WAS an entity I identified as myself and separate and me in all ways) and have since only sparsely met with him.
As the Courtyard of the Heart is forgotten the Subconscious eats it up like nature grows in the Fukushima Exclusion Zone. I realized the turmoil I've been feeling is NOT my mind losing it, but of the courtyard going feral. Of my darkness growing to match me (he said trying not to sound arrogant), of my Heart-Mind becoming once more, unhappy, unknown.
In my meditations i recently realized I am again undefined by lack of self knowledge. What I used to know was enough, I have evolved and not kept up with the discovery. The Courtyard being feral, it is now the Stormy Madness I silence with meditation (or better said, I keep away the waves of thoughts that churn the air and make storms). Or basically I am in need of self healing (I mean, duh).
My heart is... Sad. It saw a lot, I saw a lot. Disappointed in my/itself. Sad at the darkness. Just infinite sorrow, endless sorrow. I see and feel so much misery in the world. And being unable to help that is PAINFUL. Is the source of my being tired. All these new monsters I am/have inside my courtyard. In only a year of not meditating, of not addressing, and approaching reality from a quiet still place.
Missed it much. To think something you know will anger you and meeting it with calm and almost loving acceptance despite knowing it should, is supposed to, upset you and invoke emotion.
I view every monster as a piece of my shadow, I view it all as my inner being. I last said I had about 16807 personality pieces from a prior shatter, that healed, all these voices are myself in my mind with an illness of disassociation. That ended too, now the 'voices' are 'silent feelings'. They're intuition distorted into words through my thoughts. The silent version of them is much more efficient and greatly less disturbing.
You can listen too much, as if to say moving towards listening is to obscure yourself (a zen proverb of sorts?)
To just let them flow through, to not listen but simply notice.
I wanted to share. I don't think it'll be as easy as 'no more madness/Darkness' and many strong dark emotions have surfaced, just as I was warned when taking back up meditation. (Most notable in porn...vore tentacle hentai genres are the current interesting 'interest' of my perverse mind, as an example.) And I figure if I say anything stupid, link me back to this thread and just be like, "<link to this thread> , do you need some lavendudes or broses, a mankin or tissdude?? (Lavendars, roses, napkin, tissue for those lost) Light'en up TPP!"
And that is lesson 1 for me. Lighten up.
Don't let monsters rule your Courtyard, don't let darkness sour your Heart, don't let your Heart-Mind become turbulent.
Or do, but keep a handle on it. Madness don't feel good, even when it does.
And by Heart-Mind, I mean that portion of your conscious perception attributed to the neural systems of the Heart offering a different 'Consciousness Resource', like how we attribute Logic to Brain-Mind, emotional/mental stability or Emotional Logic belongs to the Heart-Mind, a much quieter Loving resource.
A year ago I took a step into shallow darkness and tread not so lightly into the dark Night of the Soul. I stopped meditating knowing the consequences. I welcomed madness unconsciously as I prepared as best I could for it going into it.
I could...Go through my Forum activity...and probably point out how deep I got into just, JUST, my own darkness! I could quote my own insanity. Quote my own rage and hatred and anger at ALL. I could bolden and italicize all the importance and moments of obscurity and horror I was feeling inside just myself...
Lets face it. I've seen the darkness and it saw me because We're the same. But in so far as potential. I stopped visiting the Courtyard. Bid Au revoir to my shadow self (who at the time was, WAS an entity I identified as myself and separate and me in all ways) and have since only sparsely met with him.
As the Courtyard of the Heart is forgotten the Subconscious eats it up like nature grows in the Fukushima Exclusion Zone. I realized the turmoil I've been feeling is NOT my mind losing it, but of the courtyard going feral. Of my darkness growing to match me (he said trying not to sound arrogant), of my Heart-Mind becoming once more, unhappy, unknown.
In my meditations i recently realized I am again undefined by lack of self knowledge. What I used to know was enough, I have evolved and not kept up with the discovery. The Courtyard being feral, it is now the Stormy Madness I silence with meditation (or better said, I keep away the waves of thoughts that churn the air and make storms). Or basically I am in need of self healing (I mean, duh).
My heart is... Sad. It saw a lot, I saw a lot. Disappointed in my/itself. Sad at the darkness. Just infinite sorrow, endless sorrow. I see and feel so much misery in the world. And being unable to help that is PAINFUL. Is the source of my being tired. All these new monsters I am/have inside my courtyard. In only a year of not meditating, of not addressing, and approaching reality from a quiet still place.
Missed it much. To think something you know will anger you and meeting it with calm and almost loving acceptance despite knowing it should, is supposed to, upset you and invoke emotion.
I view every monster as a piece of my shadow, I view it all as my inner being. I last said I had about 16807 personality pieces from a prior shatter, that healed, all these voices are myself in my mind with an illness of disassociation. That ended too, now the 'voices' are 'silent feelings'. They're intuition distorted into words through my thoughts. The silent version of them is much more efficient and greatly less disturbing.
You can listen too much, as if to say moving towards listening is to obscure yourself (a zen proverb of sorts?)
To just let them flow through, to not listen but simply notice.
I wanted to share. I don't think it'll be as easy as 'no more madness/Darkness' and many strong dark emotions have surfaced, just as I was warned when taking back up meditation. (Most notable in porn...vore tentacle hentai genres are the current interesting 'interest' of my perverse mind, as an example.) And I figure if I say anything stupid, link me back to this thread and just be like, "<link to this thread> , do you need some lavendudes or broses, a mankin or tissdude?? (Lavendars, roses, napkin, tissue for those lost) Light'en up TPP!"
And that is lesson 1 for me. Lighten up.
Don't let monsters rule your Courtyard, don't let darkness sour your Heart, don't let your Heart-Mind become turbulent.
Or do, but keep a handle on it. Madness don't feel good, even when it does.
And by Heart-Mind, I mean that portion of your conscious perception attributed to the neural systems of the Heart offering a different 'Consciousness Resource', like how we attribute Logic to Brain-Mind, emotional/mental stability or Emotional Logic belongs to the Heart-Mind, a much quieter Loving resource.