11-14-2015, 02:10 AM
Today I had an experience. I was getting ready to back out of my parking spot at the grocery store. I made sure to thoroughly behind me in all directions to be sure, and was sure I was in the clear as I know parking lots are where most accidents tend to happen and I value my car. I was backing out and heard numerous honking beeps. I see a guy who was trying to make it past me coming of his parking spot across from my car and further down toward the store. He trying to tell me he was coming through and to move. Knowing that I was in the right of way I continued to back out ignoring his honks. He saw me yet continued on, and so did I, until it was clear to me he was determined to make it through even if it meant hitting me, so I stopped. I am not one for the 1-upping game. This was just me trying to abide by my current truth which was, I am in the right of way, I go first. No rush on my part. Just a desire to hold a certain principle that is important to me.
To interject. I feel I am a genuine seeker...who experiences an immense of amount of inner turmoil that seems to come and go in waves...when the waves come, they often appear to be 10 ft tall. And when the calm comes...well...things are fairly calm and stable. I am very up and down emotionally and I have been diligently working toward stabilizing my emotions and better understand why I experience this on a metaphysical level. I also need to mention that I am someone with an immense amount of repressed feelings and unfulfilled desires. I don't try consciously to repress things but it seems to happen anyway due to deeply en-grained habit patterns that I find difficult to break, stemming back to the beginning of 6th grade in the public schools of Houston, Texas...a very huge and unforgiving city especially around the time I was growing up. Maybe it wasn't as unforgiving to others as to me. I have always been over-sensitive as a child and still sometimes am unintentionally. It is a "gift and a curse" . Anyway...6th grade is where the repression begins for me and the habit patterns created. You would think I would be past them by now. Did I mention I am extremely stubborn? heh...I know at least one person here is wondering what the hell im doing with my life...lol
I have recently been learning that repressing emotions and feelings can become a dangerous thing to do. Especially for people with immense amounts of creative energy and passion...this is no good...and I believe self repression to an extreme extent, regardless of your upbringing can create dangerous people if things aren't kept in perspective, and wisdom isn't applied. It gets to a point where there is a large energy build up that has to be expressed in one form or another...either responsibly or irresponsibly. For the amount of repression I have allowed myself to experience. I think I do a pretty good job expressing my repressed feelings wisely and in a way that don't spread to others. I won't say it has never spread to others. But I am generally very careful with how I let this energy come out. Keep in mind I am expressing to you the limits of my perception...there are bound to be things I don't see.
So anyway, I find myself at a point in my life where this self repression is manifesting in more random and uncontrollable ways...such as the strong urge to scream viciously and express physical energy release in the form of throwing things hard in controlled settings. This is not a constant thing for me...like I said before, I am the type that seems to go up and down emotionally. I may experience this energy buildup as anger multiple times daily...none...or maybe just once...but also, throughout the day have feelings of calm, clarity and contentment with myself...or maybe close to no peace on some days...it can seem very random and really depends on the day...month...year...or so it seems. I've had predominately good, peaceful, happy years....and predominately the opposite.
I have never been an angry person, but there has been this experience of build up to the point of what I call "souring" where this energy of discontent/sadness turns to anger/rage. There is no one I associate with that knows me as an angry person...and in my heart of hearts I am not and angry person. I have a high vision of love and forgiveness and see the need for the eventual manifestation of this on a more constant basis within my experience. I want to be the guy that makes peoples day...but I am afraid. I have developed a fear of giving myself to others wholly. On a surface level I am fine with sharing, helping, etc etc. But somewhere in my heart there is a darkness that says "don't let people in, they will only hurt you or try to manipulate you". This isn't a conscious thought or feeling that I have...but rather a deeply planted habitual feeling tone. Growing up I was occasionally taken advantage of or made fun of in ways that usually weren't meant to be malicious, but me being very sensitive I took it to heart. I did experience some light bullying that probably wouldn't have bothered other kids as much as it bothered me. I was always been very honest and open with sharing my thoughts and feelings and when this wasn't reflected back to me I felt a deep betrayal. Each instance made me loose more and more trust in my peers, and helped me become a little more apprehensive each time. I found when entering middle school that it just seemed many things I said were interpreted as wrong or weird or "out of the loop". Even though a good amount of people liked me and I had a decent circle of friends. Then there were some people that I feel just had a very negative reaction to my expressions of innocence and purity. I began making myself harder and my emotions more blunted, intentionally thinking twice about what I was going to say before I said it "Is this socially acceptable?" and these habits is where the repression began. "I just wont say it". Even with my willful attempts to blunt my emotions I still was very honest naturally and forgiving even when the things done hurt me inside. These habits are still with me...can you believe it? I have done a lot of work on myself...and there is much more yet to do...progress has been made and what needs to be seen is coming to the light to make or break me, as I see it. In the long run I am aware of the nature of me needing to feel these things and see these things within me as the monsters they show themselves as...relentless and unforgiving. Its come to my attention in ways I simply can't avoid anymore. I get physical pain in my head...a burning sensation often that is a manifestation of these unfulfilled desires turned to anger. I experience burning in my chest and throat too...similar to the feeling of wanting to cry very much but holding it back...in my head though it manifests as headache pain to go along with the burning feeling.
I want to be clear, I don't write this in as a "poor me" kind of thing or to share feelings of hopelessness or despair. Although I find emotions and feelings coming up as write this I am currently in a pretty good space. At the moment I am more or less content with myself and life. I just feel that I can only gain from sharing this and opening up....maybe someone else can too?
So back to the story right?! So I let the guy in his car pass me and go on his way. We were headed in the same direction and I was experiencing a building anger but not to the point of clouding my thoughts. I was trying to configure myself as best I could into a vibration state of acceptance...and understanding. I worked with a few different mental cues, seeing the situation from different angles...but in the end it was just turning into another moment of me repressing my feelings since I was genuinely upset by the experience having felt like I have been "pushed over" which has been a common theme throughout my life. I have often wanted to retaliate to being "pushed over" in many circumstances but usually I havn't had the courage...only when my anger has reached its boiling point I have retaliated. In this moment I just didn't feel able to align myself with a true sense of acceptance of the experience or my inner emotions....so I willingly acted on my anger and followed close behind this guy for some few miles letting my anger turn into rage and eventually experiencing a sort of high from a rage I haven't felt in a long time. He was trying to get away from me, speeding and bobbing and weaving through cars and I did the same feeling open and willing for whatever consequences manifest...almost hoping for a face to face confrontation....keep in mind I don't consider this a normal experience for me or anyone and it could only have happened with such intensity due to the amount of sadness/anger I have let build inside me for many years; and to reiterate...the building has happened in many ways subconsciously and I don't want to paint the portrait that I have just been a consistently angry and unhappy person from 6th grade on because that is not the case. I have had many, many beautiful and loving experiences within myself and with other people. I have experienced my fair share of harmony, contentment and bliss along the way too. I guess you would describe my type as "bi polar"...which I was actually diagnosed with but no real tests were done (brainwave scan etc etc). Simply because my father was diagnosed with it and schizophrenia they labeled me this during a difficult period in my freshmen year of high school where I had to go through residential ("lockdown") treatment and boarding school for "troubled kids".
So to cut to the chase, the guy eventually slows down and I cut around him and go on my way. I am aware this was a very unwise way to express my anger but its said and done nontheless, I can only move forward from here and do my best to distill the useful elements of this experience.
What I know is:
1. I didn't like not being in control
2. My response was physical dangerous and unwise.
3. It wasn't this single experience that caused my rage but rather a build up of energy that I let "burst" when this experienced happened.
4. I am from Texas but live in upstate NY and have developed a distorted bias of a personality type that I feel exists here more than where I previously lived so I already had some animosity towards what I call the "grumpy new yorker" archetype or the "rude new yorker" archetype. I am aware this is mostly an illusion I feed in my mind but I will say there is a noticeably sharp difference in the amount of love/light expressed by the people up here vs where I was previously living...austin texas and costa rica. I have noticed many more rude and grumpy people/drivers up here. People who seem to be "stuck in their ignorant ways". So this belief held aided my animosity towards this person.
5. I hoped to instill fear in this man, to intimidate and to send him a message, hoping he would not do it again after the experience.
6. I have always wanted a car and now that I finally have one I try very hard to keep it in good condition, I value it and do not take its usefulness for granted after commuting on bus, bike and foot for many years. So I felt insulted/threatened that someone would risk getting in an accident just to "get ahead".
7. If I replay the experience in my head there is still some anger there although I do feel a somewhat significant release. I found freedom in that rage...especially being someone who is unintentionally (or so I feel) over concerned with the thoughts and emotions of others. I often "tip toe" around people out of habit. I may suppress expressing my personal truth to avoid certain outcomes I see probable...whether it be some sort of general to extreme confrontation or just to avoid potential ridicule.
8. It was never a big deal, I made it a big deal. There is and was nothing wrong with this man, only with me and my lack of acceptance
Why do I share this experience? I feel a need to be naked in front of you all. I find humility in it...being as honest as I can with what I am going through. Whatever comes of me sharing this, so be it. I am learning.
This is where I am at so far guys...I try very hard not to be a hypocrite and constantly put myself in check as best I can. I don't consider myself a dedicated seeker in terms of consistent, dedicated practice and discipline everyday, whether it be in expressing love or wisdom. But I do consciously work on myself by observing my thought patterns and distortions everyday, to some extent. Some times all day. I try to be mindful and present with my feelings/thoughts. I often lay awake at night thirsting for the Divine wanting to experience it in my heart and mind very much. I will sit for an hour easily in meditation amidst large amounts of inner turmoil and the desire to NOT meditate. I will sit with myself in silence for long periods of time to find my bearings and find love in the moment, to see the divine nature of all things and to attempt to experience a peek through the veil where understanding comes on an experiential level. Often my emotions are too strong to find complete peace and bliss. But there are those moments. I feel, turmoil aside, I am a natural mediator. I have experienced savitarka samadhi (a somewhat lower form of the breathless state but blissful and complete nonetheless) within days following my awakening through my own subconscious mental techniques. I don't speak this from my ego. I only mention it to give you some background on who I am and what I have experienced. I feel my deepest intentions are extremely humble and earnest and I am determined to do whatever it takes to become what I consider "self realized" or crystallized, to experience as much divine love and wisdom as I possibly can and share it with other as much as I possible can. I have also experienced more pain and darkness than I would ever wish on my "worst enemy"...but for some reason, although I don't believe in unneeded suffering...it seems to have purpose in my life path. I am still an ignorant person stumbling in the darkness but I am genuinely wanting more. To shed the unneeded layers of my being and to let purity shine through. It is also being brought to my attention that I must be careful in "seeking outcomes" in regard to spiritual practice. I have a tendency towards impatience in regard to balancing because somewhere deep within me I see my higher expression and just want to be there...much of what I am learning now is Acceptance and to embrace the process of balancing and to be gentle with myself...to not let that impatience sour into forms of self hatred for not meeting a standard I hold in mind.
Anyway...this is me...I didn't intend for this post to be so long, maybe its better suited for "wanderer stories". I mainly wanted to share the experience I had today and what I am learning from it and extend the invitation to others to share a moment where they experienced spiritual maturity/acceptance, or lack thereof and how they learned from it. So I extend the invitation to you...no pressure....maybe you have some thoughts for me and my experience, to this I am open. And while I am at it, I will also mention I am Zachary, that is my name and my former username on Bring 4th. When I unregistered I didn't plan on coming back. This account was just for "viewing", but here I am.
If you have made it this far, I want to thank you for listening...and I wish you all the best on your continued journey, I hope you experience much Peace and Joy.
To interject. I feel I am a genuine seeker...who experiences an immense of amount of inner turmoil that seems to come and go in waves...when the waves come, they often appear to be 10 ft tall. And when the calm comes...well...things are fairly calm and stable. I am very up and down emotionally and I have been diligently working toward stabilizing my emotions and better understand why I experience this on a metaphysical level. I also need to mention that I am someone with an immense amount of repressed feelings and unfulfilled desires. I don't try consciously to repress things but it seems to happen anyway due to deeply en-grained habit patterns that I find difficult to break, stemming back to the beginning of 6th grade in the public schools of Houston, Texas...a very huge and unforgiving city especially around the time I was growing up. Maybe it wasn't as unforgiving to others as to me. I have always been over-sensitive as a child and still sometimes am unintentionally. It is a "gift and a curse" . Anyway...6th grade is where the repression begins for me and the habit patterns created. You would think I would be past them by now. Did I mention I am extremely stubborn? heh...I know at least one person here is wondering what the hell im doing with my life...lol
I have recently been learning that repressing emotions and feelings can become a dangerous thing to do. Especially for people with immense amounts of creative energy and passion...this is no good...and I believe self repression to an extreme extent, regardless of your upbringing can create dangerous people if things aren't kept in perspective, and wisdom isn't applied. It gets to a point where there is a large energy build up that has to be expressed in one form or another...either responsibly or irresponsibly. For the amount of repression I have allowed myself to experience. I think I do a pretty good job expressing my repressed feelings wisely and in a way that don't spread to others. I won't say it has never spread to others. But I am generally very careful with how I let this energy come out. Keep in mind I am expressing to you the limits of my perception...there are bound to be things I don't see.
So anyway, I find myself at a point in my life where this self repression is manifesting in more random and uncontrollable ways...such as the strong urge to scream viciously and express physical energy release in the form of throwing things hard in controlled settings. This is not a constant thing for me...like I said before, I am the type that seems to go up and down emotionally. I may experience this energy buildup as anger multiple times daily...none...or maybe just once...but also, throughout the day have feelings of calm, clarity and contentment with myself...or maybe close to no peace on some days...it can seem very random and really depends on the day...month...year...or so it seems. I've had predominately good, peaceful, happy years....and predominately the opposite.
I have never been an angry person, but there has been this experience of build up to the point of what I call "souring" where this energy of discontent/sadness turns to anger/rage. There is no one I associate with that knows me as an angry person...and in my heart of hearts I am not and angry person. I have a high vision of love and forgiveness and see the need for the eventual manifestation of this on a more constant basis within my experience. I want to be the guy that makes peoples day...but I am afraid. I have developed a fear of giving myself to others wholly. On a surface level I am fine with sharing, helping, etc etc. But somewhere in my heart there is a darkness that says "don't let people in, they will only hurt you or try to manipulate you". This isn't a conscious thought or feeling that I have...but rather a deeply planted habitual feeling tone. Growing up I was occasionally taken advantage of or made fun of in ways that usually weren't meant to be malicious, but me being very sensitive I took it to heart. I did experience some light bullying that probably wouldn't have bothered other kids as much as it bothered me. I was always been very honest and open with sharing my thoughts and feelings and when this wasn't reflected back to me I felt a deep betrayal. Each instance made me loose more and more trust in my peers, and helped me become a little more apprehensive each time. I found when entering middle school that it just seemed many things I said were interpreted as wrong or weird or "out of the loop". Even though a good amount of people liked me and I had a decent circle of friends. Then there were some people that I feel just had a very negative reaction to my expressions of innocence and purity. I began making myself harder and my emotions more blunted, intentionally thinking twice about what I was going to say before I said it "Is this socially acceptable?" and these habits is where the repression began. "I just wont say it". Even with my willful attempts to blunt my emotions I still was very honest naturally and forgiving even when the things done hurt me inside. These habits are still with me...can you believe it? I have done a lot of work on myself...and there is much more yet to do...progress has been made and what needs to be seen is coming to the light to make or break me, as I see it. In the long run I am aware of the nature of me needing to feel these things and see these things within me as the monsters they show themselves as...relentless and unforgiving. Its come to my attention in ways I simply can't avoid anymore. I get physical pain in my head...a burning sensation often that is a manifestation of these unfulfilled desires turned to anger. I experience burning in my chest and throat too...similar to the feeling of wanting to cry very much but holding it back...in my head though it manifests as headache pain to go along with the burning feeling.
I want to be clear, I don't write this in as a "poor me" kind of thing or to share feelings of hopelessness or despair. Although I find emotions and feelings coming up as write this I am currently in a pretty good space. At the moment I am more or less content with myself and life. I just feel that I can only gain from sharing this and opening up....maybe someone else can too?
So back to the story right?! So I let the guy in his car pass me and go on his way. We were headed in the same direction and I was experiencing a building anger but not to the point of clouding my thoughts. I was trying to configure myself as best I could into a vibration state of acceptance...and understanding. I worked with a few different mental cues, seeing the situation from different angles...but in the end it was just turning into another moment of me repressing my feelings since I was genuinely upset by the experience having felt like I have been "pushed over" which has been a common theme throughout my life. I have often wanted to retaliate to being "pushed over" in many circumstances but usually I havn't had the courage...only when my anger has reached its boiling point I have retaliated. In this moment I just didn't feel able to align myself with a true sense of acceptance of the experience or my inner emotions....so I willingly acted on my anger and followed close behind this guy for some few miles letting my anger turn into rage and eventually experiencing a sort of high from a rage I haven't felt in a long time. He was trying to get away from me, speeding and bobbing and weaving through cars and I did the same feeling open and willing for whatever consequences manifest...almost hoping for a face to face confrontation....keep in mind I don't consider this a normal experience for me or anyone and it could only have happened with such intensity due to the amount of sadness/anger I have let build inside me for many years; and to reiterate...the building has happened in many ways subconsciously and I don't want to paint the portrait that I have just been a consistently angry and unhappy person from 6th grade on because that is not the case. I have had many, many beautiful and loving experiences within myself and with other people. I have experienced my fair share of harmony, contentment and bliss along the way too. I guess you would describe my type as "bi polar"...which I was actually diagnosed with but no real tests were done (brainwave scan etc etc). Simply because my father was diagnosed with it and schizophrenia they labeled me this during a difficult period in my freshmen year of high school where I had to go through residential ("lockdown") treatment and boarding school for "troubled kids".
So to cut to the chase, the guy eventually slows down and I cut around him and go on my way. I am aware this was a very unwise way to express my anger but its said and done nontheless, I can only move forward from here and do my best to distill the useful elements of this experience.
What I know is:
1. I didn't like not being in control
2. My response was physical dangerous and unwise.
3. It wasn't this single experience that caused my rage but rather a build up of energy that I let "burst" when this experienced happened.
4. I am from Texas but live in upstate NY and have developed a distorted bias of a personality type that I feel exists here more than where I previously lived so I already had some animosity towards what I call the "grumpy new yorker" archetype or the "rude new yorker" archetype. I am aware this is mostly an illusion I feed in my mind but I will say there is a noticeably sharp difference in the amount of love/light expressed by the people up here vs where I was previously living...austin texas and costa rica. I have noticed many more rude and grumpy people/drivers up here. People who seem to be "stuck in their ignorant ways". So this belief held aided my animosity towards this person.
5. I hoped to instill fear in this man, to intimidate and to send him a message, hoping he would not do it again after the experience.
6. I have always wanted a car and now that I finally have one I try very hard to keep it in good condition, I value it and do not take its usefulness for granted after commuting on bus, bike and foot for many years. So I felt insulted/threatened that someone would risk getting in an accident just to "get ahead".
7. If I replay the experience in my head there is still some anger there although I do feel a somewhat significant release. I found freedom in that rage...especially being someone who is unintentionally (or so I feel) over concerned with the thoughts and emotions of others. I often "tip toe" around people out of habit. I may suppress expressing my personal truth to avoid certain outcomes I see probable...whether it be some sort of general to extreme confrontation or just to avoid potential ridicule.
8. It was never a big deal, I made it a big deal. There is and was nothing wrong with this man, only with me and my lack of acceptance
Why do I share this experience? I feel a need to be naked in front of you all. I find humility in it...being as honest as I can with what I am going through. Whatever comes of me sharing this, so be it. I am learning.
This is where I am at so far guys...I try very hard not to be a hypocrite and constantly put myself in check as best I can. I don't consider myself a dedicated seeker in terms of consistent, dedicated practice and discipline everyday, whether it be in expressing love or wisdom. But I do consciously work on myself by observing my thought patterns and distortions everyday, to some extent. Some times all day. I try to be mindful and present with my feelings/thoughts. I often lay awake at night thirsting for the Divine wanting to experience it in my heart and mind very much. I will sit for an hour easily in meditation amidst large amounts of inner turmoil and the desire to NOT meditate. I will sit with myself in silence for long periods of time to find my bearings and find love in the moment, to see the divine nature of all things and to attempt to experience a peek through the veil where understanding comes on an experiential level. Often my emotions are too strong to find complete peace and bliss. But there are those moments. I feel, turmoil aside, I am a natural mediator. I have experienced savitarka samadhi (a somewhat lower form of the breathless state but blissful and complete nonetheless) within days following my awakening through my own subconscious mental techniques. I don't speak this from my ego. I only mention it to give you some background on who I am and what I have experienced. I feel my deepest intentions are extremely humble and earnest and I am determined to do whatever it takes to become what I consider "self realized" or crystallized, to experience as much divine love and wisdom as I possibly can and share it with other as much as I possible can. I have also experienced more pain and darkness than I would ever wish on my "worst enemy"...but for some reason, although I don't believe in unneeded suffering...it seems to have purpose in my life path. I am still an ignorant person stumbling in the darkness but I am genuinely wanting more. To shed the unneeded layers of my being and to let purity shine through. It is also being brought to my attention that I must be careful in "seeking outcomes" in regard to spiritual practice. I have a tendency towards impatience in regard to balancing because somewhere deep within me I see my higher expression and just want to be there...much of what I am learning now is Acceptance and to embrace the process of balancing and to be gentle with myself...to not let that impatience sour into forms of self hatred for not meeting a standard I hold in mind.
Anyway...this is me...I didn't intend for this post to be so long, maybe its better suited for "wanderer stories". I mainly wanted to share the experience I had today and what I am learning from it and extend the invitation to others to share a moment where they experienced spiritual maturity/acceptance, or lack thereof and how they learned from it. So I extend the invitation to you...no pressure....maybe you have some thoughts for me and my experience, to this I am open. And while I am at it, I will also mention I am Zachary, that is my name and my former username on Bring 4th. When I unregistered I didn't plan on coming back. This account was just for "viewing", but here I am.
If you have made it this far, I want to thank you for listening...and I wish you all the best on your continued journey, I hope you experience much Peace and Joy.